Family struggles

[Seraphim]

My son and I moved to our forever home and we have taken my mother with us . My husband is still posted to our old posting. My mom and I have had some significant struggles with learning to live together. 
 

Recently I got what I consider a horrendously horrible hair cut which has destroyed what my last stylist has been doing with my hair for 12 years. My mom LOOOOOOOVES it. I hate it with a passion and she KNOWS this. Yet she insists on telling me , “ you look so nice today, beautiful.” When I say , “ nope , hate this hair , it makes me look like a boy,” she gets all bent out of shape and I insists I take her compliment with grace and suck up how I feel . 
 

I said so I should just suck up my feelings of total disgust about this hair cut to make you happy ??? Oh ok THANKS MOOOOOOOOMMMM. She threw up her hands and got irritated and went to her room. But apparently if I don’t accept her compliments it makes her feel “ not wanted”. She knows very I am so beyond agitated about this hair cut but INSISTS that I should like it because she does. 
 

I don’t know how to get her to leave this point alone. 

[Starlight925]

She’s guilty of Toxic Positivity. 
And of not validating your feelings. 
  Will she live with you indefinitely?

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

She’s guilty of Toxic Positivity. 
And of not validating your feelings. 
  Will she live with you indefinitely?

Yes, she will live with us forever. She said it makes her sad to see me upset about anything. I told her I have a right to my feelings and as an almost 58 year old woman I think I know what my feelings are . 

[Cherylyn]

Try to ignore her snide comments.   Don't give any life to backhanded compliments with your reaction and response.  Don your best poker face and walk away.  This is how you prevent others from getting a rise out of you. 

I'm sorry for your bad haircut.  Hopefully,  you can shop around for a new hair stylist.

If it's any consolation,  it's hair and it will grow out!  In the meantime,  consider the bad haircut as only temporary.  Hugs!

[Starlight925]

My sister was just crying over a really bad, too-short cut.  I unfortunately did the same thing as your mom:  Enjoy it, it's just hair, it'll grow, etc.  She said she wished people would stop saying that, and just empathize with her.  I got it.

I agree with @Cherylyn; just ignore her snide comments.  Like literally, ignore.  Gray Rock it:  Literally, physically, just stare back.  No words.  She'll get upset, she'll pitch a fit, but literally, zero words, and walk out of the room.

[Seraphim]

11 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

My sister was just crying over a really bad, too-short cut.  I unfortunately did the same thing as your mom:  Enjoy it, it's just hair, it'll grow, etc.  She said she wished people would stop saying that, and just empathize with her.  I got it.

I agree with @Cherylyn; just ignore her snide comments.  Like literally, ignore.  Gray Rock it:  Literally, physically, just stare back.  No words.  She'll get upset, she'll pitch a fit, but literally, zero words, and walk out of the room.

Yeah, it sure isn’t like visiting . 🤣 We just have different views on many things but my view “ isn’t right” because she knows better . Several times I have just looked at her and gone back to my phone scrolling X or FB because I am just over the fact I am “ wrong.”

[Seraphim]

44 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Try to ignore her snide comments.   Don't give any life to backhanded compliments with your reaction and response.  Don your best poker face and walk away.  This is how you prevent others from getting a rise out of you. 

I'm sorry for your bad haircut.  Hopefully,  you can shop around for a new hair stylist.

If it's any consolation,  it's hair and it will grow out!  In the meantime,  consider the bad haircut as only temporary.  Hugs!

I just hope another stylist can fix my side bang because it is butchered at present . It was supposed to be the first picture but presently I have hair like a three year old boy. 

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry about your hair. I've had two disasters, one with cut, the other with color, and I appreciate how frustrating and powerless it can feel to not be able to work with it.

As for Mom, I can only speak for myself and the concerns that stay in the front of my mind with my own mother's fragility at her age. I'd say, "Thanks, Mom, I know you mean well." Or, "Thanks, Mom, I'm really trying to be less bothered by it..."

