I'm scared that this relationship is bound for failure.

[girly32]

Hi :),
I am currently a high school junior, dating a high school senior who is about to graduate. 

We have very clear communication, he is going to college about half an hour away, and we have set up boundaries to ensure that we are both comfortable once he goes to college. We also talked about the future with each other to see how our goals aligned, finding that we both mutually want the same end goal and currently have the same fundamental beliefs in how to approach life. Although some things will change and we have mutually accepted that the change is inevitable, we made it clear how we wanted to stay with each other actively throughout the life changes. Additionally, we made it a point to make sure that we were both separate people within our relationship. Both of us are busy during the day with different competitions, but we reconcile at night and converse about the events of our day, our feelings, etc. We wanted to do this to allow for growth between the two of us.

My main concern is that we are high schoolers. I have always been told I have had a strong sense of self, being able to understand who I am, what my goals were, and how to approach my various emotions. I am concerned because I understand that it may not necessarily be the same for him. He is much more uncertain about the future, only really knowing that he wants to end up with me at the end of the day. I question if our dating would hinder his growth and if we should remain only friends until our paths happen to collide one day. I want him, above all, to be able to grow into the person he wants to be and to learn more about himself, even if that means that it will hurt.

I am conflicted because I want to end up with him too. We both compete, and I have competed a lot internationally, meeting a lot of guys who have so many different traits present. These events would have tens of thousands of different people, ranging from academic maniacs to party guys. He isn't the smartest, prettiest, kindest, or most honest guy I know, but I would choose him over all of them because I genuinely believe I thoroughly love him. This crush isn't something like my other crushes, I feel a genuine sense of peace around him that I never was able to fathom with my other crushes. It feels almost natural to like him and to love him, as if I had been doing these things with him for years earlier. This feeling is a mutually felt emotion between the two of us. I can't even tell you my favorite trait about him, because I truly adore all of him with all of his flaws, helping him change traits if he wants to change it.

Rationally speaking, I can't tell if I am setting myself to failure if I decide to keep pursuing this relationship. I know highschool relationships are statistically difficult to have last, and I wish I could have met him later for this reason. I think if I met him in my late 20s or 30s, we would have automatically said yes and jumped to marry in a few years or so. He is deeply troubled by the fact that this relationship might not last, crying about the situation himself. I do not know that if I decide to break up with him, if I am unnessarily punishing him because I am too afraid to get hurt or to hold him back. If I don't decide to leave, how do I make this relationship last? How do I know if I am being irrational about my hopes?

 

Thank you for reading and any potential advice you may provide.

[Batya33]

You haven't said how long you have been dating -that certainly is a factor.

I didn't marry my HS sweetheart -he was a year older than me and we sort of stayed together through his freshman year -he went to college far away.  At the end of that year we officially broke up.  But our 3 years together were great!  My mom married her HS sweetheart as did  my best friend in HS and they married in the late 80s.  One of my relatives married her husband when they were both teenagers and now they're late 20s/30 with 3 kids and happy.

I think you're focusing way too much on statistics. I beat the odds- I started dating my future husband the second time around (broke up years earlier) when we were in our late 30s -and we became married parents at age 42.  We're 57 now.  Oh and we were long distance this second time around for about half the time before we got engaged and even had somewhat of a commuter marriage for awhile as newlyweds and new parents -all stuff that's supposed to be risky to a marriage.

Focus on your individual situation -head and heart.  He's only a half hour away at college so  you can date regularly. Would you be open to being allowed to date others?

You seem to use a lot of big fancy words when a lot of it is basic common sense.  Of course  you're separate people.  Of course you have friends/activities/sports outside of each other.  That's just typical and basic.  It's good you have stuff in common and common goals.

