Overbearing father

[dunkatruck]

The way I can describe my relationship with my dad is that I don't see myself having one with him when I'm independent. 

I've grown up with my mum confiding in me about how much she despises him and how she would divorce him if we weren't in the picture. They fight often in my home language and he has pinned her down on the bed and hit her. Other times, I've heard him hit her from the next room but I was always too little and scared to do anything. It's a given that he also beat my brother and I to enforce discipline growing up, I just got better at behaving so he wouldn't. The last time was when I was 18, I'm now 24 but we still have our issues. I thought he was above hitting us now that we're adults but I was proven wrong when he struck my 27 year old brother across the face multiple times because he defended my mum when my dad threatened her. 

He claims he loves us but is extremely overbearing. He is not an alcoholic so he isn't some drunkard. In fact, he claims he's allergic to alcohol and a number of other things including coffee, chocolate, banana, oranges, the list goes on. So he always makes sure the rest of us can't buy anything with these flavours when we've gone out as a family to avoid triggering his "allergy". However, we've accidentally given him foods with these ingredients more than once without him knowing and he's had no reaction whatsoever. He liked to smother my brother and I growing up, spoke to us only in English to "get ahead of other ethnic students" and didn't want us picking up extra-curriculars like sports or instruments because he thought it would let us focus better education wise as other hobbies didn't matter. I got my first part time job at 19 and my brother at 25 !! because my dad said it would effect our uni studies if we picked up pointless retail jobs. This isn't a surprise but he does not have any friends or spend time with anyone besides my mum. I can't even go to the groceries or dress shopping with her without him tagging along. My mum is an extreme introvert and a homebody, her favourite passtime is watching Youtube on her tablet. She has only one best friend, Christine who she's known since childhood but says they've grown apart as my dad once told Christine over the home phone to stop calling on work nights as it's disruptive to both her and my dad and that Christine's distanced herself over the years. 

Every weekend without fail, mum does whatever activity dad wants to do. The few times she's expressed having healthy time apart, he's threatened divorce and said real families are tight knit and spend time together. The extremely rare occasion I've seen them doing nothing at home on a weekend, he acts passive aggressive, slams things and speaks in a tone to let her know he's not happy they're not doing what he wants.

Because of decades of this behaviour and enabling, my mum has gotten so used to bending over backwards to appease my dad and has taught my brother and I to do the same. We now have to tiptoe around him for /everything/. He spoke up once and said it feels like there's a lot the three of us say about him when he's out of the room. We have tried to explain multiple instances where we feel it's better to be silent than to invoke his rage and temper but he victimises himself and says the three of us are the issue. He says that my mum is a loner with no friends and an anti-social disorder, my brother is a partner-less and jobless loser and that I'm some heathen that's sold her soul and opens her legs for strange men because I have a social life and a few close friends. At the beginning of every year, he gets a month break from work  which my brother and I dread as this means we'll be forced to do whatever he wants us to do.

During the last break, he woke me up and asked if I had plans, told me to scrap them anyways because I'm helping him buy things to keep building the greenhouse (my brother and I had helped him build it all summer). He asked me what I wanted to eat for lunch, disregarded it and said we were getting fast food because it's cheap and he wants it. The drive thru was closed so he sat in the car with our dogs and the keys while I went inside to order. I ordered on the app to avoid a long queue that went from counter to entry. When I came back to the car, I was verbally berated, called a selfish, spoiled and useless brat as I had no consideration for the fact that he was waiting in the car for so long. I couldn't believe what I was hearing so I actually recorded this conversation. He said being born and raised here, I could have easily ordered at the counter. I defended that I ordered on the app to avoid the queue and get my order in the kitchen asap but he said it just looked like I was doing bull*** and playing on my phone. I showed him the completed order as proof. This then went into a tangent of how I'm selfish and pigheaded because I'd been going out with my friends over the holidays? I asked him what he expects me to do at home and he says I could always have family time. Mind you, the family time in mind is sitting in the living room on our devices while no one speaks to each other until he eventually gets tired and takes a 4 hour afternoon nap in his bed. My brother has defended me and said it's normal for Australian people our age to have a social life and that he himself regrets not keeping connections from his younger years (my brother has slowly become a recluse and has lived a sheltered quiet life just working and being on his computer now). I was bawling my eyes out at the end of this conversation and stayed in my room to avoid him. He came in and told me to stop crying because I'm making HIM feel guilty and to eat some of the food. No sorry was ever uttered from his mouth and he told me that I need to learn to not trigger his temper?! I've had many situations like this since with him but this one has stuck with me because of the ridiculousness of it. 

