Experience weird emotions about my husband's ex wife

[Loka56]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Take care and I hope today is better.

Not crying anymore, spending lots of time praying and finding a job. Last night, I got to sleep for 5 hours after two weeks. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Loka56 said:

Not crying anymore, spending lots of time praying and finding a job. Last night, I got to sleep for 5 hours after two weeks. 

I think praying is wonderful.  As part of the whole. The main thing though is action.  Why do  you want a job - to save up $ so you can leave? So you're distracted? For most people especially pregnant women 5 hours is not enough.  It wasn't enough for me when I was pregnant.

[Loka56]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I think praying is wonderful.  As part of the whole. The main thing though is action.  Why do  you want a job - to save up $ so you can leave? So you're distracted? For most people especially pregnant women 5 hours is not enough.  It wasn't enough for me when I was pregnant.

I need a job to bear expenses of my mom and younger sister. 

But, I'd also say: yes, I am distracted. I believe in, if anything happens, there should be one thing I can rely on. There's no human i can rely on. I need to have means to face struggles when they arrive. 

5 hours is not enough for me too. But I can barely sleep and eat these days. 

[Loka56]

What action should I take? I tried talking to him when I was home but he walked away and shut the door at my face.

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Loka56 said:

What action should I take? I tried talking to him when I was home but he walked away and shut the door at my face.

 

I made suggestions of actions in my post. Also it could be a communication breakdown -you choose to react to emotions by sending him whatsapp messages venting.  So after awhile he is tired of that and doesn't want to go there with you so even if you approach him in a calm mature way he may be wary of it becoming another crap show. You also don't trust that he will listen to you and speak to you in a mature way. That is one of the reasons I made the suggestions I did above.

Also it sounds like you were a person who reacted to being swept off your feet by some person you barely knew proposing marriage - the downside of going with the flow of being swept off your feet is most decisions are made with your heart only and not with a combination of head and heart.  And since you were talking about life altering decisions like marriage and pregnancy choosing to overlook how he approached you and how "angry" you were when you first interacted might have contributed to committing to someone who doesn't seem like the right person for you. 

[Loka56]

Now I can't go back in the past and change things.

I don't want to go against my psychologist's suggestion. She suggested to not communicate with him at this moment. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Loka56 said:

Now I can't go back in the past and change things.

I don't want to go against my psychologist's suggestion. She suggested to not communicate with him at this moment. 

OK.  I was not suggesting you do that and I was providing context. You can change how you behave about your health and your baby's health. I made suggestions above.  You can't change how you communicated recently in an immature/ranting way and he can't change that he recently slammed a door.  What the two of you can do is realize that this recent behavior now taints future choices and either choose to have marital counseling to learn how to get past how you each behaved, how to communicate in a mature way and/or to choose to communicate only about co-parenting and separating.  I made suggestions above on what actions to take to which you haven't responded.  Those are the suggestions  I have .  Take care.

[Loka56]

I am trying to take care of myself and the baby. Eating fruits, foods i like, exercising, going on walks. 

Already consulting with a psychologist and hoping he will take sessions too. 

Thank you. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK.  I was not suggesting you do that and I was providing context. You can change how you behave about your health and your baby's health. I made suggestions above.  You can't change how you communicated recently in an immature/ranting way and he can't change that he recently slammed a door.  What the two of you can do is realize that this recent behavior now taints future choices and either choose to have marital counseling to learn how to get past how you each behaved, how to communicate in a mature way and/or to choose to communicate only about co-parenting and separating.  I made suggestions above on what actions to take to which you haven't responded.  Those are the suggestions  I have .  Take care.

 

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

I am trying to take care of myself and the baby. Eating fruits, foods i like, exercising, going on walks. 

Already consulting with a psychologist and hoping he will take sessions too. 

Thank you. 

 

When are you going to get regular sufficient sleep? Is crying all night and being in an enviroment where a door is slammed in your face good for your baby? incessant venting and ranting in whatsapp messages? 

I'm glad you are eating well -I did my very best to do so as well when I was pregnant. 

I feel like you want to rant/vent and give yourself excuses why you should stay in this situation.  I've given my suggestions, take it or leave it and for sure if ranting/venting helps you here go for it but please don't ask for input then.  It's confusing.

[Loka56]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I've given my suggestions, take it or leave it and for sure if ranting/venting helps you here go for it but please don't ask for input then. 

Seems like a confusion. 

