Friend makes me feel like a burden

[rabbitrok]

First off, this friend is also my roommate. Second of all, I'm autistic and she has ADHD. Idk how much that matters, but just for background. We've been friends 15 yrs, roommates for around 9 years. 

What prompted me to post this was today I tell her I'm doing the dishes, and she says, "Please arrange them cohesively and not in a mess so I don't have to go back and fix it." and I say, "I arrange them as well as I can." It's true, I spend 20-30 extra minutes rearranging every time I do this dishes, usually when she's not home to avoid criticism. But she still says this isn't good enough. She says, "Last time you put a huge pan in the bottom rack and I took it out and could fit so many more dishes there. You're supposed to handwash large pots and pans." I informed her I handwash leftover items that don't fit, but it made more sense to me to place what large items I could in the dishwasher, as I'd rather handwash small items. She tells me she'll just wash the dishes so I won't mess it up.

I was also going to make my lunch while washing the dishes, so now I can't eat until she's done, and I'm going to feel guilty getting clean dishes out to use right after they've been washed. 

But yeah, this happens often. She criticizes the way I do everything. Reminds me a lot of my mom actually. It's too the point there are certain things I don't ask her or tell her because I just know she'll have something extra to say about it. Last week she was baking something. I asked what it was. She answered and then added, "And don't touch them they're mine!" I wasn't going to touch them, I never thought about touching them or asking for one. It really hurt my feelings that she just assumed I was going to take one. The other day we were at a restaurant and she got up to go to the bathroom and she asked me to watch her purse. She then adds, "Seriously watch it, don't say you will and then get up and go somewhere." Why would I get up and go somewhere? God last night a random woman at the park asked me to watch her bag while she ran to her car and I said yes, and she didn't add anything or threaten me or say anything else, she just accepted my word and thanked me and went off. Why can a stranger take my word at face value but my long time friend can't? No matter how many times I tell her or I try to follow what she wants, it's never good enough, and it makes me feel like I'm a burden because she feels like she has to over compensated for me, But she doesn't. 

[Andrina]

Maybe it's better if you're friends and not roommates. Perhaps discuss not being roommates when the lease is up. Some people rent those mother-in-law suites, or maybe you can afford a studio.

It's really hard to have a roommate because you have to match on every single major thing and that's hard to find.

[ShySoul]

When a person says something, it's just as much about them as it is you. Often it's more about them then you.

For whatever reason, she feels the need to be in control of things. It may be the ADHD. It may be past experiences that have caused her to believe things will go wrong if not done in precisely the way she says. She may internally feel a lack of control in her life so tries to overcompensate by controlling the things she can. You, as the person nearest to her, end up getting the brunt of he commands/complaints. But it's not about you. Don't take it personally, she would treat anyone who happens to be there the same way. It also doesn't mean she doesn't trust or like you. That she is your roommate and asks you do to things probably, in her mind, is a sign that she does like and trust you as much as she can anyone. There's just a difference in how you both express and interpret things.

This may seem silly, but is it possible to have separate items and storage? And different schedules? If you each have your own dishes and are responsible for them, then you can each wash them however you want. Workout a schedule for who is responsible for what and when they'll be doing it. Then just don't interfere with the other person's belongings. 

[Cherylyn]

Either choose a different roommate or have an in depth discussion with your roommate and change chores.  Since she's so particular about dishes,  do another chore such as clean the apartment,  laundry,  errands or something like that. 

Do the opposite,  wash big items by hand and put dishes,  glassware,  etc in the dishwasher.  That's what I do at my house. 

As for the purse,  tell her it's better for her to take her purse with her to the restroom so she can be responsible for her valuables and belongings. 

Since she's so critical regarding how you do chores,  you have every right to be particular about how she does chores for both of you as well.  Be fair. 

[LootieTootie]

Time to move out. Back in my young days, I only got along with one roommate and even then I struggled because of one particular thing she did.

[catfeeder]

Whether living together or not, most relationships are bound to go through some cycles of conflict. You mention being roommates for 9 years, and that's admirable. Have you experienced clashes before? If so, how did you handle them?

At present, it sounds like she's in a cycle of being critical while you're in one of feeling tender. You may have experienced varying degrees of these conflicts over the years without noticing so much because she may have been critical while you were not so tender, or you may have felt tender during times when she wasn't so critical. But now you're in a cycle where the two extremes are clashing together, and ouch. You really feel it.

I'd make room for this and consider what I can do to manage my own side of this equation in a good natured way. For instance, with the dishes, I'd raise that I understand she's been unhappy with the way that I do the dishes, and while I'm happy to learn her rationale over time in how she'd prefer that the kitchen stay organized, maybe there's another job that she hates doing that I could take off her hands to compensate.

As for the purse, I'd just chalk that off as her being crotchety. My Mom is one for leaving her purse in a shopping cart. She needed to use the restroom and stressed to me that I had to watch her purse carefully. I laughed and raised that she could take the purse with her if she didn't trust my care of it, and she laughed and went onward. Point is, this was more about her anxiety about walking away from her purse than a reflection on me, personally. I get that. It's no big deal--unless I want to make it one.

Head high, and congrats on your long term success, overall, with your roommate.

[TeeDee]

Everybody has different ways of doing domestic chores.  I joke all the time that my husband doesn't really live in our house because after our kitchen remodel in 2015 he rarely puts pots & pans away where they belong.  I also don't like the way he folds towels.  It's human nature.  You are not a burden.

With respect to the pots & pans, I hate doing dishes.  While your system of loading the big things in the dishwasher & washing the small ones has some merit, her objection is more practical.  Dishwashers rarely do a good job on pots & pans.  She simply wants them to be clean which may not happen in a dishwasher. 

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

... her objection is more practical.  Dishwashers rarely do a good job on pots & pans.  She simply wants them to be clean which may not happen in a dishwasher. 

Yeah, you're mixing the fats and other ooze onto any of the other items that don't carry that stuff. While some dishwashers might be good enough to pull that off without leaving everything feeling sticky, just the psychology of it might be hard for an older person to feel great about. They remember the days when a dishwasher was for dishes, while pots and pans needed more effort and TLC.