What am i doing wrong?

[kevon]

On 5/29/2024 at 4:56 PM, TeeDee said:

Kevon 

Please don't give up. 

I think you could use a moral boost.  Consider starting a gratitude journal.  Every morning wake up & write 3 things you are grateful for.  Write 3 more different ones at night.   Once a week read your journal. 

They don't have to be profound but they can be.  For example in winter my down comforter makes the list a lot.  🥶  Sometimes it's a beautiful sunset; other times that somebody gave me a compliment. 

I can start your list for you if you like: 

1.  You have a university education 

2.  Your parents let you live at home during uni

3.  You have a job 

You may want to consider the services of a real life matchmaker and/or dating coach.  I am not talking some PUA, reb/blue/black pill BS.  I am talking about a flesh & blood person who you can see & who can assess you in the flesh & give you tips, nothing through a screen or call.  

thank you for your kind words.

 

yeah, i was almost in this whole reb/blue/black pill BS. insane, that people are legit earning money with this.

[kevon]

20 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Please don't give up. As painful as life can be, there can be moments of happiness. I agree with TeeDee, focus on having gratitude for the bright spots. Make a list. They don't have to be huge, life altering things. Start small. Find anything that makes you smile. It can be a song that puts you in a good mood, a show that makes you laugh. It can be a peaceful walk or relaxing bubble bath. Point is to fill your mind with postive things that uplift you rather then drowning in your misery.

I'm sorry to hear you were abused. No one should ever have to put up with that. I don't know the details and won't pretend I understand what you are feeling. But I do understand two things. One, it wasn't your fault. You did not cause it to happen, it was the other person that choose to do so for whatever reason. And two, you survived. If the world is survival of the fittest, then that must be a sign of how fit you are. You didn't give up and roll over. You are still here fighting, no matter how tiring the fight is. I actually think those who undergo adversity, who find themselves struggling like you are, are the strongest people of all. Those who have it easy don't often appreciate all they have. But those who struggle for it, can appreciate it better. One day things will turn around and when it does you will know just how special it all is because of everything it took to get there.

I've had a couple people who I felt despised me. It wasn't me though. It was there jealousy of me and their own insecurities. That was backed by the fact that these people had problems with everyone around us. Meanwhile, no one had a bad thing to say about me. Likewise, I've had friends and family ignore me. Sometimes I feel as if I'm invisible in the world. But I do know that at least some of them care about me, even if they aren't always good about showing it.

One of the hardest things I've learned is that often things that happen to us have nothing to do with us. Often people become so focused on them that they don't realize the effect they might be having on someone else. People become busy with their own lives and struggles. They don't understand the issue because their mind cant wrap itself around what we are feeling or going through. They are just too tired to deal with it. But that's on them. It doesn't mean we are worthless or responsible. 

You can't control what others do. You can only control what you do. So focus on doing what makes you feel better.

thanks for your answer. yes i try to do, but it is also hard for me simply just to be with myself as i hate it so much and cant bear to "hang out just by myself"...

[TeeDee]

3 hours ago, kevon said:

thank you for your kind words.

 

yeah, i was almost in this whole reb/blue/black pill BS. insane, that people are legit earning money with this.

You're welcome.  

It's only insane if you give them Your money.  😀   As P.T. Barnum said, "there's a sucker born every minute."  I don't begrudge the ones who profit but I do feel bad for the ones who fall for their nonsense.  

 

When I replied the 1st time I skimmed everything & didn't realize your ethnic background.  Although the world is a diverse place, marriage is serious business wherein people of similar backgrounds tend to flock together.  I am not saying you are stuck there but acknowledging that you may face prejudice.  

Do you have a big enough pool of people who share your culture or at least your cultural values?  If not, where can you find such people?  That may increase your chances of successful dating.  

[kevon]

On 5/30/2024 at 11:41 PM, TeeDee said:

You're welcome.  

It's only insane if you give them Your money.  😀   As P.T. Barnum said, "there's a sucker born every minute."  I don't begrudge the ones who profit but I do feel bad for the ones who fall for their nonsense.  

