Are men suppose to be dominant in a relationship?

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wrote what it meant to me.  Most people who act out of the people pleasing thing lack an edge- because they're fearful of standing out by voicing an opinion or a perspective that might not be a follow the leader kind of thing.  

I didn't find the be yourself advice worked for me in dating because I think often it's used to justify needy/clingy behavior when that is actually not your true self -it's your self who is insecure about a new person and their interest or lack thereof.

I've found that when you know the real true you, most problems like this aren't much of an issue. You naturally gain the confidence in yourself because you have embraced yourself and believe in who you are. You're not fearful of others opinions since that confidence lets you be free to speak your mind. You're not worrying about following the leader or even being the leader. You just have something to say.

I think the issue is that most people haven't fully taken the time to discover who they are at there core. They seek external validation and worry about who they are suppose to be or how they are supposed to act. And that breeds insecurity, lack of confidence, and so many other issues that could be easily avoided. Fully examining yourself is a exhaustive process but pays huge dividends in the end.

As always, if something works for you, then good. Just here to provide an alternative. Alittlehelp can pick and choose what he thinks will work for him. Best of luck.

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

don't if he hasn't taken into account how it might be received -an over the top gesture to a brand new person -consider whether that might be overwhelming. 

First off, we don't know if she was a brand new person.

Secondly, if it was overwhelming for her, then she should have declined and suggested something less "overwhelming."

NOT agree and at the last minute announce she's not comfortable after he made the effort and spent the money.

That's just disrespectful and rude imo.  

Then she gaslights him by accusing him of not being adventurous.

Fwiw, I don't think it was "over the top" at all. It's creative and adventurous.  

And if two people are "into" each other, it can be incredibly romantic!  No matter how early in.

Just me. Other women may not feel same and if so, again they're free to decline and suggest something else. 

 

[ShySoul]

22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Continue doing nice things and giving if it gives you pleasure to do so.

However again, do not allow disrespectful behavior and then gaslighting.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries.   I cannot stress this enough.  

For yourself.  

Agreed. 

This girl did disrespect you. And there are people like that, of any gender. For some people you can't win. Do it one way and they want it another. Do it the other way and they want the first way back. For some they get some kind of enjoyment out of complaining or believing the grass is greener on the other side. If you find yourself in that situation, speak out. And if they can't see what they are doing, respect yourself enough to remove yourself from it.

Really, all comes down to respect. Show respect to her by treating her nice and doing things from the heart. But also show respect to yourself by voicing what you are feeling and not allowing people to take advantage of you.

 

[ShySoul]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fwiw, I don't think it was "over the top" at all. It's creative and adventurous.  

And if two people are "into" each other, it can be incredibly romantic. 

Just me. Other women may not feel same and if so, again they're free to decline and suggest something else. 

Again, all depends on the couple. What one person thinks is over the top, another can find romantic. Had one woman say she would love a slow ride in a horse drawn carriage. Another woman said she would be miserable because of the smell. 

Find the right balance for the two people involved, whatever that balance may be.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Again, all depends on the couple. What one person thinks is over the top, another can find romantic.

Absolutely!  

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just me. Other women may not feel same and if so, again they're free to decline and suggest something else. 

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

think the issue is that most people haven't fully taken the time to discover who they are at there core. They seek external validation and worry about who they are suppose to be or how they are supposed to act. And that breeds insecurity, lack of confidence, and so many other issues that could be easily avoided. Fully examining yourself is a exhaustive process but pays huge dividends in the end.

I do not believe it's most and I believe it's vague as far as "discover" and "core" -for sure some people are way too invested in people pleasing/what others think or following too many "shoulds".  I don't think full examination has to be an exhaustive process in the least -for some it is, some choose to make it so, some who do choose end up feeling -exhausted but not any closer to valuable wisdom or insights.  A number of my aha moments and epiphanies have come when I am just living my life and doin' my thing. Some of it was more exhaustive.  Much of my full examination occurred when I was having to face challenges -educational, professional, relationships, parenting. 

I'm not a contemplate my navel kind of person as a steady diet -but for sure sometimes.  I think the OP hasn't done enough examining of what he truly wants, what his boundaries are etc -for example had I experienced what he did with this woman acting so ungrateful -acting like a jerk actually -I'd have been gone in that situation (meaning not married/no kids, etc).

On that note -for you and for the OP I recommend highly the novel Midnight Library which speaks in a really interesting way IMO to this very topic.

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Again, all depends on the couple. What one person thinks is over the top, another can find romantic. Had one woman say she would love a slow ride in a horse drawn carriage. Another woman said she would be miserable because of the smell. 