I'd back up and decide which is more important to me in that moment, voicing my own rage and frustration--essentially, taking 'it' out on 'her'--or recognizing the best intentions of Mom as something I don't wish to regret that I took for granted.

[ShySoul]

That's one reason I just stopped getting my hair cut and have let it grow out for the last three years. They can't mess it up if they can't get their hands on it. Plus the two women whose judgment I trust most actually like me with long hair. I'm not going to argue. 

As I've learned with my mom, you're not going to get her to change her mind nor will arguing about it do any good. You have to pick your battles. Tell her thanks for her opinon but you'll have to agree to disagree. Accept it as her way of trying to be nice, but know that it's your hair so should be the way you want it. 

Also remember she's the parent and will probably always see you as her little girl. She probably thinks mother knows best and that you're still that little child she needs to take care of and guide. For some that parental instinct might not go away. Doesn't mean you have to listen to it or follow it, just that it's probably coming from the right place even if the actual advice might be very misguided. 

[Cherylyn]

@Seraphim I'm sorry it's the second pic and not the first one.  In the meantime,  if you wear a tiny hair clip on the short bangs off to the side,  it will look cute as your bangs grow out.  I've seen women wear it like that in public to add a little style or pizzazz.  Or, another cute hair style is to blow dry it back with some volume on top and / or a bit of a flip off to the side with volume which you can attain with a hair dryer and round brush.  It should look good on you as your hair grows out. 

[Batya33]

Ugh I've had true nightmares about bad haircuts (which to me would mean cutting off too much -used to be that fear).  I'm sorry.  Can you wear a cute hat -are you a hat person? When I saw the second pic the truth is - I often ask for that for my teenage son and you made me realize that last time his stylist did something a bit different - and maybe that's why -she did an awesome job and he looks handsome!

Have you tried an I statement like "I feel frustrated when you comment about my haircut." Instead of countering with why you disagree with the "compliment." 

[Kwothe28]

You look like Megan Rapinoe now lol. To be fair she is a woman still, though she is also a lesbian football player. So I get the frustration.

Anyway, I am going to defend your mother a bit. Think she just tries to cheer you up. I would take that over her being critical of you any day of the week. 

Its difficult with parents. That is why most young couples at least try to get away from old "commune family" system where you have parents or even grandparents involved too, and try to make a "nuclear family"(Mom, dad and kids only). But you decided to go back to the old system by implementing your mother there. So you would have to "tolerate" each other.

Congrats on the new home. Hoping at least that part is great. 

[Seraphim]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry about your hair. I've had two disasters, one with cut, the other with color, and I appreciate how frustrating and powerless it can feel to not be able to work with it.

As for Mom, I can only speak for myself and the concerns that stay in the front of my mind with my own mother's fragility at her age. I'd say, "Thanks, Mom, I know you mean well." Or, "Thanks, Mom, I'm really trying to be less bothered by it..."

I'd back up and decide which is more important to me in that moment, voicing my own rage and frustration--essentially, taking 'it' out on 'her'--or recognizing the best intentions of Mom as something I don't wish to regret that I took for granted.

Yes, I know it is best intentions , really . She hates it when I am hurt . It remind me of when I had my second trimester miscarriage the month before my niece had a birthday party. One of the party goers was 7 months pregnant and my mom said 7 times to me in the space of an hour “ hey did you know C is pregnant. “ I kept saying, “ yes I see that.” I was devastated and heart broken at my own loss and she kept pushing pregnant people in my face because she wanted me to stop being hurt . Make ZERO sense to me to rub someone’s nose in it. I left that party in tears and she had the nerve to be offended. She was “ just trying to help.” 🙄

I think she wants to help but has no clue how. Bringing up the difficult issue over and over isn’t help. I have told her this directly and she keeps at it . 

