LotusBlack Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 10 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Yoo... 😤 How long were seeing him until that happened? Only a few weeks and we had not seen each other in person since the airport or spoken on the phone. Just texted. At that point, I did not consider us involved in any way due to the limited time we’d known each other and logistical limitations. We had a very newly developing interest and we’re just talking at that time. This was about 10 years ago. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 Thank you for the additional context @LotusBlackand fwiw I would feel same as you. NOT appropriate and offensive. 16 minutes ago, LotusBlack said: My own preference, in general, is to not pursue relationships with anyone who speaks with such sexual vulgarity. I agree with this^. However I will also say that what one person considers sexual vulgarity, another may not. That is NOT to take away from your experience with this um "person" or downplay it, only that it's subjective. I say that because my last ex had made a comment to me that many many people on this forum considered to be sexually vulgar, however in context, it was intended to be playful which is how I interpreted it based on the manner in which the comment was said which was playfully and conveying sexual attraction which was mutual. It was cute and playful and we both had a chuckle. It was one of those "you had to be there" moments if you know what I mean. Repeating it here did the comment no justice whatsoever which is understandable, the written word is often ambiguous and can be interpreted in different ways. That said in your case with this * with the additional context you provided, big fat ICK and spoke volumes about him and his character and not in a good way. Good riddance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LotusBlack Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I agree with this^. However I will also say that what one person considers sexual vulgarity, another may not. That is NOT to take away from your experience with this um "person" or downplay it, only that it's subjective. I respectfully disagree that what one considers vulgar is a subjective thing. There is a universally accepted number of terms that when used in particular contexts are understood to be vulgar no matter how you slice it; however, the thing that is subjective, is how you feel about it. Some people appreciate the vulgarity and welcome it, therefore it lacks the offensive nature that vulgarity often comes with. Others don’t appreciate it, so it is taken with offence. Vulgar is vulgar irregardless of whether it is enjoyed as playful or sexual banter or not. But yes, good riddance! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 2 hours ago, LotusBlack said: There is a universally accepted number of terms that when used in particular contexts are understood to be vulgar no matter how you slice it; however, the thing that is subjective, is how you feel about it. Okay fair enough! And I don't disagree. As such, I will retract what I posted in my previous. In my particular situation with my ex, in context, it was not vulgar, it was playful. In a different context, with a different man and different dynamic, I might have considered the same comment vulgar. And have!! Using online for example, if/when a man made the same or similar comment to me before meeting, it went straight to trash! In any event, I just used as an example. IMO language, the words and phrases we use can be interpreted in different ways depending on context, which is what I alluded to in my first post, about repeating a comment to strangers on a message forum or in real when such strangers are not privy to the context etc. Which is what you said as well in the post above if I am interpreting it correctly? That is really all I meant and again I thank you for providing that context (and wording) because I now totally understand your feelings and again I would feel the same... 🙂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 1 hour ago, LotusBlack said: I respectfully disagree that what one considers vulgar is a subjective thing. There is a universally accepted number of terms that when used in particular contexts are understood to be vulgar no matter how you slice it; however, the thing that is subjective, is how you feel about it. Some people appreciate the vulgarity and welcome it, therefore it lacks the offensive nature that vulgarity often comes with. Others don’t appreciate it, so it is taken with offence. Vulgar is vulgar irregardless of whether it is enjoyed as playful or sexual banter or not. But yes, good riddance! Totally. And for sure some women would welcome the vulgarity -maybe would be a turn on. I'd have been shocked and repulsed too - disgusting. I think he wanted to test the waters too so to speak. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LotusBlack Posted May 30 Share Posted May 30 5 hours ago, Batya33 said: Totally. And for sure some women would welcome the vulgarity -maybe would be a turn on. I'd have been shocked and repulsed too - disgusting. I think he wanted to test the waters too so to speak. I agree; likely wanted to test the waters. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrMan1983 Posted May 30 Share Posted May 30 On 5/25/2024 at 1:22 PM, yogacat said: Yes, I figured as much. That's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, there was a period in my life where I was a little too comfortable being single and a bit of a lion (without the cat), and in that period I 100% would have done that and been fine with it. But none of my LTRS and the majority of dates I have been on included innuendo of any sort initially. Heck, one man I dated, was so bone dry with 0 innuendo I left it feeling like I was almost a lesbian. I see starting with flirting and innuendo is either because they want it sooner (I assume) or they want it to build up to, I don't know how to phrase it, the point where dating becomes about less about getting to know you but getting to know you physically, I guess. Yeah, I am quickly realizing that. That's why I am trying to find ways or strategies to cut it off. I don't want to offend or come off as too serious or something. If he was a genuine pig it would make it so much easier. LOL It's a bit of a balance, sometimes if you don't flirt at all you end up in the friends zone category or seen as a guy with no confidence, a lot of women enjoy a little bit of light flirting and enjoy the guy leading however obviously there's levels and appropriate times. I'm not talking straight in there with sleazy innuendos though 😂 But also not acting bone dry or just like you're a mate, otherwise you'll end up one (which is fine if that's what you want, but not if you feel there's more). Do you reckon the problem is actually his flirting, or do you think maybe you were just not that into him? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrMan1983 Posted May 30 Share Posted May 30 On 5/28/2024 at 11:51 PM, LotusBlack said: His response was “That would be bad. But, much better would be me impaling you.” J-heeeesus, talk about 0-100 🤢 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LotusBlack Posted May 30 Share Posted May 30 1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said: J-heeeesus, talk about 0-100 🤢 Right! It was pretty gross. Even had I fancied myself completely in love with someone who then said that, I’d have gotten over my feeling pretty quickly. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 30 Share Posted May 30 1 hour ago, LotusBlack said: Right! It was pretty gross. Even had I fancied myself completely in love with someone who then said that, I’d have gotten over my feeling pretty quickly. Yes - early on especially it's so important to be able to read the room so to speak and even if you think something way off color will be funny better to be cautious if you don't know the person well yet. Although a friend of mine made a boo boo at work years ago- he spent the day in a conference room going through reams of paperwork with a woman from another company who was there for the same reason. To pass the time they spoke of old commercials and old TV shows. He had -zero interest in her -and wasn't attempting to be flirtatious. They were in their 20s and single- similar ages. At the end of the day she said something like nice to meet you and maybe suggested they keep in touch professionally -back then you simply exchanged business cards. So he told me he said -referencing a particular old commercial they'd referenced multiple times "ok but remember you have to pick up the phone and call!!!" He said she got this kind of weird look and said "oh. I feel really uncomfortable now." So he referenced the commercial. Nope- didn't work. They parted and that was it and he felt -awful! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LotusBlack Posted May 30 Share Posted May 30 5 hours ago, Batya33 said: Yes - early on especially it's so important to be able to read the room so to speak and even if you think something way off color will be funny better to be cautious if you don't know the person well yet. Although a friend of mine made a boo boo at work years ago- he spent the day in a conference room going through reams of paperwork with a woman from another company who was there for the same reason. To pass the time they spoke of old commercials and old TV shows. He had -zero interest in her -and wasn't attempting to be flirtatious. They were in their 20s and single- similar ages. At the end of the day she said something like nice to meet you and maybe suggested they keep in touch professionally -back then you simply exchanged business cards. So he told me he said -referencing a particular old commercial they'd referenced multiple times "ok but remember you have to pick up the phone and call!!!" He said she got this kind of weird look and said "oh. I feel really uncomfortable now." So he referenced the commercial. Nope- didn't work. They parted and that was it and he felt -awful! Oh dear! It happens to the best of us where our brains just don’t register any other perspective than the one we have regarding what we are about to say. I’ve put my foot in it a fair few times. 