Do people ever really get over one another?

[DropToZero]

Hey all,

 

I haven't posted in a while, but I just wanted to post something that I have to say has been on my mind here and there while helping people that post on this site.

 

If you haven't already noticed...the majority of this site's post are dominated by ex b/f-g/f relationships, getting back together, and other forms of that in different areas. I have never been in a serious relationship yet, I have dated a few girls now, but nothing ever serious...so maybe I can't understand where this is coming from.

 

How this concerns me is...do people ever really get over their ex's? I mean, seeing all these questions where people seem to hold onto someone they broke up with days, months, and years ago and they still want to get back with them to this day. This makes me really uncomfortable thinking about ever getting into a serious relationship even because if that girl had a few b/f 's before me, this site pretty much shows me that he's still gonna be on her mind for a long time....makes me uncomfortable in trusting another because of the fact that she is probably still very 'hooked' on her ex. I'm not really insecure about this or anything...I've just finally decided to find out why people seem to spend a great deal of time with their partner, and once its broken up, they spend the rest of their time trying to figure out a way to get them back.

[hot_to_trot]

Hello,

 

It's not that everyone cannot get over their exes, its that everyone who comes HERE cannot get over their exes. For me, it's more that I can't get over my ex and want him back because the guys that I've dated since him have really made me realize how much I gave up, or let go, or whatever you want to call it, since he was the one that actually ended things.

 

I guess it's like the saying goes, it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before (I think that's how it goes). Or, you have to taste the sour before you can appreciate the sweet. At any rate, I wouldn't shun ever getting into a relationship becuase of a few select people, including myself, who are still yearning for their ex. I mean, you will know when someone is serious about being in a relationship vs. still crushing on the ex. I wouldn't worry too much. Just my 5 pence!

[punchy504]

it also depends on if they want to get over their ex- when you are ready to move on you do

[shes2smart]

How this concerns me is...do people ever really get over their ex's?

 

Yes...but only if they choose to do so.

 

I mean, seeing all these questions where people seem to hold onto someone they broke up with days, months, and years ago and they still want to get back with them to this day.

 

They choose to hang on to something that's gone. They could also choose to let go and move forward. It's as simple and complicated as that.

 

This makes me really uncomfortable thinking about ever getting into a serious relationship even because if that girl had a few b/f 's before me, this site pretty much shows me that he's still gonna be on her mind for a long time....makes me uncomfortable in trusting another because of the fact that she is probably still very 'hooked' on her ex.

 

Maybe she is, and maybe she isn't. That's going to be a very individual thing. However, I can tell you this...if you are looking for someone with zero baggage you're looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack.

 

I've just finally decided to find out why people seem to spend a great deal of time with their partner, and once its broken up, they spend the rest of their time trying to figure out a way to get them back.

 

Not everyone does this. It may seem so if you're basing your observations ONLY on what you see on this site. This isn't exactly a good cross-sampling of those who've loved once (or more). It seems most people show up here in the midst of some sort of relationship/break-up crisis. People who deal with break-ups in different ways and move on wouldn't come to a site like this to pine away for "the one who got away."

 

I've been through a fair number of break-ups. The earlier in my life they happened the more painful they were --- because it was still a relatively new experience. The more you experience something, the more familiar you are with it, the more you learn how to get through it, and the more you learn effective, healthy ways to take care of yourself.

 

Your first break-up will hurt. No getting around it. Your first break-up is also pretty much inevitable...unless you happen to be one of those very, very, very, very rare few who marry their first love and live happily ever after. I wouldn't bet on a horse with that kind of odds, so it's a good guess there will be several break-ups in your future. With each relationship we experience, we learn a series of lessons about ourselves and others.

 

You could bring around any of my exes right now and I wouldn't have any different reaction to them than I would someone I'd never met. I have no strong feelings - positive or negative - for any of them because after a period of time of wallowing in self pity and grieving for the end of a relationship, I chose to pick up and move on. It's ALWAYS led to something better in the next relationship that came along....because of the lessons I'd learned from previous partners.

[RayKay]

Of course people move on and heal from their ex-relationships, but well, most of the people around here still posting about their ex's are not healed yet. Many of those on these forums HAVE healed, no longer feel need to post about ex's and move on to other issues or to help others in need instead, or they leave completely.

 

Those who post years afterwards or even many many months about how they are still confused, missing them and so on, are keeping themselves stuck in a pattern that keeps the pain fresh and prohibits their healing process from even starting sometimes. They are blocking themselves from future opportunity, from the chance to meet the other fantastic people in this world they could have a great relationship with, as they are allowing themselves to believe in an IDEAL image of their ex, and their past relationship.

 

I can remember my experiences with some ex's fondly, some I respect, and even care about them to a degree, I still talk to some, am happy for them when good things happen, sad when bad things do, and some I don't even know where they are now...but I do not wallow in regret, or loss for any of them. Wish for different, or try to regain what is lost.

