Moving On: The Struggle to Forget

[blackmirror]

Why does it take so long to forget? I still think of him every day even though we broke up 9 months ago. I've done everything suggested to move on: taking care of myself, engaging in activities I enjoy, meeting new people, and making friends. I even started going out with a guy I thought I liked. But nothing helps; I still think of him every time before I go to sleep, and many things during my day remind me of him. When I cross the road and see a car similar to his, my heart drops, thinking it's him. I still see him in my dreams, wondering what his life looks like now. I deleted all my social media accounts just to avoid stalking him. I've done my best and am still trying. I can tell and feel that I'm not happy doing all those things; the only time I was truly happy was with him. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings.

[Batya33]

You can't get rid of feelings.  But you can come up with tools to distract and redirect.  When -routinely- those feelings don't trigger you to then focus on your ex - they will eventually fade to the periphery with nothing to fuel the fire.  

Long ago someone suggested this - get a stack of index cards -on each one write something negative about how he treated you, some annoying habit he had, and flip through them when you start feeling nostalgic or missing him.  

Please stop pressuring yourself to stop feeling a certain way and instead come up with ways to react so that the feelings are not the focal point of your life at that moment.  Everyone has a different timeline with these situations.

[SooSad33]

Yup, we never really forget them... they were a part of our lives for a while.

Can take someone 9 mos to get over someone and may take 2 yrs to feel your over the next.  What is good is when you realize you've woken up and they were NOT the first thing you think about!  That's progress.

When you've been emotionally invested in someone it does take time to work thru it all. Can be a matter of grieving the loss. 😕 . So, you'll go thru stages of the pain, anger, denial, etc.. until you are fine with what is and life isn't so bad - acceptance.

Continue to work at this and moving on with your life. Be easy on yourself and continue on. Not always easy, but it's great when you realize someday, so what, he had a car like that! Cause it really doesn't bother me anymore 🙂 .  It'll happen.. believe 😉 . Journaling is also helpful - another way to 'get it out'.

I do suggest, if you find it consuming you after another year, consider some prof help to help you work thru this.

 

[catfeeder]

18 hours ago, blackmirror said:

Why does it take so long to forget?...

...I can tell and feel that I'm not happy doing all those things; the only time I was truly happy was with him. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings.

I hear, grief sucks. I don't think we forget, but rather we begin to minimize an ex's importance to the overall scheme of our lives. This can't happen as long as we keep applying a lens that maximizes their importance and compares our ability to seek and find small mundane joys against the giant joys we found in the relationship.

Comparing our lives during grief with our highs while we were drunk on love will never come out in our favor. I've found it helpful to sneak in tiny little glimmers of joy into my days, and then make it a point to savor those moments at face value. And without reducing them to being so lackluster against the joys I knew before--just different. For instance, the joy I feel in helping my elderly folks and bringing humor to them, or doing something anonymously to 'pay forward' a small gratitude like slipping a great tip into someone's tip box or leaving a luxury product in the kitchen or restroom at work, or contributing to the coffee or the highway toll of the person behind me in a car line.

I've found it helpful to 'schedule' my grief in the form of boo-hoo sessions with a tissue box, and I find myself getting bored and moving my focus onto the movie I want to watch, or planning some nice things for others that I'll want to pull off the next day. And I keep my focus there as well as listing future plans I'll want to start working on the next day--and I'll break those down into easier steps TOWARD something.

While nobody can tell us how long it takes for our grief to fade, I can attest to this largely being reliant on my participation--as opposed to something that will just happen TO me. If I want to view myself as a sad sap who will never feel happiness again, I can do that. It'll drill me into a deeper hole to climb out of, but it's not against the law. By contrast, I can keep speaking to myself like an inspiring coach, and I can compliment myself on my goal of building resilience, and I can say simple mantras like, "I've got this..." or "I can do it..."

Head high, and keep writing if it helps.

[TeeDee]

You are never going to forget. That is an unrealistic goal.  Instead you want to get to a point where remembering hurts less.  

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry to tell you this but you'll never forget.  Sure,  you can move on but forget?  Memories are here to stay and you cannot erase remembering the past.  Give yourself time.  It could take many months and years to heal.  It takes lots of time to heal old wounds.  Someday your current feelings will be a blur.  Memories will fade and no longer be as vivid anymore.  Continue preoccupying yourself with healthy distractions.  I've found that whenever I'm hurting,  I help those who are less fortunate in various capacities.  Suddenly,  the focus is no longer on me anymore nor some people from my past. 

Why does it take so long to forget?  Because your achey feelings are still very raw and fresh;  that's why. 

Another thing that helps is to think about anything you didn't like about the guy and then you'll feel relieved and grateful to have rid of him.  Always remind yourself that certain people were not meant to remain permanent in your life.  It could be personality and character differences,  habits,  anything that irritated you about him so on and so forth.  Or, something that he did to you which wasn't acceptable nor tolerable for you.  Those types of reminders reinforce why the relationship floundered. 

 

[ShySoul]

You can't get rid of feelings or make yourself forget. Nor do I think you would want to outside the most extreme circumstances. Forgetting would mean losing out on not just the bad memories, but the good ones as well. It would mean losing out on the knowledge that for that short time you shared something special and were cared for. If you shared something with this person that has caused you to have such deep feelings, that's a rare and special thing that should be celebrated, not forgotten. 

The key is to be able to create a distance from those feelings so that they don't overwhelm you and cause you to spiral into wanting them back. It's learning that you can still enjoy the memories while leaving them in the past and embracing something new in the present and future. And it's using the bad experiences to grow and learn from so that the same mistakes aren't made in future, hopefully even better, relationships.

[smackie9]

It will wear off. 

[Voyatic]

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's completely normal to still think about someone even after so much time has passed, especially if they were a big part of your life. Healing isn't always linear, and it's okay to still have moments of sadness or longing. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor? Sometimes having a professional to talk to can provide new perspectives and strategies for moving forward. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and it's okay to ask for help.