Zero intimacy in 7-year relationship

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Endoftheroadsomewhere along the way, you lost your self-respect, and as a result SHE has lost respect for you as well.

That combined with her lacking integrity and being a generally unkind and extremely selfish person with an entitlement mentality, I am afraid this is done.

I am so sorry.

I know it goes against your nature, but being kind to this "person" is serving you no good purpose whatsoever.  She is a 'monster' IMO.  I would say more but I am not a qualified healthcare professional so cannot offer a diagnosis (psychopathy, narcissism, histrionic, BPD, etc.).  

This!

4 hours ago, Endoftheroad said:

I’ve been feeling so unloved for so long

So why stay? What hold does this person have over you if you are willing to spend the rest of your days miserable and feeling unloved? No one deserves to be treated like that.

You are one financially supporting her. So why does she get decide you should sell the house and move to a place that has no real benefit for either of you? How would distancing yourself further from any support you currently have be of any help?

She has shown you no support, so you don't owe her much, if anything. Don't allow yourself to be pushed into something that isn't fair to do. Fight for what you are owed. If you want to still help, be fair and do what you can reasonably afford. But please don't try to be the caregiver doing everything for her anymore. It hasn't helped you this far and won't going forward. So stand up for yourself.

And above all else, keep that child with you. They should have a loving, supportive parent who will do right by them. She isn't that parent. You can be. 

[Capricorn3]

OP, she's walking all over you and you have become a doormat ....... but even worse, you are allowing it - hence she has zero respect for you.  You really really need to grow some and stand up for yourself and your child's future.  Show her you have some self-respect.  No more being a doormat.

She wants to move? Great, let her move but certainly don't pay her rent etc. She can find a job and take care of herself and if she claims she can't, tough luck.

Get LEGAL advice - the sooner the better.

[catfeeder]

51 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

She wants to move? Great, let her move but certainly don't pay her rent etc. She can find a job and take care of herself and if she claims she can't, tough luck.

Yep, this ^^^ is the position I'd take, but I'd also meet with an attorney to learn my best strategy to keep my home and my child. This woman has whipped you into believing that she's entitled to your financial support, so seek the legal advice that will disabuse you of such a notion. And do NOT sell your home.

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, this ^^^ is the position I'd take, but I'd also meet with an attorney to learn my best strategy to keep my home and my child. This woman has whipped you into believing that she's entitled to your financial support, so seek the legal advice that will disabuse you of such a notion. And do NOT sell your home.

^ THIS is worth repeating.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Show her you have some self-respect.  

This^^ AND how about showing your child you have self-respect?  Even if you don't care about yourself and being trampled on, taken advantage of and essentially mentally/emotionally/financially abused, think of the example you are setting for your child witnessing this from his/her own father!  And mother.

Kids are VERY perceptive, they pick up on everything!!

Both you and this "person" are role models and what your child witnesses from you (both of you) will be what they will take with them into their own relationships as an adult.

Please think about that, I think it's important.

 

 

 

[Endoftheroad]

Thank you all again for your replies.

Just to reiterate … I don’t think she’s a bad person. She’s very good with our daughter.

But yes, from my perspective it’s pretty miserable being with someone who seems to have no concept whatsoever of truly supportive partnerships or intimacy, and who I’ve haemorrhaged money supporting for 5+ years.

Some food for thought in this thread. The solicitor I went to see before told me that shared custody would be best - that’s what the courts will usually want (apparently) and it would be hard for me to argue for sole custody unless I could show that she is a bad mother. Well, in spite of the way things are between us, she is not a bad mother.

So… if shared custody is what happens (as seems likely at this point), since she has no money of her own, the court would want to see me provide a place for her to live (for the time they spend together), That’s what I’ve been told. If we do end up sharing custody, then I, too, would want my daughter properly looked after of course.

But… this thread has made me feel like I should see another solicitor to get a second opinion on the likelihood of sole custody / primary responsibility. 

Thanks again, it’s so nice to be able to vent here!

[Andrina]

You might ask the lawyer about alimony payments for a limited time. Such as if she receives rent money from you for a year, giving her time to find a job and support herself during that time period. That will force her to get off her tush. I definitely wouldn't buy her her own place. And you give her a trio of options since it's your money. Sometimes people rent mother-in-law suites which might be cheaper than an apartment. Just throwing this out there, but you might even consider building your own with its own separate entrance.

[lostandhurt]

First off do not promise, offer or agree to anything while talking to her!!!  She can use that against you in legal proceedings.

 I know you love her and wish this would magically work out but you have to be at the end of your rope right?  She is not the person you want or wish she would be so please stop the Mr Nice Guy routine with her.  You keep putting yourself out there hoping she will show some emotion or care for you or your feelings but she is as cold as ice.  Stop trying so you can stop being hurt.

 Do not sell your house, do not get it valued and do not discuss it with her.  Right now it is part of your expenses which reduces any monies she may be awarded.  If you remove a monthly expense then that frees up monies in the courts eyes. Keep the house for another very good reason. It is your child's home, the only one she has ever known and she will need some stability in her life when you split up.

Lastly she needs to provide a place to live for your daughter, not you.  Yes you may be required to provide short term alimony until she gets a job and child support but it isn't your job to find her  a place in this new city, pay rent and move her there.  MAKE HER DO THE WORK. 

 Getting a second opinion is smart but you will only get 50/50 custody in the end.  The question is will you need to pay alimony and if so for how long.  Child support is a given but don't just agree to what she wants since she will use the child support for herself instead. 

As far as her moving goes move quick to get started on ending all this before she moves (if she moves at all) so it is all set where you live and if she wants to move away she has to work harder for it.  I have a feeling there is someone else in this new city you do not know about...

 Keep posting, educate yourself on your rights in this process and start preparing yourself for the ultimate end to your nightmare.  Once it is all done you will look back knowing you did the right thing for yourself and child.

Lost

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Endoftheroad said:

the court would want to see me provide a place for her to live (for the time they spend together), That’s what I’ve been told.

Did a lawyer tell you this, or is it speculation from anyone else?

Another approach would be for you to agree to shared custody once the mother establishes her own residence and an ability to share support of the child, but until then, you retain custody and she gets visitation.

This is the kind of stuff you'll need to hash out with your OWN attorney, not some mediator for both of you. You'll need to establish a strategy that works well for YOU and your child, as opposed to some democratic division of YOUR assets and finances.

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, I know you're in the UK, so perhaps the laws re cohabitation with your partner are different than in the US.

Here is California, there are no specific laws regarding cohabitation but it does recognize cohabitating couples as "domestic partners "

This gives couples some rights similar to married couples however they do not have the same legal protections as married couples.

I would seek a second opinion.  Do some research and find a lawyer experienced in domestic partnerships.

The fact you have a child together most likely has a bearing too. 

 

 

[comfortablycumfy]

I feel for you. I was once in a relationship where the other person wasn't in love with me. Liked me but never really loved me. I so wanted him to feel the same, I stayed and even prayed, just like you. Willing it to get better because it was all I wanted. Turned myself into something I wasn't, just to please....desperate for love and affection. Blaming myself for not being worthy enough, ugly, undesirable. Bending over backwards. The more I questioned, the more trouble I created. He would get defensive, feeling pressured. Of course I understand now..... like how do you tell someone you don't love them?  10 years for me to realise and accept that I had to let go.....It isn't real love. Please don't cling. Real love is out there waiting for you. Be strong and accept you will never make her love you. X