FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

[Jaunty]

29 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

 Since neither of us want a bf/gf situation or a serious relationship right now, I proposed to him that we would just see each other exclusively but it would still be a casual relationship. We weren't required to see each other everyday or that often

How is this effectively different than what you are now doing? You are seeing each other exclusively  (aside from HIS WIFE of course) and it's casual.  Very.

  A different label is on it?

You have outlined quite clearly that he has very little time for your FWB hookups, in large part because of his son, and he refuses more often than he accepts your invitations - and you are always the initiator.  

Is the key to this "difference" that now there are dates "required"?  

Did you pose this as "this is what I need in order to continue seeing you"?   

I'm not sure what's in it for him, frankly.  He probably doesn't "need" companionship since he lives in a family environment and has a lot of activities with his son.   You do. 

I'm not seeing you getting more out of this than you are getting now, and what about the whole point of your OP:   

FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

Was this addressed and has he agreed to give you the compliments you feel you need, and to stop commenting on every hot sexy woman?

[graphicdesigner]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

How is this effectively different than what you are now doing? You are seeing each other exclusively  (aside from HIS WIFE of course) and it's casual.  Very.

  A different label is on it?

You have outlined quite clearly that he has very little time for your FWB hookups, in large part because of his son, and he refuses more often than he accepts your invitations - and you are always the initiator.  

Is the key to this "difference" that now there are dates "required"?  

Did you pose this as "this is what I need in order to continue seeing you"?   

I'm not sure what's in it for him, frankly.  He probably doesn't "need" companionship since he lives in a family environment and has a lot of activities with his son.   You do. 

I'm not seeing you getting more out of this than you are getting now, and what about the whole point of your OP:   

FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

Was this addressed and has he agreed to give you the compliments you feel you need, and to stop commenting on every hot sexy woman?

Sorry, not gonna justify our decision with this. I feel good about this, and it's what we both want. I honestly thought he'd end it, but he was up for it. And yes, it means we would actually go out on dates together, not just sex. I told him I wanted more than that. We're gonna give it a try and see if it works out for us.

I did ask him if he was attracted to me and if he liked me. He answered that yes he is still attracted to me and he didn't fake it whenever we were together, and he's right. When we're together he's wonderful and has always made me feel sexy and attractive. I never said he didn't. I didn't say anything about comments about other women. Maybe it'll be different now that we're going to be exclusive. I think our distance is an advantage right now because neither of us want to see each other every single day anyway. 

Just because he and his wife are separated, does not mean they "see" each other romantically. His marriage has been over for several years now. And she has had the same boyfriend for over 5 years (the man she cheated on him with).

[Jaunty]

46 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

Sorry, not gonna justify our decision with this.

 I hope you're thinking about it realistically is all.  It doesn't seem like it.  You have a situation that according to you has these features:

Quote

 

we rarely have sex because of his schedule and how busy he is

he is making constant excuses to not see me now, and I always feel like I'm "begging" for it

overall the sex isn't that great with him

 I know I need to walk away because it has become toxic for me, especially since he never reciprocates any of my feelings and wants

 

The list goes on throughout the many pages of this thread.  

Now you have proposed that you have "more" of a relationship - when he has absolutely not even delivered much on the "sex only/ FWB" level of interaction.

You've been involved in this for 3.5 months and have not had sex at all in the  past month.  

This does not come off as realistic at all.  

I'm sorry you've chosen this, as on page 2 you knew you had to end it in order to be good to YOURSELF.

You might be missing out on a man who could love you while you spend your emotions and time on this.   Whatever.  You probably aren't ready for that, as you've said.   

What I really care about is you choosing to spend yourSELF on this sad situation.

You will have to get hurt more in order to move on, sadly.  I hope it's not too bad.  You've been through a great deal already.

 

 

[LotusBlack]

6 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

Well guys, I did it. I spoke to him last night and told him I'm not happy with just a FWB situation, and I wanted something more. I want companionship. Since neither of us want a bf/gf situation or a serious relationship right now, I proposed to him that we would just see each other exclusively but it would still be a casual relationship. We weren't required to see each other everyday or that often—mainly because of the distance and his family situation—and he agreed! He said let's do it. I said let's give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. He made me pinky swear lol. 

So we'll see what happens.

I’m sorry graphic, I think you presented an option that basically is the same in function as has been the case this far; you simply changed what it is supposed to represent [for you].

