Is my plan on handling this appropriate?

[yogacat]

So tell me if my plan on handling this is appropriate...

A friend of mine recently did a favor for someone they know who is a Personal Coach.

As a return favor, the Personal Coach reached out to me and offered/proposed a couple of free Personal Coaching sessions for me. During the initial consultation, he provided valuable feedback. He scheduled a day and time for us to have a more in depth session which is coming up soon.

Separate from that, he recently sent me a message asking me if he could "pick my brain" about his strained relationship with his mother possibly having a medical condition. I said sure, I sent him some helpful information and then said I would be available at x time on x day. He didn't reach out.

He left me a message the following day saying he would still like to talk to me about it in more detail and get my thoughts on it. I said I have some free time today at 12pm, he said great! So, I called him at 12pm, he didn't answer, then he proceeded to text me that he was on the phone with another contact talking about it with them and asked if we can chat later?

At this point, I feel like he is not valuing my time. So, my plan was not to reply to his message and cancel our upcoming Personal Coaching session.

I believe I am right in my course of action and that is what I intend to do and just not respond to his message and cancel the upcoming session.

[TeeDee]

Because it's a barter situation as opposed to cash payment for services, he is not respecting your time as a professional. So sure.  Cancel away . . .

[tattoobunnie]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I feel like he is not valuing my time.

He is using the "personal issue" he is having as a way to manipulate you into staying with him.  It's a common tactic with "personal coaches".  That, and the really gross ones do a drastic head tilt.  Yuck.

Just say, "I am donating back the remainder of our sessions.  No need to call or follow-up with me.  Take care."

[Batya33]

Completely agree. I would feel the same. I had a somewhat similar situation recently with a person who turned out to be flaky although she wanted my advice ! If she ultimately reaches out again my offer is off the table. 

[yogacat]

Excellent advice. Thank you.

I didn't ask for his Personal Coaching service, he said to reach out initially if I was interested and then I suppose my friend happened to give him my phone number which he then used to reach out to me offering a couple of free sessions. I said ok because it seemed like a nice offer but asking for help and then not valuing the person's time is the opposite of what a Personal Coach should be doing.

[mylolita]

Sounds like he may need a Personal Coach of his own!

 

OH THE IRONY! 
 

🥴 x

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

At this point, I feel like he is not valuing my time. So, my plan was not to reply to his message and cancel our upcoming Personal Coaching session.

I believe I am right in my course of action and that is what I intend to do and just not respond to his message and cancel the upcoming session.

Yes,  you handled this correctly @yogacat.

[mylolita]

Personally @yogacat, 

 

This may sound overly critical, but hear me out! 
 

When someone exclaims with a smile, they’re a “motivational speaker”, a “life coach”, a “guru”, an “expert!” a “pillar of the community” or “a political activist” - my spines pr*ckle and the guard is up!!!

 

Proceed with caution! 
 

Proclaimed sanctimony often predicts bad behaviour! 
 

x

[yogacat]

15 minutes ago, mylolita said:

This may sound overly critical, but hear me out! 
 

When someone exclaims with a smile, they’re a “motivational speaker”, a “life coach”, a “guru”, an “expert!” a “pillar of the community” or “a political activist” - my spines pr*ckle and the guard is up!!!

 

Proceed with caution! 
 

Proclaimed sanctimony often predicts bad behaviour! 

Oh for sure.

Albeit, I think there can be plenty of good intentions behind people who take on those roles, and some might be very good at what they do.

But like you mentioned (and my train of thought is similar here), is that it is good to be critical of those who claim such titles. 

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Oh for sure.

Albeit, I think there can be plenty of good intentions behind people who take on those roles, and some might be very good at what they do.

But like you mentioned (and my train of thought is similar here), is that it is good to be critical of those who claim such titles. 

I know two who I would vouch for from what I know of them very personally and their professional backgrounds - but for sure if a coach can't be reliable especially with a new potential client -what is that all about?

[yogacat]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I know two who I would vouch for from what I know of them very personally and their professional backgrounds - but for sure if a coach can't be reliable especially with a new potential client -what is that all about?

Right!

He's been on point with his professional coaching and sticking to his word with appointments but asking for MY help and then being mia is off-putting.

He called shortly thereafter, I didn't bother answering.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Right!

