Limerence - How to date if you never had anything significant so far?

[kevon]

headline checks it out.

i dont know how to react or act anymore.

[Kwothe28]

Limerence is an extreme form of unrequilted love that causes significant distress. I dont see how its connected to your problem of not having any experience so far. Lots of people have “limerence” when they meet somebody they think its special. That doesnt mean you cant date and have experience because of it. I have a friend that is like that with every woman he meets. He just got out of a long relationship, met some woman and said to me how he would “marry her” because he is infatuated with her even though she is his ex girlfriend(not the one they broke recently, the other he dated years ago) best friend. Which is textbook example of limerence. My point is, that doesnt stop him in having experiences with women.

Your problem is that you probably dont have “the talk”. Limerence is an issue by itself and can be damaging. It causes you to probably put those women on some pedestal and see them as “unatainable” by yourself. Which could create a problem. But all that could be avoided if you have “the talk”. Meaning that in time you learned that women arent some “mythical creatures”, that they have flaws(many of them lots and lots of them) and that its not really a big deal even if you are rejected. So you try to talk with one, two, three women a night. And try to take at least one phone number and shoot them a message to see them for a coffee or drinks. Nobody cares that you have no experience. It isnt written on your forehead. It only counts if you conduct yourself like you have no experience. That they would notice. 

[kevon]

i immediately go to the woman i desire to get to talk her.

my problem is, they breadcrumb me and over a few days/weeks they ghost me and i think i have shot my shot and i have lost my "last chance". iam depressed for months about such meetings. when i get to have a date with some, after one date it is done and i get ghosted. the same result: being depressed for months. i just learned about this today and i found everything about limerence is basically me. i dont find any possible solution. my problem is that i never had a relationship and the dates never resulted in a kiss or in second dates, which is why iam absolutely devastated. i just wanted to know if someone has been suffering from this for years and how they got out of this.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, kevon said:

i immediately go to the woman i desire to get to talk her.

my problem is, they breadcrumb me and over a few days/weeks they ghost me and i think i have shot my shot and i have lost my "last chance". iam depressed for months about such meetings. when i get to have a date with some, after one date it is done and i get ghosted. the same result: being depressed for months. i just learned about this today and i found everything about limerence is basically me. i dont find any possible solution. my problem is that i never had a relationship and the dates never resulted in a kiss or in second dates, which is why iam absolutely devastated. i just wanted to know if someone has been suffering from this for years and how they got out of this.

Therapy is a good solution when the reaction is so extreme.

[ShySoul]

People seem to have a need to create labels for simple, ordinary things and then classify themselves. They spend so much time trying to identify a category to fit into that they over think and forget to simply be.

You want a relationship. You want that special connection with another person. That applies to pretty much everyone. There's nothing different or out of the ordinary. We have all felt that way, like something is missing in our life until we share it with someone else.

Because you have not had that relationship, you are more sensitive to the topic. Thus when a possibility comes along, you get your hopes up. You start to have hope that this is finally your time. You build up the fantasy in your head and go full force from the beginning. Too much, too soon. Things don't have time to develop at a natural pace. When she pulls back, you go to the other extreme and think you have lost your last chance. You reaffirm all the negative thoughts in your head about how you will never find love.

We all feel that to some degree. Everyone of us started out with no experience - no dates, no kiss, no relationship. When we start on that journey is really a matter of timing, circumstances, and luck. Some people meet the right person sooner then others. Some have to wait a bit longer. But it doesn't matter when, what counts is with whom. When it does happen and when its with the right person it won't matter what did or did not come before. And even the ones who start out earlier, still have insecurities, doubts, and fears. They still feel horrible if things don't work out.

I was a late bloomer to finding romance. When I fall, I fall hard. And I worry that I've missed my chance. But what I've learned is that you don't have to let it cause you suffering. Yes,I would love to find love. But, as the song says, you can't hurry love. It is a part of life, not all of it. When the time is right, you will know what to do and the experience will be perfect. Until then, don't seek it and don't worry about it. Embrace everything else life has to offer. Let a relationship develop as it develops, being in the moment and just enjoying it. Don't worry about this being make or break for the rest of your life. That's too much pressure on both you and the woman. Just live each moment of life to the fullest, because in the end the moments are all we have.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

When the time is right, you will know what to do and the experience will be perfect.