[Seraphim]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

@Seraphim I'm sorry it's the second pic and not the first one.  In the meantime,  if you wear a tiny hair clip on the short bangs off to the side,  it will look cute as your bangs grow out.  I've seen women wear it like that in public to add a little style or pizzazz.  Or, another cute hair style is to blow dry it back with some volume on top and / or a bit of a flip off to the side with volume which you can attain with a hair dryer and round brush.  It should look good on you as your hair grows out. 

Unfortunate, I can’t . My bangs are cut in such a way that now my cowlicks on each side of my forehead stick up because it is too short . I told her the swoop bang was very hard won with my stubborn hair and it is that way to cover a cyst in my forehead. She was a young and inexperienced stylist that learned to cut over Covid . 🤦‍♀️

[Seraphim]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Ugh I've had true nightmares about bad haircuts (which to me would mean cutting off too much -used to be that fear).  I'm sorry.  Can you wear a cute hat -are you a hat person? When I saw the second pic the truth is - I often ask for that for my teenage son and you made me realize that last time his stylist did something a bit different - and maybe that's why -she did an awesome job and he looks handsome!

Have you tried an I statement like "I feel frustrated when you comment about my haircut." Instead of countering with why you disagree with the "compliment." 

Yes, I have told her it is making me actually angry and she just throws up her hands and says she is trying to help and I am making her feel not wanted . 

[Seraphim]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You look like Megan Rapinoe now lol. To be fair she is a woman still, though she is also a lesbian football player. So I get the frustration.

Anyway, I am going to defend your mother a bit. Think she just tries to cheer you up. I would take that over her being critical of you any day of the week. 

Its difficult with parents. That is why most young couples at least try to get away from old "commune family" system where you have parents or even grandparents involved too, and try to make a "nuclear family"(Mom, dad and kids only). But you decided to go back to the old system by implementing your mother there. So you would have to "tolerate" each other.

Congrats on the new home. Hoping at least that part is great. 

It is an adjustment for sure . For both of us . Both of us are used to being Queen Bee and that doesn’t work. 

[Seraphim]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

That's one reason I just stopped getting my hair cut and have let it grow out for the last three years. They can't mess it up if they can't get their hands on it. Plus the two women whose judgment I trust most actually like me with long hair. I'm not going to argue. 

As I've learned with my mom, you're not going to get her to change her mind nor will arguing about it do any good. You have to pick your battles. Tell her thanks for her opinon but you'll have to agree to disagree. Accept it as her way of trying to be nice, but know that it's your hair so should be the way you want it. 

Also remember she's the parent and will probably always see you as her little girl. She probably thinks mother knows best and that you're still that little child she needs to take care of and guide. For some that parental instinct might not go away. Doesn't mean you have to listen to it or follow it, just that it's probably coming from the right place even if the actual advice might be very misguided. 

For sure it is coming from a good place and it is the motherly instinct as she has said herself it is all but impossible to let go . It is her job to protect . I said you did your job and now trust I know what I am doing. 

[tattoobunnie]

Hard to say. My mom used to tell me that it was okay I was ugly.  Really, she was talking about how she felt about herself.  I am described by others as "really good looking" and feel great about myself.

But my point...when I look at my husband and kids, I think they are perfect and handsome not matter what haircut they get or how many pounds they put on.  So, yeah, sure it's super annoying, but this may be a case of her just looking at you with rose-tinted glasses.

[TeeDee]

You do have a right to your feelings.  I'm sorry you hate your haircut. 

However I suggest you reframe your reaction to your mom.  She loves you & hates to see you hurting.  She's trying to help.  It's not helping but if you can pause to remember that her compliment comes from a place of love, maybe you won't react so harshly.  She's looking at you from her heart not only with her eyes.  You could have on a sack or be bald & she would still think you -- her beloved daughter -- look beautiful. 

