pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said: Given that she was isolated almost all her life, that nature of her job is maybe something like online work or her friends maybe dont go out in huge crowds but she is just seeing them for coffee, its entirely possible OP just doesnt come out in a vicinity of men to get that attention. Nore she shows signs of trying that. Also, I think its fair to ask the question, but does she even counts anything less than a "7" as a "male attention"? Or she just counts guys higher than that? And brushes off anything less than a "7" as "not worthy to even talk to"? Lots of people who are "hyper focused" on looks dont really count the ones that they think they are bellow them and just are focused on very specific people. Also yes, its fair to ask would she, due to lack of experience know that maybe somebody is hitting on her? And would she know what to do with that given her closeness. Yep, I WFH. Yeah, aside from protests/museum visits/occassional bar, me and my friends' time together is just with each other. Good thing is that we mentioned going to more large events this summer so we can all meet people. All of us are single; some don't want to be tied down right now and are playing the field; two just got out of relationships and are casually dating; I'm the odd one out with the traumatic family background. 🤪 I'm not being picky with the 1-10 thing. I genuinely mean no one on any number of the scale is hitting on me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 5 hours ago, mylolita said: Maybe step back and take a logical look at how you spend your week, and how likely within that week there are to be lots of single men where you are? And also, will they be in a “dating approachable” environment? Like say, on a night out, in a bar, at a meet up group, in a salsa class etc. are you ever placing yourself in situations that are overtly for singles and meeting up? I can do this more. But what are these events though? I'm curious! I have my hobbies: gardening, activism, movies. Maybe co-ed fitness groups? I tried hiking Meetups, but they're filled with old or coupled people. Need more ideas! Thanks for the kind advice though. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 4 hours ago, Batya33 said: Yes I think it's a bad idea to define it as any sort of "stage" of dating... This is a generational thing, because for Gen Z, talking stage refers to when a guy gets your number and you're texting for weeks until (and if) he asks you for a date. Sometimes it leads to clear cut dating, sometimes vague situationships. I think the talking stage is stupid and a sign of the times, but I'm just referencing it as an example of some degree of romantic activity. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 8 hours ago, smackie9 said: You say your friends are bewildered....why are they not helping you with this? We can only advice on here with typing to which isn't going to give you much of anything but you will get better results if you consult with those around you who know you best. That's another problem. I've been friendless since my teen years. (Isolated homeschooling + living with panaroma paranoid parents in early 20s and being financially dependent to not move out + difficult to make friends in late 20s). Well, I made friends in college, but I didn't really connect to those people too deeply or liked them much (it was a competitive art school), so they all faded away after graduation. Past 1.5 years has been moving out and healing and doing lots of things to meet people, but it's hard to meet people who click with you and are consistent and genuine, etc. I've just met those people (group of 5 people, including me) the past few months, consistently hanging out with them (parties, drinks, playing sports together, hanging out at each other's places). So, finally, it's happened, but it's still recent in the friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 6 minutes ago, pineappleafter563 said: This is a generational thing, because for Gen Z, talking stage refers to when a guy gets your number and you're texting for weeks until (and if) he asks you for a date. Sometimes it leads to clear cut dating, sometimes vague situationships. I think the talking stage is stupid and a sign of the times, but I'm just referencing it as an example of some degree of romantic activity. Some people, like myself, prefer to have some initial conversation back-and-forth before going on a date with someone. That's after he's asked me out on a date. I was "talking" lol to someone for a few weeks before we went out and we dated for several months. I "talked" to a long term for a few weeks before our first date. Other times, a few back and forth conversations for a week before meeting. If there is no mention of a date while talking, it's more of a casual acquaintance. To me, dating is the act of actually going on dates. You still have to "talk" to the person regardless. It's simply just talking, with the intention of getting to know someone further. But it really depends on the individuals and their intentions. Some might argue that just going on a date ASAP is the best way to get to know someone. They see anything else as a waste of time and/or a way for people to keep their options open. But for others, it serves as a way to build a connection and establish if there is potential for a date. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 55 minutes ago, pineappleafter563 said: I'm into a lot of social progressive groups. I ran a mini community center for a year, lots of activism-related events––book clubs, protests, 101 classes. This is great and clarifies a lot more for us. We can see you're not some sheltered wallflower with limited social exposure. Are there lots of men attending the social progressive groups, activism events and protests? These sound like hotbeds of shared interests, although I wonder if the context of them is relaxed enough to feel socially inspiring to mingle? Do you take on anything managerial in these groups or events, which might have you appearing very serious and focused--maybe not too approachable? What kinds of people are part of your book club? Quote I go to co-ed hiking clubs––mostly older people or couples. I'm trying to look for a co-ed frisbee group (none in my area), but I could explore others. If you enjoy the hiking, don't overlook the older folks. They can make excellent social mentors. They've seen it all, they often entertain and like to mix all ages of people, and they can also be great match-makers. As for the frisbee, it could be your gold mine. Consider contacting the local frisbee group leaders to ask if you can either play OR come out as a spectator. From there you can meet the leaders and the players to poll them about whether they'd be interested in a co-ed group. If so, you can exchange contact info and maybe start your own group? Quote I go out to bars and lounges with my friends. I volunteer at farms and gardens. What happens at the bars and lounges? Do you and your friends huddle, or might you each consider inviting guys in attendance to join your party? Who do you meet while tending the farms and gardens? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 1 hour ago, pineappleafter563 said: What kind of activities are those? As I mentioned to @Batya33: I'm into a lot of social progressive groups. I ran a mini community center for a year, lots of activism-related events––book clubs, protests, 101 classes. I go to co-ed hiking clubs––mostly older people or couples. I'm trying to look for a co-ed frisbee group (none in my area), but I could explore others. I go out to bars and lounges with my friends. I volunteer at farms and gardens. Do things (activities) that you LOVE. So, I used to love bowling in my twenties. All my gal friends and I joined a bowling league, and I randomly met someone I was with for 7 years. What else... music - do you listen to any underground music type? Local scene meet ups. I also like going to museums, galleries to look at random weird stuff, those can be good places to meet people. Exploring new neighborhoods, trying new restaurants or coffee shops, going to farmer's markets and street fairs, and attending concerts or shows. I've also met some interesting people at yoga and meditation classes. Take advantage of any interests or hobbies you have and seek out like-minded groups or events related to them. Do it because you enjoy it, not just to meet people, but the connections will happen naturally if you're doing something you love and are passionate about. I was always quite social for many years with friends and activities so it was never a waste if I wasn't meeting men! I met men through friends, activities, at lounges and parties, etc. but the most meaningful way I found to connect with a potential was when I at least knew I loved the activity and it wasn't just for a new potential love object. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 4 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said: Good thing is that we mentioned going to more large events this summer so we can all meet people. All of us are single; some don't want to be tied down right now and are playing the field; two just got out of relationships and are casually dating; I'm the odd one out with the traumatic family background. 🤪 Well there you go. You are not alone in this. The events this summer will open doors for you. Make sure you eye the men there too, out of curiosity and in case some are interested. Reg. The family background, I'd monitor once you get into a relationship how it has affected you. You could be susceptible to putting up with lower standards or minimal good treatment or emotionally unavailable men and so forth. Only experience will help you figure that out because traumatic upbringings often affect self esteem and how we behave and react in relationships. I think it's good to ask yourself what are your deal breakers and must haves in a man so that you have a compass that guides you as you meet them so they you don't just stay because someone just gave you little/any attention. Have you never met or hit it off with a man at your community center? Or are you often busy putting up a very serious facade? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 10 hours ago, catfeeder said: Yeah, it's common slang. Sort of like when kids use 'first base,' 'second base,' to describe the degree of their sexual activity. Sure, there can be a 'first base' without ever progressing to a 'home run...' but that doesn't take away from the fact that they all know what these terms mean to them. I think its superfluous to launch a language debate with people who use common slang. It's a wasted fingerwag to an entire generation over a term they've adopted for lack of a better one. In this case, if the OP views talking with guys as a 'stage,' that's significant to her given that she's never done it before. Plenty of people never make it to a 'dating stage', just as plenty of dates never make it to 'first base'. Let's credit them with the resilience to handle that. Yes - I agree. I was commenting just on the OP who is so upset that certain of her friends are "talking" to men as if it's akin to dating or relevant romantic interest -for now I think she does need to build that resilience you mention. In general -sure -I mean people assume asking for a first meet is like asking someone out on a real date/they treat a first meet as a date or a ONS is now "FWB" if you have sex again the next day. I get the semantic part. I am not sure if the OP just wants "play" from men or is genuinely interested in dating men with a longer term purpose, or simply wants to hook up. That's why I went down this rabbit hole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 6 hours ago, yogacat said: Do it because you enjoy it, not just to meet people, but the connections will happen naturally if you're doing something you love and are passionate about. I was always quite social for many years with friends and activities so it was never a waste if I wasn't meeting men! I met men through friends, activities, at lounges and parties, etc. but the most meaningful way I found to connect with a potential was when I at least knew I loved the activity and it wasn't just for a new potential love object. Yes for sure. My older sister made new friends (she is done with dating-no interest) by doing karaoke in her community -she's been a singer (awesome voice) for many years, socially introverted and this was a way especially once the pandemic stuff lifted (and even before -it's outdoors by a pool!) to get back out there interacting with people. She does it for the love of music and singing first and foremost and you're right -if you love it you're like a magnet attracting like minded people. (By contrast in my 30s I pretended to like watching football and went to a weekly football meet up thing in the park my friend invited me to -because they all went to a diner after for a meal. That fake groupie thing -not gonna work lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 7 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said: How did you come to that? When it comes to finding a quality partner that matches, I get you need to be picky, at least somewhat. But I'm talking before all that...just being noticed by men, any man. It literally doesn't happen for me. I love what you're involved in -such a wide variety! And ask your gay male friends - don't wait for them to mention. What does noticing mean to you -is it when you talk to a man who is there at one of your activities and there's no interest in continuing a conversation? Do you want a man to seem interested in you in a romantic or sexual way by how he looks at you or talks to you - or a man who stares at you? I think others have already asked if you're approachable. Yesterday I ran into my female neighbor and noticed her hair color -new color - because I just got mine colored so for a few seconds I noticed how nice she looked and I acknowledged that but the rest of our convo was catching up on stuff we have in common. I'm sure she felt good being noticed and she complimented my new glasses - but the take away- the pleasant feeling was from our conversation not the compliments. Will you feel good if a random good looking guy winks at you or approaches you with obvious interest? Is it something that would make you feel like -whew- a man noticed me, approached me. Many people find the right partner without being "noticed" in that way ever and many people are constantly noticed and flattered and pampered -and have a hard or impossible time finding the right partner. You don't need to be noticed by any man to find the right partner. It's -flattering-it can feel good -but not essential to find someone. And since you're so involved in such a wide variety of activities I'd check whether you're also approachable, approach men more often in the context of the shared activity and perhaps show men you are noticing them? (Might be fun to flirt/be a bit forward). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 8 hours ago, catfeeder said: Are there lots of men attending the social progressive groups, activism events and protests? There are. Barely anything has slightly kicked off with a guy, though, except this small incident. I'm the OP in that post (forgot my other account's password, sorry!). He turned out to be taken, at least I think (him and a girl we're leaving flirty messages in each other's Instagram comments). My friends huddle at the bars. Invite guys to join us...details how, please? At the farms and gardens: mostly older ladies. I don't recall seeing any single men there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 2 hours ago, Batya33 said: Yes - I agree. I was commenting just on the OP who is so upset that certain of her friends are "talking" to men as if it's akin to dating or relevant romantic interest -for now I think she does need to build that resilience you mention. In general -sure -I mean people assume asking for a first meet is like asking someone out on a real date/they treat a first meet as a date or a ONS is now "FWB" if you have sex again the next day. I get the semantic part. I am not sure if the OP just wants "play" from men or is genuinely interested in dating men with a longer term purpose, or simply wants to hook up. That's why I went down this rabbit hole. I want "play" from men now, to eventually whittle down into one exclusive relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 2 hours ago, Batya33 said: What does noticing mean to you Even before that: I don't notice men checking me out. Conversations are brief and polite. 