 

I have had some great boyfriends in the past, some I ended it, some they did, I had one whom I thought was the one for me die suddenly. And while each was crushing, I did heal, I did move on, and I found love again. And eventually, I found the TRUE love I never knew truly existed, and if I had not gone through all I had in the past, I would never of been where I am now - with the man whom I want to share my life with undoubtedly, and he the same. Things happen for a reason - sometimes the reason is not clear until we see it though.

[Iceman26]

Well, you have to understand that the majority of the people on here have some serious personal issues other than their relationships, and you see that reflected on their inability to move on from their relationships.

 

The people on this website are not the vast majority of the world that we are talking about here, simply deeply troubled people who have a hard time dealing with the setbacks in life and or/ they enjoy the turmoil they are going through. Its sad to say this, but I have known people who are only really happy when they are miserable.

 

As long as you never lose your sense of self value, self respect, and self pride (not arrogance), you wont end up in denial, wasting your time crying about failed relationships.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

That's a good question...maybe what we see here is the immediate aftermath of the breakup; that time when people really need help and they're still defining what went wrong, where they're going from here, and what that relationship meant to them. After they're over it, I'm not sure you see them posting here again unless they're needing advice about a different matter.

 

Each time I broke up with someone, I didn't hypothesize about how to get them back, believing that you can't get someone back like your lost pet.

 

I noticed that a lot of the posters who want to get a loved one 'back' are very young and perhaps still under the impression that it works like that.

[shes2smart]

I noticed that a lot of the posters who want to get a loved one 'back' are very young and perhaps still under the impression that it works like that.

 

Yup.

 

I have to remind myself daily that most of the posters on this site are a good 10-20 years younger than I am and it's still all new for them.

 

Last weekend, I was looking at a bunch of my old journals from my 20's. I sounded more like the 20-somethings currently posting here than I care to admit. I came away from my trip down memory lane even more firmly convinced our lives are what we choose to make them. At any given time, we have complete control of what our attitude will be and that is the most powerful thing in the world.

[punchy504]

I came away from my trip down memory lane even more firmly convinced our lives are what we choose to make them. At any given time, we have complete control of what our attitude will be and that is the most powerful thing in the world.

 

 

 

words to live by!!!

[lauriecat]

when you first break up with someone, it may seem as if they will never get out of your head. but soon you catch yourself going minutes without thinking of them. then hours. then days. you progress on and on until somebody mentions them one day, and you think "Who??" I know this from experience.

 

Eleven months ago I was in a very unhealthy relationship with a guy. He lead me on constantly, used me, told me he loved me then avoided me for weeks. I thought I would never get him out of my head. But, eventually, I'd catch myself not thinking about him for long periods of time. People would bring him up, and I'd think to myself "Mark? Oh yeah, I forgot about him." Then yesterday something truly amazing happened. He instant-messaged me online asking me "what's up, how have you been" etc, and we chatted for a little while. I asked him what was new, and he told me that he was dating someone. My reaction to this pleasantly surprised me, as I was completely unphased. I was even happy for him.

 

So yes, eventually it is possible to get over somebody, and the feeling of finally freeing yourself from them is probably one of the best in the world!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I agree Lauriecat.

 

There was this guy that I had an online 'relationship

for about 18 months. He was a total cad. When I finally had the guts to tell him to kiss off, I thought I'd never get over it. But sure enough, I did get over it after NC for a while.

 

He IM'd me and told me how he'd actually hooked up with another chick from the 'net (guess that's his MO) and how they were engaged and she was pg, and I...felt...HAPPY for them lol. No thoughts of why couldn't that be me? No thoughts of, well I shoulda held on longer, then it would've been me blah blah bbbbbbulllsh*t.

 

When people are hurting, they reach out...and that's what this board is for, so that's why you see it so much here. When they heal up, they either stick around and help others, or they just go away.

[Iceman26]

I agree Lauriecat.

 

When they heal up, they either stick around and help others, or they just go away.

 

That statement is right on the money.

[Lily04]

Of course. I got over my ex in less than a week. Although we were only dating for 2 months. I just lost interest in him. Of course, I was the one that broke up with him.

[lifeiscash]

This makes me think back to my very first girlfriend ever, back in high school. Everyone knows how first relationships go and lets just say she was more experienced then I was. Basically to make matters short, I really cared for the girl and I ended up finding out that she slept with her x boyfriend and best guy friend when we were together. I was DEVESTATED, so hurt and then when I broke things off for good she ended up dating MY best friend at the time and they had sex in less than a week. From this experience I learned that it is MUCH better to get over someone for good when you have a reason behind it, such as this. I overcame all that and I wish her the best and I honestly don't hold any grudges.

