Still very heartbroken

[nattz4512]

Still very heartbroken over neighbor guy.. it's still very difficult to process and to know that he doesn't care and has given me the boot.

It's been 3 months now...He's not "coming" back nor is he probably thinking about me.  It's a very difficult and hard pill to swallow. 

It's heart wrenching..someone that you care deeply about..used you, Ghosted you, and discarded you like a piece of garbage..with such little regard..

I feel like he genuinely thinks I'm beneath him and that he was doing me a favor by dating me..

Unfortunately, while cleaning my front to the best of my ability..I saw him...he walked past me.. 

I said good morning, have a nice day to him. He said it back and  barely acknowledged me. 

After I finished cleaning  ..I went inside and cried.

The only reason why I acknowledged him..was that if I can't  successfully avoid anyone(I don't like being around people and try to avoid anyone and being seen...if possible) I'll at least return or exchange a friendly greeting with them before dashing off...

Plus, I thought that I could eventually make it less awkward for me or both by acknowledging him...since eventually since we live in close proximity..we'd cross paths eventually..

I am unsure if I will acknowledge him anymore.  Perhaps I could pretend not to see him...I wish that I could wish away what happened between us...but I can't wish it away ...nor pretend it didn't happen. 

8 months ..and I'm very confused still...I know that I'll probably never get any closure..and hopefully I am strong enough to resist him if ever he were to try and work himself back into my life again..

Currently,  I am not strong enough and would accept him back.

I admit, that I love him and that I struggle with resisting daily urges to reach out to him...it's very difficult not to reach out to him.  

I thought about asking him directly if he thinks about me...I know that isn't a good idea.

He has shut me out, and I must continue to deal with it..also I must respect his decision for himself and life...no matter how much I don't agree nor like it. .no matter how he went about it.

I wouldn't want anyone to impose themselves in my life ..knowing that I wouldnt want that. I'd want me and the decision to be respected. 

I thought he was sincere...guess not..

This may be a situation that I'll never move on from.

I miss him dearly 

[Capricorn3]

OP, this is the fourth thread you have about this same topic.  Perhaps time to look into professional counseling/therapy to help you get over this as clearly nothing else has worked.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, nattz4512 said:

It's heart wrenching..someone that you care deeply about..used you, Ghosted you, and discarded you like a piece of garbage..with such little regard..

I feel like he genuinely thinks I'm beneath him and that he was doing me a favor by dating me..

This is the kind of self talk that isn't serving you well, just the opposite.

Grief is natural, but healing requires our participation. We get to choose whether we will use the voice we run in our own head to amplify pain and drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of, or whether we will opt instead to use our internal voice as one of a gentle, kind and inspiring coach.

Choosing to use your own voice to talk yourself into deeper grief prevents healing. It's not against the law, but it won't buy you anything of value, such as a glimpse of your skills of resilience and an ability to bounce back from less than desirable experiences.

Head high, and consider using this forum as a way to practice the kind of self talk that can help you to heal.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, this is the fourth thread you have about this same topic.  Perhaps time to look into professional counseling/therapy to help you get over this as clearly nothing else has worked.

I was about to say the same thing. 

At this point, OP, I would look into professioanl support. Venting about it here is fine, but it's obviously not doing much to actually work through your feelings and move past him. 

[nattz4512]

 

I don't need any "professional help. I am a living being with emotions and feelings.. I am still heartbroken and navigating and processing the feelings from someone that I love and dated  ending things abruptly only 3 months ago. .in a way that  was cruel and confusing.  I am trying to navigate daily life being residing in close proximity with this person..as well as other things. 

I thought that I had finally found someone and something  legit and sincere. 

There isn't a timeline on grief, nor should there ever be one.  Also there are many things in our own individual lives that we each will never "get over" and that will remain haunting us the remainder of our lives.  A lot of people have been conditioned to believe everything is "fixable ", everyone can "heal" from everything,  everything can be moved on from...and in an instantaneous manner.

Life doesn't work in this manner.