I've never had that experience ever and I am married many years.  I have experienced friends sharing that they felt that way - sometimes it endured for many years and commitment, sometimes it was temporary.  For me it was all about - I was proactive AND accepted that there were zero guarantees. I assumed I would have to put in a lot of effort and  time and strategic thinking to reach my goal -my goal wasn't dating it was marriage and the opportunity to have a biological child.  One essential part of my work was developing a thick skin which is why I suggested therapy. I was able to do this without.

Because I had a thick skin about dating it meant I had more opportunities to be out there meeting people as I wasn't licking my wounds at home so to speak or distraught over a couple of dates, a rejection when I asked someone out or didn't get asked out, etc.  I was back in the saddle, back in the front lines so to speak. There is control over reactions  to feelings -no control over feelings of course. Having a busy, go getter, fun fulfilling life helped the thick skin part too. And made me a more interesting/diverse person on dates.  

About a week after I turned 50 I interviewed for a job that was basically a dream job for me.  I hadn't worked outside the home in 7.5 years. I'd never worked in my new city which was a totally different environment than my former city.  I hadn't worked in my field in 7.5 years either.  I had to walk in there to meet with two of my future supervisors and carry myself with confidence and know for sure there were no guarantees. I had zero other interviews coming up at that point in my long job search.  It's a lot like dating- and the rejection would have been incredibly disappointing.  I had spent weeks applying for this job too. 

But I had to psych myself up and react to my feelings of fear/anxiety/am I good enough in my 8 year old suit I am wearing? by still -doing what had to be done.  I did this on dates too.  I think it's worthwhile to hone those skills, because life is full of rejection - and if you need a coach or therapy to do so or great books that inspire you -go for it!

 

[yogacat]

Limerence - How to date if you never had anything significant so far?

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I had "Limerence" or whatever you want to label it for quite a while when I was 35. I dated someone for a short time, he was such a gentlemen, he made one off-hand comment and it ruined it for me so I chose to stop dating him. But, I still liked him very much and it drove me nuts I couldn't get over it.

I had to be intentional and not linger on thoughts of him. To keep the blurred lines clean, in my brain he's still a gentleman and not someone that made a jerky comment. It's almost easier because it was incomplete. 

One thing that helped me was looking at something new, out of my comfort zone, and thus a draw that brought joy, but nobody was attached to. For me, it was going to new places. I started doing that so often, I became accustomed to having feelings that weren't for him. I gradually stopped thinking of him.

Best wishes. May you find a new focus and something to enjoy.

[smackie9]

How's your social life? You have friends you hang out with? 

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

One essential part of my work was developing a thick skin which is why I suggested therapy. I was able to do this without.

There is control over reactions  to feelings -no control over feelings of course. Having a busy, go getter, fun fulfilling life helped the thick skin part too. And made me a more interesting/diverse person on dates.

For me life through enough curve balls that I developed thick skin at an early age. I didn't need to get out there to experience anything, I opened my eyes to everything that was already around me and learned from it. I could see what made a good relationship and what made a bad one. I was sensitive to my surroundings and the people in it, so took everything in. So by the time something came along, I already knew what to do and what not to do. And for the most part, it was perfect. At least, it was perfect for the two of us.

I'd also say thick skin can be overrated. There are many strengths to being more sensitive and embracing every emotion. Some animals are naturally thin skinned and do all right. Same can apply to humans. Its a matter of how we handle our emotions, the degree to which we allow those feelings to control us. But its still good to really feel them.