He's been on point with his professional coaching and sticking to his word with appointments but asking for MY help and then being mia is off-putting.

He called shortly thereafter, I didn't bother answering.

A few weeks ago a woman posted in my local community group asking for help related to moving to our city/area.  I offered to help if she sent me a private message -she did and wanted to talk by phone at times that were not going to work for me -like at dinner time - I offered during the day and we settled on my calling her on a weekend afternoon and she gave me her number - I gave her mine as well.  I set a reminder on my phone and called her as promised.  What she gave me -was missing a digit -so I added what I thought it should be and got a wrong number.  I wrote to her to tell her this. 

A day later she responds, she'd been ill and she's so very sorry for the wrong number.  We messaged a bit that day and maybe the next morning.  But... she never gave me a number to call.  Nor did she call me. 

A few days later I saw her comment on her original post.  So - I'm done.  I got the illness part for sure - but - not to give me her actual number -not to attempt to reschedule? Posting again and not replying to me -she maybe was still feeling not great but obviously could post.

When I went out of my way to assist? I'm glad I didn't waste phone time with her but --really? I've had other flaky behavior (not just like this but flaky nonetheless) and maybe it's because I do interact a lot in my FB groups and I'm a "connector" type but seems like more flakiness in the last couple of years  than in the past.  

[yogacat]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

A few weeks ago a woman posted in my local community group asking for help related to moving to our city/area.  I offered to help if she sent me a private message -she did and wanted to talk by phone at times that were not going to work for me -like at dinner time - I offered during the day and we settled on my calling her on a weekend afternoon and she gave me her number - I gave her mine as well.  I set a reminder on my phone and called her as promised.  What she gave me -was missing a digit -so I added what I thought it should be and got a wrong number.  I wrote to her to tell her this. 

A day later she responds, she'd been ill and she's so very sorry for the wrong number.  We messaged a bit that day and maybe the next morning.  But... she never gave me a number to call.  Nor did she call me. 

A few days later I saw her comment on her original post.  So - I'm done.  I got the illness part for sure - but - not to give me her actual number -not to attempt to reschedule? Posting again and not replying to me -she maybe was still feeling not great but obviously could post.

When I went out of my way to assist? I'm glad I didn't waste phone time with her but --really? I've had other flaky behavior (not just like this but flaky nonetheless) and maybe it's because I do interact a lot in my FB groups and I'm a "connector" type but seems like more flakiness in the last couple of years  than in the past.  

Yes.

Which may be fine for others, but it just seems rude to me.

I replied and said I no longer need the coaching sessions at this time. I thanked him for his offer, and the guidance he's given me thus far. Then I said take care.

He is inquiring about why I no longer wish to work with him and that he was really excited to work with me and wonders if it's something he did.

I feel like being brutally honest but then again, not sure I want to prolong communication.

 

[Kwothe28]

"Personal coaches" are one of those new age things like "influencers". Meaning that they invented profession to monetize it and make money. You dont pay him money, he does it for free. So, naturally, he isnt really interested in making you a priority. In fact, I think he even took the job with the hopes you would pay him in the future and not for the goodness of his heart. So its OK for you to just not use his services anymore.

[catfeeder]

I think it's unprofessional for a coach to turn the tables and make your interaction about himself.

If he's all that successful, he's got plenty of people in his network to contact for such a thing rather than laying it on a client. That's just kinda creepy.

I think you took the right route, and the irony of him asking you now to explain to him why you dumped him is probably not lost on you. A coach who wants to take more of your time to tell him why he's a lousy coach? Right.

[mylolita]

It’s like a marriage therapist asking for marital advice. Part of you thinks - maybe because this is your “profession”, you should maybe know better than the rest of us, normal, everyday people? 
 

🤪

 

x

[mylolita]

Sorry to side track this Yoga but it is kind of along the same thread (I think… in my brain it is, anyway 🥲)

 

But I had a friend once who married a doctor (general practitioner). 10 years of medical school and when she had an ache or a pain or a lump, do you know what he used to do? Tell her to make an appointment with her doctor! He wouldn’t even diagnose her or even check anything out! I used to think… what on earth is the point of that?! And he used to Google symptoms all the time. I don’t know how much he was on, but a decent penny, and yet the confidence in his own ability or knowledge didn’t seem to be there!

