What Steps Should I Take to Rebuild Trust and Navigate Complex Dynamics in My Re

[lilalily]

I (20M) have been with my girlfriend (20F) on and off for a year. We broke up a few months ago because I cheated on her by sending and receiving nudes. She found out and broke up with me. I deeply regret what I did, and since then, I haven't texted any other girls.

However, when we broke up, she started texting others and posting pictures of herself. These weren't just normal pictures; they were full-body pictures in dresses for other men to see. It really hurt me, but she came back and wanted to give us another chance. She said she only did it because she had never taken back someone who cheated and was just trying to move on, but couldn't because she missed me and still loved me. So, she wanted to give us a chance.

We are both struggling to make it work because we both have trust issues. Most of our arguments stem from her not listening to me immediately when I ask her to do something. For example, when I tell her to go home immediately when she is out because I'm worried for her safety, she asks why. This makes me so mad that I cuss at her, and then she cries. But it all wouldn't happen if she listened without questioning.

I don't know what to do. She is really hurt and has depression. I want to support her and be there for her, but I'm scared I'm just healing her and building her up for her next man. I want us to be good like before, and I want to marry her one day. Additionally, her whole family hates me for what I did to her, and they made her choose between me and them. That's also a main reason we broke up, because she didn't want to lose her family.

She is going to therapy and wants me to go to therapy with her, but I don't see why we should go together when, in my opinion, the only problem is that she needs to listen to me. I told her I could give her the world if she only did what I asked her to.

Could you guys please give me advice on what to do? I don't want to look back in the future and regret making the wrong decision.

[Kaytonie]

So part of me is hopeful that this post is a joke. If not, then you should reevaluate how you veiw a relationship. 

No one is going to listen to you blindly - not a girlfriend, a friend, a child, or even an employee. Even trained soldiers have a hard time not questioning orders. You should never expect your girlfriend/wife to follow your directions blindly. Even abused woman, who have been beaten down emotionally and physically, will end up questioning once in a while - and will often be abused for it. 

Therapy is a must. You are controlling and have very dangerous views on what kind of control you should have over an SO and exhibit emotional abuse. If you do not correct your thinking, I can see you rationalizing physical abuse one day. This type of entitlement over another person isn't healthy.

You should leave this girl alone (forever) and figure out your issues before trying to date someone new. No one deserves to be yelled and cussed at because they asked "why." 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, lilalily said:

We are both struggling to make it work because we both have trust issues. Most of our arguments stem from her not listening to me immediately when I ask her to do something. For example, when I tell her to go home immediately when she is out because I'm worried for her safety, she asks why. This makes me so mad that I cuss at her, and then she cries. But it all wouldn't happen if she listened without questioning.

That's not a healthy way for two humans to interact and seems abusive too so I would suggest figuring out how you can treat someone you are dating with basic respect and until then do not date.  Even as a parent -which I am - yes he has to do what I say in certain instances but the consequences of not listening doesn't mean he gets cursed at etc.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, lilalily said:

Most of our arguments stem from her not listening to me immediately when I ask her to do something. For example, when I tell her to go home immediately when she is out because I'm worried for her safety, she asks why. This makes me so mad that I cuss at her, and then she cries. But it all wouldn't happen if she listened without questioning.

I really REALLY hope you answer the questions I am about to ask because I've read same or similar from other young men (and older men) and it's extremely troubling.

1.  Where the HECK did you learn that it's your job as a boyfriend to tell her what to do and that she needs to listen to you immediately when you demand her to do something?

2. Where did you learn that it's okay and acceptable to cuss at her, make her cry and then blame HER because "if she had only listened to me and followed my orders," you would not be cussing at her and making her cry?

I have no advice at this point, I just want to know where you learned that this is acceptable behavior?    Your parents?  Social media?

Where?

It's quite troubling to say the least.  

 

[MissCanuck]

I am going to guess this is not a real post. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I am going to guess this is not a real post. 

Good guess!!

[waffle]

You might be surprised.

Me, if some clown tried to give me orders and then swear at me, instead of asking why I'd be telling him GFY as I turned and marched out the door.

[smackie9]

You deeply regret...getting caught because if you didn't get caught you would have kept doing it. You knew it was wrong and how it would have hurt her. You have no clue...you are the one that's supposed to LISTEN. Once a woman knows she's heard, and supported, all will be a peace. But I have a feeling, your narcissistic  view/attitude towards her, you will never get to that point of understanding how a relationship truly works and how to work together. She must really care about you, because her inviting you to join her in therapy is her way of wanting to make this work....but there's no way it will with your present state of mind/attitude. You keep rejecting, you lose. 

[lilalily]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I am going to guess this is not a real post. 

It is and im asking for advice

[lilalily]

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I really REALLY hope you answer the questions I am about to ask because I've read same or similar from other young men (and older men) and it's extremely troubling.

1.  Where the HECK did you learn that it's your job as a boyfriend to tell her what to do and that she needs to listen to you immediately when you demand her to do something?

2. Where did you learn that it's okay and acceptable to cuss at her, make her cry and then blame HER because "if she had only listened to me and followed my orders," you would not be cussing at her and making her cry?

I have no advice at this point, I just want to know where you learned that this is acceptable behavior?    Your parents?  Social media?

Where?

It's quite troubling to say the least.  

 

1. Listening shows respect, loyalty, and brings trust 
2. never said anything is an “order”and once again she blames me for everything

[Capricorn3]

16 hours ago, lilalily said:

We are both struggling to make it work because we both have trust issues. Most of our arguments stem from her not listening to me immediately when I ask her to do something. For example, when I tell her to go home immediately when she is out because I'm worried for her safety, she asks why. This makes me so mad that I cuss at her, and then she cries. But it all wouldn't happen if she listened without questioning.

I don't know what to do.

You do know this is abuse, right?  You have absolutely no right to tell her to "go home immediately" or to "cuss at her when she doesn't listen".    And no, she does not "need to listen to you".  You are not her parent. She is not a young child.  You are way out of line.  I am not surprised her parents don't like you.

What to do?  -   Leave her alone and learn from this.  Perhaps you need to look into professional help - therapy to help you address all of your controlling abusive issues/behaviour.  It would be of great benefit to you.

[Kaytonie]

5 hours ago, lilalily said:

1. Listening shows respect, loyalty, and brings trust 
2. never said anything is an “order”and once again she blames me for everything

This furthers my belief that this post is a joke, and you are just trying to rile people up by pretending to not understand. 

Again, in case this is a real post:

You are making "listening" and an "order" the same thing (common with abusive men). You told her what to do, she asked why, and you cussed her out until she cried. Essentially - she didn't jump when you said to jump, so you took your rage out on her. She didn't even refuse to jump - she just asked why. And you still blame her? (Also common with abusive men). 

We are spelling this out as clearly as we can:

1. You are Abusive. 

2. Leave this woman alone. 

3. Seek help from a professional. If you can't afford that, find a self-help group for abusive men. 

[Jaunty]

"Listening" is not synonymous with "following orders."  She probably listens just fine.