What to think anymore?

[Slovakia99]

 

So basically, I have dated one girl for a month and a half,which I met through one my female friend, everything was great from the get go, we meet 4 times, texted every day, and suddenly she started to distance herself after last date (soft ghosting) and then ghosted me for real. I reached out to her after 10 days to ask her out one last time, she rejected me "officialy".

I was devastated absoulutely, because I thought it was going somewhere and everything was great and there was potential. It was a time of christmas and I felt like ***, it got the worst out of me, and I reached out to her 3 weeks later asking for some kind of "closure" asking her what went wrong that I would like to know the reason, because it really bugged me, couldnt think straight. She didnt reply, it only made things worse for me and complicated my healing. There weeks after sending her that message I got sooo drunk unintentionaly and send her random message at 4am (i dont know what i sent, i deleted it immediately). That thing got me even more devasted. I was obsessed what she thinks of me right know after all of that....

Somehow I recollected myself and almost 4 months later I was on the same project as her friend through which I met her. She laughed all the time to my jokes, even laughing for no reason across the table when we made a brief eye contact, repeating my jokes.... I didnt want to ask her about my "ex" after all I did, but eventually she asked me 2 days before the end of a porject on a random ocassions questions like: Is there any bad blood and did I fall in love? I was soo confused by those questions and didnt expect her to ask me on those last days, because I thought she would have asked me before and she caught me unprepared.
I said we were seeing each other for one period and were texting and after that I dont know what happened, after I mentioned it again she just interrupted me...She even asked me why I didnt make out with one girl on project thhat showed interest in me, like thats none of her business. I said I didnt fall in love(even though I did) but had great time with her, and there is no bad blood. The q did i fall in love shocked me and I was so confused what to answer that I forgot to ask her why she is asking me those type of questions, and our conversations was interrupted by one participant.

I was so confused after those questions, is my "ex" asking about my through her or is this friend interested in me(like why would she want to know if i fell in love after almost 4 months??) On the last day of project I asked her friend if she wants to grab a coffe someday, she said like she has to check her schedule, that "that who asks doesnt wonder" and the same day she posted me on her story with some random silly caption" and when she left she said mybe 2/3 times that we dont have to say goodbye, that we will see each other again. Ok, i thought she was reffering to my invitation and considered it as somewhat of a "yes". I reached to her 10 days later to see if we are going to see each other, and she said she said she has college stuff to do. It probably ended up looking like I was hitting on her friend, but giving the context I dont know what to think anymore it also looked Like i wanted to hear more about my "ex"... It also makes me frustrated that her friend wants to get info out of me, but I cant get any info in return, like she would have said it if she wanted to...

2 months has gone by  after the last interaction with her friend that I dont know what to think after all of that, did my "ex" wanted something or was friend innocently curios?? It bugs me soo much, I somewhat "like" to ruminate about all of that,even after 6 months after she rejected me, I recognized that about myself since we clicked soo much, and never felt that kind of instant attraction with my "ex".... It is my fault that I still ruminate about that after so much time but still... 

[ShySoul]

Do yourself a favor and limit the ruminating. Going over and over things like this in your head, trying to figure out why they did something months ago, it's a dead end road that will just leave you more and more confused. 

People do things for any number of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with us and are all about them. People these days also seem to lack common decency and disappear for no reason. There is no way to know what the first girl was thinking and continuing to focus on it will just keep you stuck in the past. The end result is the same no matter the reason. She disappeared and showed the kind of person she is, unreliable and not the kind of person you would want a relationship with anyway. I'd even be glad she did it that early and saved you from getting even more invested then you already were.

Same with the friend. She may have been interested in you. She may have been fishing for information. She may be as confused about the first girl as you are. Regardless, all that matters is if the two of you got along and if both of you were willing to meet up again. You tried to see her, she was busy. Don't read any more into it. If you run into her or if she contacts you, spend time with her if you want. Otherwise, don't worry about it and focus on enjoying the rest of your life. The time and stress spent replying it isn't worth the effort.

[AndyPandy]

5 hours ago, Slovakia99 said:

So basically, I have dated one girl for a month and a half,which I met through one my female friend...

Meeting people through friends can be a double-edged sword. If things go wrong then the situation can become extremely awkward and uncomfortable as the friend will often be aware of some details. It can also cause discomfort during future get-togethers where you're both invited.