Find the right balance for the two people involved, whatever that balance may be.

I think it was given the expense and the several nights away - I wrote that above.  I respect your opinion!

[Batya33]

42 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

First off, we don't know if she was a brand new person.

Secondly, if it was overwhelming for her, then she should have declined and suggested something less "overwhelming."

NOT agree and at the last minute announce she's not comfortable after he made the effort and spent the money.

That's just disrespectful and rude imo.  

Then she gaslights him by accusing him of not being adventurous.

Fwiw, I don't think it was "over the top" at all. It's creative and adventurous.  

And if two people are "into" each other, it can be incredibly romantic!  No matter how early in.

Just me. Other women may not feel same and if so, again they're free to decline and suggest something else. 

 

Yes depending on whether he'd planned it all out already.  I simply mean that before doing something special/out of the goodness of your heart that requires a substantial time commitment and $$$ consider whether your partner might feel overhwelmed -too much too soon.  So even if you "feel" like it also consider your partner.  I've loved getting a dozen roses on a second date and was really put off by receiving an ice cream cake on a second date (we'd casually talked about how for my bday I used to love ice cream cake) because then I had to put it in my freezer -and invite him over later I felt - which I wasn't yet ready to do and it made me feel like he did so to grab an invite into my apartment (I likely was right)

But for sure it's individual -I just mean factor in -as the OP -the other person's possible perspective on the romantic gesture so it's not just a "cause I'm a nice guy and I felt like it". Totally get what you're saying Rainbowroses!

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So even if you "feel" like it also consider your partner.  I've loved getting a dozen roses on a second date and was really put off by receiving an ice cream cake on a second date (we'd casually talked about how for my bday I used to love ice cream cake) because then I had to put it in my freezer -and invite him over later I felt - which I wasn't yet ready to do and it made me feel like he did so to grab an invite into my apartment (I likely was right)

Bat, we are talking about two different things me thinks..

In the above quoted, your date actually bought you roses (which you loved) but you were put off when another date bought you an ice cream cake.

There was no opportunity for you to decline either gesture. They just took it upon themselves and did it. 

Here, the OP's date actually told him hot air balooning was something she would enjoy doing.  He posted that in his second.post. 

Based on this, he planned it and paid for it.  Then at the last minute, she pulled out..

I am not sure what you're suggesting Bat.

That when a woman tells a man about an activity she would enjoy doing, he should  dismiss it because HE thinks it's over the top and might overwhelm her?

Again, SHE told him it was something she would enjoy doing. 

It's different from your examples wherein your dates just did those things without knowing whether it would be received well by you or not. 

But even then, I still think the OP or any man should act from within his own self, IF it gives him pleasure to do so.

NOT from insecurity or a desire to please or external validation.  But again because it gives him pleasure.  I've dated and had relationships with men like this.  They exist. 

Which sounds like how it was/is for the OP too.

Her response to it will provide HIM with valuable information about her in determining if she's a good fit for HIM.

JMO, but acting or not acting in a specific way because he fears how a woman will respond is the wrong way to go.

It's basically 'walking on eggshells' fearful of her response.  Will she like it?  Will it overwhelm her?  Will she like me more?  Will she like me less?  

To me, that sounds more insecure and a desire to please than simply doing what comes from within his own self and letting chips fall where they may.  She either accepts or declines OR appreciates it or doesn't. 

To me, that's confidence. 

Lastly, I am not understanding why you felt you had to invite your date over to yours after he bought you the cake. 

Why is what you felt you 'should' do on him?  All he did was buy you a cake for your birthday which imo was a lovely gesture.

You didn't have to invite him over if it made you uncomfortable.

Suggest something else to do that's all.   Or wait for him to.

Anyway, JMO as always, I'm not trying to change yours.   We can agree to disagree.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Lastly, I am not understanding why you felt you had to invite your date over to yours after he bought you the cake. 

Why is what you felt you 'should' do on him?  All he did was buy you a cake for your birthday which imo was a lovely gesture.

You didn't have to invite him over if it made you uncomfortable.

Off topic -to me it would be rude not to invite him in to have ice cream cake he bought me. Not just a slice of cake- that would have been different.  No I would not have invited him in if I felt unsafe.  He basically asked to come back and have cake.  Then it had to thaw.  Sigh.  The way he acted the very next day confirmed for me that all of his nice stuff - calling me a lot, the cake, etc was out of neediness/clinginess/instability.  That day I reconnected with my future husband so -now on topic OP -when you don't waste time with people who are not your match.... you might open the door to one who is.