I think you were too scared to ask for what you really want because he’d surely say no, so you presented it as companionship in order to make yourself feel more secure and him less concerned about a stronger commitment. In practice, nothing has changed, not even the exclusivity part, as you said he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else anyway. Of course he was able to agree because nothing, in practice, has actually changed.

I don’t understand your position on not wanting a boyfriend/partner, you clearly do - you’re asking for exclusivity indefinitely, have strong feelings for him to the point you are upset when you think about how much he might have loved another and wish he loved you too, etc. 

To me, you are simply negotiating and bargaining - something to placate your desire for a commitment from him whilst also allowing him to feel like he isn’t locked in. Anything more would be considered a relationship, which you want. So you offer this “pseudo” relationship.

I’m sorry, but you can’t make someone who is wrong for you right for you. If this were a healthy relationship then no one in your life, including your therapist, would be sounding the alarms again and again. 

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

I feel good about this

Yes, because it allows you to remain in your “safe” space. Anything else sets off your panic. This was a fear-based decision. A few comments came through while I was making mine a moment ago and I had not read them but found once I submitted my response that ours were all the same. That should be a big indicator to you that you are not being objective about your own situation as you are too close to it.

It seems you will have to hit rock bottom with this man before you are ready to give up on the illusion that you allow yourself to live in. Hopefully when that happens you will be able to sort through it all with your therapist, as I hope you continue seeing her.

Edit: I just discovered you’ve only been seeing him 3.5 months - I was surprised at how toxic this is for such a short time! It reads like you’ve been in this with him for a couple of years. This is too much drama for so short a time. In addition, 3.5 months is not a Long enough time (considering the little in person interaction you’ve had thus far) to so wholeheartedly believe and accept what information he has given you about his past. You haven’t really met any of the people in his life to be able to say you understand and know him with any kind of true clarity at this point. To do so would require actively being involved in each other’s lives and seeing how they engage with the world day to day.

I’d tell you, again, to cut and run if I thought you’d listen. But, instead, I’ll offer just this - I truly hope that the inevitable fall doesn’t hurt too badly and that you won’t have lost too much time, as I can well imagine this situation dragging on for years with the current status quo because it isn’t inconvenient to him (or suddenly ends when he meets the person he truly wants to commit to) and you’re there loyally clutching at straws. When the day comes in [likely] years from now, I hope you will be able to recover fast and be open to meeting a worthy partner. Good luck, OP, truly.

[graphicdesigner]

It’s not the same at all. It means we are BOTH exclusive to each other now, not just him but me too. I canceled my Match sub and put my Facebook dating profile on “taking a break.” I won’t be going out on dates like I was before. He wasn’t before anyway, so it affects me now, not just him. 
 

Also, it’s more than just sex now. It’s us going out in addition to the sex. We didn’t do that before. Not since we’ve had sex. I told him I desire the companionship and miss it a great deal. He is concerned about the distance being an hour away, but we’re gonna try and work with that. We both agreed that we’d give it a shot and see what happens. No, we didn’t see each other that often because of his messy life and his destructive son. That most likely won’t change. I even told him that his son and family always come first. Just like my daughter always comes first. 
 

Again, we’re gonna give it a try and see what happens. I don’t want a serious relationship right now and neither does he. I’m still grieving for my husband and just can’t imagine being in anything serious right now. And I’m not just saying that either. Neither one of us has a lot of time to spare, mainly him. But my goal this summer is to get back into shape and submerge myself into tennis and possibly run some 5K’s like I used to before I had foot surgery 4 years ago. 
 

Only time will tell. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

Well guys, I did it. I spoke to him last night and told him I'm not happy with just a FWB situation, and I wanted something more. I want companionship. Since neither of us want a bf/gf situation or a serious relationship right now, I proposed to him that we would just see each other exclusively but it would still be a casual relationship. We weren't required to see each other everyday or that often—mainly because of the distance and his family situation—and he agreed! He said let's do it. I said let's give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. He made me pinky swear lol. 

So we'll see what happens.

@graphic, I am really glad you spoke up and am happy he agreed.  I am still a bit confused as to what he actually agreed to that's different from what you've been doing, however I read your subsequent post wherein you provided a bit more context than what's quoted above and so yeah all you can do is just what you said - see what happens.

That said, you said earlier you had not seen each other in one month.  Was there any discussion last night about when you WILL spend some time together?  In person?

The only suggestion I have now is pay attention to his actions.  Talk can be cheap as the saying goes.  Not to be a negative nellie but anyone can say anything, it doesn't mean a hill of beans unless those words are followed up by actions.

