will ex one day reach out to me again?

[JamesTaylor7892]

Hi there

A month ago a girl I was dating who I was quite in to ended it. I felt we had a good thing however her reasons did seem valid given that she is about to go through what could be a messy divorce with her ex and they have two young kids involved. She had been separated for a year and had been on a few dates before she met me, but when we did meet there was just an instant connection and we very much enjoyed each others company for a number of weeks. I have been told I was more than likely a rebound given how full on she was (for example a couple of weeks into dating she introduced me t her brother and her mum on facetime on two separate occasions among other things). 

However a month ago she broke it off citing the upcoming divorce as a reason feeling 'overwhelmed' and 'needing space.' I should say that when we were dating that we would speak almost daily but at no point did I ever feel like each of us were over doing it as we both lead quite busy lives. I couldn't help but feel upset but I responded in the best way I knew how which was to respect her honesty and her decision and let her know that if ever one day she wanted to reach out again she could, and we have had absolutely no contact with each other since.

Since this ended I have been on a couple of dates however I think the rejection by her maybe cut me a little more deep than I initially thought, and couldn't help but always feel distracted or not completely myself. I've decided to take a break from dating for a bit to allow myself time to heal from this, going to the gym more, pursuing hobbies and hanging out with friends. 

The one thing that I suppose triggered me recently (hence why I am here posting for advice) is that whenever I would post a story on Instagram (as that's the only social media platform she follows me on aside from Whatsapp), she was always one of the first people to view it. I normally will post a story once a week and this habit did not change but I'd be lying if I said that the stories I were posting weren't anything to do with showing that I was doing okay, when in reality I wasn't really. Even so, I took a break from the stories for a couple of weeks and then very recently noticed that she blocked me.

I do think an ex is an ex for a reason though I did find this behaviour a little odd considering we ended on very amicable terms, and I should mention she hasn't blocked me on Whatsapp... yet. I guess my question is why am I so triggered by her doing this? While I know I really shouldn't worry or care about it because she is now the past, but it does feel like another level of rejection and I suppose I've been struggling in my head to come to terms with it. I've tried to stay on the straight and narrow while I take this time to really focus on myself but I can't help but feel a little hurt by it.

Also, given what I've explained above I have no intention of reaching out to her again (considering how we left it), and while I know none of you have a crystal ball do you think that one day she may reach out again?

 

Any advice on this I would appreciate, and feel free to tell me if I am overthinking this or dragging myself into a hole unnecessarily.

 

Thank you

 

James 

[Andrina]

My advice would be to block her on Whats app and get rid of the idea that there's any chance she will be a part of your future. The quicker you do that the quicker you will have closure.

She couldn't envision ahead of time that she'd be too busy and emotionally invested in dating when she knew there'd be an upcoming divorce? I think it's an excuse that she's just not that into you, but you're so into her you can't fathom otherwise.

I've never once taken anyone back whether I did the deed or he did, because a person normally thinks long and hard about breaking up, knowing that will most likely spell forever. When that's the case, either it's because of incompatibility, or one of you doesn't care the way one should for a forever thing. And usually a pattern repeats itself. If she easily let you go once, she'll likely do it again when she is "overwhelmed and needs space."

Someone with two very young kids and freshly getting a divorce is not an ideal candidate for being a partner who has loads of time to have fun with you. A parent shouldn't introduce children to their love interest until its a surety it will be a lifetime connection, and that takes a minimum of 8 to 10 months into it to get beyond the honeymoon stage and into the serious stage. So that leaves minimal time for dates if the mother is a decent parent, concentrating on getting her children used to a new dynamic of having divorced parents.

I'd hold out for the woman who never leaves. Not even once.

[TeeDee]

Lots of people do flakey things.  IMO randomly reaching out to an EX who was short term to begin with years later is flakey. 

She might but who cares?  Why would you want her to? 

She probably won't.  Because she knows things weren't great.  You also weren't together all that long.  You aren't one of her nearest & dearest. 

 

About two years after we broke up the father of my EX died.  That EX & I lived together for 10 years.  The parents lived with us for 6 months before the mom died of cancer.  I had cared for the mom during her last days.  When she had been healthier that EX & I had often visited their house in another state.  We'd spent many holidays together.   I reached out to that EX then to offer my condolences because I genuinely liked the father.  Ten years later when my parents died, he reached out.  We run in a lot of the same professional circles which is how we both knew of the deaths.  In those instances, reaching out wasn't random.  The interactions were also polite & short.  I haven't talked to that guy in 10 years at this point. 