😅 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted June 4 Author Share Posted June 4 On 5/30/2024 at 3:54 AM, MrMan1983 said: It's a bit of a balance, sometimes if you don't flirt at all you end up in the friends zone category or seen as a guy with no confidence, a lot of women enjoy a little bit of light flirting and enjoy the guy leading however obviously there's levels and appropriate times. I'm not talking straight in there with sleazy innuendos though 😂 But also not acting bone dry or just like you're a mate, otherwise you'll end up one (which is fine if that's what you want, but not if you feel there's more). Do you reckon the problem is actually his flirting, or do you think maybe you were just not that into him? That's true. I do give off that impression. It's not to say that I am not attracted, it's just that I feel those types of comments are often unnecessary and can feel forced. I appreciate a bit of light flirting, but I also value genuine conversation and connection more. Sometimes, the best way to show interest is through authentic engagement rather than trying to impress with flirtatious remarks. So, it’s not necessarily about his flirting; it’s more about how we connect and communicate beyond that surface level. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted June 5 Author Share Posted June 5 So, the big question is: would you be willing to make a 3,000-mile trip just to have dinner with a woman? Personally, I don't mind if he wants to make the trip. It could be a chance to meet someone new and try out a new restaurant, talk, laugh, etc. Who knows, we could even become good friends or discover mutual interests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 9 minutes ago, yogacat said: So, the big question is: would you be willing to make a 3,000-mile trip just to have dinner with a woman? Personally, I don't mind if he wants to make the trip. It could be a chance to meet someone new and try out a new restaurant, talk, laugh, etc. Who knows, we could even become good friends or discover mutual interests. Yes as long as you meet in a public place and don't get in a car with him or your car.I would not be comfortable meeting a person who would travel all that distance just to meet me especially if the two people weren't looking for marriage and you said you're not specifically/hasn't been discussed. I rarely communicated with long distance people through online dating sites. There was one exception and he had family in my area and would be visiting in a month. But he wanted me to promise not to date anyone in the meantime. I said I wouldn't do that. we stayed in touch as friends. 4 years later I'd moved to my current city and was a new mom and married. He was visiting family in that city and had a first meet-it was a couple hour drive. So we met in person on his second date with the woman lol. Oh and my baby son was there too. After that we saw each other two or three times when he visited my city and he now does IT work for our personal devices! We are good friends! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 35 minutes ago, yogacat said: would you be willing to make a 3,000-mile trip just to have dinner with a woman? If he wants to, sure. I wouldn't do it to someone though (as the woman). I know a story of a couple who met at a wedding briefly, and then the man decided to drive 2 hours to meet the woman on the first date (he was very much into her, but she was not sure of what to expect). They surprisingly hit it off super well and decided to meet half-way in the next dates. They're now happily married, live together and have a kido. Edit: MUST meet somewhere public for sure. How long would it take for him to drive 3,000 miles? (I'm not familiar with the miles system). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted June 5 Author Share Posted June 5 5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: If he wants to, sure. I wouldn't do it to someone though (as the woman). I know a story of a couple who met at a wedding briefly, and then the man decided to drive 2 hours to meet the woman on the first date (he was very much into her, but she was not sure of what to expect). They surprisingly hit it off super well and decided to meet half-way in the next dates. They're now happily married, live together and have a kido. Edit: MUST meet somewhere public for sure. How long would it take for him to drive 3,000 miles? (I'm not familiar with the miles system). He's flying. I'm not putting any expectations in this, just two people meeting for a nice dinner and enjoying each other's company. Of course, there is always the concern in the back of my mind that he's married or otherwise involved, in which case, I want no part of that. But, there's no way for me to know for sure. That's why, I think the friend route is the safest option for sure. Definitely will meet in a public place, for sure! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 7 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: If he wants to, sure. I wouldn't do it to someone though (as the woman). I know a story of a couple who met at a wedding briefly, and then the man decided to drive 2 hours to meet the woman on the first date (he was very much into her, but she was not sure of what to expect). They surprisingly hit it off super well and decided to meet half-way in the next dates. They're now happily married, live together and have a kido. Edit: MUST meet somewhere public for sure. How long would it take for him to drive 3,000 miles? (I'm not familiar with the miles system). 3,000 miles most often is a plane flight. It's a 5 hour flight or so from NYC-California. Figure 50-60mph driving. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 Just now, yogacat said: He's flying. I'm not putting any expectations in this, just two people meeting for a nice dinner and enjoying each other's company. Of course, there is always the concern in the back of my mind that he's married or otherwise involved, in which case, I want no part of that. But, there's no way for me to know for sure. That's why, I think the friend route is the safest option for sure. Definitely will meet in a public place, for sure! If he is not here anyway for family or business etc I'd be very concerned as to his motives and or mental health. Meeting in a public place lessens safety risk but it's likely to get very awkward and uncomfortable. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 20 minutes ago, yogacat said: He's flying. Oh... 😳 Well that's something else. That's too much of a trip for someone they don't know. Would it be to exclusively meet you? How do you guys know each other? 22 minutes ago, yogacat said: Of course, there is always the concern in the back of my mind that he's married or otherwise involved, in which case, I want no part of that Touché! That's my concern too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted June 5 Author Share Posted June 5 2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Oh... 😳 Well that's something else. That's too much of a trip for someone they don't know. Would it be to exclusively meet you? How do you guys know each other? Touché! That's my concern too. Yes, it's odd. I had another man, that I was introduced to through my Sister, offer to fly to meet me. Albeit, much shorter distance. It never came to fruition, more from my side, but he's now in a committed relationship which I am happy for him. I met him online, we've been corresponding for about a month or so now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 4 minutes ago, yogacat said: I met him online, we've been corresponding for about a month or so now. Yeah, I'd be so suss... I'd literally ask him clearly if he has a gf or wife during the date. Are you able to find any info on him online? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Yeah, I'd be so suss... I'd literally ask him clearly if he has a gf or wife during the date. Are you able to find any info on him online? I'd ask him before and I'd make it clear you're delighted to meet him during the day in a public place. Please also stay sober. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted June 5 Author Share Posted June 5 5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Yeah, I'd be so suss... I'd literally ask him clearly if he has a gf or wife during the date. Are you able to find any info on him online? Thanks. He actually asked me about my relationship status, if I am actively dating, etc. What I am looking for in terms of a relationship, what my life goals are. I asked him if he was dating anyone, and he said nothing serious. But, who knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 2 minutes ago, yogacat said: Thanks. He actually asked me about my relationship status, if I am actively dating, etc. What I am looking for in terms of a relationship, what my life goals are. I asked him if he was dating anyone, and he said nothing serious. But, who knows. Yes those are good and typical questions. A man who travels 3000 miles for a first meet when you haven't indicated you're looking for a serious relationship leading to long term commitment means there's more going on - with rare exception. Either he's looking for sex because it's easier if he then leaves your bed and town ASAP and can't be traced easily for pregnancy or STDs (or his partner/date finding out), or there's something very wrong with him or his past and not just that he's shy/quirky/nerdy. Or he's trying to scam you in some way which again living far away -if he lives where he says he does-makes it harder for you to get recourse. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted June 5 Author Share Posted June 5 14 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yes those are good and typical questions. A man who travels 3000 miles for a first meet when you haven't indicated you're looking for a serious relationship leading to long term commitment means there's more going on - with rare exception. Either he's looking for sex because it's easier if he then leaves your bed and town ASAP and can't be traced easily for pregnancy or STDs (or his partner/date finding out), or there's something very wrong with him or his past and not just that he's shy/quirky/nerdy. Or he's trying to scam you in some way which again living far away -if he lives where he says he does-makes it harder for you to get recourse. Of course. One never knows for sure. Albeit, my cousin matched with a woman on Tinder (of all places) he is a Naval pilot and matched with her because of a mutual love of skiing. They're married now with children, she moved to be closer to him. The thing is, I am not looking to settle down. So, maybe that makes me a bit more susceptible to stranger danger in the form of a traveling penis. 😂 My ex, we consummated several months in. So, it wasn't unless I made it official. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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