In the end, people should just be themselves. Like will eventually attract like and that will have a better chance of lasting. If you are someone who likes to go out, travel, etc., then do so for you. If you prefer to stay in, do so. Be happy with yourself first. If you feel you need therapy for it, do so. If you figure they can't say anything you don't already know (I mean, we are the ones who know ourselves best afterall), then take care of yourself. Knowing, embracing, and loving yourself is what brings forth true confidence and enables a person to shine.

[ShySoul]

Kevon, I know how frustrating it all is. I used to lay awake wondering when it would be my turn. I would break into tears. I begged with the universe for just one chance. Its hard. Hang in there.

Really, just live your life. Stop focusing on it so much. All that does is reinforce the negative thoughts. Be happy doing whatever makes you happy. When you are truly happy with yourself, that will show through and someone out there will find it attractive. 

Your moment will come. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I'd also say thick skin can be overrated. There are many strengths to being more sensitive and embracing every emotion.

Yes I did that too and I am quite attune to and good at that. But when it comes to dating if I had the reaction he did -months after someone I'd dated a very short time or not at all - that will impede future dating.  No one has to date.  Thick skin is all about balance. Someone can embrace every emotion -I certainly did when I was thick skinned -and not react in a way that impedes living your life. Same goes for people who pursue challenging or competitive careers (I did, still do) -I'd never have gotten to where I am in knowledge, professional growth etc if I embraced every emotion and was sensitive and reacted by wallowing for months or even days - I'd have been fired or would have had to quit. 

Many artists I know are very sensitive and embrace every emotion AND are out there pursuing their art and facing tons of rejection if they are artists for a living or even if it's more like a side thing or hobby.  I can't imagine any artist wallowing for months after their art -their baby-is rejected - and actually living life as an artist.  That's what I mean.  I am very very sensitive. I feel strong because I feel every emotion.  The thick skin doesn't mean turning off any emotion or being "less sensitive."  

I'm glad  you found perfection and just knew what to do.  That's very fortunate! In my personal experience and indirect experience that is very rare.  I like that part of it takes work, self-talk, fine tuning -then the rewards from the connection are even sweeter for me.  I like that my husband and son see when I don't just know "what to do" and either apologize or they see me explaining what's frustrating or challenging in the situation.  Again I'm glad it was so easy for  you.

OP -be yourself - if that self is a person who can show up, look nice, be nice on a date and with no expectations of a second date -or no expectations of even a first date -and if it does happen -well, great -then have fun on that date.  Take it personally -feel what you feel - and choose to react with all the tools that a reasonably secure and confident person has in their arsenal to feel those feelings -embrace them! -and - have those feelings in the proper place in your life so you  can live your life. 

One of my friends who is also late 50s after 10 weeks of interviewing for a dream job that seemed like a sure thing (she was let go from her previous position) - 10 weeks- didn't get the position. 

We talked about it yesterday -how sad she is.  While we were talking she was covering a booth at a convention for an organization she is part of, dressed to the nines, meeting and greeting and even scored a meeting with a represenative from the company who just rejected her. She is sad. She is frustrated -she vented to me.  And she is out there and even meeting the person from the very place that rejected her.  She has always been a go getter and fighter in her professional and personal life with many obstacles -medical, family issues -you name it.  That's what I mean.

[kevon]

On 6/5/2024 at 4:09 PM, yogacat said:

Limerence - How to date if you never had anything significant so far?

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I had "Limerence" or whatever you want to label it for quite a while when I was 35. I dated someone for a short time, he was such a gentlemen, he made one off-hand comment and it ruined it for me so I chose to stop dating him. But, I still liked him very much and it drove me nuts I couldn't get over it.

I had to be intentional and not linger on thoughts of him. To keep the blurred lines clean, in my brain he's still a gentleman and not someone that made a jerky comment. It's almost easier because it was incomplete. 

One thing that helped me was looking at something new, out of my comfort zone, and thus a draw that brought joy, but nobody was attached to. For me, it was going to new places. I started doing that so often, I became accustomed to having feelings that weren't for him. I gradually stopped thinking of him.

Best wishes. May you find a new focus and something to enjoy.

how and why?

i struggle to do so. i keep coming back to think about that one woman. and since i barely have more social contact outside of work, it drives me nuts to get to new places.