[Lambert]

She did you a favor by blocking you.  

If things are going to end, the sooner the better. It does hurt and I am really sorry. 

Someone who respects you does not play with your feelings. You deserve a clean break. She is helping you. It's hard to break up with someone.  She is being strong and a decent person. At least in this aspect. 

Time tells all but I hope she doesn't contact you any time soon because that would mean she's not respecting you or herself. It sounds like she has a lot to deal with divorce kids etc.... She in not a good spot to be a partner you deserve.

Respect & block her back.

You'll meet someone else. 

 

 

[smackie9]

Don't hold your breath. 

[catfeeder]

One reason to avoid dating people who are separated, not yet divorced, is that the divorce itself is a time of huge upheaval. Regardless of the length of time a couple has been separated, the steps to finalize a divorce are often met with deep reflection. So much so, law offices report that on average, 15 to 20% of those couples end up reconciling right before the last signature. (Go ahead and google that.)

It's natural to want to hedge your bets and make room for the hope of hearing from this woman in the future, however, your best strategy would be to move that hope to a back burner and out of your way. Operate as though this is a guaranteed no-go, and challenge yourself to build your resilience, your self esteem, your social life, and at some point, your dating life.

This way, if you do hear from her someday, you'll have gained the higher ground and the perspective that comes with that to best handle your decisions, and if you never hear from her, you'll have already healed and will be on your way to a better future. It's a win/win.

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

However a month ago she broke it off citing the upcoming divorce as a reason feeling 'overwhelmed' and 'needing space.'

Is "Space" name of another man she is seeing? Because when they say they "need space" it usually means they need space from you and want somebody else. Its one of those BS excuses people use just so they could break up and leave.

Anyway, I wouldnt hope for reconciliation. This is over.

[JamesTaylor7892]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is "Space" name of another man she is seeing? Because when they say they "need space" it usually means they need space from you and want somebody else. Its one of those BS excuses people use just so they could break up and leave.

Anyway, I wouldnt hope for reconciliation. This is over.

I mean hey If it is then good luck to her, and the poor bloke. If rebounding from one person to another is her way of handling the demise of her marriage then it speaks volumes of her character. I know she dated a couple of guys before me after she was separated so maybe she's just out for a spree.

[JamesTaylor7892]

11 hours ago, Lambert said:

She did you a favor by blocking you.  

If things are going to end, the sooner the better. It does hurt and I am really sorry. 

Someone who respects you does not play with your feelings. You deserve a clean break. She is helping you. It's hard to break up with someone.  She is being strong and a decent person. At least in this aspect. 

Time tells all but I hope she doesn't contact you any time soon because that would mean she's not respecting you or herself. It sounds like she has a lot to deal with divorce kids etc.... She in not a good spot to be a partner you deserve.

Respect & block her back.

You'll meet someone else. 

 

 

I completely agree, I think from where I sit blocking her on whatsapp does feel a little childish, and is maybe even bringing myself down to her level (given that she already did it to me on Insta), so for me I feel deleting her number and erasing any record of her on my phone makes more of a statement to myself that I am willing to move on from her and leave her in the past where she belongs. I appreciate what your saying though and Thank you 🙂

[DarkCh0c0]

15 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I have been told I was more than likely a rebound given how full on she was (for example a couple of weeks into dating she introduced me t her brother and her mum on facetime on two separate occasions among other things). 

I think so too.

Breaking up with you out of the blue makes me think she could have indeed been overwhelmed and decided to stop this. Or, as Kwothe said, she found someone else. Or she could have spotted some incompatibility and decided to end things. Who knows.

As everyone mentioned, you need to move on. Someone who truly likes you will hold on to you and not risk losing you. 

Good job on keeping no contact. Deleting her phone number sounds sensible. Take your time to get over her. You got this 🩷

[JamesTaylor7892]

Yeah that's true, my gut feeling tells me that at a point she did like me but she really just didn't have a clue what she wanted in life right now (though its evident it wasn't me haha) and really was all over the place. I don't think you introduce someone to your family, and her best friend I met in person before they went on holiday together if they didn't give a flying toss about you (especially as quickly as she did. That being said her behaviour was hot and cold towards the end, every date I went on with her she would be drinking wine and vaping a hell of a lot. All that said to me the entire time I was with her is this girl is clearly not okay and something probably isn't right with her, though I struggled to come to terms with it because I guess you could say I was a little infatuated with her. 

