thegoldenchicken Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 Myself 26F and my boyfriend 26M have been together for only 3 months. There wasn't any signs of this at the start but within the past month I've noticed a change in his behaviour. I'm unable to discuss the relationship or my feelings at all without him getting incredibly defensive and annoyed, he invalidates my feelings and if i continue to try to talk he will say "im done with this conversation" and leave. My boyfriend is incapable of apologising or taking accountability for anything, he blames me for pretty much everything and will then yell, swear at me, say a bunch of horrible things and tell me to "shut the *** up"; if i dont adhere to his orders and be quiet then he'll leave and won't talk to me until the next day, to which he won't address what happened at all. If i mention it then its a repetitive cycle of him being horrible to me until i'm told to be quiet so he can avoid the conversation. A common thing he's started doing is he'll disrespect me or say something horrible to me, i'll speak up about it and he'll accuse me of being sensitive. Then he'll blame me for being the reason he's done/said what he has, if i try to defend myself or deny anything then he says "oh no pretty little princess, you're so perfect, you could never harm anyone or do anything wrong" in the most sarcastic voice. My boyfriend will make me cry and be fully aware that he's hurt me and he'll just leave me alone and go to sleep, fully aware that i hate sleeping upset.There was a time where i was pretty much having a panic attack because i couldn't believe how horrible he was talking to me and he just said i cry about everything, walked away, turned out the lights and left me to cry in the dark by myself. He says he loves me a lot and wants to build a life with me, that he wants to work on our issues so we can be happy; but will then continue to yell, be horrible and disrespect me. There's a lot more which is too much for me to write in this post but because he blames me for so much, it's making me start to think I'm the problem and i feel so hurt, lost and confused. I want our relationship to work because there are wonderful things about him but im unsure if it's even worth it at this point. Should i stay and try to work through things out or leave? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 28 minutes ago, thegoldenchicken said: Should i stay and try to work through things out or leave? I am confused why this is even a question. This "person" is an abusive d-bag of course you should leave, like yesterday. At only three months in and given his deplorable and abusive treatment, I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of telling him why. He's not stupid, no man is, he KNOWS exactly why. Simply block and delete him and ask yourself why you have not left sooner... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 Why are you putting up with this, and what do you think you should do? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 6 hours ago, thegoldenchicken said: Should i stay and try to work through things out or leave? Why is the bolded even a consideration for you? He treats you like dog crap and it's only been 3 months. What exactly makes you want to stay in a bad relationship? Are you afraid to be alone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 There want any signs before because you had “rose colored glassea” and/or he was on his best behavior. Now you are seeing real him. You will get that version of him in the future. Disrespectful, abusive etc. So yes, you better leave while you still can. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 10 hours ago, thegoldenchicken said: that he wants to work on our issues so we can be happy; If a couple has to "work on issues" three months in and the issues are as you described with rare exceptions (no exceptions here!) the response is -bye bye. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 Once you stop seeking his approval, you'll muster the confidence to walk away. What does that look like? Let me spell it out for you: 1. Emotional safety. 2. Your feelings are always valid, and you have a right to express them. 3. You don't owe anyone anything. 4. You want a Love that means both parties have mutual trust, respect, and empathy. This isn't it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 Leave. Been there....it doesn't get better. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 On 6/4/2024 at 10:58 AM, thegoldenchicken said: im unsure if it's even worth it at this point. Should i stay and try to work through things out or leave? He's showing you his real, true character and what you see is what you get. All of this abuse in only 3 months?? Ask yourself, do you really visualise yourself living this way for the rest of your life with someone like this who treats you like trash and has zero respect for you? This guy is a toxic, dysfunctional mess and the sooner you leave the better. Be done and head for the hills. If you stay, knowing how badly he treats you (which will only get worse), then that's on you. Leave. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 It's only been 90 days. If it's this bad already he's probably going to start physically abusing you in 90 more days. Leave now while you still have some sense of self. Staying only destroys you. I understand why you feel hurt. You thought he liked you but he's not. I don't get why you are confused. It's crystal clear. He's an abusive <bleep>. The confusing part is why you can't see that & act accordingly. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 A narcissist or those who lack empathy don't care how you feel, don't want to discuss what doesn't interest them, will always deny your feelings, deny that whatever happened didn't happen and will always manipulate you whether in person, verbally or in written form. It's all the same. The only time they're civil is when everything is in their favor as long as they're in control. There is a pecking order here and you're definitely not on the top. You're beneath your boyfriend or anyone who behaves selfishly. You have no status. Grow accustomed to being disrespected and treated as if you don't matter because this is how it is.☹️ Even though my story is not the same as yours, I too have been on the receiving end of the same mistreatment you are experiencing. Telling you to shut the _______ up is a way to shut you down and often times, it works. Suddenly, you know your place, you are defeated, you are inferior as he is superior to you. This is the game. Being held accountable and apologies will never be forthcoming in a million years. It's not his nature. Remember, no empathy means no empathy and often times it is the definition of a narcissist which btw, is not preening oneself in the mirror. I wish it were that easy but it is not. Far from it. Giving you the silent treatment and acting as if nothing happened at all is typical despicable behavior. You're expected to "play nice" all the while and pretend that everything is wonderful. 