[kevon]

On 6/5/2024 at 9:10 PM, smackie9 said:

How's your social life? You have friends you hang out with? 

to a certain degree yes, but i wouldnt agree.

i have my nerd friends to hang out with, but we only hang out in each others basement to play videogames or to watch movies.

i would love to go out, but i struggle to do that alone since i feel miserable/not brave enough to do that alone.

[kevon]

On 6/6/2024 at 7:11 AM, ShySoul said:

For me life through enough curve balls that I developed thick skin at an early age. I didn't need to get out there to experience anything, I opened my eyes to everything that was already around me and learned from it. I could see what made a good relationship and what made a bad one. I was sensitive to my surroundings and the people in it, so took everything in. So by the time something came along, I already knew what to do and what not to do. And for the most part, it was perfect. At least, it was perfect for the two of us.

I'd also say thick skin can be overrated. There are many strengths to being more sensitive and embracing every emotion. Some animals are naturally thin skinned and do all right. Same can apply to humans. Its a matter of how we handle our emotions, the degree to which we allow those feelings to control us. But its still good to really feel them.

In the end, people should just be themselves. Like will eventually attract like and that will have a better chance of lasting. If you are someone who likes to go out, travel, etc., then do so for you. If you prefer to stay in, do so. Be happy with yourself first. If you feel you need therapy for it, do so. If you figure they can't say anything you don't already know (I mean, we are the ones who know ourselves best afterall), then take care of yourself. Knowing, embracing, and loving yourself is what brings forth true confidence and enables a person to shine.

maybe you can elaborate since i think i dont understand that metaphor with the animals.

i dont know if iam think skinned or not.

my parents werent the role models at all since they never showed any love or emotions at all. my parents had an arranged marriage and they, i think, never liked each other. so i really grew up that this is normal.

i only realized when i moved out how other people live and how iam unable to grasp what it means to be loved.

i never had a relationship and as much as i struggle and fight for one the next rejection hurts even more. i have struggled for the past 5 years with depression and suicide and despite being in therapy i dont feel that anything improves. i somehow understand that it might be like in the animal world: "survival of the fittest". 

why would a woman be interested in a miserable pile of poop like me?

[kevon]

On 6/6/2024 at 1:27 PM, Batya33 said:

Yes I did that too and I am quite attune to and good at that. But when it comes to dating if I had the reaction he did -months after someone I'd dated a very short time or not at all - that will impede future dating.  No one has to date.  Thick skin is all about balance. Someone can embrace every emotion -I certainly did when I was thick skinned -and not react in a way that impedes living your life. Same goes for people who pursue challenging or competitive careers (I did, still do) -I'd never have gotten to where I am in knowledge, professional growth etc if I embraced every emotion and was sensitive and reacted by wallowing for months or even days - I'd have been fired or would have had to quit. 

Many artists I know are very sensitive and embrace every emotion AND are out there pursuing their art and facing tons of rejection if they are artists for a living or even if it's more like a side thing or hobby.  I can't imagine any artist wallowing for months after their art -their baby-is rejected - and actually living life as an artist.  That's what I mean.  I am very very sensitive. I feel strong because I feel every emotion.  The thick skin doesn't mean turning off any emotion or being "less sensitive."  

I'm glad  you found perfection and just knew what to do.  That's very fortunate! In my personal experience and indirect experience that is very rare.  I like that part of it takes work, self-talk, fine tuning -then the rewards from the connection are even sweeter for me.  I like that my husband and son see when I don't just know "what to do" and either apologize or they see me explaining what's frustrating or challenging in the situation.  Again I'm glad it was so easy for  you.

OP -be yourself - if that self is a person who can show up, look nice, be nice on a date and with no expectations of a second date -or no expectations of even a first date -and if it does happen -well, great -then have fun on that date.  Take it personally -feel what you feel - and choose to react with all the tools that a reasonably secure and confident person has in their arsenal to feel those feelings -embrace them! -and - have those feelings in the proper place in your life so you  can live your life. 

