Ex wants to meet

[Happyone2000]

My ex of 2 years recently asked if I wanted to have dinner. I agreed. This comes after I reached out to him a year or so ago ( he ended things) to see if we could meet. My intentions being to try again. He agreed to talk via text first and ultimately decided not to meet me and ended it with he will always have feelings for me, wished me the best etc. It was at that moment I finally decided to let go and move past this, got myself into counseling and was doing great. Until 4 months ago he sends a random text, just a link to an article about something he clearly knew I'd know about (my fav golfer being disqualified) with a laughing emoji. I ignored it. WTH? You told me you didn't want to see me. Well in May we started talking a bit, just light conversation and not often. He's now asked me to dinner. He said he's excited to see me and catch up. What does that even mean? I still love him. Catching up and parting ways will be hard for me. It would be too hard for me to be friends also. Ugh. Confused.

[Lilylis]

It’s not worth it. Just block him and make sure he can not contact you, what he’s doing is very immature and toxic you deserve better. There’s a lot of people out there that will never treat you like that, just have hope that the right person is out there and be more optimistic for the future- the past should remain the past, especially since it made you suffer. I know it’s not what we want to hear sometimes but trust the process, forgive and forget, move on.

[Happyone2000]

Thank you for your response. It absolutely made me suffer, more than once. I know I shouldn’t go, I hope I don’t. 😊

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Happyone2000 said:

ended it with he will always have feelings for me, wished me the best etc

Did he tell you he didn't want to see you, or was the sentiment that it was, at that time, too hard seeing you? He seems to have indicated that he still has feelings for you and is trying to reach out to you and see what could happen. I don't think that's toxic. I think it's someone struggling to work through there emotions. A year ago he wasn't ready to handle everything that comes with meeting up with an ex. Now he seems to feel he is ready. I'm sure he doesn't even know what will happen. He might be wishing you could get back together. He might be hoping to be friends. He might be scared you won't feel the same about him. He's probably imagining every possible scenario. But he misses you enough to want to try.

What caused the breakup? Did someone do something that would cause this to be extra difficult? Was there something that would take a lot of forgiveness and effort to get past? Or was it more mutual with the hope that maybe you could one day work it out? 

If the two of you are ever to reconcile, even just as friends, you BOTH have to be ready for it. He feels he is. What do you feel? If you think you are, then meet him. Don't view it as potentially getting back together, just reconnecting. And if you aren't ready, thats fine too. If it would do you more harm then good, it's not worth it. Just be honest with him and, most importantly, honest with yourself.

[Batya33]

I married my ex fiancee and it all started with a platonic catch up dinner.  I am really confused as to why you haven't asked him "why do  you want to meet now when  you didn't want to meet then? What has changed?"  Have you asked him?

[Happyone2000]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I married my ex fiancee and it all started with a platonic catch up dinner.  I am really confused as to why you haven't asked him "why do  you want to meet now when  you didn't want to meet then? What has changed?"  Have you asked him?

That’s a question I was saving for dinner.  I want to know, absolutely, and at the same time I’m scared what that answer is.  

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Happyone2000 said:

That’s a question I was saving for dinner.  I want to know, absolutely, and at the same time I’m scared what that answer is.  

I absolutely would not wait given your feelings and this is at a public restaurant. Won't you want to leave if the answer isn't what you are hoping for? When I met my ex fiancee I knew my intention and his - a platonic catch up dinner.  Otherwise I would not have gone.  I mean if I thought he wanted to get back together I wouldn't have gone -ironically that's just what happened -sparks flew -but I am totally sure that was not his motive in wanting to meet or if it was in the back of his mind it was wayyyyy in the back.  That is why we had a great time - we were on the same wavelength.  

In 2003 a different ex wanted to meet for coffee when I was visiting his city.  I hadn't seen him in 5 years and that was at an engagement party for a mutual friend and I was with a boyfriend.  I was intrigued -I was over him -we broke up in 1993 -but I was single and open to whatever.  To my knowledge he also was single -but we were just meeting for coffee during the day.