That's all I got, good luck and keep us posted!!!  

[graphicdesigner]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@graphic, I am really glad you spoke up and am happy he agreed.  I am still a bit confused as to what he actually agreed to however I read your subsequent post wherein you provided a bit more context than what's quoted above and so yeah all you can do is just what you said - see what happens.

That said, you said earlier you had not seen each other in one month.  Was there any discussion last night about when you WILL spend some time together?  In person?

The only suggestion I have now is pay attention to his actions.  Talk can be cheap as the saying goes.  Not to be a negative nellie but anyone can say anything, it doesn't mean a hill of beans unless those words are followed up by actions.

That's all I got, good luck and keep us posted!!!  

The reason we haven’t seen each other in a month (which is the longest we’ve gone) is mainly because of his son. He’s a very destructive teenager and so since he’s an only child, naturally he would drop everything to work it out with him. A month ago we were gonna see each other one evening and then the kid got his truck stuck in a snowbank because he was 4 wheeling (he sent me pics too). So instead of coming to see me, he had to dig out his truck from the deep snow. Then he went out of town for a week when he went to a wedding in South Carolina. After that, he was again, supposed to come up and see me, but as usual, his son and his mom got into a really heated fight and ended up kicking the door in out of anger. Last week he took him to Montana for a change of scenery so they went to visit one of his sisters (he and his twin brother are the youngest of 7 kids). So yeah, there is always something with him. I get that. Life happens. 
 

I will try to be patient. If it becomes problematic, then we will reevaluate. We did discuss spending time together. He was surprised that it had been a month since we’ve seen each other. He was thinking it was only a few weeks. Then I had to remind him that it was when he was sick and my last day going up skiing for the season. 
 

I feel like I really need to continually emphasize that I don’t want a serious relationship/boyfriend right now. I’m happy that he agreed to do this because I honestly thought he’d walk away and end it. I was very clear on what I wanted and desired. We talked for over an hour on the phone. 
 

Please do understand, it’s what we BOTH want right now. I’m not worried about the distance in the long term because if it did ever get to a point where it was serious (and he got a divorce) then I would move down there. That’s the advantage of renting. I’m not locked in. 

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The only suggestion I have now is pay attention to his actions.  Talk can be cheap as the saying goes.  Not to be a negative nellie but anyone can say anything, it doesn't mean a hill of beans unless those words are followed up by actions.

I too don't think he agreed to much particularly since he didn't jump at the chance to plan a date to see you in advance "that's great- look I know it's a ways off but how about in 2 (3) weeks we plan a day to do a hike and a picnic /see a play/get concert tickets -one of those outdoor concerts/try this really interesting Thai place in your area - I'll make sure I'm free that [date] but it looks good.  Can't  wait!"  He had you on the phone - if he really wanted this dating arrangement -why not -arrange a date?

[LootieTootie]

 

14 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

...if it did ever get to a point where it was serious (and he got a divorce) then I would move down there. That’s the advantage of renting. I’m not locked in. 

Why would you ever think about the possibility of a FWB becoming serious and actually moving to be with him???? Is it because you have some emotional attachment to him? You are setting yourself up for biiiiig disappointment.

It wasn't long ago you were saying he treats you like crap, ignored you and yet, you couldn't stop wondering why and kept looking at his pictures. 

I still stand by what I originally wrote... that if you are emotionally invested in someone, it's best not to be in a situationship or FWB with them. You will always be his fck buddy and an afterthought. Ask yourself, is that what you want out of this? Or do you want? Because if you want more, this isn't good for your sanity and self-esteem.

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

I feel like I really need to continually emphasize that I don’t want a serious relationship/boyfriend right now.

That is perfectly okay however please realize you've been back and forth about this^^ throughout this thread so try to not judge us too harshly for being somewhat skeptical about it.

I do have my thoughts about his last minute cancelations involving his son, remember anyone can say anything, doesn't mean it's necessarily the truth.  I mean it's quite a coincidence that on the night he had planned to see you (which nights are so few and far between) he suddenly had to dig his son's truck out from a snow bank? 

I don't know sounds sketchy imo; the pics don't mean anything either, they could have been pics from a year ago for all you knew unless they were time stamped.    And even if it did happen that day, his son is an adult is he not?  I mean he drives and owns his own truck so I assume he's an adult.