On topic - I wrote several times she acted like a jerk.  I wasn't sure of his motivation for this grand gesture given what he wrote about his approach and how he tries to accommodate so much etc - is this kindness in a genuine heartfelt way or mostly a people pleaser way.

[AndyPandy]

On 6/1/2024 at 12:18 AM, Alittlehelpplz said:

how do I fix this problem so I don’t have another girl in the future telling me they don’t feel a spark

From my experience, this whole "spark" thing is a largely cliche that's parroted among people who are looking for a fantasy instead of the grown-up reality that meeting and connecting with people and getting to know them seldom occurs like what's depicted by Hollywood.

It's not a problem to fix. You just need to persist till you meet someone who likes you.

On 6/1/2024 at 1:37 PM, Batya33 said:

I don't like the dynamic at all of "if you don't want me to be bad put me in my place" (which was said to me over 30 years ago by my niece when she was 7 lol).

A 28 year old woman said this to me regarding an episode where she had behaved terribly. At least your niece had the excuse of being 7. 😁

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I think the issue is that most people haven't fully taken the time to discover who they are at there core. They seek external validation and worry about who they are suppose to be or how they are supposed to act. And that breeds insecurity, lack of confidence, and so many other issues that could be easily avoided. Fully examining yourself is a exhaustive process but pays huge dividends in the end.

So true. It took me a while but over the years I've developed a level of self-assuredness that I have a lot to offer those who are perceptive enough to recognise this and if they don't see that then it's too bad for them, not for me.

[Batya33]

As Carrie referred to it in Sex and The City I think the za za za zoom is essential. Or at least the memory of it that can be conjured up. It’s a bit of the glue that helps keep couples together when needed. 

[lostandhurt]

Let me put this into simple terms.  You are a doormat.  You let your partner walk all over you and then you apologize.  Not good and if you are okay with it that is not good either.

 Women want to feel safe, appreciated, adored, respected and listened to plus so many more things I cannot fit on this page.  But they also want to respect you as well.  They want to be with someone that stands up for themselves, has pride in themselves and is not afraid of speaking up.

Being dominant is not a good trait in a relationship but being confident and even a little cocky is as well as being genuine, understanding, funny, relaxed, playful and vulnerable.

 What that women did was wrong and cost you a lot of money and it should not have been let go.  She sounds awful anyways.

 Remember we teach others how to treat us with our own actions.  Your actions or inaction's show them you are kind of spineless and will not stand up for yourself.  That my friend is very unattractive. 

Lost

[AndyPandy]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

As Carrie referred to it in Sex and The City I think the za za za zoom is essential. Or at least the memory of it that can be conjured up. It’s a bit of the glue that helps keep couples together when needed. 

Sex and the City just reaffirms my point about Hollywood's unrealistic depiction of romance but each to their own. 🙂

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

Sex and the City just reaffirms my point about Hollywood's unrealistic depiction of romance but each to their own. 🙂

To me personally it was total reality - I almost settled a couple of times- one of several reasons I know I didn't is because we had that spark and still have it -it can morph/change/even fade at times but what Carrie said is what I genuinely felt and trying to justify settling without it did me no good -nothing to do with society or pressure- just from the heart.  There are many shoulds or  trends I don't agree with like you have to be like "when you know you know" or that marriage should be blissful or that a man should sweep the woman off her feet or "chase".  

But this is just me -I know and know of a number of women especially who settled with eyes wide open -their expectations and goals were consistent with finding a good enough husband who ticked all the boxes including opportunity for a baby.  I also know of women who mostly enjoyed the thrill of the chase/unavailable men so their insistence on a spark was really a spark fueled by unavailability -not the actual person.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

As Carrie referred to it in Sex and The City I think the za za za zoom is essential. Or at least the memory of it that can be conjured up. It’s a bit of the glue that helps keep couples together when needed. 

I always imagined you as a bit of a Charlotte. Am I right? 😄

I love SATC!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I always imagined you as a bit of a Charlotte. Am I right? 😄

I love SATC!

Oh!  So it’s NOT true at ALL but many times I was told I looked like her. I do not think so. And not anymore. I guess I’m most like Charlotte as opposing to Miranda. My ex’s sister was college classmates with her and she didn’t feel comfortable getting back in touch when the show was on. You know too - groupie.  So we didn’t meet. But I did meet Chris Noth once. I am not like him and don’t look like him. And Mikhail Baryshnikov who I sort of ambushed on a flight. No sparks with either lol

[DarkCh0c0]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

. And Mikhail Baryshnikov who I sort of ambushed on a flight

Whaaat 🙈 eeek 🤩

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh!  So it’s NOT true at ALL but many times I was told I looked like her. I do not think so. And not anymore. I guess I’m most like Charlotte as opposing to Miranda

I did mean it personality wise! Very high standards, knows what she wants, family oriented, and so forth. You strike me as such too!