Your hair will grow back.  If you severe your relationship with your mother that will be much harder to restore 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, I know it is best intentions , really . She hates it when I am hurt . It remind me of when I had my second trimester miscarriage the month before my niece had a birthday party. One of the party goers was 7 months pregnant and my mom said 7 times to me in the space of an hour “ hey did you know C is pregnant. “ I kept saying, “ yes I see that.” I was devastated and heart broken at my own loss and she kept pushing pregnant people in my face because she wanted me to stop being hurt . Make ZERO sense to me to rub someone’s nose in it. I left that party in tears and she had the nerve to be offended. She was “ just trying to help.” 🙄

I think she wants to help but has no clue how. Bringing up the difficult issue over and over isn’t help. I have told her this directly and she keeps at it . 

I wonder if it’s a nervous tic or anxiety that causes her to just keep blurting the things she’s most anxious about. My Mom does that too, to some degree. It’s like the bubble she must pop. Maybe your Mom doesn’t register a negative result, so she’ll just keep popping that thing until she gets the result she needs to relieve her anxiety?

It couldn’t hurt to try giving that to her with some kindness and see if that helps. I’ve noticed that I don’t need to say anything untruthful, like “Okay, Mom, I love the new hair, for ghaaads sake…” It could just be, “That’s very thoughtful of you, Mom, thank you.” Boom! Done.

[Seraphim]

19 hours ago, TeeDee said:

You do have a right to your feelings.  I'm sorry you hate your haircut. 

However I suggest you reframe your reaction to your mom.  She loves you & hates to see you hurting.  She's trying to help.  It's not helping but if you can pause to remember that her compliment comes from a place of love, maybe you won't react so harshly.  She's looking at you from her heart not only with her eyes.  You could have on a sack or be bald & she would still think you -- her beloved daughter -- look beautiful. 

Your hair will grow back.  If you severe your relationship with your mother that will be much harder to restore 

I can see that point for sure. The hair cut reaction is a symptom of a bigger issue. She told me sorry I am always your mom and I will always want to guide and protect and mother you . I told her well just as you say it makes you feel not wanted , your incessant constant mothering makes me feel wrong . I said when I need advice I will absolutely ask, but I am 12 no more. Just yesterday I had to get something done for my son to do with his disability payment because we moved . Again advice was offered, you could have done that after your breakfast. Whatever way I do something she has got a way to do it better. 

[Seraphim]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I wonder if it’s a nervous tic or anxiety that causes her to just keep blurting the things she’s most anxious about. My Mom does that too, to some degree. It’s like the bubble she must pop. Maybe your Mom doesn’t register a negative result, so she’ll just keep popping that thing until she gets the result she needs to relieve her anxiety?

It couldn’t hurt to try giving that to her with some kindness and see if that helps. I’ve noticed that I don’t need to say anything untruthful, like “Okay, Mom, I love the new hair, for ghaaads sake…” It could just be, “That’s very thoughtful of you, Mom, thank you.” Boom! Done.

She definitely has anxiety. She was put on medication for it 9 months ago. She became very anxious after my step dad died. Also last year some woman walked into her apartment and walked into her bathroom when she was in the shower. She had accidentally left her keys in the door. The woman was insane to look all over and invade her apartment she could have just thrown the keys inside the door. Then this year someone rear ended her at a red light. Plus she has 90% hearing loss and needs cataracts taken off and she is also mobility disabled so she feels incredibly vulnerable. So, yeah, feels a lot of anxiety but refuses to believe it . Because anxiety is mental weakness. I have had anxiety my entire life so I recognize it and last year told her to get into therapy and on medication because she was getting an all over body rash ( hives ) from anxiety and other physical symptoms. 
 

When I was in therapy my counsellor told me to gain boundaries and especially with my mom. However when I try to instil a boundary I am “ mean” to an old lady. If I react being upset , “ Jeebus you’re over sensitive. “ Something I was always told as a kid and when I was younger . And if I don’t follow her advice I am “ stubborn as hell.”

 

Whatever way I try other than total capitulation is WRONG. 

[TeeDee]

Moms sometimes can't help themselves.  They will always see us as their babies. 