As such he couldn't dig his own truck out from the snowbank?  Or solicited friends or something?    I don't know sounds fishy. 

And just me but when a man sends me pics in an attempt to prove that what he said he was doing was the truth, I interpret that to mean it's NOT the truth.  It's actually a strike against him!  For me.

People who are telling the truth have nothing to PROVE.  It wouldn't even occur to them to send pics to prove it or for any other reason, it's unnecessary when they're telling the TRUTH.  Overkill.

Anyway, you're the one involved with him not me and if you're okay with such excuses and his elusive behavior far be it for me to judge....  just keep eyes and ears open and stay grounded.

Remain positive but cautiously optimistic.

Again good luck.

 

 

[Andrina]

26 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

He’s a very destructive teenager 

27 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

After that, he was again, supposed to come up and see me, but as usual, his son and his mom got into a really heated fight and ended up kicking the door in out of anger.

Yes, that'd be my dream too--to eventually move closer to all that turmoil. NOT!

 

28 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

A month ago we were gonna see each other one evening and then the kid got his truck stuck in a snowbank because he was 4 wheeling (he sent me pics too)

Probably old pics. Sounds just like when the granite slab company was supposed to deliver my kitchen countertop, and the guy cancelled and sent me a photo of his truck with the hood up, saying the truck was broken. I knew it was a sham, and eventually found out that it in fact was. It's called overselling a lie. 

This is both pure masochism and lying to yourself. Just how you describe him makes my stomach churn by merely reading words on a page. I can't even imagine how he's anybody's prized partner.

 

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

It’s not the same at all. It means we are BOTH exclusive to each other now, not just him but me too. I canceled my Match sub and put my Facebook dating profile on “taking a break.” I won’t be going out on dates like I was before. He wasn’t before anyway, so it affects me now, not just him. 

I’m sorry to say, graphic, but this doesn’t make sense, at all. He was never the one who sought out your attention or commitment and had no problem with things the way they were. He wasn’t the one who had any issue with anything or was upset about lack of interaction. He didn’t need you to change. You were the one who was unhappy with the dynamic and what your involvement represented. You were the one who wanted more from him, so why is it that you are the one adjusting your behaviour? 

You have essentially said, ‘I don’t like that you are not committed to me or that you don’t love me. I don’t like that you don’t compliment me when you so easily compliment other women you find attractive. I think this situation is unfair and toxic towards me. So here, let me cut off all my own romantic opportunities, limit my options, give even more of myself to you, and let this new set of boundaries affect me now even though the only person in this pairing who anyone wanted anything from was you, but I was the only one giving anything in the first place.’

You were the only one who wanted more and was unhappy with how things were. So, to the person who gave nothing, you have now agreed …to give more. And where is he? Still giving nothing.

I do regret to sound so harsh, but it is so very clear that you want something from someone who doesn’t have anything to give. And your total attachment to someone you have known for such a short period of time is quite concerning, especially because you are willfully ignoring the plethora of red flags. The flags are so large they are the size of sails on a ship. I’m not sure why you are so determined to go down with the boat and sacrifice yourself for someone you’ve know for such a short time and who has never earned your dedication and loyalty.

[Batya33]

I get that you don't want a serious relationship -assuming you don't -what you asked for has nothing to do with it -you asked that in addition to meeting up for sex you also go on dates - maybe date and sex wrapped up in one -or date and no sex -whatever- that's simply asking to spend time with a person doing a date-like activity in addition to the time spent sucking face (I'm like channeling an 80s movie moment -that lovely description of kissing just popped into my head).

But - he hasn't seen you in a month, he isn't chomping at the bit to see you -and when you raised this and agreed - he didn't follow up with trying to do precisely what he agreed to -meet up for a date.  I mean you've asked him to see you a number of times in the past month so it's kind of ball in his court no? 

This is more like "hey I know we've been meeting for a jog around the park trail but I was thinking -want to meet for lunch or check out this pickleball game starting (or fill in some modification of your routine arrangement).  Saying "yes that sounds great" is kinda meaningless without actual follow through.  Especially if that person in the past has evaded expanding how you two meet up - the boundaries of it included. 

And when you ratchet it up as you have -a person you are having sex with and he knows  you want more(and now he really, really knows!) - and the response is only "sure sounds good" - it's -kind of empty since you're not asking for a serious relationship -you're asking to go on dates - he says "sure!" And -that's it. 

