Should I contact my boyfriend?

[JandJMom]

I want to text my boyfriend, but I don't think that I should...

We just came back from visiting his family 14 hours away.  We were driving back yesterday, we were talking about how we had a good time up there and then he talked about how the kids played and entertained themselves.  He's always mad about my kids.  Says they don't listen, how they just want to be under me all the time, but then will go on to say that they're just kids.  But he told me that they'll never be like the kids there (playing in the woods, just walking around town, stuff like that) because I coddle them and they'll never leave.  That's not true.  My daughter goes out with her friends and works.  My son goes to school, practice, then wants to play his PlayStation.  They do like to hangout with me and I like being with them, but they're 16 and 9.  I don't think theyre much different than any other kids their age.  They could help more around the house and I agreed with him when he said that, but other than that, they're good kids.  I told him that they don't do the stuff those kids do because they didn't grow up like that.  My kids will not have fun chopping up wood in the woods, just not what the kids here do.  But he said that I was arguing with him.  I wasn't yelling or anything, I was just telling him.  He told me I always get "***y" and argue with him any time I bring up "my precious children." Told me that I make it so that he doesn't want to hang out with them because he feels like he can't say anything to them, which isn't true, but it's whatever.  At that point, I stopped talking.  I didn't ignore him, I answered him if he asked a question, but I didn't go out of my way to make conversation with him.  

A couple of hours later, he asked me what was wrong with me?  I told him that I just didn't really want to talk because whenever we were having a conversation and I say something he doesn't agree with, he says I'm arguing with him and I don't want to do that.  I don't want to argue.  I also made a comment, that I didn't need him to tell me how to drive, that I've driven long distance a million times.  I actually took over driving because he "spaced out" and almost crashed my car.  We spun out on the highway.  I didn't say that to him though.  But he flipped out. Started yelling at me, telling me that I just like to tell him he's wrong about everything, that he just being the "copilot" but that he guesses that I don't know what that means because I sucked at it.  Just pissed off.  I told him that I wasn't trying to make him mad and that I didn't mean it how it came out.  He told me that he didn't know why we were together if I just wanted to do everything by myself, driving and the kids.  I told him that's not true, but he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore.  So we go a few more hours of not really talking, but then we get almost home and he starts making snide comments about my driving.  He was actually being really mean about it and I told him to relax, it was raining, I couldn't really see and I didn't want to drive so fast.   He told me to just shut up and drive.  So I told him to shut up and just go to sleep.  And then he started yelling at me again.  At this point, I just start bawling. I couldn't even help it anymore.  I told him I didn't even know what was happening and why he was so mad at me.  It was like 10 at night, we'd be in the car for 12 hours already, I just wanted to go home.  He told me to stop crying and stop with the pity party and that he couldn't wait to get home.  I tried to apologize, and he just told that he didn't want to talk about it.  We got home a little after midnight, he threw his stuff in his truck and drove back to his house.  I haven't heard from him since.  

I'm so upset because I don't like fighting.  I don't want him to feel like I don't need him.  With the kids, I do think he's a little harsh, lacking patience.  He always tells me that he raised two kids, but I still think it's a little different.  I don't know what to do.  I want to call him and just apologize.  But then again, he's never yelled at me before.  Never actually been that mad.  And I'm so hurt by the comments he was making.  He was like a child last night.  Never told me to shut up.  He just made me feel so stupid last night.  I don't know how to explain it.  And I know he's not going to apologize, he never does.  I dont know what I should do.

[bluecastle]

I'm having trouble understanding this urge...

15 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I want to call him and just apologize.

...in light of this fact: 

15 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

He just made me feel so stupid last night.

So perhaps the question to ask is: Do you want to call him and apologize, or do you want him to morph into the kind and caring human being he has shown you that he is not? 

 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, this is not a man with whom I'd ever want contact again.

He's jealous of your children, he's mean and judgmental of you. In my book, if he's not 'adding value' to my life, he's an adversary. One who is distracting me from finding a better lover who actually LIKES me.

[JandJMom]

6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'm having trouble understanding this urge...

...in light of this fact: 

So perhaps the question to ask is: Do you want to call him and apologize, or do you want him to morph into the kind and caring human being he has shown you that he is not? 

