Guilt after standing up for myself

[CrazyWife]

I have written about issues I have had before about standing up for myself and have made some progress. I had a work colleague try to bully me and I actually took him aside to speak to him about work issues where I wouldn't have done so like last year. 

Well we have this loud mouthed coworker who is just rude and acts like she is a manager. She made a snide comment and I asked her if she was talking to me. She said yes and I said "well sorry boss etc..." and she replied and I again said well sorry boss but no". All the while the colleague I had issues with before was laughing quietly (they are pals and yes act like children). I just walked out the office and went home as it was time for me to leave. 

I am fed up with the way she talks to me and undermines me. I admit being sarcastic didn't help but I kinda just snapped. I don't feel bad if I pissed her off but worried how I looked to everyone in the office. I'm not used to standing up for myself and was actually tearful on the way home. I feel upset by the situation and not sure where to go from here. 

I keep thinking that I have difficulty standing up for myself as I had an abusive mother and was bullied as a child as well as been in an abusive relationship. 

Personally I think I should be proud that I did stand up to her as why should I be undermined at work and have someone act like my manager. My manager has noticed that my assertiveness and confidence has grown a lot. I said no to these colleagues and they didn't like it. 

I just hate confrontation and always feel I am in the wrong. How to fix this mindset? 

[Cherylyn]

It would be safer for you to have protection meaning request your manager to have a meeting with the four of you.  The meeting would include the manager,  you and your two abusive co-workers.  Address the rudeness and disrespect such as snide comments,  laughing / snickering quietly and other issues or complaints of yours. 

Whenever you have the manager informed and aware of your toxic work environment,  usually employees tend to behave better because they don't like this type of negative attention impacting their job security.  Be shrewd.  Either apologies and corrections will be made in order for you to have a satisfactory work environment or the manager will enforce disciplinary actions against your troublemakers.  Handle this situation in a professional manner for effective results in your favor.  If you are frustrated by your manager's inability to resolve this case,  go up the chain of command or HR (human resources).  Squeaky wheel gets the grease. 😉

[CrazyWife]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It would be safer for you to have protection meaning request your manager to have a meeting with the four of you.  The meeting would include the manager,  you and your two abusive co-workers.  Address the rudeness and disrespect such as snide comments,  laughing / snickering quietly and other issues or complaints of yours. 

Whenever you have the manager informed and aware of your toxic work environment,  usually employees tend to behave better because they don't like this type of negative attention impacting their job security.  Be shrewd.  Either apologies and corrections will be made in order for you to have a satisfactory work environment or the manager will enforce disciplinary actions against your troublemakers.  Handle this situation in a professional manner for effective results in your favor.  If you are frustrated by your manager's inability to resolve this case,  go up the chain of command or HR (human resources).  Squeaky wheel gets the grease. 😉

But to rely on management to deal with it? Shouldn't I be dealing with them myself? It just seems like I am a child running to my manager about things. 

[TeeDee]

I think you handled it with humor but enforced your boundaries.  Change your self talk.  Rather than being upset, tell yourself that you should be proud. 

[CrazyWife]

6 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I think you handled it with humor but enforced your boundaries.  Change your self talk.  Rather than being upset, tell yourself that you should be proud. 

My husband is telling me to be proud of myself but I am sitting here ruminating over it. I think a lot of trauma has caused me to feel guilty when reinforcing my boundaries. I have like work counselling sessions with a higher up manager coming up this week and thinking of discussing it then. 

[lostandhurt]

First off good on you!  That was a perfect response to her assertions.  Keep that up and she will fade away.

  Managers are not around all the time and going to them for this would probably just increase it.  I am not saying it is okay but you need to remember we teach others how to treat us and you did a great job of teaching both of them that day.

 I expected my people to take care of their own personal issues themselves and if they felt like it was not getting anywhere I would step in.  They did not want me stepping in trust me.  I am pretty good with confrontations and handle them well but I do not like them at all so you are not alone there.

 I don't know if you are proud of the way you handled that but I am proud of you.  No matter where you go or where you work there will always be someone that thinks they are in charge when they are not.  Putting them in their place like you did teaches them that they are no better than you.

Feel good about what you did and keep it up, I love it when a blow hard gets shot down like that!

