we're both rethinking our future after a miscarriage but im scared

[beamingsoleil]

im 17 which is pertinent to what im about to say. me and my wife got married less than three months ago. ( you can get married at 17 in our state, I believe even at 16 if you can prove you have good reason to be. there is a process for it, and yes, you need parental consent)

I proposed to her few months ago. we weren't supposed to get married until at least another five months from now but we found out that she was pregnant.  she didn't want to look "fat"🙄 in her wedding photos, kids before marriage is kind of a big no no in our families, and getting married with a newborn baby would've been difficult, so we decided that it would be best to get married as soon as possible. despite all the drama that came with her pregnancy, we still had an amazing time.

then a week after our wedding, she had a miscarriage early into her pregnancy. she was 11 weeks pregnant, and we only knew that she was pregnant for a little less than two months... I think that's a lot of time to think that you're gonna be a parent though. she keeps trying to find a reason as to why she miscarried. ive never seen her buried so deeply in sadness, it's heartbreaking to watch. a lot of the blame has been put on me because I was upset about the situation in the beginning. so she thinks that because I was so negative about the whole situation, I either stressed her out or the baby felt it "wasn't wanted here". while the more logical side of me knows that there's nothing we could've done differently, I understand why she came to that conclusion, and I feel incredibly guilty for making her feel that way.  

I was angry and upset at the both of us. my feelings weren't exactly tied to the baby or her being pregnant, but how she got pregnant.  by the time I had calmed down and actually started getting excited, she miscarried. I know that part of the reason that she's so angry with me is that she thinks that im not as upset as her about it, or upset at all.

she's told me twice that she knows im relieved and glad that it happened. if im being straight up, I did feel a slight wave of relief wash off over me once I found out. I had so much anxiety, bad thoughts, and fear circling my mind about the thought of being a dad, I was just glad that it was over.  

I wasn't as crushed as her, but I still felt sad about everything, I still am. I didn't want this to happen.I know it sounds condratictory and that's one of the reasons why ive been avoiding talking about how I feel about it, but its just how I feel.

like I said, she hasn't been very happy with me or how this turned out. it's just been back to back arguments between us no matter how hard I try to avoid them. today we got into a horrible one where she threatened to give away our kitten because she thinks that it's unfair that I get to keep a kitten she doesn't want when she doesn't get to have a baby. the whole argument just forced me to think about the toll this has been taking on our relationship. this is not how I expected the first few months of our marriage to turn out... it's been overwhelming to say the least.

I understand her frustration and pain, she has to go through the physical and emotional pain of this, then on top of that, she has to put up with me, who doesn't know how to respond to all of this. I haven't been open with her about how I feel.  part of me is scared of what will happen if I am. a lot of our back and forths lately have been about her wanting a baby now. it's been the same conversation over and over again.

*she talks about how badly she wants a baby. I tell her that im not ready for a baby, neither do I want one. she explains why we are ready for a baby. I tell her I understand her point but I want to focus on my life right now and a baby would take away from that. she calls me a selfish *** and gives me the silent treatment.* scene.

I actually do want a baby...so badly. im intensely jealous of the people around us with kids. I just know that if I told her and we had a conversation about it, it would lead to an automatic decision to try to have one. im worried and terrified of everything that would come with it that.

I don't think that bringing a baby in the mix would be the worst thing ever. im already great with babies and kids. I think that I have the qualities of a "good parent". our relationship is strong and we're married.  im not in school right now. well I do go to a community college but the chances of me withdrawing are looking pretty high anyways. I have a job that is considerably steady and pays well . it's not something that I could do forever though. the longest it will last for is four or five years, but then what?

I'll always have a spot at my dad's company but that line of work isnt what I truly want to do. im potentially considering going to a university next year and I have my own set of pro vs cons for that. but going wouldn't be ideal if you have a kid/baby. we've actually had a conversation about this recently and she thinks that we could make it work. she's usually against anything that would keep the two of us, or hypothetically speaking, the three of us apart though. I don't know how uni would be any different.

 im just questioning how wrong it is to bring a child into my life that I haven't completely gotten figured out yet. I wonder if it's wrong and selfish. even though id die on the hill that my wife isn't more mature than me because of our ages (she's older than me by a little over three years..heavy on that a little) it seems she doesn't understand my fear on this because she already has her life figured out.

part of me is saying, so what? im sure that there's plenty of good parents that didn't have their life figured out when they had their kids. you'll figure it out along the way. but the other part of me is having doubts that I have the capabilities to provide the best possible upbringing for a child. I mean, this is not one of my what's the worst that can happen stunts that I can pull. the thought of being responsible for another human, let alone one that cant take care of itself, is scary. I know it's something that I want though.

