Getting engaged in a couple of months, but should I?...

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

Nobody has to read your mind.  If you want something specific in your relationship speak up.   If you don't say anything it's your fault, not theirs that you aren't getting what you want. 

My husband is a shy introvert who does not easily express himself verbally & who did not grow up in a demonstrative household.   He wasn't very affection when we first met & rarely talked.  That was an early point of contention until I said I wanted to be kissed hello & goodbye; I wanted to end all conversations with I love you and expected we would hold hands or link arms when walking together.  Doing those things never dawned on my then BF, now husband.  When I explained specifically what I wanted he was happy to give them to me because I was clear.  Had I not spoken up we probably would have broken up rather than being on our way to celebrating 16 years of marriage.  

Fair enough TeeDee I'm glad it worked for you and your husband.

It would not work for ME, for reasons I previously stated. 

Again I either accept what a man chooses to give on his own from his own heart which I happen to believe is instinctive OR I leave.  He's not the only man in the world. 

It also may be personality types.   I have no desire to teach a man how to treat me or how to express his emotions. 

Not my thing, it would turn me off to have to do that.  

Would you hold my hand?  Would you kiss me more?  Would you tell me you love me more?  Would you buy me gifts?   

And in Mike's case it's what his EX did after all....  I dunno, sigh.  Not my thing. 

Anyway, no wrong or right and again I'm glad it worked positively for you and your husband.

I suppose after reading both opinions, and others, Mike can decide what's best for him in his relationship.

Although I personally don't believe that's what this is even about. 

He still has feelings for his ex, if he didn't there would be no need to compare in the first place. 

JMO. 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

F. Scott Peck wrote romantic love, infatuation, that spark, that high you feel is a form of 'temporary insanity.' 

Correction:  M. Scott Peck in his book "The Road Less Traveled." 😀

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, mike3610 said:

When I first met my gf we had a great connection and because we had similar goals and values along with good conversation I decided to make her my gf. In the past 4 years that her and I have been together my emotions change. Sometimes I feel like "This is it!" and other times I don't. Is this just the ebb and flow of a relationship? Should I leave to see if I can find that feeling?

It's really not fair to compare any woman to a girl you dated a little over a year who still lived at home with her parents. Therefore, you didn't have the stress of keeping house together, paying bills, arguments over who does what chore, etc. Everything was fun dates with a relationship that was still shiny new when it ended.

In this highlighted quote, does this mean that you basically got along from the start like two friends but that the special chemistry that makes your heartbeat race in the beginning when you receive a text from her, or when you're about to meet up for a date was missing? That you sometimes just didn't relish looking at her a little longer than usual because she's so damned pretty?

I only know that for me, the chemistry has to be there and then I'd look to see if everything else matched. If there wasn't a spark, even if I thought the guy was attractive and nice, that was a dealbreaker for me.

Certainly there is an ebb and flow in relationships. Though I sometimes get irritated with my husband, or bored, etc., I've never once questioned if I shouldn't have married him, or that I should divorce him, nor do I fantasize that being with any other man will bring me more happiness.

What would you think about your girlfriend thinking what you're thinking now? How she'd still be with her first bf if he hadn't moved away and how nobody long term has measured up to him since. But now that she's in a decent relationship at a watershed moment, fear is holding her back from leaving in case nobody else matches her values. If when I was dating my husband I knew he'd be thinking this, I'd rather be released so I could eventually find someone who couldn't imagine life without me.

I do agree with one other poster that if you aren't 100 percent sure about a major decision like marriage, don't do it.

[Seraphim]

It sounds like the difference between puppy love and a mature relationship with mature adults. I have been married 30 years and together almost 35, the crazy soul stirring early love becomes more mature and stable . 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, mike3610 said:

oooo I get it. You had doubts at first, but the second time around you were 1000% sure and it ended up working out, but if you had doubts again you would not have married him..... got it... I was a little confused haha. 

No I wasn't 100% sure at all times -I was reasonably sure and excited to be marrying him -at times I felt 100% sure but I don't want to say I never had jitters. I was 100% sure I wanted to marry him for all the right reasons including love and passion.  Also I'll share - it didn't "end up working out" at least not for us - to me relationships take work -maintenance - and I wrote about how I self-talk, learned humility, was inspired to be more type B - that is good work -not a chore -but it's active -it's not a car wash of "ok we ended up working out" - that's -too passive for me.

[Capricorn3]

12 hours ago, mike3610 said:

 Sometimes I feel like "This is it!" and other times I don't. Is this just the ebb and flow of a relationship? Should I leave to see if I can find that feeling?

I have always gone with the phrase "when in doubt, don't". It has saved me many times from making the wrong decision.  That doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone should do what is right for them.  Your girlfriend also deserves someone who can give her what she needs.

Maybe time for the both of you to lay all your cards on the table so that you both have a clear understanding on which way this relationship is heading.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Maybe time for the both of you to lay all your cards on the table so that you both have a clear understanding on which way this relationship is heading.

Yes, ^^^this.

It's one thing to have doubts and drag your feet. It's another to do that while hiding your doubts from the one who is fully invested in you because she believes that marriage and children are in your future together with her.

If you're just going to hold onto her for fear of going solo and to prevent her from finding happiness with someone else, that's all about you, and it's selfish.