Lost

[lostandhurt]

10 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

manager coming up this week and thinking of discussing it then. 

Here is a little secret I used to use a lot.  It is a way of putting thoughts in their heads without you actually making a complaint.  Try this:  "Hey Manager, I need some advice (makes them feel superior) the other day _______ came up to me talking to me like she is my manage so I told her "I said well sorry boss but no" then I had to repeat myself when she tried again.  Do you think that is the best way to handle that situation?"

This does two things.  One it puts the thought in the managers head that she thinks she is the boss when he is the one running the show.  Second it will tune his radar towards her and he will start looking for her acting this way.  The best part of all this is that you asked for advice, not for him to fix it for you or file a complaint because he really does not want to deal with that.

 Listen carefully to his advice and if he asks you if you want to make a formal complaint just tell him "No, I think I can handle it but if I need you I was will not hesitate to let you know."

 I used this for years to steer management in the direction I wanted them to go.  They always thought it was their idea. 😉

Lost

[catfeeder]

You did great! If you're worried about a continuation of the behavior, have a plan 'B' in mind. It could be raising with the coworker that if she has a complaint about you or your work, you're willing to set up a meeting with management for the two of you to resolve it with them.

[Coily]

You did great!

Personally i wouldn't bring this to the attention of a manager at this point, outside of what Lost mentioned. Let these co-workers dig their own professional graves.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

52 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

But to rely on management to deal with it? Shouldn't I be dealing with them myself? It just seems like I am a child running to my manager about things. 

No, don't deal with it by yourself.  Getting a third party involved ensures your protection and safety.  1:1 confrontations or 1:2 confrontations including the colleague who quietly laughs,  will not be advantageous to you.  A manager's job is to ensure the colleagues function professionally and contently.  Whenever there's discord,  it should be addressed and resolved in a timely manner. 

Even though it is perceived as a child running to the manager about things, do it because this is the way to force colleagues to behave themselves.  When you call out their intolerable and unacceptable behavior to management or HR (human resources),  they either shape up or ship out. 

[CrazyWife]

54 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

First off good on you!  That was a perfect response to her assertions.  Keep that up and she will fade away.

  Managers are not around all the time and going to them for this would probably just increase it.  I am not saying it is okay but you need to remember we teach others how to treat us and you did a great job of teaching both of them that day.

 I expected my people to take care of their own personal issues themselves and if they felt like it was not getting anywhere I would step in.  They did not want me stepping in trust me.  I am pretty good with confrontations and handle them well but I do not like them at all so you are not alone there.

 I don't know if you are proud of the way you handled that but I am proud of you.  No matter where you go or where you work there will always be someone that thinks they are in charge when they are not.  Putting them in their place like you did teaches them that they are no better than you.

Feel good about what you did and keep it up, I love it when a blow hard gets shot down like that!

Lost

Thank you so much and I will certainly keep a log of their behaviours from now on. I just got so fed up of her and her loud mouth. 

[CrazyWife]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You did great! If you're worried about a continuation of the behavior, have a plan 'B' in mind. It could be raising with the coworker that if she has a complaint about you or your work, you're willing to set up a meeting with management for the two of you to resolve it with them.

Thank you and that is a response I will keep in mind. 

[Cherylyn]

If you can resolve any conflict yourself,  then great.  However, if intolerable and unacceptable behavior resumes,  then management or HR should step in and ensure a peaceful working environment. 

[CrazyWife]

22 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

No, don't deal with it by yourself.  Getting a third party involved ensures your protection and safety.  1:1 confrontations or 1:2 confrontations including the colleague who quietly laughs,  will not be advantageous to you.  A manager's job is to ensure the colleagues function professionally and contently.  Whenever there's discord,  it should be addressed and resolved in a timely manner. 

Even though it is perceived as a child running to the manager about things, do it because this is the way to force colleagues to behave themselves.  When you call out their intolerable and unacceptable behavior to management or HR (human resources),  they either shape up or ship out. 

Maybe something I will consider. I just sometimes feel that it may not have benefits running to a manager straight away. I have monthly counselling type meetings with a higher up manager in a couple of days so may bring it to her attention as I trust her judgement. 

