Uneasy Encounters With Strangers

[yogacat]

I just had the weirdest experience.

I was outside sitting on my sister's porch late at night.

She lives in a very upscale neighborhood on the West Coast and there are a lot of residents out walking at night and during the daytime.

There was a car across the street double parked with his hazzards on and it belonged to a man that kept waving at me. I tried to ignore him but he crossed the street and approached me. He proceeds to get very close to me and show me his phone that had a text message that read "I just had to come over here and meet you."

I became very alarmed and uncomfortable and said to him "you are making me very uncomfortable, can you please get out of my personal space." He proceeded to walk back to his vehicle and sit in it for a few minutes. He then kept staring at me and waving through his car window. I felt extremely uneasy and decided to go inside.

I felt so unsafe and it was one of the eeriest experiences I've ever had. I couldn't shake the feeling of being watched and followed. 

This is where I struggle because while I felt bad for being so abrupt with him, I also had to trust my instincts and prioritize my safety. 

It's like, we are conditioned to be polite and not make a scene, and maybe he just wanted to talk, but something about him and the situation made me feel uneasy. 

Do you ever feel torn between being polite and prioritizing your own well-being? It's such a difficult balance to find.

[Batya33]

I am not conditioned to be polite when confronted in that way.  I'm conditioned to be safe.  I'm glad you told him to go away and I might have called 911 if he kept doing what he did.

This past December my son and husband and I arrived at our home airport after a long trip with lots of luggage in the evening. It was dark. We called for an uber but it was going to take awhile.  We waited outside.  A tall, large man approached me to see if we needed a car service. What he was doing is illegal.  He asked politely enough but was very very close to my body.  The problem was that with all my luggage and my husband behind all our luggage I knew I couldn't run or get to safety if needed.  And my teenage son was there too. 

So I said abruptly "no and please step away" -he muttered something and did - he reacted to my tone for sure -I was all business. 

My son was upset with me for being impolite and apparently my husband saw the interaction but with all the noise I didn't hear him say no or be ready to intervene if needed.  My son said the man was polite.  I said to him - I am a petite woman and he is a large man and if he persisted I'd have little way to get away from him with all the luggage plus you're my child and I am Mama Bear when there is any safety issue. Plus he knows he is not permitted to solicit rides at the airport and he got very very close to me.  I wear a crossbody purse and he could have yanked it from me easily.  Or tried to get in my son's face.  I told my son about all the times I'd been a crime victim and was so glad he had not.

My son did not agree.  I ended up taking my really heavy luggage and going to the train station at the airport -I was so upset at the whole thing.  A couple of weeks later there was news about the airport again cracking down on these illegal solicitations and I showed my son.  He started to understand.

When my son was around 6 or 7 we were at our local Farmers Market- there was a stand set up in the kids play area for kids to do some crafting/learn about gardening.  I sat right nearby.  He went to the table with the other kids.  The assistant at the table said to my son -I could hear "hey do you want to come with me over there (several feet away) to look at [whatever, some flowers or collect leaves].  I watched and waited. He said - because we'd watched John Walsh videos over and over -"ok but I have to ask my mom." 

This woman never asked him to ask his mom, never looked around to see if he was with an adult -I was within hearing distance.  I was so proud of him for doing this. Whenever I've been in any situation with a child where I need to interact with the child personally or the child wants to come with me and my son a distance away I absolutely always ask where the caregiver is.  

I then contacted the owner and advised her that I was really concerned with how her assistant had tried to get my son to come with her a distance away without checking with his adult.  I was "polite" but no I was not going to let this go.  She apologized profusely -as she should.  I don't give a darn about being polite - you invade my space or try to get my child to go somewhere with you -safety is priority/polite is out the window.  Polite - as in civil -I wouldn't have shouted etc but you can bet when I did let my son go with her I gave her a look like "see- he knows better".

[mylolita]

Afternoon @yogacat!

 

Oh God - disturbing! You did the right thing! Always trust your instinct! Politeness can go to hell! 
 

I have to say about 6 months ago I was put in a similar situation where I had to forget myself to do the right thing!