 

You suggested 

- i should stay at my mother's place (I am already here) 

- I should take care of me and the baby (doing that. Sleep will also improve)

- should consult with a therapist (already doing that) 

- not using Whatsapp to communicate with him. Infact haven't communicated since Friday. 

 

What else?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Seems like a confusion. 

 

You suggested 

- i should stay at my mother's place (I am already here) 

- I should take care of me and the baby (doing that. Sleep will also improve)

- should consult with a therapist (already doing that) 

- not using Whatsapp to communicate with him. Infact haven't communicated since Friday. 

 

What else?

I'm glad you are staying at your mother's house. I didn't suggest the Whatsapp thing -that's an example of the poor and sysfunctional interactions in your marriage.  I'd perhaps try marriage counseling and consider a co-parenting arrangement and a marital separation. You seem to be almost hostile to my suggestions so I will stop now.  You pushing back and getting defensive makes little sense as far as being open to input.  I'm glad you've now shared you intend to get more rest for you and your growing pregnancy.  Hopefully those intentions will bear out in reality.

Last night my husband and son returned from a 5 day trip involving a trip to another country, a bike tour, skipping stones in a lake, swimming, sightseeing.  After a long day of travel my 15 year old came home smiling, full of hugs and kisses for me, full of stories.  My husband worked very very hard to plan this trip and implement all they did and it involved tons of driving around and figuring out daily plans to maximize fun and adventure.

He's taking him on his own on a number of trips by now -now that our son is older, now that the pandemic is over.  He works way more than full time and for years took care of his aging parents and he travels all the time and he's not about quality time he's about being a parent -he's about all sorts of time  with his son who feels loved and cared for and sees how even if my husband and I argue -his dad and I - we make up, we love and respect and admire each other.  

Can you imagine right now - your husband being that sort of parent to your child.  Age appropriate I mean - certainly taking a baby away on a trip isn't so practical -but like I described - him being a parent who spends that sort of time with their son -not only road trips but daily - changing diapers, taking turns when the baby is up at night or sick or just needs cuddles? Shopping for all the baby stuff that seems to run out at the wrong time?

Taking the child to the playground, doctors appointments, leaving a restaurant if the baby is fussing too much and doing this as part of a parenting team, as your spouse as a person who is committed -joyfully committed -to you and his family. 

Right now -can you? Right now is this person who slams doors, who behaves erratically - this is a person you want to be married to and have a baby with? How are you going to risk being up all night crying as often as you are, being buried in your phone texting incessantly to vent and rant, continuously letting your "feelings take over" and losing it on him -how will you be present as the mom to a newborn, an infant, a baby, a toddler?

Will you hold your baby who is fussing while you text all the vitriol? Will you hold your baby calmly when a door is slammed in your face? How does that work, exactly? Praying is fine and good - but your growing pregnancy and your future baby need more than prayers. So do you.  IMHO.  

[Loka56]

I don't think he will do any of that. And this is heartbreaking. 

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

.  I'd perhaps try marriage counseling and consider a co-parenting arrangement and a marital separation. You seem to be almost hostile to my suggestions so I will stop

I don't think I have the means to separate. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Loka56 said:

I don't think he will do any of that. And this is heartbreaking. 

I don't think I have the means to separate. 

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you the best and will let others comment. I'm glad you are at your moms.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Terrible situation all around. 

Would think the brakes would be on when someone who has four kids want to rush into a marriage. Sounds like he wanted someone to watch and take care of the children so he could do what he wanted.

Being showered with food and gifts doesn't make things right.

Hopefully you're able to apply the techniques given to you and get in a better situation.

 

[Cherylyn]

He does not sound like an ideal husband for you @Loka56.  He sounds like a jerk.  ☹️

Try marriage counseling together. 

Have a long term plan towards financial independence. 

Hopefully you can remain at your mother's place as your therapist suggested and however long it takes to improve your marriage or possibly exit the marriage if your marriage is doomed for failure. 

Instead of whining and complaining,  it's time for you to figure out a long term plan in order to attain peace,  happiness and financial security for you and your child. 

[itsallgrand]

I agree with the others. Your health and the baby have to be number one priority. I hope you get real rest at your mom's. 

[Jaunty]

It's so surprising that throughout your long involved posts about whether or not you would be able to marry this guy you never mentioned that he'd been divorced, and that he was bringing  4 kids to you for you to raise.   

I imagine you'd have gotten some much different responses if people had this information at that time.