 

When I replied the 1st time I skimmed everything & didn't realize your ethnic background.  Although the world is a diverse place, marriage is serious business wherein people of similar backgrounds tend to flock together.  I am not saying you are stuck there but acknowledging that you may face prejudice.  

Do you have a big enough pool of people who share your culture or at least your cultural values?  If not, where can you find such people?  That may increase your chances of successful dating.  

Thanks for replying.
My problem is also about ethnic background as well as skin colour as well as, i dont want to have more then already too many connections to it. It might be because abuse, religious values and the status were highly ingrained here as well as decided by parents grand parents or religious higher ups. This is why i absolutely do not want to have anything to do with that ethnic community nor would i ever date anyone from there.

Maybe it is just too much iam asking for, which is why iam destined to be alone.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kevon said:

which is why iam destined to be alone.

No such thing as destined to be alone with rare exception -meaning someone who has no control over choices/actions etc- 99.99% of people make a choice as to who they interact with, when and how - just like some people choose to be alone -that makes them happy.  For sure life isn't fair- I was never alone -I had family and friends but I felt I had to work harder to find the right person to marry and hope for a family with then certain of my family members, friends, women I knew.  The "destined to be alone" pity party -I mean sure sometimes it's good to have a little pity party -get it out of your system then move along and take actions consistent with your goals.  

I have friends who left restrictive religious communities.  It's hard. It can be done for sure.  Good luck.

[kevon]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

No such thing as destined to be alone with rare exception -meaning someone who has no control over choices/actions etc- 99.99% of people make a choice as to who they interact with, when and how - just like some people choose to be alone -that makes them happy.  For sure life isn't fair- I was never alone -I had family and friends but I felt I had to work harder to find the right person to marry and hope for a family with then certain of my family members, friends, women I knew.  The "destined to be alone" pity party -I mean sure sometimes it's good to have a little pity party -get it out of your system then move along and take actions consistent with your goals.  

I have friends who left restrictive religious communities.  It's hard. It can be done for sure.  Good luck.

I know. An example: i challenge myself to speak or greet elder folks in the tube or in buses to cheer them up. At least 3 times a day. A smile, greeint or wishing them to have a nice day or to simply talk about the weather. I dont do more but i listen for 5-10min If the elderlies are talkative. I really would love to be talked to by a woman. I know women wont do that.

Despite that this is my wish and even though i tried so many times to talk up someone who looked nice or sympathetic it never worked out.

Friends said to me, i look needy or creepy, or due to skincolour most women won't bother or would think about a passport scammer. This hurt me a lot and still lies deep within me as a fear.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, kevon said:

Friends said to me, i look needy or creepy, or due to skincolour most women won't bother or would think about a passport scammer. This hurt me a lot and still lies deep within me as a fear.

Would you entertain a relationship with a woman who has these opinions about foreigners? Wouldn’t it be off putting? 
Look, I’m often seen as a weird person due to my tastes and because I’m a bit secretive and hate small talk. People don’t often come talk to me easily, but I don’t really care, I mean the right guy, I think (hope) he will embrace my difference. It also helps see who is more compatible with my personality and keep others at a distance… but one thing sure, don’t give up on empowering emotional intelligence, because at the end, it is what makes social interactions easier. 

[Sindy_0311]

I just remembered one thing that happened last week. We decided to go for a drink with two girls from the gym and one of them came with her roommate guy. We were sitting at the bar, the two girls in the middle, talking a lot and the roommate interacting a lot with them. At some point I disconnected from the conversation because it wasn’t of my taste, to superficial. And after a while, the roommate he stood up and came to me. He noticed me silent. we then both engaged in a deep and pleasant conversation. I’m sure he is also an introvert and felt more comfortable staying with me than with the two girls. When they left we stayed talking together for a few more hours. Just to say that you don’t have to force yourself into being something you are not. By being authentic, you will attract the people who get you and with whom you can have a deep connection with. 

[catfeeder]

On 5/26/2024 at 6:02 AM, kevon said:

i had 3 dates in the last 5 years. nothing more than "you are a nice guy but..." no kiss, no 2nd chance. nothing.

