Got Ghosted, Extremely Confused

[Hello123321]

Hi all,

So this girl who I have
some mutual friends with added me on Facebook about a week ago, we started
liking each others stuff and eventually she messaged me. Turns out she is
cousins with someone I know. But we hit it off really well and we actually
started hanging out a few times and unprompted she would start telling me how
much she really likes me and really likes hanging out with me. And I've kind of
enjoyed my single life so I hadn't met anyone in a while that really peaked my
interest and that I wanted to keep hanging with, but this girl is someone I did
want to continue seeing and I was starting to be interested in here. She even
told me she I gave her anxiety one time because I made a joke just being silly
and she thought it meant I didn't want to hang out with her anymore. Which I
assured her I was joking, so it ended up being nothing. Anyways things have
been going well since and we actually made plans to hang out this weekend,
however over the past couple of days she's kind of just been completely ghosting
me out of nowhere. I've texted her a couple of times over the past couple of
days and I've gotten no response. She did mention to me that she got out of a
serious 4 year relationship 4 months ago and that he was abusive in certain
ways, and also that she has depression so I was the first guy she's really
wanted to start hanging out with multiple times since her relationship.

I guess I'm just
wondering what should I do? Should I just let it go? I don't want to push the
subject but I was really started to get interested in her so I'm honestly
pretty bummed out and for some reason I can't stop questioning myself about
every little thing trying to figure out if there's something I'm missing. Just
not sure how someone that seemed to be into me so much could just do a complete
180 and not even communicate with me at all all of a sudden.

Anyways sorry for rambling, just kind of
down in the dumps about it. But I guess it is what it is.

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, Hello123321 said:

Just
not sure how someone that seemed to be into me so much could just do a complete
180 and not even communicate with me at all all of a sudden.

That is actually not really that hard to understand. You dont know that woman. For you, she is a stranger. So, its not that hard to be wrong about somebody like that. It could be a million reasons why, maybe she got back to her boyfriend, maybe she never left him in the first place, maybe her anxiety kicked in and she just doesnt want to hang out anymore.  But the truth is, you dont know because you basically didnt know her enough in a short time. So dont bang your head about it.

Also yes, let it go. If she ghosted you she doesnt want to talk to you. Dont take it to heart, again,  you dont even know why she did it. Just respect her wishes and move on.

[Cherylyn]

Give her all the time and space she wants.  She has her own troubles to deal with.  Back off.  You've contacted her,  she ghosted you and by ghosting you,  it's her message to you to leave her alone.  She needs to get herself together. 

Give people what they want.  If they wish to engage,  then oblige.  If they're not in the mood to interact with you,  this is your cue not to bother.

She'll either come around when she's ready or if she doesn't,  get her message by moving on. 

[TeeDee]

Today is Thursday.  You said you have plans to hang out this weekend.  Wait until tomorrow, Friday, then reach out one more time to confirm the weekend plans.  

 

Keep it light & say something along the lines of: 

Hey.  Just checking.  Are we still on for [day / date] to [activity]?  If you are not up for it, that is OK.  No pressure but please let me know.  If you don't respond ,I am not gonna show up because I will take that as you're no longer interested.

 

The only reason I am saying you should reach out one more time is because you said in your post that you & this woman have plans.   Otherwise I would say just forget about her.  

[yogacat]

Put it this way...

IF she's ghosting you because she's indecisive as to whether to involve herself further with you, you're already being subjected to some pretty unsavory treatment.

I can't fathom how that would be worth pursuing more. 

It would make much more sense for her to not have been as much into you as you had previously gotten to thinking during those good times. Maybe she's realized that she's forcing it with you out of want to have that kind of connection with someone, but not because she feels something real for you atm. 

You could try reaching out one more time to see if she responds, but don't push it too much. Try to keep it abstract or uncomplicated. Because then she hadn't reached out to you for the past while - the ball has been in her court for quite some time. In short, it's whatever she's making of it.

All you can do now is stay dignified and attempt to displace the attachment you've developed for her as much as possible.

[Andrina]

I know you thought her to be attractive and liked her personality. But are you willing to let the reason she's ghosting slide because she's a cutie? There are a limited number of reasons this could be happening:  rudeness or cowardice or wanting to isolate herself because of her depression. 

 Ethically, she doesn't owe you anything because you're not dating. But it would be more polite of her to at least give some sort of reply that she can't make an equal effort of communication right now because of personal issues. 