One of my friends who is also late 50s after 10 weeks of interviewing for a dream job that seemed like a sure thing (she was let go from her previous position) - 10 weeks- didn't get the position. 

We talked about it yesterday -how sad she is.  While we were talking she was covering a booth at a convention for an organization she is part of, dressed to the nines, meeting and greeting and even scored a meeting with a represenative from the company who just rejected her. She is sad. She is frustrated -she vented to me.  And she is out there and even meeting the person from the very place that rejected her.  She has always been a go getter and fighter in her professional and personal life with many obstacles -medical, family issues -you name it.  That's what I mean.

yeah, i struggled finding a job after my master too. i think this basically started this whole depression journey for me. being jobless for almost 2years wondering what iam doing and why i have encountered more than 300 job rejections. now working in a complete different field, wildly overqualified since a lot of HR people told me i was too young for that kind of position(which seemed like a lie for me because i was already in my 30s) i never found what i wanted to work for. now life feels like a struggle. nothing works as i would like to. everyone says something different and no advice seems to come to fruition.

everything feels like a slog.

@Batya33 you are right, i need to feel comfortable, but everyone says *** like: dont play videogames if you want to have dates. go to the gym, have some social hobbies etc. but nothing worked for me. iam just living in fear for the next rejection whatever i do, i know it will be wrong for what i would like to do.

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, kevon said:

why would a woman be interested in a miserable pile of poop like me?

That is also a part of the issue. If you dont believe in a product you are selling, why should anybody else? You need to be believing that you are at least good enough for somebody else in order for you to convince them of that too. If you believe that you are a miserable poo,  they would believe that too.

For example, I struggled with adapting after college too. Jobs in my field are rare and you need to have a lot of personal connections to get them. But I did adapt. Worked outside of field, even made it on my own as a freelancer. So after years of struggle I did found a job in my field and doing it right now. So I can confidently say that I am not some scrub struggling to survive. 

But the thing is, I took out on my late mother. We are “fighters”. Even if the things are not going our own way we fight and claw back further to get out of the pit. But I can see you are not like that. Some people cant adapt and survive as they dont scratch and claw to get out of the pit but gather in fetal position and cry. With depression and even suicidal thoughts, you should first and foremost consult a therapist. And deal with that issue before dating.

[kevon]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is also a part of the issue. If you dont believe in a product you are selling, why should anybody else? You need to be believing that you are at least good enough for somebody else in order for you to convince them of that too. If you believe that you are a miserable poo,  they would believe that too.

For example, I struggled with adapting after college too. Jobs in my field are rare and you need to have a lot of personal connections to get them. But I did adapt. Worked outside of field, even made it on my own as a freelancer. So after years of struggle I did found a job in my field and doing it right now. So I can confidently say that I am not some scrub struggling to survive. 

But the thing is, I took out on my late mother. We are “fighters”. Even if the things are not going our own way we fight and claw back further to get out of the pit. But I can see you are not like that. Some people cant adapt and survive as they dont scratch and claw to get out of the pit but gather in fetal position and cry. With depression and even suicidal thoughts, you should first and foremost consult a therapist. And deal with that issue before dating.

i would agree with you, because 5 years ago i was. full of myself, brave and full of strength to conquer the world job- and women-wise. 5 years later, i feel like a wreck. nothing achieved while people less worth than me have become high achievers. i cant explain how and why i have failed miserably. it doesnt add up for me, how it never worked out for me.

i read and hear about women with body counts and stuff like this, while i never even touched a woman.

i feel i have more in common with incels and black pillers, because how bad i have fared so far.

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, kevon said:

to a certain degree yes, but i wouldnt agree.

i have my nerd friends to hang out with, but we only hang out in each others basement to play videogames or to watch movies.

i would love to go out, but i struggle to do that alone since i feel miserable/not brave enough to do that alone.