[Cherylyn]

You need to change the way you think entirely. 

Don't be the type who argues,  fights and gets angry. 😡 There is a way to disagree without highly charged emotions and outbursts.  There is a way to remain calm and respectful even though there are issues.  Whether it's important or not,  express your feelings in a mature way for the best outcome.

Don't be seen as a dominant man because most women don't want dominance.  Most women wish to be treated with kindness,  tenderness,  gentleness,  calmness,  respect and consideration in mind.  In other words,  you have to put yourself aside,  be unselfish and treat women (and people) how you would want to be treated. 

You can be assertive,  have self confidence,  high self esteem while possessing class.  There is a way to hold yourself in a dignified manner and treat women with dignity as well.  Try having aplomb and you will get there. 

You can exude confidence by carrying yourself with grace and resolve.  This is how you develop emotional intelligence which is the definition of empathy.

Don't be dominant with anyone committal or not.  Be fair and kind.  When you change your attitude and behavior,  you will draw the type of woman who knows how to behave with honor as well.  It works both ways.  You ought to try it by changing your tack.

The spark is kept alive when you sparkle and make yourself look more attractive.  Women perceive your soul.  Make a positive impression.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Whaaat 🙈 eeek 🤩

I did mean it personality wise! Very high standards, knows what she wants, family oriented, and so forth. You strike me as such too!

Thanks so much! I did relate to her a lot! And I did approach Mikhail B- recognized him on the flight and couldn't resist. He was displeased that I did.  I kept it short.

I did not want a man who wanted to be "dominant" - I did want a man with reasonable confidence and assertiveness -and because I was a professional who dated men who mostly were professionals- those traits to me are really important to advance in most workplaces -they were in my career.  I agree with Cherylyn that dominant is not the right way to describe it.  

[yogacat]

I'm not sure being dominant really has anything to do with it. I've known plenty of dominant men, and it doesn't determine whether I feel a "spark" or not. What I'm looking for goes beyond just dominance or assertiveness.

It's about mutual respect, shared values, and real chemistry. I want someone who can communicate well, show empathy, and genuinely understand me. Feeling seen and appreciated for who I am, not just fitting into a certain role, is what truly creates that spark for me.

Now, booking the hot air balloon and her saying you're not adventurous enough when she’s the one who chickened out at the last minute, that’s just ironic!

So, yeah, let’s focus on finding that real spark, not just trying to fit into some adventurous stereotype.

Because, honestly, she sounds like she’s the one who needs to step up her game, not you!

 

[Voyatic]

Yeah, that's a tough spot. It sounds like you're a genuinely caring guy who wants to make his partner happy, but it might be swinging a little too far into "people-pleaser" territory. Here's the thing, confidence isn't about dominance, it's about knowing your worth and being comfortable in your own skin. Maybe we can explore ways to express that confidence while staying true to yourself?

 

[smackie9]

There are times you need to be a little aloof/distant, and not so eager to please. Let them earn it. Women like a little challenge. Taking the lead is all you need to do...not spend mounds of money to have them like you. 

[Alittlehelpplz]

Update: we broke up a few weeks ago and now she’s texting me apologizing and saying she wishes she would have done other things in our relationship. That she had one foot outside the door the whole relationship and it caused issues for us. 
she told me the chemistry made it difficult for us and she wishes she could go back and start over. 
 

I said the same and we kept talking about what we would have done differently. 
 

I’m tempted to ask her why she texted me. Is she looking closure or to start over. 
 

Is that ok? I asked a friend and they said it was to pushy while she’s trying to figure things out 

[DarkCh0c0]

9 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

That she had one foot outside the door the whole relationship and it caused issues for us. 

She was not that into you. She had one foot outside the door? 

Well, she might as well stay out. Someone who truly wants you wouldn't risk losing you.

This is where you need to stand up to yourself and NOT go back on your word. Reduce the chat and move on.  She might be trying to relieve her own guilt by telling you all this, but let this stop here for your own sake.

10 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I asked a friend and they said it was to pushy while she’s trying to figure things out 

Your friend's advice sounds good. Honestly, you're wasting your precious time and attention.

14 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I’m tempted to ask her why she texted me. Is she looking closure or to start over.

Do you want her back after all what happened?