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

 

I don't need any "professional help. I am a living being with emotions and feelings.. I am still heartbroken and navigating and processing the feelings from someone that I love and dated  ending things abruptly only 3 months ago. .in a way that  was cruel and confusing.  I am trying to navigate daily life being residing in close proximity with this person..as well as other things. 

I thought that I had finally found someone and something  legit and sincere. 

There isn't a timeline on grief, nor should there ever be one.  Also there are many things in our own individual lives that we each will never "get over" and that will remain haunting us the remainder of our lives.  A lot of people have been conditioned to believe everything is "fixable ", everyone can "heal" from everything,  everything can be moved on from...and in an instantaneous manner.

Life doesn't work in this manner.

 

I still grieve for one of my dearest friends who also was my cousin.  She died at 34 and it will be 20 years in a couple of months. I expect to miss her for the rest of my life.  But the issue is when grieving, etc affects you and takes over your life in the way you have been describing.  To me and to the others your way of reacting to this relationship ending is impeding your life and likely your daily functioning.  That's when professional counseling often helps.

Many years ago my friend's mother died.  They were so close and it was after a long illness.  Long time in hospice too.  I suggested to him -and he'd never been to therapy -that at least he seek out grief counseling at work (employee assistance program, and part of his benefits as an employee).  Not because he should get over it -not at all -because if he was struggling perhaps talking to a professional would help him find ways to manage his life that he wasn't/couldn't see.  Moving on doesn't mean you don't grieve the person (and it's fine if the grief fades -I'm no judge of that).  

And for sure you can start a new relationship and still grieve but in a way conducive to also being present for a new partner.  I have certain regrets about how my last relationship ended before the one with my husband.  I do not want to be with him ever again - I regret how it ended and the choices I made and I feel regretful about my choices.

Those regrets exist but I choose not to act on them in ways that could be unhealthy -for example I'd never express them to my husband or my ex.  (I am not in touch with my ex other than being connected on Linkedin but if I wanted to I could be) - because that would needlessly bother either of them or worse. I can ask about my ex to a mutual friend -and I never, ever do - because again even if that person could say something that would resolve my regret the downside would be potentially bad.  These are examples of how people can hold on to feelings -feelings are your feelings -but they're off in the periphery and don't affect your daily life.  If I felt "compelled "to contact my ex and spill my regretful  feelings for "closure" I'd likely need to talk to a therapist.  

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

I don't need any "professional help."

@nattz4512from reading your history this is your 7th thread about this man since September 2023.

Which is fine, if posting on this forum and others as you've stated is helping you cope and heal, I'm all for it and encourage it!

In a few of your threads, you mentioned having "mental issues" and a "mental disability" both direct quotes from your threads. 

So puttimg aside what you're feeling about Mr. Neighbor Man, it's unclear why you don't think you need professional help with respect to those issues - your mental issues and mental disability.

Are you currently under a doctor's care?

I assume not since you said in above quoted you don't need any professional help.

I will be honest, it was somewhat difficult to follow what actually happened between you and this person reading your various threads. 

On one hand, it doesn't sound like you had any sort of romantic serious relationship.  Did you ever go out on dates?  Had he met your mother who you live with and care for?   Did you meet his friends and family? 

You said at one point you discussed the future but then at other points you said he came around occasionally to talk or for sex and would then leave and you felt "used."

My read on this and forgive me if I sound insensitive because I'm actually trying to help you is that much of what you're calling a 'relationship' was a 'fantasy' at least in part.

I do believe it eventually evolved from being mere casual acquaintances in September saying hi in passing to a sort of casual situation wherein he would come by (for sex?) or to talk after which he would leave.

I don't know just my read from all your 7 threads and I DO think the mental issues you have admitted to having have contributed to this situation and your feelings escalating to an obsession.

It makes sense and not judging you for it, I promise you. 

And I DO understand emotions and grieving.  Quite well actually having lost  my dad, mom and brother and had a few long term (years) serious relationships and one marriage end.  I also understand having and experiencing mental issues.