  When we met he told me he was gay and living with his partner.  It was a total shock.  But that was why he wanted to meet for coffee -to tell me in person. Which was a good thing.  We're still in touch via FB and we message a couple times a year and he's still with his partner, now legally married.  So - I guess you never know!

[Cherylyn]

It's unhealthy to resume communication with your ex let alone meet him for dinner.  There is no purpose.  It's better to go NC (no contact),  block and delete him everywhere so you both of you can heal and truly move on. 

Relationships failed for a reason so it's best to accept it and keep going forward to have your new normal and so you can continue to grow.

[Happyone2000]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Did he tell you he didn't want to see you, or was the sentiment that it was, at that time, too hard seeing you? He seems to have indicated that he still has feelings for you and is trying to reach out to you and see what could happen. I don't think that's toxic. I think it's someone struggling to work through there emotions. A year ago he wasn't ready to handle everything that comes with meeting up with an ex. Now he seems to feel he is ready. I'm sure he doesn't even know what will happen. He might be wishing you could get back together. He might be hoping to be friends. He might be scared you won't feel the same about him. He's probably imagining every possible scenario. But he misses you enough to want to try.

What caused the breakup? Did someone do something that would cause this to be extra difficult? Was there something that would take a lot of forgiveness and effort to get past? Or was it more mutual with the hope that maybe you could one day work it out? 

If the two of you are ever to reconcile, even just as friends, you BOTH have to be ready for it. He feels he is. What do you feel? If you think you are, then meet him. Don't view it as potentially getting back together, just reconnecting. And if you aren't ready, thats fine too. If it would do you more harm then good, it's not worth it. Just be honest with him and, most importantly, honest with yourself.

Thank you for your input. Many good questions, and things I’ve asked myself. I will be honest, if I choose to go through with this.  Being honest with myself is hard, I’m very torn. 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Happyone2000 said:

He said he's excited to see me and catch up. What does that even mean?

He has a drought so he remembered you exist. You mixing all this with some kind of feelings he has for you, is a part of a problem. Because he doesnt have what you are imagining him to have. Because if he had those feelings, he wouldnt be terrible to you nore play those games.

Respect yourself more. Dont agree to that dinner and block him on everything.

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

He has a drought so he remembered you exist.

Bingo.

He has likely just stopped seeing someone or the single life isn't as exciting as he thought. Don't do this to yourself, OP. It's likely not going to end well. 

[DarkCh0c0]

So his ladies pond is empty. He checks his phone and starts messaging any woman desperate enough to chat with him, and there you go! This is you OP.

Why would you want be someone's maybe or back up? Why go back to someone who already dumped you? 🗑️

I recommend you decline the invitation. Say you thought over it and realized it's not what you want.

I'd seriously cut all contact with him. Don't leave such easy access to you.

Time to move on to better things! You gotta respect yourself more.

[Batya33]

Tell yourself -if I truly thought he wanted to get back together and simply wanted to tell me that in person instead of on the phone I wouldn't be afraid to be open with him and ask him why specifically he wanted to meet.  Because if he truly wants to get back together -but this is simply a matter of "I'd rather tell her when I see her in person" then you and he would not be afraid to be vulnerable with each other -that would be part of any future you would have, right? Also dispel yourself of any notion that if he is torn/on the fence then "seeing you in person" will spark him/change his mind.  

[JoyfulCompany]

Yeah...
Chances are he's going through a dry spell. Maybe there's a very very small percentage of chance he has clean motives (getting back together or being friends) but why count on that if you still harbour feelings for him?

So, if I were you, I would evaluate if I'm open to reconciliation, friendship or nothing.
At the same time - if I think he's an accountable and trustworthy person.
(Perhaps based on questions like "How was the relationship and why it ended?", "Did he take responsibility for what he did wrong (if there's anything he did wrong)?", etc.)