5 hours ago, Slovakia99 said:

I reached out to her 3 weeks later asking for some kind of "closure" asking her what went wrong that I would like to know the reason, because it really bugged me, couldnt think straight. She didnt reply, it only made things worse for me and complicated my healing.

For the future, never ask what went wrong etc. You will not gain anything from doing this - even if you did receive a reply. Just accept that it didn't work out and move on.

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

People do things for any number of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with us and are all about them. People these days also seem to lack common decency and disappear for no reason.

I agree with your entire reply but particular segments resonate with me heavily, especially the above observation. To add, they then often have the gall to reappear when it suits them. It says a lot about their regard (or lack of) for other human beings.

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

She may have been fishing for information.

This is my suspicion. The other person might not have disclosed much - if anything and she's being nosey.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

I agree with your entire reply but particular segments resonate with me heavily, especially the above observation. To add, they then often have the gall to reappear when it suits them. It says a lot about their regard (or lack of) for other human beings.

Its the reappearing as if nothing happened that gets me. I'm actually willing to forgive people and get that things happen and you might not have handled it the best way. But show me that you are sorry or can understand why I would have a problem with it. Don't just waltz back in, think you are forgiven, and everything will be just as it was. A little humility and self awareness goes along ways.

[Slovakia99]

6 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

Meeting people through friends can be a double-edged sword. If things go wrong then the situation can become extremely awkward and uncomfortable as the friend will often be aware of some details. It can also cause discomfort during future get-togethers where you're both invited.

For the future, never ask what went wrong etc. You will not gain anything from doing this - even if you did receive a reply. Just accept that it didn't work out and move on.

I agree with your entire reply but particular segments resonate with me heavily, especially the above observation. To add, they then often have the gall to reappear when it suits them. It says a lot about their regard (or lack of) for other human beings.

This is my suspicion. The other person might not have disclosed much - if anything and she's being nosey.

I also believe she was fishing for more info, but I was a bit suprised why she wanted to know anything after so long time that has passed and the way I was discarded. They are in contact and she probably knows everything, every my message... I also believe she might didnt disclose much to her friend, because on one occassion at the start of porject I joked with somebody that I have gf and she overheard it and asked me: oh, with my friend? Then I was totally confused what part she knows or doesnt know, but then judging by her questions at the end she knows a bit?

 

Yeah shouldnt have asked what went wrong but giving the fact that she showes so much enthusiasm while we were hanging out, always eager to meet, once drove 1 hour to meet me and other time waited me for few hours, and I thought she would atleast say something. Emotions got worst out of me, I wouldnt have reached if I didnt like her that much, but also I was isolated in dormitory, had to study, few friends to hang out at that time and yeah...

[Slovakia99]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Its the reappearing as if nothing happened that gets me. I'm actually willing to forgive people and get that things happen and you might not have handled it the best way. But show me that you are sorry or can understand why I would have a problem with it. Don't just waltz back in, think you are forgiven, and everything will be just as it was. A little humility and self awareness goes along ways.

In some way I can understand her since she started college when we meet, I believe she probably underestimated college a bit, got a job (which is hard to balance) and also our texting/hanging out probably overwhelmed her a bit, since she showed so much interest from the start, also I was a bit surprised how much interest she showed from beginning. Then she started to fail some classes, got rid of job and then got rid of me eventually. But on the other hand I didnt like the way I was discarded in few days without any "warning" I wouldnt have problem of meeting her again but the way I was discarded doesnt sit with me well

[Slovakia99]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Do yourself a favor and limit the ruminating. Going over and over things like this in your head, trying to figure out why they did something months ago, it's a dead end road that will just leave you more and more confused. 

People do things for any number of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with us and are all about them. People these days also seem to lack common decency and disappear for no reason. There is no way to know what the first girl was thinking and continuing to focus on it will just keep you stuck in the past. The end result is the same no matter the reason. She disappeared and showed the kind of person she is, unreliable and not the kind of person you would want a relationship with anyway. I'd even be glad she did it that early and saved you from getting even more invested then you already were.

Same with the friend. She may have been interested in you. She may have been fishing for information. She may be as confused about the first girl as you are. Regardless, all that matters is if the two of you got along and if both of you were willing to meet up again. You tried to see her, she was busy. Don't read any more into it. If you run into her or if she contacts you, spend time with her if you want. Otherwise, don't worry about it and focus on enjoying the rest of your life. The time and stress spent replying it isn't worth the effort.