Well this is why hun....women are social creatures. But, if you all like movies, what's stopping you and your buddies from going out to see a movie together. Movie theaters have arcade games you can play/have some different fun. Can go out to a little pizza place later. All it takes is a creative sales pitch to get people interested. Got to start thinking outside the box to get going with your life. 

[catfeeder]

You mentioned having a therapist. What has been his/her advice on improving your social life? Consider asking him/her for a referral to some resources and possibly some group work to help you.

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, kevon said:

maybe you can elaborate since i think i dont understand that metaphor with the animals

Not all animals have thick skin. Frogs and other animals are thin skinned It doesn't make them weaker or inferior. Its just how they were born. Its a part of who they are.

Likewise, some people are more in tune to their feelings and emotions, having thinner skin if you will. That doesn't mean they are weaker or inferior. That's part of who they are. And while it can be. a a challenge, it can also be a blessing. It means you can see beauty in things others cant. It means experiencing the high points of life more deeply. I was just like you in not experiencing love and being depressed over it. But when something finally went right for me in that regard, the happiness and joy I felt was stronger then I could have imagined. Because I knew the lowest of despair, I could better appreciate the highest of joys.

This might explain it better: https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/

19 hours ago, kevon said:

 parents werent the role models at all since they never showed any love or emotions at all. my parents had an arranged marriage and they, i think, never liked each other. so i really grew up that this is normal.

i never had a relationship and as much as i struggle and fight for one the next rejection hurts even more. i have struggled for the past 5 years with depression and suicide and despite being in therapy i dont feel that anything improves. i somehow understand that it might be like in the animal world: "survival of the fittest". 

why would a woman be interested in a miserable pile of poop like me?

My parents weren't role models either. Any love that was there before I was born slowly gave way to fighting, yelling, alcohol, depression, suicide threats, and a really screwed up divorce. I've fought with feelings of depression for decades and occasional thoughts of just ceasing to exist and if it would really make a difference. I've faced the emptiness of still not having a relationship and rejection from potential romances, family, friends, jobs, you name it. Believe me, I get how miserable it all can feel.

But I'm still here. You are still here. If it is survival of the fittest, what do you think that means? It means you have survived through all these hardships. It means you are far more fit then you think you are. I really think those who struggle are the most fit of all. God doesn't give us more then he thinks we can hand!e. If we get alot, it means we are stronger then most and can handle it

You are not poop. Don't be this hard on yourself. You are a strong and good person. You just need to believe you are. When I was hard on myself, I just feed my depression and made it impossible to escape. But when I focused on what was good about me, when I embraced who I was, life slowly got better. I know it can for you.

[ShySoul]

I also struggled finding a job out of college. I was rejected in interview after interview. I went a year before finding something and had to move to a new area to get a fresh start. That had me down as well.  I've had to take steps back career wise before I could move forward again. It doesn't mean you are less than or something is wrong with you. Sometimes there are bad breaks and things out of your control. Make the most of what you currently have. Keep an eye out for something better. If need be, work with recruiters or professionals that can help fix up in gaps in a resume Take a class to get new skills. Believe in yourself and show people your skill through your work,and it will be rewarded eventually.

Don't think about anyone's body count or experiences. Just because they have had these experiences, doesn't mean they were good ones. It doesn't mean they are proud of that number. And it doesn't mean they are more successful. When you do find the right person, past experiences are irrelevant. What will matter is the feeling between the two of you. What will matter are the experiences you and her build together. I've had women say they wished they could give back some of their past experiences. First woman I was close to told me she wished she was a virgin so that we might one day experience it for the first time together. And some women like the idea of being able to teach a guy, being his first. When you find someone, they will like you for you and not care about what you have or have not done before.

And who cares what other people say about being social. Those people are not you. What they do is what they like to do. Do what you like to do. You do realize there is good number of geeky women out there? You do know there are gamer girls? You can find women into the same things you are and can meet them in ways you are more comfortable with. You just need to believe in yourself more and be open to the possibility.

