Batya33 Posted June 18 Share Posted June 18 3 hours ago, RiffGood said: Yeah but I'm that person who you can see by just a look what's happening. I could not react but if he will poke me or flirt with me I'm that type of person who react. I know myself, that's the mess. If he does that step away -keep distance -if he flirts then walk away/change the topic. If your face reveals emotions (and you should work on this and obviously you do if you're a musician and need to interact with the public/audiences/potential managers or others) that's fine - many people have approachable faces. Doesn't mean that you then have to express any emotions to this person in words or by touching the person. You're coming up with excuses of "I can't" when -obviously you can -you just want to do what's easier and let it all hang out. In many situations we have to choose not to overshare/not to let it all hang out for health reasons, job reasons, common sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffGood Posted June 18 Author Share Posted June 18 Some suggestions? I mean if I'm in front of the mirror what I can do? I really need a quick lesson how to manage my feelings... as weird as it seems, it was never need before. It was what made me what I'm now. But actually I need to control myself... I don't know how! And they are calling me excited for this tour, he is avoiding me then when we are in the small kitchen near our garage he is weird like flirting and I don't even watch him so he get mad and angry and he start to have a passive aggressive behavior. And is difficult stay calm, really, is difficult but I do. But when we come back they watch as weird, like they see something but they don't say a word. He is the one able to hide this, I don't and he looks me half angry for this but I don't know how to help since I'm doing nothing. So we start to do our musical stuffs, everything is fine. Something like 3 hours of just music. Then during the live everything is so powerful and we are a wonderful ecosystem where I feel like we can be together as lovers and they are accepting us. Then it end and he flirt with me if nobody is around or ignore me if they are around. Then again I can ignore him, we aren't doing live right now. But I'm not able to hide and I don't have issues with him but with the other members. I don't want ruin their tour. That's the first real big one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 18 Share Posted June 18 You cannot hide feelings or not feel feelings. You can choose a reaction. If he flirts with you you can respond in a neutral way or change the subject. If he acts in a disrespectful way or passive aggressive simply walk away or limit interactions to what is needed for the tour. The more you practice managing your reactions -not your feelings -the easier it will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffGood Posted June 18 Author Share Posted June 18 I'm doing it but the results is even worse... now I noticed I pictured him as moster. He isn't. Most of the time he is the most respectful and altruistic person in the world. But with me he isn't. The difference between how he is with me and with the others is the thing makes this so evident. It would be easier if he would be like that always... he isn't. Most of the time he is easygoing but introvert, altruistic and joyful. Only when he is with me is passive aggressive and I'm avoiding him. I don't want to change band, this band is like a second family (my family is my main band). That's the problem, you see? I'm avoiding him, being neutral, rejecting friendly his avances but that's the result. If I'm avoiding him when we are alone he is passive aggressive, if I'm approaching to him in public he is passive aggressive... I'm doing it since there's the other members and that's the result. They are noticing it and they are giving me the fault since I'm the one who hide it worse. But sometimes look at him bad too, more and more. That's the thing is harder for me... I don't know how to manage whole of this. One side the band that's a family and we go well along, other side him with his passive aggressive behavior. Then my love for him, I know sounds weird but it would be ok if we would be together... then I realize what I'm thinking and I'm calling myself stupid for thinking this. I just hop this will end in some good way... not catastrophic because as it is it looks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffGood Posted June 18 Author Share Posted June 18 I don't know how to manage this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 12 hours ago, RiffGood said: I don't know how to manage this. It's like any work environment where there may be friction/tension with a coworker but the benefits of staying in the job outweigh the downsides. I've given you all the suggestions I have. Totally fine if you want to keep going back to "I can't" or "I don't know how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffGood Posted June 19 Author Share Posted June 19 I don't know what to do... your suggestions would work if I would be different. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm doing what you say. But the problem isn't mine. Today he said to me "if you keep going to avoid me I will be mad". I'm doing what you suggest but doing he is getting worse. That's the problem. I'm quite, I'm doing "poker face"... he thinks I'm insulting him. I don't even spend time with him. If I spend time is literally the time in the kitchen and only for the microwave. After that small time I go out for eating or drinking where the other members are. So, no... I'm literally doing what you suggest and he is literally getting angry. The problem, I hate this, I fell happy since means he wants me. I'm broken! But I'm doing what you suggest. We are spending literally 5 minutes per day together. But when I'm with the others I need to be friendly with him! So, this is gonna to be a huge mess... more I'm doing what you suggest more he is getting passive aggressive. And I cannot help here, if I do something I would ruin our band. But I'm exactly doing what you suggest. And more he is a jerk more I like him. And more I feel bad doing this but more I understand I need to do this and more he is a jerk. I'm running in a circle... but I'm following your suggestions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 You can only control you. I would say to him "I think it's best for the band if you and I keep things professional only for now. I am sorry you feel angry or frustrated. I hope we can work together amicably." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffGood Posted June 20 Author Share Posted June 20 but he would get even more angry... here i need help. i know sounds absurd but here isn't something i control. it's frustrating since i'm controlling myself. thirty minutes ago he said something weird "you need to stop to act so weird". i was doing NOTHING. not starring him, nothing and nothing. im wondering this "acting weird" what is! i was randomly talking with a friend of my who was joining and listening us, a completely normal person and everyone was ok with that... except him! everytime we were speak he was gonna to stop me and telling me to stay focused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 1 hour ago, RiffGood said: but he would get even more angry... here i need help. i know sounds absurd but here isn't something i control. it's frustrating since i'm controlling myself. thirty minutes ago he said something weird "you need to stop to act so weird". i was doing NOTHING. not starring him, nothing and nothing. im wondering this "acting weird" what is! i was randomly talking with a friend of my who was joining and listening us, a completely normal person and everyone was ok with that... except him! everytime we were speak he was gonna to stop me and telling me to stay focused. Good luck. I can't provide any more assistance. What I wrote directly deals with your latest complaint. I do recommend books by Dr. Phil and also Martha Beck -they write on communication skills of the sort you are referring to. To add -I think there are upsides to being the sort of person who wears their heart on their sleeve, is very open and there are also incredible downsides inlcuding telling yourself you "can't" change and lauding yourself for being so "honest" -it's not about being honest -you choose to be open kind of let it all hang out, you don't want to work on proper boundaries with people, and you tell yourself you cannot be politely assertive, be direct, be firm - because it's hard work and requires practice. I've offered all the input I can and you are getting in your own way for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffGood Posted June 20 Author Share Posted June 20 4 hours ago, Batya33 said: Good luck. I can't provide any more assistance. What I wrote directly deals with your latest complaint. I do recommend books by Dr. Phil and also Martha Beck -they write on communication skills of the sort you are referring to. To add -I think there are upsides to being the sort of person who wears their heart on their sleeve, is very open and there are also incredible downsides inlcuding telling yourself you "can't" change and lauding yourself for being so "honest" -it's not about being honest -you choose to be open kind of let it all hang out, you don't want to work on proper boundaries with people, and you tell yourself you cannot be politely assertive, be direct, be firm - because it's hard work and requires practice. I've offered all the input I can and you are getting in your own way for sure. I don't understand your harsh comment... I'm doing what you suggest then you are saying I'm the problem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffGood Posted June 20 Author Share Posted June 20 I'm not the problem, he's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 11 minutes ago, RiffGood said: I'm not the problem, he's But he is who he is. You are the one asking for advice. You can't change him. All you have control over is how you react to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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