But this situation with neighbor-person is now on a whole n'other level beyond grieving.  It’s been many many months since whatever you had (or thought you had) ended and you are still in the SAME place if not in an even darker place than you were originally.

This is why I believe seeking and talking with a medical professional is so very important.

Nevermind THIS particular person, HE and this situation including your emotions are simply a 'symptom" of the overall mental issues and mental disability YOU yourself have admitted to having many months ago. IMO.

I truly hope you will at least consider it nattz4512.

Therapy has helped me tremendously over the years in coping and healing from the many losses I've experienced and still helps me as I navigate life and relationships in general.

Good luck. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

 A lot of people have been conditioned to believe everything is "fixable ", everyone can "heal" from everything,  everything can be moved on from...and in an instantaneous manner.

Nobody here suggested any of the above - especially not instantaneously. 

But what you are doing isn't working. You are no closer to healing and seem very resistant to anyone suggesting you try something different. 

What advice are you looking for if you won't really help yourself? 

 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

...There isn't a timeline on grief, nor should there ever be one.  Also there are many things in our own individual lives that we each will never "get over" and that will remain haunting us the remainder of our lives.  A lot of people have been conditioned to believe everything is "fixable ", everyone can "heal" from everything,  everything can be moved on from...and in an instantaneous manner.

Life doesn't work in this manner.

 

There is natural grief, and there is 'complex' or 'complicated' grief. There are good people who are trained to help those who suffer the latter. Why is it that most have no problem hiring a plumber or a tax accountant when they need those specific areas of expertise, but when it comes to one's entire quality of life, they would view suggestions of pursuing that specific area of expertise as an insult. Why?

Nobody's suggesting that healing equals forgetting or pretending there's been zero impact. And certainly nobody believes that healing is instantaneous. By the same token, healing requires one to participate in self care--whether it's to apply medicine and wrap a wound, use crutches for a limb in a cast, or follow instructions after a surgery--when it comes to mental and emotional healing, there are certain practices that aggravate and inflame a wound, and there are others that advance progress toward comfort

If any degree of comfort is desirable to you, then pursuing that course rather than aggravating your own wounds is a reasonable course to suggest. There are people who are trained to aid those who are grieving and those who suffer other stresses. You don't need to suffer alone.

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Nobody here suggested any of the above - especially not instantaneously. 

But what you are doing isn't working. You are no closer to healing and seem very resistant to anyone suggesting you try something different. 

What advice are you looking for if you won't really help yourself?

^ This.  OP, can you give us some idea of what exactly you're looking for? If you really don't want advice, perhaps posting in the Journal forum will be helpful to you.

[SooSad33]

On 6/1/2024 at 10:08 PM, nattz4512 said:

I am unsure if I will acknowledge him anymore.  Perhaps I could pretend not to see him...I wish that I could wish away what happened between us...but I can't wish it away ...nor pretend it didn't happen. 

8 months ..and I'm very confused still...I know that I'll probably never get any closure..and hopefully I am strong enough to resist him if ever he were to try and work himself back into my life again..

Currently,  I am not strong enough and would accept him back.

I am gonna say this is because he is too close to you - where you can't properly move on....

Been there.  I have an ex I ended up having 'feelings' for a few yrs back. Sucks! He was way too close for comfort, to where I knew it'd be hard to work on accepting & moving on properly, because he was always right there! 😞 .  Hurt more to see him move on.

Well, last fall they finally moved away! 🙂 .  I no longer see them live their lives across the street... knowing their every move.  I only see him online, when I sign on.

It IS for the best, honestly. 

So, if possible, consider doing the same or this will go on forever! 😕 . Also, as mentioned, journal. Find another way to 'get it out'.

 

[LootieTootie]

I think there is grieving and there is this reliving the past. Can you do both? Sure. But I think when you do way too much of the latter then you arent really trying to move on. In order to heal, you gotta move on.

What do you do to preoccupy your time? Do you have hobbies? Do you have someone you can call and just chat?