I'd assume he expects you to initiate and plan a date just like you've initiated asking him to come visit you for sex.  But -you didn't either.  He didn't/you didn't = lukewarm interest on his part - and -fear of what his answer would be on yours (like with the concert you were going to suggest -that's a date, right?).

[Jaunty]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But - he hasn't seen you in a month, he isn't chomping at the bit to see you -and when you raised this and agreed - he didn't follow up with trying to do precisely what he agreed to -meet up for a date.  I mean you've asked him to see you a number of times in the past month so it's kind of ball in his court no?

I’m afraid that the fellow just found it simpler to say “ok sure” and carry on as before.   No unpleasant realness and maintains the availability of the OP if and when he feels like availing himself at some point.  

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

[graphicdesigner]

I will try to address everyone’s concerns here. 
 

The only reason why he sent me a pic of his truck (not his son’s truck. He lets him drive it) is because I asked for one. He didn’t offer it. And I know it was current because he just bought this used truck a few weeks prior and it was the same truck that he just bought. We were on the phone while he was driving up the mountain to help his son. 
 

I do believe everything he tells me because he is an honest man. He’s never lied to me before and I don’t believe he’s lying to me now. All of the “digging” that I have done has all been accurate and proves that he’s been honest with me up until this point. I won’t go into details about any of that. I know why they’re not divorced yet, and it’ll probably be at least a few years before that happens. For now, I’m ok with that because we’re not serious so I don’t need him to be yet. If/when that changes, I will reevaluate at that time. I’m willing to risk the hurt in the long run if it gets to that. 
 

The companionship that I want is just that. Companionship. I don’t need to see or be with him everyday. And I only mentioned possibly moving down there because a. I have always wanted to live in the city where he lives for many years, but my husband never liked it. And b. Because if it was getting serious, and he was finally divorced, I would move as a way to be closer. I wouldn’t move down there unless he was divorced and we were both in love. I honestly don’t see that happening, but we can’t predict the future. 
 

He didn’t just say “ok sure.” We had an in depth discussion about this. He gave me his side and I gave him mine, since I was the one who initiated it. I wanted to be clear that I didn’t want a boyfriend and didn’t want anything serious. Even though it’s a “relationship” per se, albeit only a casual one. And to be clear, I didn’t cancel my Match sub or Facebook dating for him. I did it for me. Every man I was meeting wanted something serious, and I didn’t. And it was via the recommendation from my therapist as well. So I did it for me. I told him that and he was concerned that because I’m so insatiable that I’d be disappointed only having sex with him and being exclusive. He is the only man that I have had sex with since my husband died, and he is the only man that I want to have sex with. Even though it’s not as often as I would prefer, for now, I am ok with that. 
 

I think I addressed all of your questions and/or concerns. If you have any more, don’t hesitate to ask. I do appreciate everyone’s concerns and skepticism about my situation, it really means a lot to know you all are looking out for my wellbeing. Thank you!
 

 

[Batya33]

Yes, watch the feet -whether he plans a date to see you including in advance.  It may be totally true he's up for having dates or hanging out in addition to having sex.  In theory.  In practice - so far there is no date planned.  I'd assume unless and until he jumps at the opportunity you've given him -the privilege of getting to do activities with you and go on dates with you - that he's agreed that the next time he sees you -whenever that is - he's up for going on a date in addition to sex.  I would hope a man who was enthusiastic about being with you would want to plan a date with you -an opportunity you suggested and offered -ASAP even if in advance and even if "barring any emergency with my son" etc.

I realize  this is not going to be a relationship but when my future husband after 3 platonic non-dates after 7 years apart who was only in town for that summer asked me to get back together and I said yes within the next few minutes we had a plan to get together in two weeks when he'd be back in town.  People who want to get together and see each other want it to happen ASAP.  With rare exception I guess!

[graphicdesigner]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, watch the feet -whether he plans a date to see you including in advance.  It may be totally true he's up for having dates or hanging out in addition to having sex.  In theory.  In practice - so far there is no date planned.  I'd assume unless and until he jumps at the opportunity you've given him -the privilege of getting to do activities with you and go on dates with you - that he's agreed that the next time he sees you -whenever that is - he's up for going on a date in addition to sex.  I would hope a man who was enthusiastic about being with you would want to plan a date with you -an opportunity you suggested and offered -ASAP even if in advance and even if "barring any emergency with my son" etc.