The tension with him was always there but particularly has gotten worse since I was 18, started uni and have been exposed to more people and situations. He complained I was out too much and he didn't believe I was studying so one night, I invited my friends over to study so at least he knows I'm at home. This only lasted a few hours before he stood at the kitchen doorway and said to speak to me in private. My friends sensed something was off and went home. He said I have bull*** friends and we're clearly not studying hard enough if we're still talking to each other so much. This then became a tangent entailing that I'm a "devil child" who's been tainted and I don't uphold our Catholic values because I apparently value strangers comfortability more than my own family's (my mum said she had no issue with the noise and my friends being around). My friends have never come over again. 

I was told it would get better once I started working. Albeit, I've only had a part-time job til now as I'm still in uni. I have one semester left before I graduate and plan on getting my big girl job. However, my situation with my dad has hardly if ever improved at all. I still have multiple talks with him every few weeks. I'm currently 24 and have had a boyfriend of 7 months now called Brandon. Brandon lives 4 minutes from me in the same suburb and always picks me up and takes me home without fail and he lives alone. Naturally, he has asked me to sleep over some times so he doesn't have to take me home so late but I tell him this isn't allowed. Per my dads request as of recent, I've been coming home earlier (midnight) rather than at 2:40am when Brandon's fallen asleep and I've asked my brother to pick me up on his way home from the night shift. The last time I asked my brother to do this was in February ... 

Tonight, Brandon and I attended birthday dinner with my two best friends. We finished by 8pm and I went back to Brandon's by 9 to speak to his dad. Brandon was asleep by the time I got to his room and I realised I'd forgotten my home keys. So instead of waking Brandon up to take me home and waking my mum up by calling her to come downstairs and open the door for me, I decided it was easier to stay and sleep at his until 2:40 am when my brother finishes work and picks me up on his way back. I texted my mum at 11:30 telling her that she needn't worry, I sent her photos of me watching a movie in the lounge room. She calls me at 2am telling me to be prepared as my dad is furious. I told her I've texted, called and sent photos, there is no reason to be worried as I was going to be home within the next hour when my brother gets me. She said my dad would rather send HER out to come and pick me up at 3am rather than wait another hour as he "can't sleep" because he's scared for my safety even though he's met Brandon multiple times. I told her I would rather catch an Uber as having her pick me up so late is so ridiculous and defeats the purpose I originally had to avoid inconveniencing her to open the door let alone pick me up at ass o' clock. She then says my dad refuses to let me catch Uber as it's not safe. This was such a stupid situation as this didn't feel like a matter of safety anymore. I was on the phone with them in constant contact and had informed them hours prior where I am and what I'm doing. My dad thinks it isn't safe that I'm temporarily staying at my boyfriends house at night which I've done multiple times and it's not safe to take an Uber but he's perfectly happy to send my mum out at 3am to pick me up. I'm almost 25 and it's just gotten exhausting. I don't know if there's a chance at changing his mindset. My brother has already expressed that he intends to cut my dad off completely once independent and so will I at this rate. My dad comes from a very Catholic family but in no way practises himself. He hasn't been to church in the last decade but preaches about being holy and being chaste when it comes to me staying at my boyfriends late at night saying I'm just cheap and good for nothing. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. 

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, dunkatruck said:

They fight often in my home language and he has pinned her down on the bed and hit her. Other times, I've heard him hit her from the next room but I was always too little and scared to do anything. It's a given that he also beat my brother and I to enforce discipline growing up, I just got better at behaving so he wouldn't. The last time was when I was 18, I'm now 24 but we still have our issues. I thought he was above hitting us now that we're adults but I was proven wrong when he struck my 27 year old brother across the face multiple times because he defended my mum when my dad threatened her.

Get out. He is emotionally and physcially abusing all of you. Your safety and well being should come first. No decent man would strike his wife or children. You are an adult and don't have to stay under his house or be forced into his rules. 

Is your boyfriend away of all of this? Can you stay there? Getting out and taking steps to securing your own life and livlihood is vital. Don't wait to be independent to cut him out, start doing it immediately.

Have the police ever been made aware of your situation? Does anyone else know? I'd get yourself clear of him first, then would consider reporting him. What he is doing is not right and there should be consequences.