The last time I saw her we were snuggling on her couch together, kissing and watching tv. She asked me if I was happy and I said yes, I asked her the same thing and she said yes. However I had this inkling that I would never see her again after that night and two days later is when she ended it. Sometimes the gut is worth paying attention to, and all I can say is thank god she ended it when she did and didn't draw this out for months before inevitably ending it in the same way as it only would have prolonged all the hurt and confusion from my side. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Awww I'm sorry it went like this.

41 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

Sometimes the gut is worth paying attention to, and all I can say is thank god she ended it when she did and didn't draw this out for months before inevitably ending it in the same way as it only would have prolonged all the hurt and confusion from my side. 

Absolutely.

[Lambert]

On 5/29/2024 at 6:06 AM, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I completely agree, I think from where I sit blocking her on whatsapp does feel a little childish, and is maybe even bringing myself down to her level (given that she already did it to me on Insta), so for me I feel deleting her number and erasing any record of her on my phone makes more of a statement to myself that I am willing to move on from her and leave her in the past where she belongs. I appreciate what your saying though and Thank you 🙂

I know what you mean and I have felt that way in past.  That being petty feeling.  However,I will say in hindsight that was mostly because I didn't want to block them.  I had hope that maybe they would try to contact me and I wanted to know. 

When I don't care anymore, I can easily block and delete...

[ShySoul]

On 5/28/2024 at 12:42 PM, JamesTaylor7892 said:

However a month ago she broke it off citing the upcoming divorce as a reason feeling 'overwhelmed' and 'needing space.'

On 5/28/2024 at 12:42 PM, JamesTaylor7892 said:

but I'd be lying if I said that the stories I were posting weren't anything to do with showing that I was doing okay, when in reality I wasn't really.

I think she's being honest. Going through a "messy" divorce brings out a lot of conflicting emotions. It wouldn't have been good for either of you to start something serious until she has worked through the previous relationship. I've seen people rush into something else and its generally not pretty. Having space is for the best.

I think she still cares about you and wants to be friends or more. Hence why she would read your posts. It was a way to feel like you were still a part of her life. But then the posts starting hurting her more then helping. It was reminding her that she couldn't be with you right now. It was distracting her from healing on her own with the divorce. By your admission the stories were trying to show you as over her and having a great time. She might have taken that as you didn't want her so figured it's better to not follow you and open herself to all these feelings. Rather then be childish, it might have been protection.

The divorce is causing her to question herself. She thought she had everything figured out and had a future layed out. Now she isn't sure what she wants or what to do. She needs to figure herself out before she can have any relationship, you or otherwise. 

The question for you to figure out is if you want to leave the door slightly open or close it entirely. Would you be open to having her in your life, on any level? Doesn't mean she will come back, but if she did, how would you respond? And if you did close the door, which you are entitled to do, recognize its a choice you are making for you, not because of her.

 

[JamesTaylor7892]

Seems like she is trying to move on based on her recent actions. I noticed a few days ago she unblocked me on Instagram and has now blocked me again, and has even blocked me on Whastapp now. I'm aware I'm probably reading too much into this. 

Seems quite childish to me but I suppose all I can do is let her get on with it and just work on moving on myself. Just don't really understand why someone would behave like that, whether its for attention or wrestling with her emotions, god knows but I suppose its her problem and not mine.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

Seems quite childish to me but I suppose all I can do is let her get on with it and just work on moving on myself. Just don't really understand why someone would behave like that, whether its for attention or wrestling with her emotions, god knows but I suppose its her problem and not mine.

I'd tell myself it's not work to move on. It's basically -moving.  Actions.  Each day live your life.  Do you think of it as work to -live your life on a daily basis? Each day you live your life and go through your routine, plans, work, cleaning etc affirms -without you dwelling on it -that you are .... living your life.  This life with the routines and activities has nothing to do with her.  As each day passes with nothing to do with her that is you moving.  Doesn't have to be moving on or moving off.  Moving/actions/living life that have zero to do with her is all that's needed.  Checking social media for her activity or non activity or whatever  is not consistent with living your life.  

[JamesTaylor7892]

I agree

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd tell myself it's not work to move on. It's basically -moving.  Actions.  Each day live your life.  Do you think of it as work to -live your life on a daily basis? Each day you live your life and go through your routine, plans, work, cleaning etc affirms -without you dwelling on it -that you are .... living your life.  This life with the routines and activities has nothing to do with her.  As each day passes with nothing to do with her that is you moving.  Doesn't have to be moving on or moving off.  Moving/actions/living life that have zero to do with her is all that's needed.  Checking social media for her activity or non activity or whatever  is not consistent with living your life.  