[AndyPandy]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Don't think about anyone's body count or experiences. Just because they have had these experiences, doesn't mean they were good ones. It doesn't mean they are proud of that number. And it doesn't mean they are more successful.

So true. To add, in the case of men, it doesn't mean that they were even being truthful about those numbers and the experiences and on a darker note, it doesn't mean that they were actually consensual, legal or moral episodes. I've heard stories of men who racked up experiences and so-called body counts through despicable acts. Female friends and acquaintances have confided in me about terrible incidences that some predator/abuser is probably trumpeting somewhere as a proud conquest.

Me personally, I'd rather have fond memories of genuine affection and intimacy within one special person or a select few (culminating in me finding that special person) than hordes of casual sex, flings and ONS. A segment of my life has fallen into areas of the latter category and it can be fun in the short-term but overall in the long run, unfulfilling. There's also the health angle that even when you practice safer-sex, there are still things that you can catch and a large body count increases the risk of that happening.

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

And who cares what other people say about being social. Those people are not you. What they do is what they like to do. Do what you like to do.

Totally agree. Obviously the greater your level of social engagement, the increased likelihood of meeting people but there's no reason why you can't have a balance between the two. It works for me. Or, merging socialising with your interests and hobbies. Speaking of which...

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You do realize there is good number of geeky women out there?

A tremendous amount of whom are yearning to meet men who share their interests and no doubt become frustrated with encountering anti-intellectual types who couldn't care less their pastimes and hobbies. As someone with geeky/nerdy elements, this is a reminder that I should be trying to meet these types of women! 😁

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You do know there are gamer girls?

Coders too. 😉

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You can find women into the same things you are and can meet them in ways you are more comfortable with. You just need to believe in yourself more and be open to the possibility.

Excellent advice. It's also important to become more at ease with the danger of rejection. Easier said than done, of course. On that note...

On 6/4/2024 at 7:03 PM, kevon said:

...when i get to have a date with some, after one date it is done and i get ghosted. the same result: being depressed for months. i just learned about this today and i found everything about limerence is basically me. i dont find any possible solution. my problem is that i never had a relationship and the dates never resulted in a kiss or in second dates, which is why iam absolutely devastated. i just wanted to know if someone has been suffering from this for years and how they got out of this.

Ok, I can assure you that this is not exclusive to you - it happens to millions of people across the planet. I've been ghosted more times than a haunted house. It's horrible and makes you doubt your worth but what's important to always remember about being ghosted (which is an act of extreme cowardice) and generally rejected is that it's really a blessing in disguise because anyone who would treat us so badly and fail to recognise our value, never deserved us in the first place.

I've gotten out of this rut by heeding the words of a mentor who counselled me a couple of years ago when I was crestfallen to never feel worthless or unwanted because of other people's behaviour. It's nearly always a reflection on them - not us. Don't try too hard and when you do experience rejections, give yourself some time (but not too long and don't dwell!) to bounce back and then continue. Basically, perseverance and positivity are key.

Oh and do not go down the route of listening to PUA morons - they are misogynistic creeps and snake oil salesmen.

[kevon]

23 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Well this is why hun....women are social creatures. But, if you all like movies, what's stopping you and your buddies from going out to see a movie together. Movie theaters have arcade games you can play/have some different fun. Can go out to a little pizza place later. All it takes is a creative sales pitch to get people interested. Got to start thinking outside the box to get going with your life. 

since they are all married or are unsocial creatures, they are not interested in hanging out outside. hence iam sort of stuck... i have social anxiety to get in contact with people if iam by my own

[kevon]

21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You mentioned having a therapist. What has been his/her advice on improving your social life? Consider asking him/her for a referral to some resources and possibly some group work to help you.

my therapist is atm a psychoanalytical one. they tell me to first work on myself, but this somehow drags on and i dont see any improvement, hence iam also struggling therapy-wise.

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, kevon said:

 they tell me to first work on myself, but this somehow drags on and i dont see any improvement, hence iam also struggling therapy-wise.

But do you actually try what they tell you? For example, do they tell you to go out and socialize and do you try to mix up with people?