😒 You're expected to put up and shut up. Go along to get along. This is how a narcissist controls you. You either play this game and take his ______ repeatedly or dissolve and exit the relationship. Are you going to take ______ from him or anyone? Think again. I wouldn't if I were you. He accuses you of being sensitive. Educate yourself with this word: Gaslighting. Gaslighting is deflecting and manipulating the conversation so you are forced to question your perception of the facts and you are labeled as crazy. It's the oldest, nastiest, ugliest trick there is. Never fall prey to this evil mind game. 😡 Gaslighting is also telling you that you're not so perfect and everyone has foibles including you. Blah, blah, blah. Gaslighting is a way to control you and treat you in the most condescending manner. Lose all admiration and respect for a person who engages in gaslighting. They're not worth the dirt you stand on. Don't cry anymore. 😭 Shed your tears and think smart. 🫢 It will take you a few days to process this but change the way you think. If you want to win for yourself and treat yourself with dignity, then get out. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration. Any other way is: NO. No deal. If you start thinking you're the problem, he has won gaslighting you successfully. There is nothing wonderful about him because his badness is what makes you miserable and no one can be happy with a guy like that. No, he's not worth it. Leave. Dump the chump. He acts like an ___________. 😠 Strengthen your resolve by empowering yourself. Be in control of your own life. Never allow anyone to beat you down. Be kind and good to yourself. Rescue yourself and exit yourself from this very abusive relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect. Anything less than respect is INTOLERABLE AND UNACCEPTABLE. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaytonie Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 You described so many reason to leave - and all of them should be deal breakers. You've only been together 3 month? In 3 months you should still be in a honeymoon phase, not agonizing because he's beaten you down and made you believe you are the problem. Don't just walk away - run from this relationship, full speed, and don't leave anything at his place. Block all contact - social media, phones, etc. You dont want to know what he is doing, and you will feel so much better after a week or so without him. We are rooting for you! You can do this! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 On 6/3/2024 at 8:58 PM, thegoldenchicken said: . I'm unable to discuss the relationship or my feelings at all without him getting incredibly defensive and annoyed, he invalidates my feelings and if i continue to try to talk he will say "im done with this conversation" and leave. My boyfriend is incapable of apologising or taking accountability for anything, he blames me for pretty much everything and will then yell, swear at me, say a bunch of horrible things and tell me to "shut the *** up"; if i dont adhere to his orders and be quiet then he'll leave and won't talk to me until the next day, to which he won't address what happened at all. If i mention it then its a repetitive cycle of him being horrible to me until i'm told to be quiet so he can avoid the conversation. A common thing he's started doing is he'll disrespect me or say something horrible to me, i'll speak up about it and he'll accuse me of being sensitive. Then he'll blame me for being the reason he's done/said what he has, if i try to defend myself or deny anything then he says "oh no pretty little princess, you're so perfect, you could never harm anyone or do anything wrong" in the most sarcastic voice. Umm, it has only been 3 months.. WHY are you still hanging around this idiot?? 😞 HE is being abusive and controlling towards you.. do you like it? No. This is why you're here. Now you know how one should NOT be treated, he is nasty!! Get away from him and do NOT take his crap anymore. Even if he tries to 'play nice' and pull you back. Some people do that. Just don't. Keep with the idea that YOU deserve much better treatment than this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 How long have you been exclusively dating? Long distance plus military is very challenging. I'd try one more time using I statements "I feel disappointed when you won't make a plan to see me. I understand you are very busy and if you are too busy to make plans with me in person that is fine and if that is so then I think we should stop being boyfriend and girlfriend and go our separate ways. I am a person who wants to see my partner regularly and if you cannot then let's see where we are when we live in the same place in the future. If he tells you "I want to see you so badly. Right now I have to work on weekends or I am trying to catch up on sleep because they're making us do ___". How about if we plan a weekend [2-3 weeks from now] and I cannot wait to see you" Meaning if after this there is no high level enthusiasm on his part to see you and make a plan in the future -with a real work related/health related excuse then I'd end this. Does he now have a social life on weekends? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 1 hour ago, thegoldenchicken said: he never expresses the need to want to be with me in person, im always the one to try to make plans and his response is "I'll think about it" 1 hour ago, thegoldenchicken said: Despite my efforts to see him in person, we haven't seen eachother in a month, im always the one to initiate making plans as he claims he's "not a planner" Irish Proverb-Your feet will take you to where your heart is. His words are meaningless when his actions don't support them. The two hour distance isn't that great when you could each drive an hour to meet up for a meal, a walk in a park, a weekend stay in a cozy rental. A good relationship will progress to deeper levels. This one is regressing. There are guys who like the chase until he reaches his goal of knocking boots, and then he doesn't want to put in the needed effort a serious relationship requires, so he acts like a jerk so the woman will dump him and he can move on to new sex with another casual situation. I wouldn't even give this guy an ultimatum. His lack of effort shows he's just not that into you or he never wanted a serious thing and this is his pattern. Don't lower yourself to plead and bargain. You deserve a man worthy of you that you don't ever have to resort to that. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 4 months in and 2 hours apart, and you have not seen him for the past month at all - it sounds like you both started off with a little too much too soon and it was not realistically sustainable. In your case, you were feeling "loved" with a person you were just getting to know and who I guess you've seen in person maybe a handful of times (3 months, only on some weekends, not much). "Courtship" is rarely the same as an established day to day relationship. What is happening now is the actual, real relationship. He's obviously not into it and if you are not exaggerating it sounds completely over. Not taking you for granted - simply he is not engaged in a relationship with you at all. I'm sorry. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 I wouldn't consider someone who's bored with me at 4 months to be worthy of an in-person breakup. I'd just respond to his next contact, "This isn't working for me. I wish you the best." ...and I'd be on my next date with someone else that night. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 3 hours ago, thegoldenchicken said: I always felt loved, cared for, appreciated and secure. The bloom is off the rose. I would just be done. I quoted the above because you are talking about love in connection with a 90 day relationship where you primarily play video games & what saw each other on a few weekends? You got far too invested way too soon given the parameters of your interactions. He's pulling back & not making an effort. That tells you where you stand & he's not responding to make positive changes when you ask to have your needs met. For him to say that he will withhold compliments & affectionate messages when you ask for them is mean. It's not a caring loving thing to do. In a healthy relationship when a partner asks for something easy to give, you comply. You don't punish them by withholding the very thing they asked for 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post MissCanuck Posted June 8 Popular Post Share Posted June 8 He isn't taking you for granted, exactly. He is losing interest. It hurts either way, but this isn't a guy who really wants this relationship anymore. The shine has already worn off and he's letting it fizzle. I'd personally bow out gracefully here and move on. It's heading that way anyway, unfortunately. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 1 hour ago, MissCanuck said: He isn't taking you for granted, exactly. He is losing interest. This. Its just a standard behavior when they lose an interest and just dont care anymore. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegoldenchicken Posted June 8 Author Share Posted June 8 2 hours ago, MissCanuck said: He isn't taking you for granted, exactly. He is losing interest. It hurts either way, but this isn't a guy who really wants this relationship anymore. The shine has already worn off and he's letting it fizzle. I'd personally bow out gracefully here and move on. It's heading that way anyway, unfortunately. He states he wants to be with me and is happy though. Sometimes he'll mention things for us to do in the future and places he wants us to go together. Surely if he's losing interest and didn't want the relationship then he wouldn't do those things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 4 minutes ago, thegoldenchicken said: He states he wants to be with me and is happy though. Sometimes he'll mention things for us to do in the future and places he wants us to go together. "Stating" and "mentioning" things have very little to do with functioning in a relationship. 4 minutes ago, thegoldenchicken said: Surely if he's losing interest and didn't want the relationship then he wouldn't do those things. Why not? Stating and mentioning things is no skin of of anyone's back. He might be trying to be "nice," or avoid conflict, or maybe he just thinks he'll see you around sometime maybe if he happens to feel motivated enough at some point. Please judge people by what they DO and not what they say. Surely you know this. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 20 minutes ago, thegoldenchicken said: Surely if he's losing interest and didn't want the relationship then he wouldn't do those things. Eh, not necessarily. Unfortunately, a lot of people are fine to coast along until they muster up the courage to break up with thier partner. His actions (or lack thereof) are telling you where his feelings really are. I'm sorry, girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 59 minutes ago, thegoldenchicken said: He states he wants to be with me and is happy though. Sometimes he'll mention things for us to do in the future and places he wants us to go together. Surely if he's losing interest and didn't want the relationship then he wouldn't do those things. When is your next date planned for ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 Unfortunately, there's a lot working against you. He's in the military and 2 hours away for starters. Having a relationship with you is inconvenient. Military life is tough, very strict, he's always taking orders and it's a regimented career. Any time off is limited and being with you is a hassle no matter who initiates it. However, gaming is convenient because no one has to go anywhere. 🙄 I've learned that with any relationship (or friendship), it's easy to burnout when there's so much enthusiasm, effort, labor, energy and resources expended to keep the rapport afloat. There's a lot of fuss in the beginning as opposed to a lighter load and less zealous maintenance over the long haul. I've learned this experience the hard way. 😒 It's better to be consistent yet not in a bombardment mode whether it's seeing each other, engaging in electronic communication, heavy cell phone use, all of it. In other words, giving each other time and space is good as long as there is a happy medium from the very beginning; not heavy in the beginning and then drifting apart as time goes by. In your case, however, it sounds like he's bored and no longer possesses the same enthusiasm as in the beginning. Some people prefer excitement at first and after that, they trail off and no longer have the same desire to be with you or anyone. It's their personality. If I were you, I'd move on. He isn't worth it. Hopefully, in the future, you can be with a local man, preferably non-military and the type of man who is on the same page with you regarding how to mutually navigate the relationship. I wouldn't say he's taking you for granted. He doesn't care. He doesn't give a ________. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now