I realize  this is not going to be a relationship but when my future husband after 3 platonic non-dates after 7 years apart who was only in town for that summer asked me to get back together and I said yes within the next few minutes we had a plan to get together in two weeks when he'd be back in town.  People who want to get together and see each other want it to happen ASAP.  With rare exception I guess!

We don’t plan that far in advance because of his busy/hectic/crazy work and personal life. It changes all the time. We typically plan a few days in advance. He knows my schedule is pretty open (although that’ll change this summer the more I play and get back into tennis). I don’t have the baggage that he has, so he knows I’m available. Maybe that’s too available, I don’t know but it’s not like I’m busy or doing other things, so why play games? I don’t do that. 
 

And he is currently in Oklahoma for his brother-in-law’s funeral who just died a few days ago (his sister’s husband) and he comes back tomorrow (it was a very quick trip) and then goes back to work at 7 am on Sunday. I would ask for a copy of the death certificate, but that’s just tacky lol. Even the dates that I have gone on through the dating sites haven’t been planned 2 weeks in advance. Typically a week or less. Mostly less. 
 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

I will try to address everyone’s concerns here. 
 

The only reason why he sent me a pic of his truck (not his son’s truck. He lets him drive it) is because I asked for one. He didn’t offer it. And I know it was current because he just bought this used truck a few weeks prior and it was the same truck that he just bought. We were on the phone while he was driving up the mountain to help his son. 
 

I do believe everything he tells me because he is an honest man. He’s never lied to me before and I don’t believe he’s lying to me now. All of the “digging” that I have done has all been accurate and proves that he’s been honest with me up until this point. I won’t go into details about any of that. I know why they’re not divorced yet, and it’ll probably be at least a few years before that happens. For now, I’m ok with that because we’re not serious so I don’t need him to be yet. If/when that changes, I will reevaluate at that time. I’m willing to risk the hurt in the long run if it gets to that. 
 

The companionship that I want is just that. Companionship. I don’t need to see or be with him everyday. And I only mentioned possibly moving down there because a. I have always wanted to live in the city where he lives for many years, but my husband never liked it. And b. Because if it was getting serious, and he was finally divorced, I would move as a way to be closer. I wouldn’t move down there unless he was divorced and we were both in love. I honestly don’t see that happening, but we can’t predict the future. 
 

He didn’t just say “ok sure.” We had an in depth discussion about this. He gave me his side and I gave him mine, since I was the one who initiated it. I wanted to be clear that I didn’t want a boyfriend and didn’t want anything serious. Even though it’s a “relationship” per se, albeit only a casual one. And to be clear, I didn’t cancel my Match sub or Facebook dating for him. I did it for me. Every man I was meeting wanted something serious, and I didn’t. And it was via the recommendation from my therapist as well. So I did it for me. I told him that and he was concerned that because I’m so insatiable that I’d be disappointed only having sex with him and being exclusive. He is the only man that I have had sex with since my husband died, and he is the only man that I want to have sex with. Even though it’s not as often as I would prefer, for now, I am ok with that. 
 

I think I addressed all of your questions and/or concerns. If you have any more, don’t hesitate to ask. I do appreciate everyone’s concerns and skepticism about my situation, it really means a lot to know you all are looking out for my wellbeing. Thank you!
 

 

Fair enough GD..

The only reason (or one reason) why I was skeptical was because this thread began with you being extremely unhappy and continued in that same vein with you saying you deserved better and were even thinking of ghosting him! 

This was my initial perception again based on things you yourself posted and initial perceptions are not always easy to shake.

I do question why the sudden shift, did this thread provide more clarity for you?  That this IS the right situation for you? 

In any event, I do acknowledge that there are couples who are perfectly OK with distance.  Even lots of distance. 

In fact not too long ago I read an article about a married couple who live on opposite ends of the country (U.S.) and see each other may 4-5 times a YEAR and who claim to be in love and quite happy!

Also I once worked with a woman whose husband was a fisherman for Van Kamp Seafood and was gone nine (9) months a year.

I recall him calling her spontaneously from some port on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean telling her he's off for the weekend and purchased a plane ticket for her to fly over. 

She was an extremely spontaneous person as was he and this worked for THEM.  Quite well in fact, they had dated for 5 years before they married and were married for 10 years when I met her. 

Same sitch with him being gone 9 months a year. 

Worthy of note however, both these men did not have wives they were living with or involved with in any way.

Not saying this is you, or will ever be you; I'm only mentioning it to make the point that some couples don't need or require lots of in-person together time to be happy, and you and your guy appear to be OK with the distance. 