Was he worried incase he got it wrong and she sued him?! 🤣

 

x

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Yes.

Which may be fine for others, but it just seems rude to me.

I replied and said I no longer need the coaching sessions at this time. I thanked him for his offer, and the guidance he's given me thus far. Then I said take care.

He is inquiring about why I no longer wish to work with him and that he was really excited to work with me and wonders if it's something he did.

I feel like being brutally honest but then again, not sure I want to prolong communication.

 

I wouldn't share - that's not being honest - because you're never required to respond at all.  I would say on reflection I don't think this is a good fit for me and my reasons are private/personal"

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Sorry to side track this Yoga but it is kind of along the same thread (I think… in my brain it is, anyway 🥲)

 

But I had a friend once who married a doctor (general practitioner). 10 years of medical school and when she had an ache or a pain or a lump, do you know what he used to do? Tell her to make an appointment with her doctor! He wouldn’t even diagnose her or even check anything out! I used to think… what on earth is the point of that?! And he used to Google symptoms all the time. I don’t know how much he was on, but a decent penny, and yet the confidence in his own ability or knowledge didn’t seem to be there!

Was he worried incase he got it wrong and she sued him?! 🤣

 

x

In my opinion- I think it's concern that he would be too biased with his loved one and miss something when he diagnosed.  

[mylolita]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In my opinion- I think it's concern that he would be too biased with his loved one and miss something when he diagnosed.  

If I’d spent all that time at medical school personally Batya, I would have diagnosed my kids about 20 times over by now, and saved the visits! 
 

If I suspected anything serious I would of course send for tests or a second opinion but to refuse all kind of checks, help or advice? Seemed strange. 
 

To me it’s like, my Dad is fantastic at DIY - he’s taken on quite difficult projects and jobs at our house and was confident to do it. He didn’t say, I won’t touch your electrics - get an electrician - I don’t want to wire this up wrong and start an electrical fire and have you all killed in your sleep! He just did it because he knows how and he wanted to help us out. 
 

To me, there is a cultural “standard and competence” decline I witness across the board. It’s happening in my generation and below. 
 

My uncle was a solicitor and later in life a judge - employment law - and he’s helped give advice and send off legal letters plenty of times for family and friends. 
 

Personally, if I were a doctor and my husband came to me with a lump I’d be straight on that and want to check myself to make sure another doctor didn’t miss anything! I’d want my opinion as first - theirs second! 
 

Suppose everyone thinks differently. 
 

I’ve noticed a lot of therapists come from failed marriages or like the one a few streets down from me - is divorced and then has an older family from his previous marriage he doesn’t see. To me, it would make me think twice about receiving relationship advice from him, or family advice.  Obviously this isn’t stated on his professional CV. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s a little ironic, to me anyway. I would feel like a hypocrite and a dupe taking peoples money. 
 

I will always be wary of life coaches and anything under that banner. Sometimes it is eye opening to check the person out and do a bit of a dive - see what their life and background is.

 

Just because someone is a professional and passed the tests, doesn’t automatically make them a competent professional, or particularly talented in their field. Just like you get bad plumbers and excellent plumbers - you also get negligent and incompetent doctors, and gifted doctors - all under a very similar banner. 
 

Not all life coaches seem to be made equally 🤣

 

x

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, mylolita said:

If I’d spent all that time at medical school personally Batya, I would have diagnosed my kids about 20 times over by now, and saved the visits! 
 

If I suspected anything serious I would of course send for tests or a second opinion but to refuse all kind of checks, help or advice? Seemed strange. 
 

To me it’s like, my Dad is fantastic at DIY - he’s taken on quite difficult projects and jobs at our house and was confident to do it. He didn’t say, I won’t touch your electrics - get an electrician - I don’t want to wire this up wrong and start an electrical fire and have you all killed in your sleep! He just did it because he knows how and he wanted to help us out. 
 

To me, there is a cultural “standard and competence” decline I witness across the board. It’s happening in my generation and below. 
 

My uncle was a solicitor and later in life a judge - employment law - and he’s helped give advice and send off legal letters plenty of times for family and friends. 
 

