Heartbroken: partner of 4 years left but I want to work things out

[Maria13]

I am shattered and heartbroken. The man I thought I would have family with and spend the rest of my life with, left me. We were together for over 4 years, and had a beautiful home together (we rented it), we were also trying to have a baby for a year now.

We had been having problems but the breakup was still a complete shock for me. Turns out he had been unhappy for a long time but didn't really communicate it to me. He is extremely "good guy" - he did SO many things for me, was extremely supportive and kind. And yet, I longed for deeper emotional intimacy, he almost never spoke about his feelings or emotions, everything was always "fine" for him. We rarely had deep discussions. It made me unhappy and I blamed him for this more than once, I became angry at him instead of kindly trying to encourage him to open up. He pulled back even more and I became even more demanding, and so on. When he broke up he said that eventually, he completely lost himself as he was trying to push down all the resentment. I had no idea he felt SO bad.

I desperately wanted to save this relationship, he simply said it's too late. He refused couple's counceling. He could barely stay in the same room with me. The kind and empathic partner I knew turned cold and cruel overnight. He left our home and stayed with his parents, and now one month later he has found another place to live and is preparing to move out. He offered that if I want, I can continue to live in our common home for some time and he'd pay half of the rent (I cannot afford it alone), and that "now he doesn't think so but maybe things would change for him". I don't know if he is doing it because he feels guilty or he genuinely thinks there might be a chance for us.

I know we are both to blame here, he should have been more open and I should have been less demanding and more kind. Apart from this dynamics, we were good together and the first 2-3 years of our relationship were incredibly sweet, we were both completely amazed that "this" person exists for us. I would do anything to save us but I cannot do much as he is completely "out". All I can do is wait and hope he'd change his mind, but this is not an easy position to be in. And yet here I am because I love him so much and cannot imagine my life without him. I know I "deserve more" and "he was the one who left", but the feelings and the hope for us to reconcile are way stronger. It is all so sad and I so desperately miss him. On top of everything, I am 40 and this was probably my last chance to have a baby.

Does someone have similar experience? Is there any hope?

[Batya33]

If he did so many things for you why were you acting in a demanding way ? I’m sorry you’re so upset. Sometimes trying for a baby is very stressful. Was there a plan to get married ? Did you agree on who would care for a baby ? We tried to conceive for over a year and were successful but had we had to do fertility treatments I’m sure that would have been stressful. For example. 
It takes two to make a relationship work so I’d not beg. Is if possible there is someone else ?

[Maria13]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If he did so many things for you why were you acting in a demanding way ? I’m sorry you’re so upset. Sometimes trying for a baby is very stressful. Was there a plan to get married ? Did you agree on who would care for a baby ? We tried to conceive for over a year and were successful but had we had to do fertility treatments I’m sure that would have been stressful. For example. 
It takes two to make a relationship work so I’d not beg. Is if possible there is someone else ?

I guess I missed deeper emotional connection and that made me act out. It was definitely not a nice way to show it 😞 Trying for a baby was indeed stressful and the we went to the fertility doctors etc. We planned to do IVF as the next step, but then he left. Marriage - we spoke about it but neither of us felt that we need to do it very soon. I indeed asked if there is someone else, he told me no, but one can never be sure.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Maria13 said:

I guess I missed deeper emotional connection and that made me act out. It was definitely not a nice way to show it 😞 Trying for a baby was indeed stressful and the we went to the fertility doctors etc. We planned to do IVF as the next step, but then he left. Marriage - we spoke about it but neither of us felt that we need to do it very soon. I indeed asked if there is someone else, he told me no, but one can never be sure.

 

You chose to act out in reaction to not feeling close to him emotionally and yet you felt close enough to commit to being parents with him. 

Nothing makes you act out- not in the sense you say -it's a choice -I very often have to choose not to when I'm overwhelmed, sleep deprived, hangry - right now I'm hiding out in our room to enjoy some space while I finish my meal before I get back to cleaning up.  Instead of sitting in the same room with all the sensory overload in my house right now and feeling triggered -what I do is - part of a relationship - it's about being accountable for our choices and reactions to our feelings.  It sounds like you want to do things differently next time in a different relationship.  

I'm so sorry about the stress of trying to conceive!

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Maria13 said:

We had been having problems but the breakup was still a complete shock for me. Turns out he had been unhappy for a long time but didn't really communicate it to me. He is extremely "good guy" - he did SO many things for me, was extremely supportive and kind. And yet, I longed for deeper emotional intimacy, he almost never spoke about his feelings or emotions, everything was always "fine" for him. We rarely had deep discussions. It made me unhappy and I blamed him for this more than once, I became angry at him instead of kindly trying to encourage him to open up. He pulled back even more and I became even more demanding, and so on. When he broke up he said that eventually, he completely lost himself as he was trying to push down all the resentment.

Yeah, sadly,it sounds like things were falling apart due to all of this.  HIS lack of communication and your expectations.

No one's perfect & all couples argue about things.. sorry you are hurting 😞 .

Since you do realize now where things went south, in time you'll come to accept this and heal.  You two just weren't meshing well.  It happens.