[tattoobunnie]

On 5/31/2024 at 1:05 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

One shouldn't have to tell your gf/bf how to speak to you or how to act towards you. . 

What we express to our partners and our actions should come from within our own hearts not because we're told to or even asked to. 

I disagree here.  You should always be honest with your needs, and tell your partner what you need.  It's up to them to make the effort, and up to the requester to understand where they are coming from.  Compromise and communication counts.   It takes time and experience to adult, which includes growing into being in a healthy, long lasting relationship.

Expecting someone to just know what to do all the time sets everyone up for failure.

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Expecting someone to just know what to do all the time sets everyone up for failure.

To clarify, I don't expect a man or anyone to read my mind or know what I need. 

What I do expect is that a man gives what HE chooses to give, what HE desires to give which comes instinctively from his own heart. 

It's MY job to determine if what he gives is right for me and if it's not, I wish him well and move on.  And find a man who can give what I need without being forced to tell him.  

I've never found anything positive by asking or telling a man what to do, how to behave, what to say, what to give based on what I need.

Sure he might acquiesce however is it truly what he desires to give coming from within his own heart? 

OR is he simply doing it to appease me?  

In my experience, my own and others, it's the latter and it's typically short lived. 

Not always as in @TeeDeecase, 16 years, and I'm happy her husband complied and continues to comply and they're both happy.

It's just not in my nature nor my style, that's all.  And never will be...

Again, I either accept what he gives or if I can't, I wish him well and leave and find a man who's a better fit for me and vice versa. 

 

[TeeDee]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've never found anything positive by asking or telling a man what to do, how to behave, what to say, what to give based on what I need.

Sure he might acquiesce however is it truly what he desires to give coming from within his own heart? 

OR is he simply doing it to appease me?  

Trying to change somebody is bad.  However, asking for what you need is part of open & honest communication.  

In another example from my own relationship / marriage.  My husband never went on vacation before me.  In part that was because he didn't have the money.  But I like to travel. So I asked if he wanted to go on a trip.  

Would you really sit there, being upset & then breaking up because the person you were dating didn't suggest a vacation? That doesn't feel healthy either. 

As for the vacations themselves, we compromise there too. he likes active adventures. . . exploring a city or taking these long, physically demanding hikes.  I want to sit on a beach & read, which he can't stand.  Our vacation preferences don't mean we don't love each other.  Rather our mutual willingness to acquiesce & do things the other ones loves but that we don't like proves how much we love each other because we are willing to do things for our partners.  Compromise is part of a healthy marriage & you don't always have to be 4-square perfectly in synch about everything to have it work.  

I'm inferring some rigidity in your responses & it comes across as negative & uncompromising but from your other posts you seem caring, so I think it's how you're expressing this.  If you think that the only way a relationship can be successful is that your partner knows what you want because they want the same thing, I fear you are missing out.  

Again I'm not suggesting you or anybody else endeavors to change fundamental values but IMO people should ask for what they want / need in a healthy relationship.   There's a middle ground between all or nothing.  

Similarly to bring this back to the OP, if there are things in his relationship that @mike3610needs to strengthen & improve his relationship, IMO he should speak up before simply ending things.  

[rainbowsandroses]

@TeeDee again I think I'm being misunderstood but I'm off to work and don't have much time to explain.

Only to say when my boyfriend isn't able to meet my needs whatever those needs may be, I don't sit there being upset and break up. 

I accept that he's not the right fit and graciously move on.  This typically happens early in during beginning stages. 

That said, it not black and white, it's nuanced.  Of course there are times like the vacation example you quoted wherein I am extremely flexible and realize that relationships consist of a healthy give and take. 

I was referring mostly to the OP's situation wherein he mentioned that his EX had showered him with attention, gave lots of PDA, bought him gifts, etc and the advice was to tell his current girlfriend that he would like her, that he needs her, to do same. 

I didn't and don't agree with that. That's all. 

But again, yes it's nuanced and when warranted I speak up, voice concerns, and am flexible.

Hope that clarifies better. 😀

 

[Cherylyn]

Stop comparing your fiancee to your ex.  If you have to ask here on this forum whether or not you should go through with marrying her,  cancel the engagement.  Do both of yourselves a favor and do a reset for yourself.  It's not fair to your betrothed to be with a man who hasn't figured out if a future with her is solid or not.  You're doubtful which is not a good sign.  Better to tell your fiancee the truth so you can figure out what you want in your life and give her a chance to quit wasting her time and energy with a man who is uncertain about her and your future with her.  Either you know without a doubt or you don't.  Apparently,  you are unsure so dissolve and exit the engagement so you can find yourself.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I feel you're just not that 'into her' .  We can't make ourselves 'love' someone - vice versa.

And you don't just give in to please the other person like this! Don't live a lie.. that's terrible.

By sounds of it, you're still stuck on your past - or is it just you comparing the relationships?  Only YOU know what you're feeling, but any doubts, don't go there. 

For what reasons are you talking marriage anyways? Feeling pressures from her?  Some people never do marry or some may go over 10 yrs before they even consider it.

I always think that if you're not feeling it within the first 6 mos or so, it's not there.

So, it's your choice.. to continue with this one & give it some more time .. or not.  But do not agree on marriage just because you're feeling pressure or due to 'expectations'.