I'll share that when I was too young and dumb and wasn't in a good place mentally, I married a man with depression. Most of the time, except for one time period when I threatened divorce, the depression was untreated. There were times he behaved with unwarranted anger and defensiveness. There were times he wouldn't engage in conversation at the dinner table and then retreated to his man-cave for isolation. I advise anyone not to date someone with untreated depression. The person can't be a good partner to you. 

If you wouldn't ghost someone, don't accept someone who does that to you. Don't ignore signs of what will predict the same future behavior from that person. There are attractive people out there who are more mentally ready to be in the sort of relationship you desire. Hold out for a woman like that.

[Coily]

Sometimes people get busy or distracted, I find our need for constant communication exhausting as it makes putting off an answer by a day or two go from trivial to world ending.

I think the answer is a combination of all of the above. Make a simple "Hey do you still want to do X on Y day?" question, without preloading it will too much.  Many want to spark a conversation, when a "Yes" or "No" will tell you paragraphs.

She could be fickle, she could be depressed, she could be one of those "the man must pursue me",  she could be busy, she could be a lousy bum, or any number of things. The question is who are you? Take the road that leads you to be better tomorrow than today.

[AndyPandy]

I could wallpaper my entire home with episodes of being ghosted. Unfortunately it's a fact of life that this will happen at some point during our search for love and affection - potentially on multiple occasions as I've experienced.

This behaviour always says much more about the perpetrator than the recipient. (On a side note it's bemusing to observe their reactions when you later cross paths with them unexpectedly and their shock at failing to realise that it's a small world.)

When ghosting happens - regardless of the motivations, they're actually unwittingly doing you a favour by signalling that they're unsuitable and that you should find someone who is deserving of your attention.

Recognise that signal and act accordingly.

 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Hello123321 said:

Just not sure how someone that seemed to be into me so much

That's the thing though - you don't know this woman. Texting a lot isn't the same as truly being into you,which is impossible when you have never met. 

I get that you're confused how she could drop off the radar but it also sounds like you've lost some perspective here and forgot that you two are still strangers to each other. Messaging is not dating, of course, so it's important not to build up your expectations when you have never met. 

Maybe she's not really done with her ex. Maybe she's been talking to some other guy. The point is that you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, nor would I stress over it. Next time, keep messaging to a minium until you actually meet in person and can better assess compatibility. 

[smackie9]

Walk away buddy, don't waste anymore of your time. 

[Hello123321]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

That's the thing though - you don't know this woman. Texting a lot isn't the same as truly being into you,which is impossible when you have never met. 

I get that you're confused how she could drop off the radar but it also sounds like you've lost some perspective here and forgot that you two are still strangers to each other. Messaging is not dating, of course, so it's important not to build up your expectations when you have never met. 

Maybe she's not really done with her ex. Maybe she's been talking to some other guy. The point is that you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, nor would I stress over it. Next time, keep messaging to a minium until you actually meet in person and can better assess compatibility. 

We had hung out multiple times, we had gone to dinner, she's also spent time with me at my house multiple times.  She literally told me in person unprompted that she liked me a lot.  I didn't even say it back because I wasn't prepared to do so given we had only hung out a couple of times at that point.

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, Hello123321 said:

 She literally told me in person unprompted that she liked me a lot.  I didn't even say it back because I wasn't prepared to do so given we had only hung out a couple of times at that point.

Well now we know WHY she's ghosting you.  She thinks you rejected her. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Hello123321 said:

We had hung out multiple times, we had gone to dinner, she's also spent time with me at my house multiple times.

And you only met her a week ago?

 

[ShySoul]

Hello123321, did you hear back from her? Where you able to go out as planned?

If things are just starting, it's easy for someone to get cold feet. If she was coming out of an abusive long term relationship and suffers from depression, it makes sense that she might be skittish on starting something new. She may have cared for you but been afraid of getting to close. I had someone pull back repeatedly because of damage from past relationships which made her afraid to trust her own feelings. And if someone disappears, it may not have anything to do with the relationship at all. Life can throw all kinds of unexpected chaos at us. Maybe something came up?

On 6/13/2024 at 10:50 AM, Hello123321 said:

I guess I'm just wondering what should I do? Should I just let it go?

Hopefully you were able to get in touch and she explained herself. But if you didn't, follow your gut. If you want to reach out and ask what happened, do so. If you are okay letting things go, do so. Realize that you probably did nothing wrong and that sometimes life just has other plans for us then the ones we thought we had.

[Elite Romancer]

OP if you want to have a happy and healthy love life, you seriously need to take dating standards and emotional intelligence into consideration.