 

I don't know.  He's never spoken to me that way.  Never acted that way.  Maybe I'm not making him feel needed or whatever it is he needs to feel.  Last night was something I've never experienced from him 😔

[bluecastle]

You say this in reply to my post...

30 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

Never acted that way.

But in your opening you said this: 

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

He's always mad about my kids.

Which makes me think the way he acted was not out of the blue, or out of character, but perhaps just a more extreme version of something you've seen (while trying very hard to pretend otherwise). 

Regardless, in your shoes right now I would not be thinking about how to apologize in order to reel him back, but if his leaving in a huff, painful as it is in the moment, might be the best thing for you and your children. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

He was actually being really mean about it and I told him to relax, it was raining, I couldn't really see and I didn't want to drive so fast.   He told me to just shut up and drive.  So I told him to shut up and just go to sleep.  And then he started yelling at me again.  At this point, I just start bawling. I couldn't even help it anymore.  I told him I didn't even know what was happening and why he was so mad at me.  It was like 10 at night, we'd be in the car for 12 hours already, I just wanted to go home.  He told me to stop crying and stop with the pity party and that he couldn't wait to get home.  I tried to apologize, and he just told that he didn't want to talk about it.  We got home a little after midnight, he threw his stuff in his truck and drove back to his house.  I haven't heard from him since.  

Please read the bolded.  Cut and paste to your fridge!  Until it fully sinks in, please.

First off, you should be thankful you have not heard from him.   I know this goes against what your heart is saying but it's important to use both your heart AND your head, emotions AND logic in a situation like this.  

Sweetie this relationship is OVER.   When your 'boyfriend' tells you to stop crying and stop with the pity party and/or speaks to you in such a disrespectful and cruel manner, the LAST thing you should do or even want to do is apologize.

Personally I have ZERO tolerance for this type of BS anymore, none, nada, zilch.   ONE strike he's out!

Don't care if he's stressed, doesn't feel well, working too hard, doesn't feel "needed," this type of treatment (abuse?) is unnecessary, debasing and cruel.

Please STOP blaming yourself because HE is a disrespectful, verbally abusive a-hole!!  Does this make sense to you?

I think you should pack up the rest of his belongings, place them on your front porch or yard, send him a text telling him to come get them ASAP or you will donate to Salvation Army and never contact you again.

Then block him.

It will hurt for awhile but I can almost guarantee that eventually when you get over the shock of the breakup, you will feel empowered for doing so and much MUCH better.

Take care of you, because trust me HE won't.  He sounds like a dreadful and horrible human being.

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

I haven't heard from him since.  

I don't know why on Earth you'd want to. Your self-worth is in the gutter, which would be solely your problem if you wanted to go back for more verbal punishment. But you have children who didn't ask to be brought into the world, and it's your job to be their protector. They come before any man in your life.

Do you really think it's in their best interest to see you've chosen someone to be around you and them who tells you to shut up? Someone who makes you bawl instead of easing your troubles? Someone who is trying to convince you how to parent when he obviously is a jerk and doesn't know how to be a mature, caring adult?

Please breakup with this abuser if he contacts you again. Perhaps you've never been in a healthy relationship if you don't recognize this one as unhealthy. Try speaking to a therapist if you are having trouble practicing self-love and doing what's best for your children, so that they are living in a happy, healthy environment.

[smackie9]

Surly you can't be with someone who decides he has no choice to be this abusive when agitated. To him there was some kind of tipping point...I say this has been building up for some time now. Whatever his deal is the bottom line he's not been happy...cooing over him, rubbing/kissing his feet is not your answer in what to do. He shouldn't be rewarded for such vulgar behavior towards you. I say punt him to the curb. 

[JandJMom]

36 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Surly you can't be with someone who decides he has no choice to be this abusive when agitated. To him there was some kind of tipping point...I say this has been building up for some time now. Whatever his deal is the bottom line he's not been happy...cooing over him, rubbing/kissing his feet is not your answer in what to do. He shouldn't be rewarded for such vulgar behavior towards you. I say punt him to the curb. 

