Mentality ill ex girlfriend ?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Lilylis said:

Yes lying about it is crazy… he should’ve been mature about it and told me what the situation is like instead of lying about it. It was very childish of him. He was scared it would seem as something else other than what it actually is. It’s the only thing he’s done wrong. He’s done a lot of things for me and he supports me, he doesn’t deserve me to leave him. I was just scared i might have to because of the impact it had on me mentally and emotionally. It’s what i need to deal with if things are to get better between us, and i really hope they will. I agree that some things are unforgivable and it’s best to suffer the pain of leaving than stay in a place that brings us pain, but i really believed he tried to do the right thing for everyone, and me suffering because of it was the last thing he wished for.

No it's not about being mature.  It's about being honest in life and especially with a partner. Please know that he excused why he lied so if things get tough he'll lie again because he thinks it's ok to lie when things are tough and he also knows you will tolerate it. Being scared of someone's reaction doesn't excuse lying.  He thinks lying to you about what was a serious issue for you was "doing the right thing" so again -if you in the future tell him something is important to you it won't matter if he is scared, or if he tells himself he is doing the "right thing" because -it's easier.  He took the easier way out.   It's not about what he "deserves" - you don't stay in a relationship because "he doesn't deserve me to leave him" -you leave when you are not being respected and when the person who has betrayed is not going to change- he is not -he is "sorry" and he is a person who will repeat this behavior.  You decide today if you can live with that.  Is that compatible with your values? It's not just "immature" it shows a lack of character and integrity and a lack of respect. You want to tie your future to someone who believes that? 

Many people don't "wish" that you will suffer -he probably didn't.  Want to know why? What he wished for was to soothe himself, to avoid doing what was hard - he didn't consider your feelings -at all.  Please don't make your standard "well he didn't wish for me to suffer" -you deserve a person who intends to do what reflects caring about the other person.  Not who simply lives by "oh well she'll be mad at me for lying but she'll be ok". 

See the light now -this is who he is.  You won't "suffer the pain" by leaving -you will open doors and opportunities to meet people in the future who have character, integrity and resilience and are reasonably confident and show respect and care for someone they are dating or in a serious relationship with.

[MissCanuck]

Oh boy, OP. 

You are making way too many excuses for this man. He is not The One for you, and you are going to learn that the very hard and painful way. 

 

[Lilylis]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No it's not about being mature.  It's about being honest in life and especially with a partner. Please know that he excused why he lied so if things get tough he'll lie again because he thinks it's ok to lie when things are tough and he also knows you will tolerate it. Being scared of someone's reaction doesn't excuse lying.  He thinks lying to you about what was a serious issue for you was "doing the right thing" so again -if you in the future tell him something is important to you it won't matter if he is scared, or if he tells himself he is doing the "right thing" because -it's easier.  He took the easier way out.   It's not about what he "deserves" - you don't stay in a relationship because "he doesn't deserve me to leave him" -you leave when you are not being respected and when the person who has betrayed is not going to change- he is not -he is "sorry" and he is a person who will repeat this behavior.  You decide today if you can live with that.  Is that compatible with your values? It's not just "immature" it shows a lack of character and integrity and a lack of respect. You want to tie your future to someone who believes that? 

Many people don't "wish" that you will suffer -he probably didn't.  Want to know why? What he wished for was to soothe himself, to avoid doing what was hard - he didn't consider your feelings -at all.  Please don't make your standard "well he didn't wish for me to suffer" -you deserve a person who intends to do what reflects caring about the other person.  Not who simply lives by "oh well she'll be mad at me for lying but she'll be ok". 

See the light now -this is who he is.  You won't "suffer the pain" by leaving -you will open doors and opportunities to meet people in the future who have character, integrity and resilience and are reasonably confident and show respect and care for someone they are dating or in a serious relationship with.

I agree with all of that, ideally none of this would’ve happened and I would’ve never been lied to. But life events are always far from ideal, and every person is surely far from ideal, especially an ideal partner. We’ve all made mistakes and hurt someone before even if accidentally. What you’re saying about his character is true, lying about something serious like this doesn’t show respect and integrity. He did chose the easy way out, maybe because he was sick and tired of having problems because of the situation, maybe because he’s just a lier. Maybe i am wrong about him and he will do something like this in the future, but in that case i won’t hesitate to leave. But if i am right, i am throwing away the best relationship i’ve had and someone who really loves me. I’m willing to risk being hurt again for the possibility that we won’t go through something like this again and we really love eachother the way other people would not.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Lilylis said:

I agree with all of that, ideally none of this would’ve happened and I would’ve never been lied to. But life events are always far from ideal, and every person is surely far from ideal, especially an ideal partner. We’ve all made mistakes and hurt someone before even if accidentally. What you’re saying about his character is true, lying about something serious like this doesn’t show respect and integrity. He did chose the easy way out, maybe because he was sick and tired of having problems because of the situation, maybe because he’s just a lier. Maybe i am wrong about him and he will do something like this in the future, but in that case i won’t hesitate to leave. But if i am right, i am throwing away the best relationship i’ve had and someone who really loves me. I’m willing to risk being hurt again for the possibility that we won’t go through something like this again and we really love eachother the way other people would not.

Only you referred to ideal. Ideal is not my standard for relationships. But my minimal standard was a person of character and integrity who values honesty including with their partner and shows it especially when it’s hard. Not referring to openness or letting it all hang out. He lied to you and betrayed you. He doesn’t think it’s wrong to lie when it’s hard. Then he prioritizes himself over being honest with his partner. Who the heck is talking about ideal or life not being ideal ? I’m not. To me this is basic play nicely in the sandbox stuff. Love isn’t enough when the person you love is willing to betray you when it’s “so hard “ or “he’s scared “.  He’ll of course take the easy way out. Because he knows you’ll tolerate it. And - because this is who he is. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Lilylis said:

i am throwing away the best relationship i’ve had and someone who really loves me

This just makes me sad for you. 

If you think this is what love looks like and this is the best you've ever had, then dear me, you have had a lot of miserable past experiences. 

I hope that you see this before you get even more hurt here. 

[TeeDee]

21 hours ago, Lilylis said:

. i just wish I would’ve known the full story sooner so that I wouldn’t have to feel like i’m not the one he loves and the one he gives his attention and care to…

But you know it now.  You are not the one he loves -- she is.  He gives you some attention & care but she is the person he wants. 

Knowing that why are you staying?  

I get that you think this is the best relationship you have ever had.  That may be true which is heartbreaking because this sucks & it's not a good relationship at all.   You are a place holder; you are the second choice because he can't have her.  

You need to go find somebody who genuinely thinks you hang the stars & the moon & for whom you are the 1st choice.  That is not this guy.  He may be better than all you have had previously but that doesn't make him good.  

[ShySoul]

On 6/24/2024 at 10:23 AM, Lilylis said:

Maybe i am wrong about him and he will do something like this in the future, but in that case i won’t hesitate to leave. But if i am right, i am throwing away the best relationship i’ve had and someone who really loves me. I’m willing to risk being hurt again for the possibility that we won’t go through something like this again and we really love eachother the way other people would not.

Lily, love is always a risk. You never know what is going to happen. But it is worth that risk. And in life sometimes the bigger the risk means a bigger reward. Sometimes love means fighting through the obstacles and overcoming them to reach a place where you are both truly happy and content. 

This is about your relationship and your heart. If you believe this is worth fighting for, then fight for it. Only you know what exists between the two of you. If you aren't ready or willing to give up, don't. Do what makes you happy.

I hope things are going well for you.