So if what you're posting NOW are your true feelings and not you convincing yourself they're your true feelings to keep the situationship, and you are truly happy, then I do understand and wish you both luck. 

 

[graphicdesigner]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough GD..

The only reason (or one reason) why I was skeptical was because this thread began with you being extremely unhappy and continued in that same vein with you saying you deserved better and were even thinking of ghosting him! 

This was my initial perception again based on things you yourself posted and initial perceptions are not always easy to shake.

I do question why the sudden shift, did this thread provide more clarity for you?  That this IS the right situation for you? 

In any event, I do acknowledge that there are couples who are perfectly OK with distance.  Even lots of distance. 

In fact not too long ago I read an article about a married couple who live on opposite ends of the country (U.S.) and see each other may 4-5 times a YEAR and who claim to be in love and quite happy!

Also I once worked with a woman whose husband was a fisherman for Van Kamp Seafood and was gone nine (9) months a year.

I recall him calling her spontaneously from some port on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean telling her he's off for the weekend and purchased a plane ticket for her to fly over. 

She was an extremely spontaneous person as was he and this worked for THEM.  Quite well in fact, they had dated for 5 years before they married and were married for 10 years when I met her. 

Same sitch with him being gone 9 months a year. 

Worthy of note however, both these men did not have wives they were living with or involved with in any way.

Not saying this is you, or will ever be you; I'm only mentioning it to make the point that some couples don't need or require lots of in-person together time to be happy, and you and your guy appear to be OK with the distance. 

So if what you're posting NOW are your true feelings and not you convincing yourself they're your true feelings to keep the situationship, and you are truly happy, then I do understand and wish you both luck. 

 

Thank you for all of this. Although my marriage was a very traditional one, we got serious right away. We started talking about marriage after dating for 3 weeks and got engaged after 3 months. We just knew. I always say he was my soulmate, the love of my life and my best friend. That doesn’t happen twice in a lifetime. At least that’s how I feel. Plus, we lived less than 10 min from each other at first and then I moved in with him right after we got engaged. So if being an hour away becomes an issue, we’ll discuss it. I know for him it is. He thinks it could be a problem, mainly because of his son and always getting into trouble. But he could always come up and stay over and leave in the morning so he could be with his son. I get it. I have the advantage that he doesn’t right now. I live alone and no longer have a child to take care of. He always tells me that he’s basically a single parent. I can see that. 
 

I don’t know if living across the country from someone could work for me. I’ve tried that already (I was here and my ex was in NYC), and it definitely didn’t work. But we were young, broke college students so neither of us could just hop on a plane and visit at a moments notice. I truly don’t think an hour is that big of a deal, but I know it just makes it more complicated for him because of his crazy life, and his son. 
 

Yes, I truly am fine with this scenario. I wouldn’t have proposed it to him if I wasn’t. It’s not my way of trying to get “closer” with him because I know how he feels about relationships, and he knows how I feel. Although we have totally different situations, we both feel the same way. I made it very clear (not him to me) that I did NOT want a boyfriend. I like being by myself and I like my free time. I just want companionship without the baggage. If that makes sense. 
 

My tone definitely did change since the beginning of this thread because I wasn’t happy with just a FWB situation only. I realized that I want more, and want it with him. Of all the dates that I’ve been on, I haven’t met anyone that I would feel the same way about. Yes, we’ve only known each other for almost 4 months, but why does a timeframe matter? Like I said, my husband and I got engaged after dating for 3 months. He told me that he really likes me and that I’m a charming woman who we share a lot of common interests in, and as he says we’re of the “same vintage” because we’re only a year apart in age. We do have a lot in common and I love his sense of humor. We’re definitely on the same page with that. We’re both sick and twisted lol. I’m realizing that that is something that’s hard to find as you get older. 
 

If I ever suspected or found out that he isn’t separated and still romantically involved with his wife, I’d get the hell out of there. I wouldn’t tolerate it for one single min. 

[graphicdesigner]

I also want to add, and this may seem really silly, but I have NEVER ever had a "gut wrenching" feeling about him. I can't explain it, but every single time I've had a gut feeling about something or someone, I have always been correct. Even with this last guy that I was talking to (the Polish dude), from day one, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't legit. And it turned out, I was right. That's just an example, but I get them a lot when something doesn't feel or seem right. With him, I've never had that in the 4 months that I've known him. We've always said "go with your gut," so it's what I've always done, especially since I started dating 6 months ago.