There are no guarantees in any relationship - you decide if the risks outweigh the benefits.  And using fancy terminology makes it harder to make that decision.  It's head and heart -you have strong feelings for him, you have a lot in common -why not see how it goes this year? Relationships that are "doomed to failure" are typically those where there is a divergence of goals and values (see I can use big words  too lol), or where one person is not yet divorced or where there is no chemistry.  You're harping on your ages and stages in life -but plenty of couples who meet in HS are one year apart so inevitably- one person is gonna go to college.  And he'll be really close by for now.  If you decide to go to a far away college in a year from now -then you'll figure it out then.  Are you going to do that? Of course you should go to the best college for you and no I wouldn't give that up just to be closer, all else equal.  But you have time for that. Why not chill a bit and have fun and enjoy this lovely relationship?

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, girly32 said:

I want him, above all, to be able to grow into the person he wants to be and to learn more about himself, even if that means that it will hurt.

What I am reading here is that you are unsure if he is right for you, but you are having trouble admitting this to yourself.

It is normal to have doubts and uncertainties, but it is also important to be honest with ourselves when we don't see a future with the other person. 

[ShySoul]

All the thoughts and concerns you are having are perfectly reasonable. You are young and both still growing into the people you want to be. Things will change. For most, they want to experience different things and staying with a high school love is difficult. People grow apart. Most at that age also don't know what they want in life so need to go through different experiences to figure it out. 

But that doesn't have to be you.

You're writing shows something most teens and a good number of adults lack... A depth of maturity. The two of you seem to have the skills that matter most in a relationship - communication, genuine love and compassion, wanting the best for the other, retaining a sense of self. These are the things that can make the relationship last no matter what challenges you may face.

If you both love each other, then enjoy that love. Enjoy being together. You can't know what the future will bring, so savour the present and live in the moment. Should something come up, face it together. Odds are you will be able to work through it. And know you aren't hindering his growth. If he is saying he wants to end up with you, then its because you help bring out the best in him. The honest, sincere love of a woman can often bring out the best in a man, help him find things within him he didn't see in himself. I say that from experience.

[ShySoul]

I've also known couples who have been together since late teens/early 20s, got married, and are together 30 or 40 years later. So whatever the odds are, there are people who beat the odds. Maybe it will be the two of you, maybe it wont. But you shouldn't spend you're life worrying about the worse case scenario or backing away because of what might happen. If you feel this strongly for each other, there is a reason. Embrace that reason and embrace that love. Something that strong doesn't come along everyday.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, girly32 said:

we have set up boundaries to ensure that we are both comfortable once he goes to college.

What does this even mean? Would he come home every week? Would you visit him? Hypothetical boundaries dont really mean too much if you dont have a concrete plan of continuing the relationship. 

Also, I am sorry, but high school romances tend to not last. Because once you go to college your life tends to differ from high school. You are out of your parents home probably for the first time so that means unlimited freedom to do anything. Drink, party, anything you want to do. Your life suddenly changes. So with that your priorities change as well and you would maybe want a different kind of life than the one where you would have to wait for your girlfriend to call you since you cant be together at the moment. From all high school romances I know exactly one that survived college experience and where they studies at different cities. And even that one, included her cheating on him from what I know. So yes, there is a good chance that it wont last. Sorry.

[Batya33]

I read the other responses and didn't pick up on that you might just not see him as your person -that you see potential in him but he is not your person. So you're going there with all the analysis/big words to avoid the simple basic stuff.  And you see an out -or "boundaries" since he's going to a new school -but one which is close to you geographically.  

It's fine if you have good caring feelings that he should grow etc- most people do in certain ways in college. But it's not your role to date him so he can do that - certainly people in relationships grow in that way -I am 57 and my husband and I still are - of course! -but don't stay with someone so you can help them "grow" -that's more a parenting role or perhaps if you stay in touch as friends you two can talk about what you're all doing that's new whether activities, clubs, sports and you can sort of cheer him on and encourage him as a friend.  As a partner -only if you respect and admire -and have chemistry with- the person he is right at this moment.  Not so you don't "hurt" him.

[TeeDee]

You are in HS.  He's about to graduate.  This should be a fun summer for you both.  Don't worry about the future right now.  Take the summer as it comes.   Enjoy. 

In the fall when school starts again, see where you are.  If you are still enjoying being together, then stay together.  If it's not something either of you want any more for any reason, break up.  It is possible to break up amicably.  