2 hours ago, Batya33 said: Do you want a man to seem interested in you in a romantic or sexual way by how he looks at you or talks to you - or a man who stares at you? The first. 2 hours ago, Batya33 said: Will you feel good if a random good looking guy winks at you or approaches you with obvious interest? Is it something that would make you feel like -whew- a man noticed me, approached me. Many people find the right partner without being "noticed" in that way ever and many people are constantly noticed and flattered and pampered -and have a hard or impossible time finding the right partner. You don't need to be noticed by any man to find the right partner. It's -flattering-it can feel good -but not essential to find someone. Interesting question. If a guy approaches with obvious interest (and it wasn't creepy or overbearing), I'd like it, but I'd also be self-conscious, for sure. It's like I want two different things at once. To enjoy flirting, options, casual dating (I never had it and this long-delayed desire from my youth is still bubbling now because it's been unfulfilled) and of course, to find a good guy and build a steady relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 1 hour ago, pineappleafter563 said: There are. Barely anything has slightly kicked off with a guy, though, except this small incident. I'm the OP in that post (forgot my other account's password, sorry!). He turned out to be taken, at least I think (him and a girl we're leaving flirty messages in each other's Instagram comments). My friends huddle at the bars. Invite guys to join us...details how, please? At the farms and gardens: mostly older ladies. I don't recall seeing any single men there... Hey pineapple! All your groups sound fantastic! Personally for me, sometimes I know people find it a bit like a midnight hunting ground but; being out in cocktail bars and clubs on an evening is a pretty sure fire way to know the majority will be there to meet someone. You have to be careful it’s not a hook up though or a casual fling if you want something serious (I imagine you probably do!) When you’re in quite a big group of girls, it intimidates a guy because not only does he have to approach you, but all your friends as well. And when he talks to you, probably he imagines all your friends stopping and watching/listening to him speak to you. It takes nerve for a man to approach a whole group of girls. I would recommend if you go out to a bar or club to go only with one more girlfriend. When I was 18, I took up part time work in a bar subconsciously for that very purpose because I knew I hated going out myself, but enjoyed the atmosphere behind the scenes and I was rapid fire meeting men who were strangers all night long, 3 nights a week during my time in college. There are other interests you could delve into and I am sure out of all the things you do and groups there will probably be a single guy! Ever tried a speed dating event? I haven’t personally but if you don’t take it too seriously it could be social experience that brings you out of your shell and also a bit of an experience/giggle! Even if nothing comes of it? All the best! x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 12 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said: What kind of activities are those? As I mentioned to @Batya33: I'm into a lot of social progressive groups. I ran a mini community center for a year, lots of activism-related events––book clubs, protests, 101 classes. I go to co-ed hiking clubs––mostly older people or couples. I'm trying to look for a co-ed frisbee group (none in my area), but I could explore others. I go out to bars and lounges with my friends. I volunteer at farms and gardens. I'm surprised you haven't meet liked minded people at those kinds of events. It may take a little courage but when you are out & about you also need to look around to see if you spot somebody interesting. Then you be brave & say hi first. Master the art of small talk: "nice day"; "Do you think it might rain?" "What do you think of the author's other book ______?" "when is the next protest?" Somebody needs to break the ice. Based on some of the horror stories you were told here about woman calling the cops because some guy said hi, most guys are more hesitant to make the 1st move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 12 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said: Yeah, aside from protests/museum visits/occassional bar, me and my friends' time together is just with each other. Good thing is that we mentioned going to more large events this summer so we can all meet people. Aside of “male feminist” types I don't think progressive protests attract men. Maybe I am wrong but from what I saw about the American ones, it’s largely a women thing. Here it’s mixed but protests are also very ideological thing. You don’t usually go to protests to meet people. But to protest for a cause. Same