1. She is not emotionally available, had a 4 year absuive relationship 4 months ago, it takes women at least 1 year to be ready to move on, usually longer. 
2. She has depression, obviously needing time to heal and moving onto  a rebound relationship wont help.
3. You should have better standards in who you invest your emotions in, if you disregard caution to the wind then you're likely to end in a toxic relationship that makes your life miserable.
4. She ghosted you already and it's been what, a couple weeks? She's doing exactly what any girl would in her situation and there will be more issues like this and worse because again, 4 months.... She's only been out of her relationship 4 months, she needs time to mentally and emotionally recover. Getting in a relationship with you won't her her, you aint jesus bro. 

Hope you focus on more heathy dating choices, but it's your life brother.

[Hello123321]

Hi all, so I ended up reaching back out to see what happened.  Apparently she said it began with some silly argument that we got into after one of the first few times  and it went downhill from there.  What's confusing to me is that after that argument we patched it up that night and she stayed the night and she even the next day messaged me worried that I wasn't interested in her anymore.  I didn't think it was that big of a deal. And I've reached out to apologize and try to see if we can talk it out and start fresh(even though I believe I was mostly in the right in terms of what the argument was about). But things never were the same after that. And when I've asked to hang since she said yeah we can do that and see how the vibe is. Then things seem fine but then eventually she stops responding.  So idk I guess I should probably just let it go. Who knows where it would've went I wasn't in a hurry to get into anything but we definitely had a great time when we hung out so it's more just kind of a "what if" thing and me beating myself up for whatever I did. Maybe it's just an ego thing who knows. But now that I've tried at least she knows where I stand so the balls in her court.  Me trying even further is just going to make her think I'm going to just keep hanging around and trying even when she doesn't give me much in return. If that makes sense.  So I should probably just move forward and say no more correct?

On 6/21/2024 at 11:02 PM, ShySoul said:

Hello123321, did you hear back from her? Where you able to go out as planned?

If things are just starting, it's easy for someone to get cold feet. If she was coming out of an abusive long term relationship and suffers from depression, it makes sense that she might be skittish on starting something new. She may have cared for you but been afraid of getting to close. I had someone pull back repeatedly because of damage from past relationships which made her afraid to trust her own feelings. And if someone disappears, it may not have anything to do with the relationship at all. Life can throw all kinds of unexpected chaos at us. Maybe something came up?

Hopefully you were able to get in touch and she explained herself. But if you didn't, follow your gut. If you want to reach out and ask what happened, do so. If you are okay letting things go, do so. Realize that you probably did nothing wrong and that sometimes life just has other plans for us then the ones we thought we had.

Hi there, so I ended up reaching back out to see what happened.  Apparently she said it began with some silly argument that we got into after one of the first few times  and it went downhill from there.  What's confusing to me is that after that argument we patched it up that night and she stayed the night and she even the next day messaged me worried that I wasn't interested in her anymore.  I didn't think it was that big of a deal. And I've reached out to apologize and try to see if we can talk it out and start fresh(even though I believe I was mostly in the right in terms of what the argument was about). But things never were the same after that. And when I've asked to hang since she said yeah we can do that and see how the vibe is. Then things seem fine but then eventually she stops responding.  So idk I guess I should probably just let it go. Who knows where it would've went I wasn't in a hurry to get into anything but we definitely had a great time when we hung out so it's more just kind of a "what if" thing and me beating myself up for whatever I did. Maybe it's just an ego thing who knows. But now that I've tried at least she knows where I stand so the balls in her court.  Me trying even further is just going to make her think I'm going to just keep hanging around and trying even when she doesn't give me much in return. If that makes sense.  So I should probably just move forward and say no more correct?

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Hello123321 said:

So I should probably just move forward and say no more correct?

Exactly. 

She has let it fizzle. Take that hint and move along. This one is a dead-end 

[TeeDee]

9 minutes ago, Hello123321 said:

 So I should probably just move forward and say no more correct?

Definitely move forward.  Do not "say" no more contact.  Simply ghost her back without the announcement.  If she reaches out, respond or don't.  Your choice but don't initiate. 

[yogacat]

Her comments and behavior is all over the map.

If I had to hazard a guess I would say it sounds like you might have one savior-seeking lady on your hands… you see ever savior-wanting female has a secret fantasy that one day, Mr. DreamGuy will come into her life, be totally enchanted with her, rescue her from her demons and heal her forever, promising her a future.