I feel selfish and as if im holding her and our relationship back with my doubts and fears.

im looking for advice and insight from parents, or literally anyone that feels that they can give genuine, open-minded advice. and I have a question: if you had a baby/kid while you were in college, were you able to balance out your studies and being a parent without feeling like you were neglecting one or the other?

(im sorry if there's anything that I left out or grammar mistakes. im writing this on no sleep and an empty stomach)

[Coily]

Take a deep breath.

Firstly, and too many will make too big a deal of this, you are young and embarking upon some of the biggest journeys of life in a very short amount of time. You and your wife are doing a lot really fast, and a miscarriage is a huge toll, as you have seen.

You and your wife need to work on mourning this miscarriage, she is unfairly putting a lot of this on you; as she doesn't have better tools to handle her current mental state. Suggest to her to seek some professional help, possibly seeking some yourself.

Also write down a lot of your conflicting feelings on having kids, start navigating these things in a calm rational manner, rather than just reacting to your wife. Encourage her to write her problems as well.

Take small step, and be honest with yourself and what you both need.

[beamingsoleil]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

Take a deep breath.

Firstly, and too many will make too big a deal of this, you are young and embarking upon some of the biggest journeys of life in a very short amount of time. You and your wife are doing a lot really fast, and a miscarriage is a huge toll, as you have seen.

You and your wife need to work on mourning this miscarriage, she is unfairly putting a lot of this on you; as she doesn't have better tools to handle her current mental state. Suggest to her to seek some professional help, possibly seeking some yourself.

Also write down a lot of your conflicting feelings on having kids, start navigating these things in a calm rational manner, rather than just reacting to your wife. Encourage her to write her problems as well.

Take small step, and be honest with yourself and what you both need.

thank you🖤

I agree that counseling/therapy for her wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. we've both dealt with loss.. but this is different. maybe she could use a little help from a professional. I'll try to talk about it with her once things have cooled down. I just don't want her to take it the wrong way; I hope she won't.

im really trying my hardest to be rational. this was definitely a start. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Coily.  Also miscarriages are common.  I had one pregnancy and I have one child.  I was extremely worried about miscarriage.  Yes stress is bad for a pregnant woman but obviously nothing that happened caused this miscarriage.  A number of my friends -and my mother- had miscarriages.  I absolutely knew the first trimester can be a very fragile time and it's why many choose not to announce a pregnancy till after -which we chose.  You're very young, she needs to heal and get medical and/or mental health attention for her loss.  We also were expecting a baby before we got married but we had been actively trying since I was almost 41 when we started trying and we weren't going to marry quite yet for geographical reasons. I had no qualms looking fat in our wedding photos lol.  

Again I agree with Coily and I am sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you have employment and want to be a parent.  Parenting is amazing and amazingly difficult IMO.  My friend's daughter married her 19 year old boyfriend at 17 and then they had 3 kids - they're happily married over 10 years later.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

I agree that counseling/therapy for her wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. we've both dealt with loss.. but this is different. maybe she could use a little help from a professional. I'll try to talk about it with her once things have cooled down. I just don't want her to take it the wrong way; I hope she won't.

im really trying my hardest to be rational. this was definitely a start. 

One gentle approach might be for you to suggest couples counseling with the idea that you want to be taught how to be the best possible partner for her. You'd like to learn from an adult who specializes in marriages.

By presenting it as an advantage to HER to participate because YOU seek a way to improve FOR HER, you could both benefit from help with mature communication, even while the experience might open her up to the idea that solo counseling for herself might also help her to heal.

[beamingsoleil]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

One gentle approach might be for you to suggest couples counseling with the idea that you want to be taught how to be the best possible partner for her. You'd like to learn from an adult who specializes in marriages.