Most people who date can point to their first 3, or 10 or 100 that didn't work out, because most people are NOT our match. That's why people use online meeting sites and don't even go on full dates until they've set up quick meets for a cup of coffee or tea first, to check one another out. The high majority of those meets end with a polite, "It was a pleasure to meet you..." with zero follow-up from either person. It's a needle-in-the-haystack thing of sorting through the numbers, and those are just natural odds.

And that's not because either person who meets is 'bad' or 'despised,' but rather because each person views others through a fine lens that won't click with most people. We don't own the capacity to see and appreciate the unique value of all others. So simpatico is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it? There's a lid for every pot, or some such saying, because it's true. 

Online dating used to be a creepy thing, and now most people use it. Not to set up full dates, but for 'speed meeting' where they set up 15-20 minute coffee meets. They agree that neither will corner the other on the spot for a 'real date,' but rather, either can invite the other afterward. If the other accepts, they respond. If not, then no response is necessary. So this is the context for socially acceptable 'ghosting,' and people do it all the time.

Resilience is not an innate life skill--it needs to be self-developed. Lots of people your age have never even had 3 dates. But if you've had 3, then you can land 3 more. And 3 more. Just don't make them real dates right off the bat--set up quick meets over tea or coffee, treat each person as a respectful stranger rather than as a 'date', and allow bad matches to pass early. Those WILL be in the majority, and that's true of everyone. Rejection is nothing more than recognizing that an equally valid puzzle piece doesn't fit one particular puzzle--so try another.

On 5/26/2024 at 6:12 PM, kevon said:

thinking that my nerd friends got their girlfriends in school and uni while iam not 35 and not even have grasped anything closely to a romantic relationship is just soulcrushing.

You can spend your bandwidth nursing that soul crush and drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, or you can view it as having been asleep to the idea of romance for most of your life, and now you're awake. So here you are--play the hand you're dealt.

You can now make becoming datable a project. You can create steps, tasks and milestones. Work this with your therapist. Pursue online dating, meetup.org groups, interests in hobbies and socializing with all ages, sexes and backgrounds who you meet around those interests.

Consider this a social project that broadens your scope of life experience and does not recognize any other person of goodwill as a waste of your time to get to know. Especially older people. Those are your potential social mentors who've seen it all and can help you to appreciate your fallible humanity instead of sentencing yourself to feeling like a freak. Allow yourself to become THEIR 'project'.

On 5/26/2024 at 6:50 PM, kevon said:

i would not date an indian since iam adopted and i dont have much in common with them.

I live surrounded by Indians and Pakistanis who are generous and love teaching me about their cultures. We have little in common beyond enjoyment in sharing exactly what we do NOT have in common. If I, a white woman, can allow others to dress me up in saris and show me off at parties and puja rituals, then you can extend yourself to explore a bit, right? Don't close your mind.

9 hours ago, kevon said:

This is why i absolutely do not want to have anything to do with that ethnic community nor would i ever date anyone from there.

Some of the most fascinating people are those who've been raised in ethnic communities that they've grown to see as provincial and even ridiculous, and yet they are able to operate within them because they respect the limits of others. And those people tend to find one another and share their expansiveness while they also expand their own experiences of the world. You just never know who you might meet.

5 hours ago, kevon said:

i listen for 5-10min If the elderlies are talkative. I really would love to be talked to by a woman. I know women wont do that.

Many women don't feel safe chatting with strangers during daily errands and commutes. Their priority is to get where they need to go safely, and strangers chatting them up isn't considered 'safe'. And this is why people tend to use online dating sites, meetup.org groups, community clubs or classes or events to meet people.

Have you considered setting up profiles on dating or community sites specifically designed for meeting people?

[TeeDee]

The world has changed so much over the years.  Smiling at nodding at strangers in public on the tube or wherever is fine; expecting more than that is considered creepy these days.  You need places to socialize where it's more acceptable to talk to strangers. 

Is there an alumni group from your university where you live?  Go to events sponsored by them. 