Personally, if I were a doctor and my husband came to me with a lump I’d be straight on that and want to check myself to make sure another doctor didn’t miss anything! I’d want my opinion as first - theirs second! 
 

Suppose everyone thinks differently. 
 

I’ve noticed a lot of therapists come from failed marriages or like the one a few streets down from me - is divorced and then has an older family from his previous marriage he doesn’t see. To me, it would make me think twice about receiving relationship advice from him, or family advice.  Obviously this isn’t stated on his professional CV. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s a little ironic, to me anyway. I would feel like a hypocrite and a dupe taking peoples money. 
 

I will always be wary of life coaches and anything under that banner. Sometimes it is eye opening to check the person out and do a bit of a dive - see what their life and background is.

 

Just because someone is a professional and passed the tests, doesn’t automatically make them a competent professional, or particularly talented in their field. Just like you get bad plumbers and excellent plumbers - you also get negligent and incompetent doctors, and gifted doctors - all under a very similar banner. 
 

Not all life coaches seem to be made equally 🤣

 

x

Like I said I know of two life coaches who I know personally- not their work - one I met in childhood -school friend and one is a relative I've known my whole life and each got certified after many years in related professions.  They have the utmost in character and integrity too.  

I absolutely know my child health wise and know when something is off and I'm not in the field.  I missed diagnoses twice -once for covid, once for impetigo -because in both cases I had no idea what the actual symptoms were.  My dad was in the medical profession and treated all of us.  I have the same opinion about your friend's husband as a potential reason.  I agree that simply being licensed is not enough which is why I try to go on referrals for all medical needs.  

I personally would never let an unlicensed plumber or electrician or someone who is not licensed in IT do anything at all with my property or the property of any friend or loved one (without telling/warning).  But that's just me and off topic! My husband and his dad are extremely handy - my husband like his dad (RIP!) have fully stocked tool boxes.  Wonderful skills to have.  I've never had to hire an outsider because I've always lived in apartments with maintenance staff -other than the IT guy we have who helps us with malware, etc on our personal devices.  

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't share - that's not being honest - because you're never required to respond at all.  I would say on reflection I don't think this is a good fit for me and my reasons are private/personal"

Oops. Too late.

I regret not responding with what you wrote.

I already sent a message before reading further replies. He kept asking if he did or said something wrong and expressed his desire to still work with me through personal coaching.

I said, "Your personal coaching has been great, but you asked for my help on a different issue and then weren't available for it."

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

Just recapping - after being asked for help, I made myself accessible. However, he did not contact me. Despite this, I followed through with my commitment to call him at x time on y day, and he didn't pick up and I was directed to his voicemail.

He messaged me a few minutes thereafter, explaining that he was currently speaking with a therapist regarding concerns about his mother's potential medical condition. I am knowledgeable about this condition because of my previous work with others who have it, which is why he reached out to me for help. He then called again after an hour. 

I understand that his mother's health is a priority and I wish her well.

Maybe this is just me, but when you ask for someone's help and they make themselves available for you, can't you at least communicate if something else comes up and you're not able to make the scheduled time?

I understand emergencies happen, but he could have at least sent a quick message beforehand.

The little I know of him -- he seems like a decent individual and I truly hope that his mother's health improves. I regret not being more understanding and empathetic in my initial response, but I hope he can understand where I'm coming from. 

Perhaps he assumed we could speak at any given time, but I have other commitments and responsibilities as well. I want to help him, but I also have to prioritize my own time and energy. 

[Batya33]

I think you're overthinking it.  It's not just you.  He flaked and you are entitled not to deal with it.

[yogacat]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think you're overthinking it.  It's not just you.  He flaked and you are entitled not to deal with it.

Agree. He's well connected in the film and art industry, Wikipedia. You'd think he would be more considerate of his words. It's a shame, because the brief conversation we had I feel he could be a good mentor but if he can't get his own communications right, I can't imagine he could easily translate his industry experiences to an eager mentoree.

Kind of like doctors that tell you you have to do x y and z but then don't follow those instructions themselves in their own life.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

He's well connected in the film and art industry, Wikipedia. You'd think he would be more considerate of his words.

I really don't see the relevance.  This was an interaction based on his personal life and his "coaching" - I know of many successful people in that industry but never assumed that meant they were reliable or had good communication skills outside of specific contexts.