And, yes, I will ask directly - what's the intention behind that invitation. And if that intention doesn't match your own, I'd decline. It sounds you're doing great, why rock the boat only to get hurt again?

I have an ex I used to love and miss and hope we'd end together for several years after we broke up. (Thankfully, not anymore, gosh, it was so embarrassingly hard to get over the fantasy of him/us.) He would come around from time to time, with no intentions, just out of boredom, I guess. My feelings got hurt a few times. I would ask him for space and go NC and after some time (couple of months or couple of years) he would pop up again. Last time he did that, we met up. I was hoping he had something important to say (I really hoped for an apology) but that didn't happen, it was more like a catch-up. It was very pleasant and I could see myself falling for him again. It threw me into my old patterns of missing him for a couple of days but then I got angry, as I knew better than that. I asked him why he was trying to get back into my life. He said he wasn't sure. I told him I prefer clear intentions, there's no point then, wished him well, said goodbye and blocked him. Standing up for myself like that helped me finally get over him.

[Happyone2000]

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

He has a drought so he remembered you exist. You mixing all this with some kind of feelings he has for you, is a part of a problem. Because he doesnt have what you are imagining him to have. Because if he had those feelings, he wouldnt be terrible to you nore play those games.

Respect yourself more. Dont agree to that dinner and block him on everything.

I believe you are correct. It’s a game, it’s boredom, it’s bull*** as it was every other time. He’s so believable, yet there’s still that same old feeling that something just isn’t right, something always off.  I have to for once follow my gut..

[Andrina]

On 6/16/2024 at 4:47 PM, Happyone2000 said:

It was at that moment I finally decided to let go and move past this, got myself into counseling and was doing great. Until 4 months ago he sends a random text, just a link to an article about something he clearly knew I'd know about (my fav golfer being disqualified) with a laughing emoji. I ignored it. WTH? You told me you didn't want to see me.

A good watershed moment to block him for good. As you can see, he got your emotions all riled up with this intrusion into your closure. It's time to achieve another step in your growth and no longer give him access to you.

[Happyone2000]

13 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Yeah...
Chances are he's going through a dry spell. Maybe there's a very very small percentage of chance he has clean motives (getting back together or being friends) but why count on that if you still harbour feelings for him?

So, if I were you, I would evaluate if I'm open to reconciliation, friendship or nothing.
At the same time - if I think he's an accountable and trustworthy person.
(Perhaps based on questions like "How was the relationship and why it ended?", "Did he take responsibility for what he did wrong (if there's anything he did wrong)?", etc.)

And, yes, I will ask directly - what's the intention behind that invitation. And if that intention doesn't match your own, I'd decline. It sounds you're doing great, why rock the boat only to get hurt again?

I have an ex I used to love and miss and hope we'd end together for several years after we broke up. (Thankfully, not anymore, gosh, it was so embarrassingly hard to get over the fantasy of him/us.) He would come around from time to time, with no intentions, just out of boredom, I guess. My feelings got hurt a few times. I would ask him for space and go NC and after some time (couple of months or couple of years) he would pop up again. Last time he did that, we met up. I was hoping he had something important to say (I really hoped for an apology) but that didn't happen, it was more like a catch-up. It was very pleasant and I could see myself falling for him again. It threw me into my old patterns of missing him for a couple of days but then I got angry, as I knew better than that. I asked him why he was trying to get back into my life. He said he wasn't sure. I told him I prefer clear intentions, there's no point then, wished him well, said goodbye and blocked him. Standing up for myself like that helped me finally get over him.

Thank you for your response.  I believe it’s in my best interest to not see him. He caused me a lot of pain and anguish. I had a lot of moments where I just didn’t believe things he’d tell me, like where he was, what he was doing. Just gut feelings. I could never prove it until at the end, he was caught in a lie. One that made no sense to lie about. Says it was the only time he lied to me.  Then the very next day, another one came out. So he lied about lying lol. It made me feel like all these gut feelings I had were right. Long story short, I became insecure in the relationship, which he hated. And there’s more.  Ya, I can’t see him. 