Find some group related to what you do for work:  chamber of commerce, continued education, convention etc. & meet people that way.  I met my husband at a business card exchange.  

Join a coed soccer team & socialize with the other players. 

Become a regular at your local pub even if you don't drink. 

[kevon]

On 6/2/2024 at 5:33 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

I just remembered one thing that happened last week. We decided to go for a drink with two girls from the gym and one of them came with her roommate guy. We were sitting at the bar, the two girls in the middle, talking a lot and the roommate interacting a lot with them. At some point I disconnected from the conversation because it wasn’t of my taste, to superficial. And after a while, the roommate he stood up and came to me. He noticed me silent. we then both engaged in a deep and pleasant conversation. I’m sure he is also an introvert and felt more comfortable staying with me than with the two girls. When they left we stayed talking together for a few more hours. Just to say that you don’t have to force yourself into being something you are not. By being authentic, you will attract the people who get you and with whom you can have a deep connection with. 

same. i feel sometimes ignored or left alone. i would in this case try my hardest to get into the conversation or completely mute myself from the situation becoming silent and even chat with the guy.

On 6/2/2024 at 8:43 PM, catfeeder said:

Online dating used to be a creepy thing, and now most people use it. Not to set up full dates, but for 'speed meeting' where they set up 15-20 minute coffee meets. They agree that neither will corner the other on the spot for a 'real date,' but rather, either can invite the other afterward. If the other accepts, they respond. If not, then no response is necessary. So this is the context for socially acceptable 'ghosting,' and people do it all the time.

Resilience is not an innate life skill--it needs to be self-developed. Lots of people your age have never even had 3 dates. But if you've had 3, then you can land 3 more. And 3 more. Just don't make them real dates right off the bat--set up quick meets over tea or coffee, treat each person as a respectful stranger rather than as a 'date', and allow bad matches to pass early. Those WILL be in the majority, and that's true of everyone. Rejection is nothing more than recognizing that an equally valid puzzle piece doesn't fit one particular puzzle--so try another.

You can spend your bandwidth nursing that soul crush and drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, or you can view it as having been asleep to the idea of romance for most of your life, and now you're awake. So here you are--play the hand you're dealt.

You can now make becoming datable a project. You can create steps, tasks and milestones. Work this with your therapist. Pursue online dating, meetup.org groups, interests in hobbies and socializing with all ages, sexes and backgrounds who you meet around those interests.

Consider this a social project that broadens your scope of life experience and does not recognize any other person of goodwill as a waste of your time to get to know. Especially older people. Those are your potential social mentors who've seen it all and can help you to appreciate your fallible humanity instead of sentencing yourself to feeling like a freak. Allow yourself to become THEIR 'project'.

I live surrounded by Indians and Pakistanis who are generous and love teaching me about their cultures. We have little in common beyond enjoyment in sharing exactly what we do NOT have in common. If I, a white woman, can allow others to dress me up in saris and show me off at parties and puja rituals, then you can extend yourself to explore a bit, right? Don't close your mind.

Some of the most fascinating people are those who've been raised in ethnic communities that they've grown to see as provincial and even ridiculous, and yet they are able to operate within them because they respect the limits of others. And those people tend to find one another and share their expansiveness while they also expand their own experiences of the world. You just never know who you might meet.

Many women don't feel safe chatting with strangers during daily errands and commutes. Their priority is to get where they need to go safely, and strangers chatting them up isn't considered 'safe'. And this is why people tend to use online dating sites, meetup.org groups, community clubs or classes or events to meet people.

Have you considered setting up profiles on dating or community sites specifically designed for meeting people?

i feel very bad to say this, but nothing has worked for me online. i really feel like the ugliest creature online. in the real world i get sometimes compliments like "wow, you look handsome" "you must be getting plenty of girls" etc.

at first i felt honoured but with the years i felt people straight lying into my face because if all those comments were honest and real, why do i not get nothing out of those "compliments"?

i have wasted trying every bigger app as well as 2 online websites specifically for my area and nothing has come around. i wrote with some, but nothing came to fruition. after 3 years, i gave up and tried to chat up someone in real life. and here this is also very soul crushing...