You are mature enough to recognize that life stage & circumstances play a part.  See what happens.  No need to predict doom & gloom now.  Take it one day at a time. 

 

[smackie9]

You feel the reality of it...we all move on and have other relationships after out first. Life is a crap shoot...things go the way they go...it's just the way it is. Go with the flow...if it works out it works out...if it doesn't it's not the end of the world. 

[Cherylyn]

I hate to burst your bubble but he'll be in college with his new campus life while you're the girl back home still in high school.  Don't be surprised should both of you part ways due to drastic life changes for him and keep in mind,  absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.  To the contrary,  too much absence causes two people to drift apart and become strangers.  It's how life is.

You wrote that he's not the kindest nor most honest guy you know which are red flags.  What you should aim for is the best guy you can be with;  not second best or beneath that.  You should be with the most kindest and honest guy you know;  not a guy who is almost there but not quite.  Be with a man who knows how to be consistently and habitually very kind and honest because those types of men are the most enduring.  Anyone less is risky and don't be surprised if a guy like that doesn't last long term.

Actually,  you'd be setting yourself up for failure had you met him later in your 20s and 30s.  Meeting him now gives you a chance to give yourself a wake up call (personal growth education) and pay attention to stellar character vs. subpar character.  You're young and now is your opportunity learn that not all men are created equal. 

It's the flaws which you need to pay attention to because what seems like tolerable flaws for now,  turns into highlighted,  incurable and worse flaws later down the road.  Love is blind.  At first,  it's easy to overlook flaws.  However,  it's those periodic unkindness and dishonest traits which will become more pronounced and this is not the type of guy whom you want to settle down with.  Pump the brakes on marriage thoughts.  It pays to be very picky and choosy.  I know because I married him.  You'd better shop around. 🙄🫢

[Andrina]

Since you're enjoying each other right now, why not just enjoy this time "as is." Just take one day at a time. Either it will work for eternity or one or both of you will eventually start being unsatisfied. Just set your life up to be fulfilling besides having a boyfriend and you will handle a breakup better than if he is the sole reason for your happiness.

Yes, there is a huge period of growth between the ages of the late teens to the late twenties, so what one's goals and ideas and opinions were at one point might do a 360 later. The human brain isn't fully formed until age 25 in the decision making area of the brain, so sometimes it's best not to make major decisions like marriage until the brain is mature. Of course, that's not a hard and fast rule as I do know of people who married in their early twenties and have had successful marriages.

You've spent huge amounts of brain power to figure everything out with the present and future with this guy. You're very mature, but maybe it's now time to lighten up a bit. You're a teen, which is the time to have fun before you get to the more serious part of adulting, where you'll have more responsibility (when you will no longer live with parents and have to pay rent and all the bills). 

Stop having these ultra serious conversations with your bf. He's even crying for gosh sakes. If anything, that will be the demise of your relationship if your time with him is like you're the life coach instead of having fun with activities with laughter and being silly, etc. 

[ShySoul]

Just because a person goes to college or moves away doesn't mean mean they suddenly become a different person. Who we are at our core remains the same. It doesn't mean they change their priorities or will suddenly go wild. If a person believes strongly enough in something, they will still priotize it. And it doesn't mean the relationship can't be just as strong as ever. We live in a time where people are glued to their phones nonstop. A call, a text, videochats... you can stay in touch at a moments notice. No one has to be waiting around for the other. All it takes is to people who are committed to each other and truly want it to work out. Yes, you will have to put in the time and effort to make it work. But you've been doing that already and you've done fine. Keep it up and take things as they come.

He will grow. You will grow. And you can do so together, each becoming a better person in part thanks to the support and love of the other. It sounds to me like you are already doing that.

Every relationship is unique. If you're relationship is this strong and you do both see it as serious, then it's good to have these serious conversations. It's good to have boundaries and plans. And it's good to think about the future, Figuring out the potential problems and developing a plan will help make things easier as you go along. Just remember to have a balance. Don't get so lost in potential futures that you lose track of the here and now. 

You can do it.