 

I was with the kids in a very busy shopping centre (normally avoid them!). The husband had said he needed to nip into a shop on another floor so he goes and I’m watching the babes, feeding coins into a car ride and pretending to pop up at them from the side, have them nearly run me over… Y’know… 🥲🤣

 

Anyway, I can hear a man shouting from the floor above. Everyone is stopping and turning to the noise. He comes running full pelt down the escalator. He’s Asian - Muslim or Arabic - his English is poor but he’s calling out a boys name. I immediately guess as everyone probably does that he’s lost his son. I look towards the exit - to try and see if a boy is there and also for a security guard. No one! Everyone is staring at him in silence!!! My heart starts pounding.

 

I call to him as he’s turning round and round - “How old is your son?”

 

Everyone is staring at us, doing nothing! He is panicking wildly and he says four. I then say; “What is he wearing?” And he says a blue coat. And then I finally say “What colour is his hair?” And he struggles with language but gets out “Brown hair” along with something else I couldn’t make out. And I can feel my cheeks go red as I shout at the top of my lungs to the whole shopping centre “THERE IS A FOUR YEAR OLD BOY LOST WEARING A BLUE COAT AND BROWN HAIR!” 
 

I look all around me and everyone is just staring. I see what also must be his wife dragging a little girl and shouting his name too on a landing above. I then say “EVERYONE CALL IT OUT TO THE OTHER PEOPLE HELP HIM FIND HIS BOY” 

 

I look at my kids and they are bug eyed at me! 
 

Then suddenly I can hear people start to call it out “Have you seen a four year old boy in a blue coat he’s missing!” And it’s getting repeated up the rafters then the Dad rushes away from me and I can hear him say “Thank you thank you” and his mum cuddles him. They come down the escalator and he takes both my hands and says “thank you” then something about God bless and Allah. Everyone is still looking at me but after a few minutes they go about their shopping. 
 

I’m shaking with adrenaline and fighting back a lump in my throat and trying not to cry! No one was going to do anything, or it felt that way! My mind raced to all kinds of bad scenarios! 
 

Then D comes sauntering up with two shopping bags. He says, “You okay?” And I say “A man lost his boy but he found him” and he goes “Oh no! Well that’s good.” 
 

On the drive back home I’m still shaking. I read years back of a time on a British beach where a kid was lost and there happened to be someone from the military who helped find the kid using that same shout method. Anyone trying to take a kid - it causes too much attention and makes everyone look in a joint effort - that’s the idea anyway. I couldn’t stop thinking about the article I read so many years ago. 
 

I felt embarrassed, socially, at my panic. But I was glad I reacted how I did. He would have been fine, but I couldn’t just stand and do nothing like so many others. My next resort was going to be running to the security office with my three kids in tow whilst also calling the police for extra caution but I was so relieved it never got to that! 
 

You hear about missing kids, busy shopping centre abductions and it puts the fear into you! 
 

You did the right thing! As impolite as you felt! He was being impolite.

 

x

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

You did the right thing! As impolite as you felt! He was being impolite.

Very good point.

I have an inkling though that he was not concerned with being impolite. I feel it was more an issue of safety.

It was like he was trying to get me to come close enough to look at his phone so he could get within my personal space so that I wouldn't be able to see what else he was doing. Now this may simply be my assumption but it seems a reasonable one; at least to me.

We often want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I wondered if maybe he was lost and needed directions or something and tried to get his phone to translate for him and show me (he initially appeared not to speak English) but when I said "you are making me very uncomfortable, please back away from my personal space" he backed off so I knew he must have spoken/understood English. 

Once he got that close to me where his face was literally a few inches from my face that's when my 'fight or flight sensor' kicked-in LOUDLY. 

[ShySoul]

I seem to be the guy that random strangers ask for help. Just this week a lost woman stopped me and asked to help her find the apartment she was looking for. Most of the time they are polite and grateful. But occasionaly it gets uncomfortable. I've been yelled at for not being able to assist or for no reason at all. I've had someone standing inappropriately close to me on a bus. And I've seen a guy touching himself at the bus stop. In those cases, forget being polite. If you feel uncomfortable, trust your instinct. They are the rude ones, so do what you have to do to remove yourself  Safety comes first.