I dont want to do anything with her friend,  after some reflection she is probably the same person as my "ex" and would go probably through the same thing, either it will be "ex" again or nothing in hypothetical way.  I will probably see her friend again in 2 months from now on other project and I will just say that I wanted to meet outside of the project because the question were not clear to me and wanted to know a bit more and that there were no romantic motive behind my invitation

[Kwothe28]

Let me exlain to you womans mind in action:

Ex doesnt want you but her friend thinks you are cute because your ex already “comfirmed” you as a “potential boyfriend material”. But after the friend finds out there was no bad blood and that the ex dumped you(and that you now want her so that changed your status from “unobtainable” to “very easily obrainable”), she didnt want to be seen as taking her friends “sloppy seconds” and her attraction with you was gone. 

Eh, women, what you gona do. Just dont take it to heart, it happens.

[Slovakia99]

30 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Let me exlain to you womans mind in action:

Ex doesnt want you but her friend thinks you are cute because your ex already “comfirmed” you as a “potential boyfriend material”. But after the friend finds out there was no bad blood and that the ex dumped you(and that you now want her so that changed your status from “unobtainable” to “very easily obrainable”), she didnt want to be seen as taking her friends “sloppy seconds” and her attraction with you was gone. 

Eh, women, what you gona do. Just dont take it to heart, it happens.

So you are saying that I "sabotaged" myself with that in both ways? I feel like they are immature and somebody just made a fool out of me

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Slovakia99 said:

So you are saying that I "sabotaged" myself with that in both ways?

Most likely yes.

1 hour ago, Slovakia99 said:

 I feel like they are immature and somebody just made a fool out of me

Eh, all in the lines of work. They are certanly immature with that kind of behavior. 

I wouldnt say “fool”, you tried and failed. Look at it as a valueable experience and move on.

[Slovakia99]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Most likely yes.

Eh, all in the lines of work. They are certanly immature with that kind of behavior. 

I wouldnt say “fool”, you tried and failed. Look at it as a valueable experience and move on.

So telling her if I meet her again, that I invited her to coffe just so I wanted to hear something more about ex and that questions were unclear to me, wouldnt probably hold the water I believe. But its my only possibility to reduce any awkwardness I created... I dont know, its my fault because I cant think quickly in a second 

[AndyPandy]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Its the reappearing as if nothing happened that gets me. I'm actually willing to forgive people and get that things happen and you might not have handled it the best way. But show me that you are sorry or can understand why I would have a problem with it. Don't just waltz back in, think you are forgiven, and everything will be just as it was. A little humility and self awareness goes along ways.

Yes, they come out of the woodwork without an apology or acknowledgement that they behaved badly. I knew someone who would do this in perpetuity and any attempts to make them understand that this is wrong were met with resentment and projections.

55 minutes ago, Slovakia99 said:

 I feel like they are immature and somebody just made a fool out of me

They are immature and they're also cowardly - which is the hallmark of ghosters. They're too cowardly and emotionally immature to treat other people with common decency. Unfortunately many people remain emotionally immature throughout their entire lives. I've seen women in their 60s exhibit this behaviour.

Never forget that what goes around, comes around. Karma exists and it's waiting for them and it will strike when they least expect it.

You shouldn't look upon this as being made a fool out of.

27 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I wouldnt say “fool”, you tried and failed. Look at it as a valueable experience and move on.

Exactly. You're well rid of them and better off without them.

The rejection allows you to find someone who'll behave better - and trust me, they exist.

[Slovakia99]

2 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

Yes, they come out of the woodwork without an apology or acknowledgement that they behaved badly. I knew someone who would do this in perpetuity and any attempts to make them understand that this is wrong were met with resentment and projections.

They are immature and they're also cowardly - which is the hallmark of ghosters. They're too cowardly and emotionally immature to treat other people with common decency. Unfortunately many people remain emotionally immature throughout their entire lives. I've seen women in their 60s exhibit this behaviour.

Never forget that what goes around, comes around. Karma exists and it's waiting for them and it will strike when they least expect it.

You shouldn't look upon this as being made a fool out of.

Exactly. You're well rid of them and better off without them.

The rejection allows you to find someone who'll behave better - and trust me, they exist.

Ah, the karma thing doesnt really mean anything to me, nor would I have any satisfaction in knowing they ended up the same way as I did now on the future... But I understand what are you trying to say

[ShySoul]

On 6/18/2024 at 1:12 AM, Slovakia99 said:

So you are saying that I "sabotaged" myself with that in both ways? I feel like they are immature and somebody just made a fool out of me

Don't think you sabotaged anything or were a fool. You took a chance and did what you felt like doing. They are the ones that sabotaged it by not responding and messing up what could have been a good thing. Jokes on them if you ask me. The second girl at least sounds like she had some good reasons but should have handled it much better.