That has to say something, no?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

Yes, I truly am fine with this scenario.

Which is what? That the next time you see each other -will that be you initiating again? - it will include a date like activity? Is it like -"if" we meet up again I want it to include going on a date.  Because right now there's no plan to meet up let alone any plan for a date.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

I also want to add, and this may seem really silly, but I have NEVER ever had a "gut wrenching" feeling about him. I can't explain it, but every single time I've had a gut feeling about something or someone, I have always been correct. Even with this last guy that I was talking to (the Polish dude), from day one, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't legit. And it turned out, I was right. That's just an example, but I get them a lot when something doesn't feel or seem right. With him, I've never had that in the 4 months that I've known him. We've always said "go with your gut," so it's what I've always done, especially since I started dating 6 months ago.

That has to say something, no?

But what is it based on?  You've never been around his friends or family or coworkers, never stayed over his place- have you? Seen how he lives, or seen what he's like on a real date - I mean I know you met for coffee once.  Is he legit? I mean - sure -he probably isn't having sex with anyone else -as he promised -and he legitimately has interest in going on a date with you at some point in the future -but no interest in putting in the effort to make that happen - he hasn't said yes to you to meet up for sex in a month and after that long phone call where  you gave him a special opportunity to date you - he didn't jump at the chance to plan a date.  So sure he might not be a shady character but your knowledge of him is quite limited in terms of even a friendship in person.  Also there's that issue of you being clouded by how into him you are.

To add -I love your description of your marriage and I respectfully disagree you can't find another soulmate -if you were interested in finding one.

[LotusBlack]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Which is what? That the next time you see each other -will that be you initiating again? - it will include a date like activity? Is it like -"if" we meet up again I want it to include going on a date.  Because right now there's no plan to meet up let alone any plan for a date.

OP, the thing I keep coming back to is the fact that this man was willing to end a relationship with someone he was very much in love with because the relationship wasn’t compatible with his lifestyle.

You have admitted that you are the furthest item on his list of priorities and that he has never initiated a single thing with you and even often turns you down. You weren’t happy with the situation as it was and that was why you were feeling distressed. You’ve mentioned you don’t want a relationship with him as partners, but anyone who feels threatened by long-gone feelings for someone else and stressed by not being given romantic attention is someone who obviously wants something more.

What you have presented him with very strongly demonstrates that you’d rather have him in your life in any way he’ll allow rather than not having him in it at all, even when it is at the detriment to yourself. I think you are gaslighting the heck out of yourself and have talked yourself into being okay with a situation that isn’t ideal. 

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

I also want to add, and this may seem really silly, but I have NEVER ever had a "gut wrenching" feeling about him. I can't explain it, but every single time I've had a gut feeling about something or someone, I have always been correct. Even with this last guy that I was talking to (the Polish dude), from day one, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't legit. And it turned out, I was right. That's just an example, but I get them a lot when something doesn't feel or seem right. With him, I've never had that in the 4 months that I've known him. We've always said "go with your gut," so it's what I've always done, especially since I started dating 6 months ago.

That has to say something, no?

Your gut feeling DID lead you to the point of recognising that this man isn’t good for you, otherwise you’d not have found your way here and you would not have been so very fixated on his past relationships and how you stack up to them. That is your gut feeling something was wrong. So, you fell back into what you’ve been doing with him this whole time - bargaining. 

I think I might need to stop reading this thread, unfortunately, OP. It is very clear you will continue to sabotage your life and happiness with that which is toxic. You have no regard for yourself and it is painful to see. I cannot imagine you are going to stop this unhealthy attachment any time soon and will continue to justify his terrible behaviour. It is not possible to love someone fully when that person does not wish to be loved by you and you cannot make someone love you no matter how much you wish it. I would never be happy to be the last thing on someone’s list of priorities in a relationship - that‘s a really sad situation to be in.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, but for my own sanity, I can’t watch someone crash and burn so thoroughly, and that is the only direction this can go if he is unwilling to adjust his lifestyle and relationship goals - at the bare minimum, let alone actually love the person he is with.

[Jaunty]

This is super depressing.

OP:  I suggest you read this whole thread and pretend that it's not yours.   Perhaps it could serve as a reality check   You are settling - and probably BEGGING - for tiny stale scraps from someone you don't even really know or have any connection with.

I truly hope you know that you are worth a lot more than this.

Simply not having this man in your life would be a lot more than this, if we are talking about good self care.