He's literally never acted like that before.  We have disagreements, he says I'm arguing with him, but he's not yelling or insulting me.  He did lose his job about a month ago and it's been harder than I think he thought to get another job.  I've been by his side, helping him wherever.  He just was angry last night 😢 but I think he crossed a line last night.  I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me, so I guess it's whatever.  I'll probably break down, but I'm trying my hardest not to.  I know I don't need him.  I've gotten through worse, but I've introduced him to my whole family, my kids.  😔😔

[JandJMom]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

I don't know why on Earth you'd want to. Your self-worth is in the gutter, which would be solely your problem if you wanted to go back for more verbal punishment. But you have children who didn't ask to be brought into the world, and it's your job to be their protector. They come before any man in your life.

Do you really think it's in their best interest to see you've chosen someone to be around you and them who tells you to shut up? Someone who makes you bawl instead of easing your troubles? Someone who is trying to convince you how to parent when he obviously is a jerk and doesn't know how to be a mature, caring adult?

Please breakup with this abuser if he contacts you again. Perhaps you've never been in a healthy relationship if you don't recognize this one as unhealthy. Try speaking to a therapist if you are having trouble practicing self-love and doing what's best for your children, so that they are living in a happy, healthy environment.

😔 My self worth has been terrible since my ex husband.  We've been together two years and other than a few disagreements, we've been good.  And we had such a nice vacation together.  I'm just sad 😔

[rainbowsandroses]

50 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I'll probably break down, but I'm trying my hardest not to. 

I would just like to add that IF you do break down and contact him, remember this:

We teach people how to treat us.

We teach them through our actions and how WE respond to their actions.

Here, he treated you in a very debasing, cruel and one could say abusive way.

If you contact him, you are thus "teaching" him that his atrocious behavior is acceptable to you, it sends him a powerful message and speaks volumes to your lack of self-esteem, self-love and maintaining proper boundaries.

As such, you can expect the SAME treatment to happen again. 

I am sorry but I envision nothing good or positive here whatsoever.

That is why as I said in my previous I have zero tolerance.  It's the beginning of the end and for ME I would prefer to have the end happen quickly versus prolonged and drawn out with future lash-outs and arguments following by withdrawal ultimately culminating in the same result anyway.

I do wish you luck though and wish I could be more positive.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

11 hours ago, JandJMom said:

He's never spoken to me that way.  Never acted that way. 

How long have you been together? 

A LOT of what you wrote is sadly behaviour I've know with my abusive parent. If you haven't been together for 1.5+ years, I'm not surprised you've not seeing his true colours yet. He got you to be attached to him and have feelings for him, and now he tests the water this way.  He's happy to talk to you like tr@sh to see if you put up with it. This is just the start.

And honestly YOU should be upset and disappointed about this. Not him!!

The way he talked to you is absolutely inappropriate, disrespectful, and controlling. YOU should be running to the hills. He might beg, plead, cry, scream, or guilt trip you in response to you leaving him (all part of the  manipulation), but you need to stay away from him AND keep your children away from him. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They don't deserve this (and neither do you).

[DarkCh0c0]

7 hours ago, JandJMom said:

My self worth has been terrible since my ex husband.  We've been together two years and other than a few disagreements, we've been good. 

I just saw your answer here. It's pretty normal to start seeing his colours now, specially if you stay at your own places separately (thankfully).

That's what they do. There are often early signs to his abusive behaviour, but they are not always easy to identify if you have a low self esteem. 

I would be very thankful that you only spent two years, and just part ways. He's not the one, and he won't be the one. All what you experienced with him in the car is a taster of what you will have more coming for yourself and your kids.

The only way out of this is to part ways with him. Make sure he doesn't have your apartment keys.

You are worthy of a healthy and loving partner. Someone who builds you up, rather than tears you down. You got this 🩷

[DarkCh0c0]

12 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I want to text my boyfriend, but I don't think that I should

You have your answer already. Trust yourself.

[Kwothe28]

I may have a different opinion. He seems to think you “coddled” your kids way too much. You didnt wrote about kids dad so he maybe isnt in their life anymore. So, in time, a proper separation between you and kids isnt made. Which means they are still dependent on you. Understandable if you were a single mom but still creates a problem for them. And you if we are talking about your dating life. And it will in the future.