On 6/18/2024 at 2:44 AM, Slovakia99 said:

So telling her if I meet her again, that I invited her to coffe just so I wanted to hear something more about ex and that questions were unclear to me, wouldnt probably hold the water I believe.

If you see her again, ignore all of this. Best to leave the past in the past. Bringing up old things will just keep you in the past and prevent you from moving ahead with the future. Obviously find a way to ensure better communication if you start talking regularly, but otherwise just take this all as a learning experience and move on.

On 6/18/2024 at 3:10 AM, AndyPandy said:

Unfortunately many people remain emotionally immature throughout their entire lives. I've seen women in their 60s exhibit this behaviour.

I've seen men and women unable to grow up and take responsibility for their actions. On the other hand I've seen teens far advanced and wise for their years. Age really is no guarantee of maturity.

[AndyPandy]

25 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Age really is no guarantee of maturity.

Yeah. Silliness encompasses all age groups.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

Yeah. Silliness encompasses all age groups.

Just wish it was the good kind of silliness that makes you laugh and not the fustrating and annoying silliness that makes you want to pull your hair out and bang your head against the wall. I get far too much of the second and not enough of the first.

[Slovakia99]

Rejection always hurts, but the biggest hit for me(my ego) was the disappearance factor, without any hint or signs, completely unexpected it makes you roominate like crazy, mood swings, confusion, anger, sadness also thinking its all your fault, being absolutely clueless, was I able to predict, was she ever interested, having an absolute hormonal mess in the head etc. Especially when somebody was showing a lot of attention, fascinated by you, always eager to meet, combining that  to start to reassure yourself that there will be something, believing and then gone over night.Problem was that I somehow catched feelings without knowing or recognising before it all fell apart, I dont know what struck me, but from the moment we met I liked her and from chatting and hanging out,  like the Cupids Arrow struck me, couldnt control and wasnt conscious, second time it happened to me in my life, completely unexpected.

[Slovakia99]

Little update: Talk about toxicity 

Recently I have been on a project with her friend again, everything was fine, normal just like in the previous project. Until maybe last 3/4 days when she suddently started to mention ex through conversation in a way she tried to remind me that i dated her, to which I would respond and she would immediately switch the topic, so basically trying to provoke me.I also overseen when we were sitting together that they ste texting each other.On the last evening when we were in the group of 3 she had a "need" out of nowhere to "accuse" that i "love" listening to her love gossips because I want something more with her other then friendship but there will be nothing out if it, since we are only friend.

That kind of me pissed me of since I was acting normal with her all the time and she was acting all normal through project and could have said it in the beginning of project or 4 months ago, but no, she needed to have her ego trip. After that she told me lets go together to 2 upcoming projects, to which I responded no way, i had enough of her after 2/3 projects and that im not going to any projects with her anymore. She was absolutely puzzled and started to ask me why, am i kidding for straight 5 minutes, and i brought up her taking pictures of me from time to time during projects to which she responded to i am "funny".... Later she asked am i going on one next year in that time with her. Sounds Like she had its planned that I would go, with some new agenda of hers.

Hahaha, like ***, why is she worried where I will be and why I dont want to go to projects with her anymore since we are only friends and the way she "dissed" me,  she just doesnt make sense. Later in company with 2 other people one guy dissed her and we were all laughing and she said to me: what am i laughing at, i wasnt even able to "pipe" her friend, to which I responded its wasnt my fault its her fault. It kind of hurt me that comment.

I am so done with those two, but her friend especially, after those kind of comments and bringing up something after half a year and her jealousy or frustration or what other  problems she has... 

From all of the girls in the world i had to stumble on these two...

[ShySoul]

If a person tries to start drama, ignore it. You don't need to explain yourself. You don't need to work on other projects with her. Don't laugh and diss her. Just remove yourself from the situation as best as you can. 

That the most respectful and graceful way to bow out. You aren't subjecting yourself to more drama by staying around her. But you aren't stooping to that level by getting into it with her or doing something that could be made out like your causing problems. 

People who start things out of the blue feed on the reaction. Don't react, they have nothing to latch onto. And you'll be happier not having to deal with it anymore.