Even if you really like her, let it go.

People are definitely allowed to move on and do as they please, but these actions give you an idea about the person you’re speaking to. It is a good thing that you noticed it after only a few meetings, otherwise you would have been more invested, and this would leave you more upset and disappointed than you are now. 

She may indeed be busy but man, what a flake. She created the whole excitement and anxiety out of the blue, no reason for it and damaged you in the process. While it is a jerk move/immature/not cool, it is a regular thing within human interaction, as we can be confused creatures.

No matter what the “reason” is...she is grieving over her last relationship, even though she is bothering to be on online dating sites etc. It’s like going fishing with no bait. They are just bouncing or deflecting and will not be present in the moment.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/13/2024 at 10:50 AM, Hello123321 said:

She did mention to me that she got out of a
serious 4 year relationship 4 months ago and that he was abusive in certain
ways, and also that she has depression so I was the first guy she's really
wanted to start hanging out with multiple times since her relationship.

First off I am sorry you got ghosted however I honestly don't think the reason has anything to do with you.  Based on ^^, she's not healed.   She is mourning the end of her previous relationship and depressed because of it.

I would also caution you and any man to be very leery when a new women you just started dating tells you she is recently out of a long term abusive relationship.

The dynamics of long term abusive relationships are quite complex and in some or even many cases, try as she might to want to like you in all the right ways, she feels more comfortable with the chaos of that abusive relationship otherwise it would not have lasted four years. 

While at the same time, struggling within herself to extricate herself from it and her abusive ex.  I speak from experience when saying this.

Her telling you how much she liked you within TWO WEEKS is indicative of that.  IMO she wanted to like you, she told herself she liked you and tried to convince herself she liked you hoping by telling you, the words would match the feelings.

Clearly they never did and it would not surprise me if she was back with her ex or at least considering it.

I know it's hard to not take personally but honestly, she sounds extremely unstable, her emotions are all over the place and imo she's not healed from her ex and it will be long time before she is and able to enter into a loving stable relationship with a man who truly cares for her.

 

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Hello123321 said:

Then things seem fine but then eventually she stops responding.

The pattern is repeating, just as could be predicted. Recent past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior. In your shoes, I'd close the door by blocking. Why be interrupted in your closure months from now when she's just wanting a little male attention and throws you a breadcrumb? Free your time and energy to find someone who equals your efforts.

[ShySoul]

On 6/27/2024 at 12:11 PM, Hello123321 said:

What's confusing to me is that after that argument we patched it up that night and she stayed the night and she even the next day messaged me worried that I wasn't interested in her anymore.

She did that because she does care about you. There was a connection and she didn't want to hurt you or lose you, especially over something small and silly. But she hasn't resolved her past yet.That has left her torn and confused on what she wants. On one hand, she sees the potential with you, sees you as the good guy who won't hurt her and who she can trust to open herself to. On the other hand, her past has taught her to not trust or get to close because it will only end badly. So she lets her heart lead her close to you, only to pull away out of fear. 

Someone like that acutualy does need someone who will be steady, who will be willing to ride out the waves and still be there for them when they try to run. You can still do it while being firm and also respecting yourself, telling them when their before is unjustified. I did just that with someone who behaved similarly. And we both came out of the experience better and with some good times and memories.

Do what you feel you can handle. If you don't believe you can deal with the uncertainty, then leave it alone so that both of you can be with ones will provide you with what you are looking for. But if do truly think there could be something there, leave the door open. Don't keep score or track of whose ball in in which court. Just let her know you're there for her, no pressure. Be a friend, through thick and thin. That reassurance can be enough to help them deal with their own issues and allow them to heal faster to the point they are ready for a commitment.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/27/2024 at 2:12 PM, Andrina said:

The pattern is repeating, just as could be predicted. Recent past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior. In your shoes, I'd close the door by blocking. Why be interrupted in your closure months from now when she's just wanting a little male attention and throws you a breadcrumb? Free your time and energy to find someone who equals your efforts.

This^!  100%  

Love yourself first, respect yourself first. 

We were not placed on this earth to be martyrs tolerating piss poor treatment by others and wasting time attempting to analyze it. 

Choose to walk away.

IF she cares about you (massive IF imo) she knows where to find you.

When you respect and love yourself first which includes walking away from flakes, ghosters and other such disrespectful treatment, people will be more inclined to respect you too and NOT treat you that way. 

Not always of course but trying to be this girl's "friend" given her poor treatment of you is very bad advice imo and many others.