[Happyone2000]

On 6/16/2024 at 5:04 PM, Lilylis said:

It’s not worth it. Just block him and make sure he can not contact you, what he’s doing is very immature and toxic you deserve better. There’s a lot of people out there that will never treat you like that, just have hope that the right person is out there and be more optimistic for the future- the past should remain the past, especially since it made you suffer. I know it’s not what we want to hear sometimes but trust the process, forgive and forget, move on.

Thank you for your response. You are correct, I do deserve better. 

[Happyone2000]

On 6/16/2024 at 7:15 PM, Batya33 said:

I absolutely would not wait given your feelings and this is at a public restaurant. Won't you want to leave if the answer isn't what you are hoping for? When I met my ex fiancee I knew my intention and his - a platonic catch up dinner.  Otherwise I would not have gone.  I mean if I thought he wanted to get back together I wouldn't have gone -ironically that's just what happened -sparks flew -but I am totally sure that was not his motive in wanting to meet or if it was in the back of his mind it was wayyyyy in the back.  That is why we had a great time - we were on the same wavelength.  

In 2003 a different ex wanted to meet for coffee when I was visiting his city.  I hadn't seen him in 5 years and that was at an engagement party for a mutual friend and I was with a boyfriend.  I was intrigued -I was over him -we broke up in 1993 -but I was single and open to whatever.  To my knowledge he also was single -but we were just meeting for coffee during the day.

  When we met he told me he was gay and living with his partner.  It was a total shock.  But that was why he wanted to meet for coffee -to tell me in person. Which was a good thing.  We're still in touch via FB and we message a couple times a year and he's still with his partner, now legally married.  So - I guess you never know!

I appreciate your response, thank you so much for taking the time. No, you never do know.  We started talking again when we were on the same dating site. It moved to text, then he disappeared on the site(he is always on all the sites), said he hates being in there. Ya, sure.  I got off just after him as my subscription ended and well, I had hope. Wouldn’t you know, he’s back on with a new profile looking for “ a serious relationship”.  I had a feeling…..  

 

[MissCanuck]

Just cut all contact with him. 

This is not a person worth re-connecting with. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Happyone2000 said:

I appreciate your response, thank you so much for taking the time. No, you never do know.  We started talking again when we were on the same dating site. It moved to text, then he disappeared on the site(he is always on all the sites), said he hates being in there. Ya, sure.  I got off just after him as my subscription ended and well, I had hope. Wouldn’t you know, he’s back on with a new profile looking for “ a serious relationship”.  I had a feeling…..  

 

Yes so the way you got in contact was random not purposeful.

I'll add -had  there been any cheating or betrayals in my relationship with my ex fiancee who later became my husband I would not have seen him again.

I think you made a good decision.

[Guest]

That can be really hard and I’d to see you hurt as a result of meeting with him.  Are you open to exploring truly reconnecting with him? If not I might err on the side of not meeting with him, it can only lead to confusion on both sides.  Keep us posted!

[ShySoul]

Find it interesting the assumption was that he was was playing games and purposefully trying out to lie and manipulate her.Nothing in the initial post indicated that. 

Ultimately we should all follow our heart and do what is right for us. Just keep in mind that if you believe people won't change, they never have the chance to.

[shouldhavelearned]

True Shy

 

One just has to be cautious.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

One just has to be cautious.

Agreed, Nothing wrong with being cautious. 

Just wonder if sometimes being cautious leads people to being overly cautious or even paranoid. Feels like once people have had a bad experience the walls come up and the default becomes that everyone is out to get you and there actions are based on selfish motivations. While that's true for some, I'll always have faith most people are good and that in general giving the benefit of the doubt is a good thing.