[CrazyWife]

47 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Here is a little secret I used to use a lot.  It is a way of putting thoughts in their heads without you actually making a complaint.  Try this:  "Hey Manager, I need some advice (makes them feel superior) the other day _______ came up to me talking to me like she is my manage so I told her "I said well sorry boss but no" then I had to repeat myself when she tried again.  Do you think that is the best way to handle that situation?"

This does two things.  One it puts the thought in the managers head that she thinks she is the boss when he is the one running the show.  Second it will tune his radar towards her and he will start looking for her acting this way.  The best part of all this is that you asked for advice, not for him to fix it for you or file a complaint because he really does not want to deal with that.

 Listen carefully to his advice and if he asks you if you want to make a formal complaint just tell him "No, I think I can handle it but if I need you I was will not hesitate to let you know."

 I used this for years to steer management in the direction I wanted them to go.  They always thought it was their idea. 😉

Lost

Brilliant idea 😄

[Cherylyn]

23 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

Maybe something I will consider. I just sometimes feel that it may not have benefits running to a manager straight away. I have monthly counselling type meetings with a higher up manager in a couple of days so may bring it to her attention as I trust her judgement. 

Do what suits your best interests. 

I don't enjoy confrontation either. I was bullied as a child,  bullied and harassed at the workplace. 

There are times when you have to put people back into their place in order to let them know to back off.  They won't mess with you anymore.  However,  if there's only a temporary pause and they resume bullying you again,  management or HR should step in on your behalf otherwise earning a paycheck is more miserable than it has to be.  😒 

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, CrazyWife said:

I have like work counselling sessions with a higher up manager coming up this week and thinking of discussing it then. 

I wouldn't.  Your manager wants to talk about ways you can make the company more money.  This person doesn't want to talk about interpersonal dynamics.   This counseling session is not therapy.   You need to always present your best most confident self to the boss. 

[CrazyWife]

Just now, TeeDee said:

I wouldn't.  Your manager wants to talk about ways you can make the company more money.  This person doesn't want to talk about interpersonal dynamics.   This counseling session is not therapy.   You need to always present your best most confident self to the boss. 

It's a hospital so not sure if it is about making money. This manager knows about the conflict I have had with this loud mouthed cow before. I should maybe just confidently say I had this conflict and look at different ways to handle such conflicts in future? 

[CrazyWife]

But this whole thing is weird. I stand up for myself but still feel like crap and when I ignore it and do nothing, I still feel like crap. 

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't be vague regarding the use of the word "conflict."  With your manager or HR, be specific.  Explain articulately what was said to you and the other co-worker laughing quietly was inappropriate as well.  These ongoing jabs to you create a toxic work environment.  Usually a hospital has dealt with employee frictions.  You are no exception. 

While it's good of you to speak up to your bullies,  often times,  it's more effective to call attention to this form of harassment and bullying to the authorities.  Once authorities are involved,  usually the perpetrators will leave you alone and behave themselves because they certainly do not wish to jeopardize their employment. 

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  my husband or I involved the authorities whether it was management,  HR or the police.  The result?  There was immediate correction and no more disturbances whatsoever. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Keep in mind that the way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. 

As long as you stand up for yourself in a polite and firm way, they'll eventually get the message that they can't knock you down. 

For what it's worth, don't allow yourself to stoop to their level, as that's their goal.

[lostandhurt]

7 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

But this whole thing is weird. I stand up for myself but still feel like crap and when I ignore it and do nothing, I still feel like crap. 

You should feel good that you stood up for yourself but you shouldn't feel good about the fact that you HAD to stand up for yourself.  Unfortunately in life unpleasant things need to be said and done and this was one of those times.  I know this is way out of your comfort zone but you did great.

 Bullies and jerks seem to be able to spot the least likely to fight back and move in for the kill so to speak.  You took the first step in showing them you are no longer an easy mark.

  This is a learned thing and considering your past you are doing very well.

Lost

PS Hospitals are the worst for this type of stuff.

[TeeDee]

19 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

It's a hospital so not sure if it is about making money. This manager knows about the conflict I have had with this loud mouthed cow before. I should maybe just confidently say I had this conflict and look at different ways to handle such conflicts in future? 

Hospitals are for profit.  Boss wants to know how to make patient care more efficient & how everybody will reduce costs (use fewer supplies etc.)  

Asking about better ways to handle problem employees is fine.