By presenting it as an advantage to HER to participate because YOU seek a way to improve FOR HER, you could both benefit from help with mature communication, even while the experience might open her up to the idea that solo counseling for herself might also help her to heal.

im open to that suggestion, but I don't think that she'll be, even with the phrasing. we did try couples counseling for a few days before we got married. but it was like cleaning and then hiring a maid.

she told me not to bring up anything challenging or talk about any problems that we had, so it was pointless. im still gonna consider bringing it up as an option, if necessary. im still banking on time fixing this. thanks for your insight. 

[beamingsoleil]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Coily.  Also miscarriages are common.  I had one pregnancy and I have one child.  I was extremely worried about miscarriage.  Yes stress is bad for a pregnant woman but obviously nothing that happened caused this miscarriage.  A number of my friends -and my mother- had miscarriages.  I absolutely knew the first trimester can be a very fragile time and it's why many choose not to announce a pregnancy till after -which we chose.  You're very young, she needs to heal and get medical and/or mental health attention for her loss.  We also were expecting a baby before we got married but we had been actively trying since I was almost 41 when we started trying and we weren't going to marry quite yet for geographical reasons. I had no qualms looking fat in our wedding photos lol.  

Again I agree with Coily and I am sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you have employment and want to be a parent.  Parenting is amazing and amazingly difficult IMO.  My friend's daughter married her 19 year old boyfriend at 17 and then they had 3 kids - they're happily married over 10 years later.

I didn't know how common they were until this, it's surprising. it such a common experience, which seems a little traumatic to me that I rarely hear about, I think that's another reason why she feels very alone in this. im glad that she's not alone as she thinks, and there are other women/girls that understand.

she has gotten any medical help needed 🙂 and she has an unwaveringly supportive, loving family, I would hope that we're enough comfort (for now). thank you for sharing about your friends daughter. it's always refreshing and to hear about younger couples that did succeed.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

she told me not to bring up anything challenging or talk about any problems that we had

How does she expect a marriage to survive with an attitude like this? 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How does she expect a marriage to survive with an attitude like this? 

I agree. Part of the commitment is the commitment for better or for worse.  For worse to me means that you get through the inevitable hard stuff -whether it's external or internal -you get through it by facing it not sweeping big stuff under the rug.  

[beamingsoleil]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How does she expect a marriage to survive with an attitude like this? 

she believes in therapy and counseling for complex problems, and I guess this wasn't one of them🤷🏻. I think that actually talking about our problems and how we really felt, and even continuing to go would've been beneficial to our relationship, and maybe we wouldn't even be where were at now.

I tried to argue that multiple times, one of the reasons being that it was very obvious that we were putting on a perfect couple act. we were essentially wasting our poor counselors time. I couldn't even bring up small arguments such as her being loud while I was sleeping.

it would've took vulnerability and a level of being okay with being judged to make couples counseling work anyways, and I think that will take a little more time for her, which is okay. to me, it seems that she's a little obsessed with looking perfect to others; it's inane and can be exhausting for us both.

so me expecting her to be jumping at the idea of going to or committed to therapy/counseling, would've been ridiculous in the first place.

she's not an inherently close minded person, but I don't think that I can change her views about therapy/counseling. it will take an impactful experience (maybe this)or influence of someone she respects and deems educated 

[Coily]

Does your wife have a social media presence? I'm picking up on that outward focus on how she defines herself.

I will return to encouraging you both writing about these struggles; it will help you both articulate better what you are dealing with to the other. Without just fighting, but looking for solutions. I wish I had better insights to help.

[beamingsoleil]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Does your wife have a social media presence? I'm picking up on that outward focus on how she defines herself.

I will return to encouraging you both writing about these struggles; it will help you both articulate better what you are dealing with to the other. Without just fighting, but looking for solutions. I wish I had better insights to help.

she has a small presence that she's been able to maintain since she was younger. it's become a part of who she is. having social media that wasn't managed or monitored by her parents at a young age...seems to have done her just as much harm as good. 

 your first comment was more than enough 🙂 I agree, writing truly helps. even writing that post was cathartic. I was choosing to ignore and push away my feelings, which led to me being a wreck. ive been writing out my feelings since then, and I feel slightly more in control and in tune with my emotions, hopefully she appreciates it. im usually terrible at communicating my feelings, it should be considered a talent.

she already seems to have the whole writing thing figured out. she journals every morning and afternoon, so I hope that brings her a little emotional relief, understanding, and clarity to her thoughts and emotions also.