This however doesnt give him a right to yell at you and insults you. That is unacceptable at every level and you shouldnt stand for that.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

He seems to think you “coddled” your kids way too much. You didnt wrote about kids dad so he maybe isnt in their life anymore. So, in time, a proper separation between you and kids isnt made. Which means they are still dependent on you. Understandable if you were a single mom but still creates a problem for them. And you if we are talking about your dating life. And it will in the future.

I think it's fine for him to comment respectfully if she asked for parenting input.  Also fine for him to say "I am not comfortable with how much time  you spend with your kids -it's not a good fit for me for a relationship"

I stopped calling one close friend on the phone because if her adult daughter texted I got interrupted no matter what.  Like "can I eat ___ for lunch if it's 3 days old in my fridge".  On the flip side I basically got dumped by a good friend because when my son was 2 I wouldn't get a sitter for a dinner date to meet her new boyfriend with my husband along - I offered a number of alternatives and none of them suited her.  She couldn't relate to why I wouldn't get a sitter for him.  None of her business actually. 

But also her perogative to decide she only wanted friends who could meet for dinner at night, child-free.  Another friend couldn't relate to why I wouldn't leave my sleeping baby alone in a high rise building to run down to the lobby to meet her boyfriend -"just for a minute".  Um.  Oh well.

No one has to agree with your parenting even a partner- but they either have to defer to you or tell you what boundaries they will have if they don't.  Exception is one partner's kids shouldn't be rude to their' parents' partner - but I mean that goes beyond kids.  And no he shouldn't yell at you and all the other jerky crap -I agree wholeheartedly with everyone else.

Separately of course we all reevaluate our parenting from time to time so if what he said rings true you might choose to change how you parent/change how you relate to your kids.

[JandJMom]

Thank you everyone.  Like an idiot, I texted him "Good morning" this morning.  It's been a few hours, he hasn't texted back.  And, I don't know, I'm so sad.  Just so sad.  I'm at work, trying not to completely break down.  

I usually go to his house on Thursdays, because my kids are at their dad's.  I don't know if I should go to his house and try to talk to him in person.  Or if I should just let it go until he contacts me.  Or just do what a lot of you have said and just block him.  I don't have many people to talk to.  I have friends, but I don't really like airing out all of my issues with them.  But I'm so sad.  I really loved him.  Looking forward to a future with him.  And a part of me feels so stupid for crying about it.  I wish I had just let it all go 😢 I really really do.  I hate this feeling.  My kids are going to ask me where he is.  And my family will.  We spent a lot of time together, with the kids and without.  I don't want them to look badly on him. I don't know.  I'm just scared.  I don't want to be alone 😢

[Crawfords Wine]

16 hours ago, JandJMom said:

but I've introduced him to my whole family, my kids.

And you can re-introduce him...this time as your ex boyfriend.

[smackie9]

Stop letting him win. As soon as you texted him, he knows you are suffering...he's feeling jubilant right now. 

[Crawfords Wine]

4 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

My kids are going to ask me where he is.  And my family will. 

Then tell them. Tell them you are having some major disagreements on some very important matters, i.e. your children. Tell them that because of this you are re-evaluating your relationship and future with this man.

 

6 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I don't want them to look badly on him.

Why is this more important to you than his appalling treatment of you, and his low opinion of your parenting skills and of your kids?

 

8 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I don't want to be alone

I think this may well be the crux of the problem. You'd rather stay with an absolute flatworm of a man than be on your own. Perhaps it's something a therapist or counsellor can help you with, as it's really not a healthy way to live for you, or your kids.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

50 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

And a part of me feels so stupid for crying about it.  I wish I had just let it all go 😢 I really really do.

You don't know my history but it's not that far off from what you're experiencing.

Like you wished you had done (bolded) at times I would let things go, brushed it under the rug, made nice, etc etc.

Long story short, doing so really messed me up!  It lowered my self-esteem lower than it already was and set the stage for future mistreatment, disrespect and abuse. 

My take on this is your boyfriend has very little respect for you and that did not begin with this recent incident.

His lack of respect and perhaps even loathing began a long time ago even though he went through the motions of hiding it.  And it culminated with this recent experience.