I agree, my behaviour has not been consistent with someone who is moving on right now. I tell myself by doing all the right things like seeing family, friends, gym, taking on new hobbies is all very well, but if I am checking up on her every now and then to see if she's blocked me or not blocked me is far from healthy and I think I now just really need to let it go and be done with it. Its just sometimes easier to say it than to do it.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I agree

I agree, my behaviour has not been consistent with someone who is moving on right now. I tell myself by doing all the right things like seeing family, friends, gym, taking on new hobbies is all very well, but if I am checking up on her every now and then to see if she's blocked me or not blocked me is far from healthy and I think I now just really need to let it go and be done with it. Its just sometimes easier to say it than to do it.

Many things are easier to say than do.  It's -adulting.  Life.  You don't need to do all those things. Make it real simple. Live your daily life. Nothing new needed.  Daily routine, daily work, daily workout or whenever you move your body or however you move your body.  No need for new hobbies.  Yes you have to discipline yourself not to check up on her.  Many people each day including me have to restrain ourselves from doing X or make sure we do Y even if we really don't want to.  Even if there is instant gratification (followed by huge downside) from doing X when we shouldn't.  Keep it simple -overthinking and doing all of this -wow I have to Move On and Work at it and what new hobby am I going to try today -let's see.  Nope.  Live your life and use the common sense basic adult tools you use every day for stuff that requires restraint/discipline.  

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

Just don't really understand why someone would behave like that, whether its for attention or wrestling with her emotions, god knows but I suppose its her problem and not mine.

Sounds like you are actually quite similar. You are both wrestling with your emotions and checking up on each other. You both seem to want to want to move on, but are struggling to do so. That's what happens when you care for someone you can't be with. Logical you say it can't be and you will move on. You distract yourself. You try to look at their behavior as wrong. But the heart doesn't follow logic. Distractions only cover your feelings for a time, they don't get rid of them. 

I've learned two things to help me through. First, go with the feelings. If you feel it, there is a reason. If you miss her and still think about her, fine. If you wonder what she's doing, fine. Your feelings are yours and your process of handling them are unique to you. You dont have to move on by any set time. And moving on isn't a straight line. There can be backtracking, staying in the same spot for awhile, whatever you want. 

Second, don't close the door. The future could be anything. Maybe that you both seem to still be thinking of the other is a good thing? Maybe one day she can work through her stuff and will be open to at least be friends. Don't count on it, but there's always the possibility.

[SooSad33]

On 5/28/2024 at 3:42 PM, JamesTaylor7892 said:

A month ago a girl I was dating who I was quite in to ended it. I felt we had a good thing however her reasons did seem valid given that she is about to go through what could be a messy divorce with her ex and they have two young kids involved.

She had been separated for a year and had been on a few dates before she met me, but when we did meet there was just an instant connection and we very much enjoyed each others company for a number of weeks

I'm sorry you are hurting, but sadly, this is how it goes when you're a rebound 😞 .

YOU were ready, she was not.

And all this is, is HER selfishness, knowing very well she is NOT ready to get involved again!  Is like she is trying to forget or get over the break up of her marriage and is out there using others to do so.. - BUT, it's not working, Go Figure!

And what it does, is leave a trail of hurting units.  

They;ve only been separated for a year and they have a longggg ways to go yet, before they ( or her) are in their right minds to be okay to get involved again. So, let this be a hard lesson for you... NEVER get involved with someone who's freshly out of a ( long term) relationship.

Hey, it's only been a few weeks where she was in your company.  You will be okay. 😉 .

Remove her from everything and yeah, delete her number!  Why would you even want to give a second thought on someone who was just using you?

Be done, get out there and continue as you are, doing your own thing and maybe in a few months, start scanning the dating world again  🙂 .

 

 

[catfeeder]

On 6/3/2024 at 4:52 AM, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I'm aware I'm probably reading too much into this. 

Seems quite childish to me

It's not childish when you don't read too much into it. Blocking after a break up isn't punitive, it's just done.

Unblocking then blocking might happen when you revisit an app and don't remember whether you've blocked someone. You may not block them on another app because you're not in that app at the moment.

It's just checking boxes. Simple account maintenance that most people barely think about.

Shift your focus onto something more rewarding, and you'll thank yourself.