After I graduated from graduate school I was about to move out & sign the lease for my 1st apartment.  My mom actually said she thought that was a bad idea because leases were complicated legal documents & she didn't think I was ready to sign such a thing on my own.  Part of the degree I had just earned & the job I was taking involved me writing complex contracts, so I actually knew more about them than she did but she still saw me as her child not an autonomous adult who could make her own decisions.  

The fact that she has so much anxiety & fear because her world is shrinking exacerbates the problem.  Remember, she lost her love.  Her space was invaded by a whacko.  She was in a car accident.  Her eye sight is failing.  Now she doesn't even live independently.  She's facing her own mortality & she's not doing it with grace because she's terrified. 

Instead of getting mad, I tried to reassure her that part of the reason I was so self confident was that she raised me to be a strong independent woman capable of taking care of myself.  You would do well to remember that about yourself when your mom's mothering makes you feel "wrong."   Do what I learned to do (which was not easy especially at first).  When my hyper-critical mom offered her suggestions (which I received as criticism no matter what she actually said), I took a deep breath, thanked her for the suggestion & said I would take her perspective under advisement.  Then I did whatever the heck I wanted most of the time.  When I learned to be calmer about receiving her messages, sometimes she was actually right. 

You are never going to change her.  Stop trying because you only upset yourself.  Instead change how you receive it.  No more internalizing.  Just let her comments roll off you because unless you let them, they have no power over you.  

Good luck.  

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Moms sometimes can't help themselves.  They will always see us as their babies. 

After I graduated from graduate school I was about to move out & sign the lease for my 1st apartment.  My mom actually said she thought that was a bad idea because leases were complicated legal documents & she didn't think I was ready to sign such a thing on my own.  Part of the degree I had just earned & the job I was taking involved me writing complex contracts, so I actually knew more about them than she did but she still saw me as her child not an autonomous adult who could make her own decisions.  

The fact that she has so much anxiety & fear because her world is shrinking exacerbates the problem.  Remember, she lost her love.  Her space was invaded by a whacko.  She was in a car accident.  Her eye sight is failing.  Now she doesn't even live independently.  She's facing her own mortality & she's not doing it with grace because she's terrified. 

Instead of getting mad, I tried to reassure her that part of the reason I was so self confident was that she raised me to be a strong independent woman capable of taking care of myself.  You would do well to remember that about yourself when your mom's mothering makes you feel "wrong."   Do what I learned to do (which was not easy especially at first).  When my hyper-critical mom offered her suggestions (which I received as criticism no matter what she actually said), I took a deep breath, thanked her for the suggestion & said I would take her perspective under advisement.  Then I did whatever the heck I wanted most of the time.  When I learned to be calmer about receiving her messages, sometimes she was actually right. 

You are never going to change her.  Stop trying because you only upset yourself.  Instead change how you receive it.  No more internalizing.  Just let her comments roll off you because unless you let them, they have no power over you.  

Good luck.  

Yeah she has really suffered since my step dad died. She convinced herself he was going to outlive her because he was never sick a day in his life and she has a million illnesses. But he was going to outlive her even though he was 8 years older than her . She was utterly devastated as anyone would be . She told me every day since he died how she hates hates hates hates living alone and would text me 10 times a day min complaining about it . Now lives me and doesn’t like that either . I just don’t know what to do at this point other than to agree with her about everything because it is the only way to make her stop but it REALLY REALLY sticks in my craw to do it . 
 

She also wants to go with me EVERYWHERE unless I am going to work so there is no way to go do it my way. She even went with me 3 hours away to my doctor’s appointment so she could “ meet my doctor”. 🤦‍♀️

[TeeDee]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

 I just don’t know what to do at this point other than to agree with her about everything because it is the only way to make her stop but it REALLY REALLY sticks in my craw to do it . 

I know.  Been there.  Done that.  Would you like to borrow my t-shirt? 

You don't have to agree with her.  You just have to make mummering noises confirming that you heard her.  I'm kidding but pretend you are a guy.   I swear they sit there saying mmhmn mhum but not paying one lick of attention