Which is why I said earlier this is DONE.  There is really no coming back from this to anything even remotely healthy and mutually rewarding, I'm sorry. 

Are you in therapy?  Apologies if you previously mentioned. 

Somehow you need to find a way to start loving yourself.

Something I've learned through my own experiences, combined with reading, therapy and observing the world and those in it is never ever love a man more than yourself.

Especially a man who has such little respect for you and whom I question whether or not he loves you!

I do not think a man who truly loves you would (1) have spoken to you and treated you the way he did or (2) be ignoring you now.

That is NOT love.

I also question whether you actually love him!  What I've also learned is that one cannot truly love another if they don't first love themselves.

You say you're scared and don't want to be alone.  That is not love, it's need and dependency.  Which is an entirely different thing. 

Don't ever allow your fears and loneliness to steer your ship, it's a huge recipe for further mistreatment, disrespect, pain, disappointment, hurt AND abuse.

I am actually afraid for you now having your current mindset. 

Please seek therapy and wishing you all the best. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

I wish I had just let it all go 😢 I really really do

Why? Because you're a conflict avoidant and pushover?

You need to learn to have the spine and courage to draw a line in the sand towards how people treat you. 

He treated you badly and HE is in the wrong here. Don't turn this around on you and internalise this. HE is the one with the bad behaviour. 

We're not saying he's a fully bad person. An abusive person has good and bad sides like everyone. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to attract people nor interact with them. But emotional abuse should be your big red flag that makes you run the other way. If you don't feel this way, then maybe you should reflect on why it's the case. Loneliness is a normal feeling that many of us go through, and you shouldn't make such threatening decisions out of fear of it.

[Andrina]

With time and distance away from him, believe me, your perspective will be far clearer and you will realize breaking up was the best decision possible.

Challenges, even when emotionally hard, are something you need to expect and deal with with resilience, knowing this step is setting you up for a happier next chapter of your life. Let yourself grieve the loss so that you can move on to the healing stage. That will likely take a minimum of 4 to 6 months before you stop thinking of him daily if you do it right. 

Feeling temporarily lonely is better than having a partner who is verbally abusive.

Ending things and working toward achieving self-love will put you in a better mindset to accept and attract only decent men.

If you don't want to share details of why the breakup happened to anyone, simply say something like: I decided it's best we go our separate ways. Talking about it is something I want to avoid right now. Maybe one day I'll choose to share more.

You're not alone in accepting a poorly chosen partner. I've done so several times, and later realized my poor self-worth contributed to those mistakes. But those experiences taught me more about myself and how to improve in many areas. My hard work finally culminated in achieving success in the romance department. When you end being around toxicity, it leaves you free to eventually find a man who will treat you as the special person you are.

[LootieTootie]

OH no hun... This man does not respect you nor does he value you. 

Take this as a blessing in disguise that he is doing you a huge favor. Giving you that space to realized what a gaslighting jerk he is and what little self-esteem you have.

You have a 16 year old daughter, so this is a time where she is picking up how a man treats a woman. Do not let this be okay. Show your daughter that a woman should be treated with mutual respect, support and love by their counterpart.

I hope you guys weren't arguing in front of the kids but if you were, I would talk to the kids and let them know this isn't right when someone tells another to shut up or when someone is crying. It's demeaning and hurtful. No one deserves that.

 

[AndyPandy]

On 5/29/2024 at 7:27 PM, JandJMom said:

...he's never yelled at me before.  Never actually been that mad.  And I'm so hurt by the comments he was making.  He was like a child last night.  Never told me to shut up.  He just made me feel so stupid last night.

Every abuser has a watershed moment when they begin unleashing abusive and toxic behaviour for the first time. The victim is then thrown because the abuse has seemingly appeared out of the blue and appears to be alien to their personality. However it's not - this is who they really are and always have been. They're just no longer bothering to conceal it.

On 5/30/2024 at 12:09 PM, Batya33 said:

No one has to agree with your parenting even a partner- but they either have to defer to you or tell you what boundaries they will have if they don't.  Exception is one partner's kids shouldn't be rude to their' parents' partner...

Having been on the receiving end of this treatment, I agree wholeheartedly.