In the meanwhile, be easy on yourself.  Take it easy, lean on your friends & family and give it time.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You chose to act out in reaction to not feeling close to him emotionally and yet you felt close enough to commit to being parents with him. 

This.  Were YOU maybe becoming a little too desperate?  Not good.

If you really want a child, you can always adopt or go choose a father! 🙂 

 

[LootieTootie]

8 hours ago, Maria13 said:

He is extremely "good guy" - he did SO many things for me, was extremely supportive and kind. And yet, I longed for deeper emotional intimacy, he almost never spoke about his feelings or emotions, everything was always "fine" for him. We rarely had deep discussions.

A foundation for a loving and strong relationship is built on emotional vulnerability and if this man was never able to lay his heart out to you, then please accept that this man wasn't for you...regardleess if he "such a good guy" - I dated a lot of good guys but if I am not feeling this deep emotional connection to them, its hard to be in love with them. I feel in love twice and it was with my first love and my husband who I can connect with because of the chemistry and talking about each other's emotions was effortless. When someone is guarded, that just means they arent wanting and willing to open up to you and the last thing you should do is push them to be. That just pushes them away.

8 hours ago, Maria13 said:

Turns out he had been unhappy for a long time but didn't really communicate it to me. 

 

And when he finally communicated it, believe it. That is why he broke up and moved out, and found his own place. For an ex to move out and find their own place... that is a picture that says "I'm out, I'm done."

I am sorry you're hurting but I think space from him, you see that you both were never on the same page. I think you might blame some of this breakup to stress from fertility issues, but you ignored that you both were not compatible. May have had some good moments, but what really defines a strong and compatible relationship is when that relationship goes thru trying/hard times.

 

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Maria. I think most anyone can appreciate the reflex to hope for a reconciliation. While it sounds as though your part in the cycle you described may be the regret you focus on most, it might be helpful to remind yourself that you were reacting to a problem that made you very unhappy.

You may want to shift your focus to what you sensed about his behavior that caused you so much pain in the first place. He didn't give you verbal warnings of his unhappiness, but you sensed them. While this may have prompted you to behave in ways you would take back if you could, it's unlikely that this would have changed things. He wasn't willing to offer you any opportunities to address this with him. That may be the thing to consider carefully rather than beat yourself up about what you could or couldn't have done differently. This man was not giving you the closeness and the intimacy you wanted and deserve.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll write more if it helps.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Maria13 said:

I guess I missed deeper emotional connection and that made me act out.

Can you be more specifc? What did you say or do?

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but this seemed like a relationship out of convenience. Probably both in age and wanted a child but no real connection. You were angry and he was unhappy because simply, you werent good for each other. Which happens when you are not glued by the genuine connection but by the interest. Staying in something where you only have an interest can only last until you either fulfill that interest or leave when you see how unhappy you are. Think of it as a toxic work environment but with a good pay. Good pay wont mean a thing after a while when your mental health decreases every day because of your colleagues or Bosses. So, you are certainly both better separated. 

Also I wouldnt wait for him so mommy and daddy give him the sense of urgency to come back to you so you could make them a grandkid. Find an apartment for yourself and keep yourself separated. Let this be a lesson for the future to seek somebody where there is a genuine connection and communication rather than just a common interest. If you only want a child there are options to do it without a man involved so seek that instead.

[Kaytonie]

I think he has told you in no uncertain terms that things are over. The "maybe later" thing is very common to say during breakups to give the other person a little hope if the other person isn't handling it well. 

You cannot force a relationship. It's over. You should accept that, grieve the loss of the relationship, and move on. 

Regarding kids - having kids isn't in the cards for everyone. While we all feel that biological clock ticking down, and sometimes it doesn't work out - and that's OK. There isn't anything wrong with you if you don't have kids. 

Ask yourself: Do you actually want kids? Or is it social pressure? (The idealistic house with a yard, husband, kids, etc.). At this point in your life, you can make the decision for yourself. If you want kids, make it happen without a man. If you don't want kids, accept it, rid yourself of the guilt, and enjoy your life. 

[TeeDee]

19 hours ago, Maria13 said:

Does someone have similar experience? Is there any hope?

I was with a guy for 10 years when things ended.  5 years l met my husband.  

If you want a baby get a sperm doner & IVF or adopt.  

[AuthenticSelf]

On 6/3/2024 at 8:28 AM, Maria13 said:

And yet, I longed for deeper emotional intimacy, he almost never spoke about his feelings or emotions, everything was always "fine" for him. We rarely had deep discussions. It made me unhappy and I blamed him for this more than once, I became angry at him instead of kindly trying to encourage him to open up. He pulled back even more and I became even more demanding, and so on. When he broke up he said that eventually, he completely lost himself as he was trying to push down all the resentment. I had no idea he felt SO bad.

This is chicken and egg. 

There are 2 things here: 

1. He is being cold, not talking about emotion

2. You are being demanding 

 

Anyone of those can happen first and they lead to each other. 

 

All you can do is changing what you can control. 

So, what would happen if you stop being so demanding?

Also, in what occasions you see yourself being demanding? 

In the occasions when your action is classified as demanding, what would you do instead now you know? 

 

These are all lessons learned. 

Try speed dating if you can't win him back.