Guy I cheated with/ex is working where I work. My husband and I aren't good

[Katl86]

I had my first bf when I was 16 and we stayed together until I was 21. At around 20 I had a lot of bad things happen in a short amount of time and it had a big impact on my mental health. I am not trying to excuse any of my actions here. I know it was terrible and it is my biggest regret. I chose the self destruct path and started sleeping with a guy I met through the job training at my college. We were seeing each other for 6/7 months. When I "broke up" with him and actually followed through by not talking to him for a couple of days, he texted my bf at the time and told him all about it with receipts. It spread very fast. My bf broke up with me a day later. I lost most of my friends, family, and almost got booted from my program. The guy I had been seeing and I got together a few weeks later. We were together for about 2 years and were technically engaged. It was the worst time in my life and I was miserable. Our relationship was extremely toxic and just bad. I moved out of state to get away from him. I got meds, therapy and my life greatly improved. (Moved back later)

 

I told my now husband about all of this when we started getting serious. I don't think it's something any guy would like hearing about his gf, but it never stopped us or let it get in the way of us. This has never been an issue in our marriage or on our radar at all. About a month ago my ex started working where I do. A few days ago my husband and I were hanging out, watching a movie and drinking a little bit and I decided to tell him. I told him my ex had been working there and I was looking into moving jobs. I didn't think it would turn into something so explosive. He asked me the basic questions about everything and I told him. He was clearly getting upset and hit me with "so you are so afraid you are going to *** him that you are willing to quit your job." I explained that was not the case. I told him that I hate being around him, I didn't think he would like it, and I want to protect our relationship. He was upset I didn't tell him sooner which is completely valid. I was just processing and putting it off. He asked me what it would take for me to sleep with him but put it in a much more derogatory way. I just cried and we haven't been speaking much.

 

That is where we are at and I don't know what to do. I am so scared for my relationship. I can't believe I am still dealing with fallout from this again. I thought he would be supportive of me getting another job and we wouldn't have an argument. Now idk what he wants me to do. I don't want to send the message that I just had to get away from him before something happened because that is untrue, but it cant be good for my marriage to stay? He has just told me to do whatever I want. 

 

I'm 28, husband is 33, ex is 36 if it matters. We have a 1 year old daughter and our marriage has been really great. If anyone has advice I would really appreciate it because I'm not doing great. His reaction and words caught me so off guard

 

[MissCanuck]

Your husband apparently doesn't trust you, which is the biggest problem. 

You made some bad choices in the past, it's true. That can't be undone but it seems you have learned from them and were trying to be transparent. Your husband's reaction to this is concerning. He evidently worries that you have it in you to be unfaithful to him:

1 hour ago, Katl86 said:

He asked me what it would take for me to sleep with him but put it in a much more derogatory way

This is unacceptable and unnecessary. I get why he might be uncomfortable having this man around but he should not go on the attack like this and disrespect you. Are you sure he has never had trust issues with you? 

 

[catfeeder]

I'd gently tell husband that I've always considered us to be a team on the same side. I'd ask him to consider that, because I'd like for him to let me know if he's ever willing to approach a discussion with that in mind.

If he reacts in anger, I'd just listen. When he's done I'd repeat that I want us to be on the same side again.

[LootieTootie]

I'm sorry... But your history is your history! This happened almost 10 years ago... I dont think you need to worry about your ex or look for another job.

The bigger issue here tho is your husband. He sounds like he is punishing you for something you did when you were young and dumb...If he cared so much about your faithfulness history, maybe he shouldn't have married you in the first place. 

Me thinks your husband is abusive and your fear should be anger. Please set yourself free and stop letting these people in your life punish you by speaking up and tell people you arent sorry for what happened 10 years ago because you did your time.

 

[TeeDee]

You kind of messed up by not telling hubby immediately so apologize for that.  

Do make a meaningful effort to get another job. . . I'm talking 5-10 applications per day.   

Say sweet things to your husband.  Make his favorite meal.  Reassure him that he's your guy.  Do ask him what he needs to rebuild trust.  In a calmer moment find out why he overreacted so badly & have some real discussions about trust.  Hopefully his response was just the alcohol & jealousy & he's not as much of a tool as he comes across. 

[tattoobunnie]

I would give your hubs some time to come around.  It's not an issue of what you might do.  It's an issue of why didn't you tell him right away.  You bottled it up with your one your boyfriend, and you are doing it again with your husband.  Figure out why you do this.  Could be from a parent that always made you feel shameful for expressing yourself...or a dynamic where you had to be the golden child, so your folks wouldn't fight.  Either way, reassure your husband, no more secrets.  And give him a moment to decompress.

[lostandhurt]

Your husband has known all these years that you are a cheater and accepted you for who you are now but when you didn't tell him right away the guy you cheated with all those years ago was now a coworker it brought all that right back in his face.  Did he handle it well?  No he didn't but I can totally understand his reaction.

 Let him calm down and process what you told him then sit down and talk to him.  If you do not want to work at the same place as your ex then make sure you know exactly why and related that to your husband in a statement, not a question.  You made some terrible choices back then and they have come back to haunt you but it doesn't mean you cannot make good choices now to get some peace back into your life. 

  With any sensitive subject like past cheating it is always best to not delay, hide or diminish anything and be upfront right away with your current partner.  Just because it happened a long time ago means nothing.

He will come around once the shock wears off

Lost

[TeeDee]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Your husband has known all these years that you are a cheater and accepted you for who you are now

As a teenager she exhibited bad judgment.  Who didn't?  That doesn't make her an unfaithful wife.  People do grow up.  

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

As a teenager she exhibited bad judgment.  Who didn't?  That doesn't make her an unfaithful wife.  People do grow up.  

She cheated and then continued beyond a one time thing.  That was not bad judgment, it was a clear choice.  What we do from the day we are born until the day we die is what makes us who we are, mistakes and all but most of the time how we handle past mistakes shows what we are truly made of.

 No matter age or circumstances owning our mistakes is the only way to learn from them.

Lost

[LotusBlack]

On 6/4/2024 at 6:28 AM, lostandhurt said:

you are a cheater

I don’t think she is a cheater. She cheated in the past and was a cheater in the past, but she grew from that and has vowed to never do it again. So far, she has remained true to that vow.

I would be careful to avoid using the present tense “you are a cheater” in this instance. I think it more appropriate to say that she was a cheater. That is true. And she has held herself to account for it.