[reflectionlessmirror]

it is very nice to see so many posts about people forgeting there ex! I am in the "I'll never get over him phase" but i have made it to the stage of WANTING to get over him, not still wanting him back! I know that i cant get back withhim because he is a drunk and i dont want to be loved 2nd to alcohol! I also noticed the thing about being young. Well i am not a teenager but this was my first serious realationship, so maybe it is the inexperience of realtionship as well as being young (the young folk are inexperienced as well as us 20 somethings who were late to have there first relationship). Thank you! I cant wait for the day when i dont remember him at all, but with my luck his drunk butt will call me out of the blue after all of his younger friends have settled down and he is through will all the bar fly girls he is hanging out with. Thanks guys and girls for these great posts

[brando]

Dont think anyone ever forgets an ex, if they say they did they are lying. I just dont believe it is humanly possible to forget someone you shared time with. You may see them in a different light, but not forget. Second i dont think it is necessary to try and forget them.. the hurt the dumpees feel comes from within them, not from outside of them.

 

Their is nothing wrong with remembering an ex, in fact if done properly and healed from a past relationship, their really is no reason to forget an ex. It is how we learn to build future relationships. Make them stronger, more enjoyable, how we learn more about ourselves.

 

I dont believe any relationship is a mistake, their are no mistakes just choices.

 

 

some people move on, some people move in, and some people linger for a while... so what. Id rather linger than pretend to move on. I like to understand things, deal wit what has come up due to a break up or divorce, in my case.

 

I found one thing to be true, most of the hurt i felt had little or nothing to do with an ex, it all comes out in relationships though, i think it is suppose to to help us grow and heal. I read somewhere and yes it is an opinion of an author, that when one feels secure in a relationship, old wounds begin to resurface in order to be healed. My guess is that if one is aware enough of this being the truth, and not tring to pin this on their partner, they will be healed.

 

I, nor my ex knew this, so in a sense we both hung on to old survival skills to get past the pain we inflicted on eachother, this rarely works. Just think of yourself fortunate you stumbled accross these pages before any heartbreak is experienced by you.It can help you be a step ahead of the rest.

 

Do not worry about what is posted here, their is a resaon why some here are still hanging on to an ex, and wanting them back. We all learn at our own pace. And we all eventually have to face ourselves.

 

Take what you want nd leave the rest.

 

Brando

[chai714]

Their is nothing wrong with remembering an ex, in fact if done properly and healed from a past relationship, their really is no reason to forget an ex. It is how we learn to build future relationships. Make them stronger, more enjoyable, how we learn more about ourselves.

 

I dont believe any relationship is a mistake, their are no mistakes just choices.

 

 

some people move on, some people move in, and some people linger for a while... so what. Id rather linger than pretend to move on. I like to understand things, deal wit what has come up due to a break up or divorce, in my case.

 

I agree with Brando. Having relationships and having them end is a great learning experience. Heartbreak unfortunately, is how all relationships must end. There's no "safe" or "painless" way of breaking up. Like Brando said, its a learning experience and it shapes on how we build future relationships. You learn how people work, how to compromise, how to make the other person happy while balancing your own life and getting your own happiness.

 

What happens a some people on here, is that they overvalue their happiness from their ex, because their ex is their ONLY source of happiness. This is when it becomes unhealthy. You're essentially "putting all your eggs in one basket" and when that basket is gone, what are you left with? This is why you need to diversify your sources of happiness in your life. I was guilty of depending on my girlfriend (now ex) for my source of happiness. Now, I spread everything out and will with the next woman. This goes back to what Brando said though when he talked about learning from past relationships.

 

In a sense, you CAN be a step ahead of the game. Many posters on here share their life experiences. You CAN learn from them - both what to do and what NOT to do.

 

With that being said though, don't hold back when it comes to love. It's an all or none emotion. Someone who has had heartbreak would say, "love is a risk" and someone who hasn't had it yet, would not be cautious. Regardless though, it is what we as humans all seek - love.

[brando]

Good stuff Chai...

 

you hit on many truths.

 

Chai wrote

This is why you need to diversify your sources of happiness in your life. I was guilty of depending on my girlfriend (now ex) for my source of happiness. Now, I spread everything out and will with the next woman.

 

 

This is crucial in life...no matter what realtionship, friends as well.

 

Love is a risk...as Chai said..

 

well worth taking though.

 

In the end we all need to love ourselves much more before we truly can love another...im working on this everyday... that way if a relationship needs to end...then both parties can be stable to handle it.

 

Im not putting anyone down... i went through helll, i put myself through hell over my ex. And all she wanted was not to be married anymore..it hurt...but not as much as the drama i created in my head. Some time and distance helped me a little more to understand what i was going through..

still have some way to go.

 

Relationships are great, they are great mirrors to reflect back to us who we are, and our behavouir...truly one of the ultimate growing tools we have.