with occasional bar visits if you are there just to drink a coffee with friends. It’s not really “approachable” situation where men would come to ask for your name and get to know you. You need something more “in tune” with men. Like sports bars. I think Bolt recommends those. As they are filled with men. I mean, you could also get approached in the streets or while getting a coffee at Starbucks. But chances of that are not very high. If you want to meet men, you would have to go to places where they are and where they would approach you. Large events like concerts may be a really good idea. If they are not something like Taylor Swift concerts. Those also dont attract men lol It’s also very questionable if you are “opened” to be approached or not. Meaning to meet somebody and do a conversation. You would have to work on that part if you want to meet people. For example, start by going to your local store and talking to cashier. Even if you would have to talk about the weather outside. It would make you more opened about talking to strangers. Which would be required if you find yourself in a situation to talk to some men in places you go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 3 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said: I want "play" from men now, to eventually whittle down into one exclusive relationship. So if I have it right it is also important that men hit on you and compliment your looks? That's a different want from wanting an exclusive relationship and often no whittling needed -depends if the men who hit on you also are men that would be a good fit for the long term. Two separate wants on your part -wanting male attention - "play" -men to approach you, hit on you and separately wanting a partner. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 13 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said: My friends don't know any single straight men. My female friends (bi or straight)...they date via dating apps, and if they know any single guys IRL, I'm sure they save them for themselves. And then my gay male friend...well, he sure hasn't told me about any single straight guys he knows. They don't work with any single straight men as well? No associations, member groups, volunteer groups with men in them? Sounds like you've never asked them. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 2 hours ago, mylolita said: When you’re in quite a big group of girls, it intimidates a guy because not only does he have to approach you, but all your friends as well. And when he talks to you, probably he imagines all your friends stopping and watching/listening to him speak to you. It takes nerve for a man to approach a whole group of girls. I would recommend if you go out to a bar or club to go only with one more girlfriend. The good thing about a group is that you can see a good looking guy, and your whole table can either send him a drink on your tab, or, any one of you can walk over and invite him to join your table. And you can keep adding more guys over the course of the night. This diffuses direct attention on 'just' you, and the party atmosphere allows each of you to speak with him while the other girls pull in more guys. The night can be 'fluid,' where some guys leave and others join. Pulling in more girls is fine, too. The problem with having only one GF with you is, if either gets the focused attention of one guy, the other can end up left out unless there's a friend with him. But then, that can stick you with someone you don't want to hang out with. So my answer is to make it a 3 woman minimum. Then if one gets attention, the other two can either pull in more guys, or just hang out together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post itsallgrand Posted May 29 Popular Post Share Posted May 29 You won't like my advice probably. I think you should jump right in to online dating. Why? To get experience meeting men, having the banter, seeing what is out there. It's low risk to meet for a coffee! I honestly learned a lot about myself by forcing myself to take a super proactive approach to dating. I went on so many meets and dates through online, and yes, most weren't even close to a fit but I gained a tonne of perspective and imo learned to get a lot better at showing openess and grace in that area of my life. It's like anything else, you can gain skills and get better at it! That aside, I agree with kwothe that socially progressive orientated activities can be limiting, especially when combined with a guard up already. I'm not saying not to pursue what you care about. But maybe consider trying to put yourself in situations where you are having a blast as often as serious ones because imo that is catnip lol. I've met most of the people who became someone special to me in scenarios like this. And even my SO says he knew he was in love with me the day we first went swimming at a lake together. He saw my truly carefree and relaxed side for the first time, because in water and nature is my happy place. What makes you really happy? 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineappleafter563 Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 I was also the person in this post. https://www.enotalone.com/topic/459375-how-do-i-ask-out-someone-i-barely-know-and-dont-see-often/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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