Me (M22) and my girlfriend (F21) haven’t had sex in two weeks

[Camilla]

Shes under a hot radar now that her mom knows the truth. Have you thought about just getting a hotel room and seeing if that rekindles things. You don't have to worry about interruptions that way. Girls are more emotional about things so it may be taking her e a little longer to "get over" it. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

53 minutes ago, Camilla said:

Shes under a hot radar now that her mom knows the truth. Have you thought about just getting a hotel room and seeing if that rekindles things. You don't have to worry about interruptions that way. Girls are more emotional about things so it may be taking her e a little longer to "get over" it. 

The problem is that if I book a hotel, she will know I want to have sex with her. For some unknown mystical reason, her libido is low at the moment. 

We had sex in her house on Saturday. While her mom was away. I didn't ask her for sex. But she sensed that I wanted to. And although she didnt want to, we still did it. She only told me she did not want to after the fact. She was clearly a little sad. I told her I don't want to have sex if she doesn't want to. I told her to tell me no straight up if I escalated things, and if she wants sex, to simply let me know. She agreed. Her anxiety and depression also do not help much. And no, she doesn't take medication.

Having sex on saturday was a huge mistake. She told me she wanted to. But she was just trying to make me happy. Which in turn doesn't make me happy.

Yesterday, we stayed at her house. And I promised my self not to start anything sexual. I gave her a flower. Surprised her at work, and gave her massages. But she sensed that I was not hugging her, slapping her butt, kissing her as much. I told her I was trying to respect her and not escalate stuff. So I started hugging her more and kissing her more. 

That's where we are at right now. Why did she lose her libido? I will die without knowing. 

Does she still find me sexually attractive?  I will die without knowing.

Is she getting it somewhere else? I will die without knowing.

Will her libido come back? I will die without knowing

The plane has stalled and is in free fall right now. I need to find a way to put the nose down, gain airspeed and get the plane out of the stall before its too late.

[catfeeder]

It’s not some “unknown mystical reason” that your GF’s libido went low at exactly the time she was sex-shamed by a parent in her own home. Pretending that you can’t connect those dots is disingenuous and has you coming off as deliberately tone deaf.

Millions of people in the world are able to manage their own sexual behavior without resorting to stealing medication. If you can’t figure out how to relieve yourself prior to visiting GF, then it’s likely that you have more of a problem than GF. Maybe she’s just turned off by you.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Maybe she’s just turned off by you.

^^This would be my best guess.  

Blaming her lack of desire on her mom finding condoms was a convenient excuse to avoid sex.  I thought that from the beginning.

Look when a 21 year old woman is hot for a guy sexually she wants to have sex with him!   It's not like she's going through menopause which may naturally lower libido (for example). She is 21! 

If she no longer feels comfortable doing it at home, she will suggest another place. ASAP.  

The fact she literally recoiled having sex when mom was gone speaks volumes!  

She's lost her sexual attraction to you, which can happen when a guy (in this case you) appears to "thirsty."

It's happened to me and other women I know many times and it's a huge turn OFF. 

I don't know if there is any coming back from this, but it appears you have much to learn about women and female desire etc and hope you have learned something here.

 

 

 

 

[Camilla]

3 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

The problem is that if I book a hotel, she will know I want to have sex with her. For some unknown mystical reason, her libido is low at the moment. 

We had sex in her house on Saturday. While her mom was away. I didn't ask her for sex. But she sensed that I wanted to. And although she didnt want to, we still did it. She only told me she did not want to after the fact. She was clearly a little sad. I told her I don't want to have sex if she doesn't want to. I told her to tell me no straight up if I escalated things, and if she wants sex, to simply let me know. She agreed. Her anxiety and depression also do not help much. And no, she doesn't take medication.

Having sex on saturday was a huge mistake. She told me she wanted to. But she was just trying to make me happy. Which in turn doesn't make me happy.

Yesterday, we stayed at her house. And I promised my self not to start anything sexual. I gave her a flower. Surprised her at work, and gave her massages. But she sensed that I was not hugging her, slapping her butt, kissing her as much. I told her I was trying to respect her and not escalate stuff. So I started hugging her more and kissing her more. 

That's where we are at right now. Why did she lose her libido? I will die without knowing. 

Does she still find me sexually attractive?  I will die without knowing.

Is she getting it somewhere else? I will die without knowing.

Will her libido come back? I will die without knowing

The plane has stalled and is in free fall right now. I need to find a way to put the nose down, gain airspeed and get the plane out of the stall before its too late.

Women lose their libido for a number of reasons. Emotions, hormones, lack of physical activity (exercise) ect...maybe she's feeling like the only thing you wanted was sex and thats in her head. We women think alot more than men! It doesn't seem you only want sex but I would day just act how you normally do, be more in touch with her sensitive side, talk it out. If you show her u care more about her than your current situation she will come around. I think bc things have shifted its got you in your head too and maybe you both need to just go to the park on a sunny day and do something relaxing together. Sometimes we woment just need more attention than other times. I think its cool that you are trying to see what you can do better to support her and understand. Dont give up! 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

The plane has stalled and is in free fall right now. I need to find a way to put the nose down, gain airspeed and get the plane out of the stall before its too late.

And this is why you don't take other people's psychiatric drugs. It's already too late. You couldn't have messed up more with your disrespect and bizarre remedies for your insecurities  overactive imagination and what every other person does with their sex drive. 

Perhaps you should go to your own physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some relief from your obsessions and anxiety. 

[yogacat]

9 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Update. We had sex, when her mom was not home. But I sensed something was off. She told me she was not really in the mood.  She only did it because she sensed that I wanted to. That over the last 2-3 weeks, her libido has been decreasing. I felt really bad. I want to have sex with her when she wants to as well.

 

She also said that me trying to initiate sex when she doesn’t feel like it kinda upsets her. That I need to calm down.

 

I apologized and told her I only want to have sex when she wants to. I told her to initiate sex when she wants to, and also for her to directly say no when she doesn’t. She agreed.

 

Yesterday I was very careful. Not hugging her for long, not kissing her for long. I also took my mom’s fluoxetine (Prozac). Both my mom and my girlfriend don’t know this. And wow it works like wonder. While I was with my girlfriend yesterday, my sexual drive was ZERO! However, my girlfriend said I was being more distant. That she missed my hugs and kisses, and when I slap her butt. So I guess I just need to find the right balance. I told her I was just trying to respect her and for her not to think I want to have sex. She said she wants me as normal, to hug her, kiss her, but just control my self.

 

I will certainly do that. Fluoxetine is amazing. ZERO sex drive. I didn’t get an erection not even once yesterday. I will definitely invest more in that.

 

My only question is, is it normal for my girlfriends libido to change? She was very horny the past months, and now, not so much.

You could have chosen to have just looked at this as a two week hiatus, but now it's a big knot and if you're not careful it could turn into a death spiral for the relationship.  

It's crazy how you've turned this into something bizarrely sinister. You have to chill.

Her libido - or feelings about you - were fine until two weeks ago. EVENTS HAVE OCCURRED.

Now you are looking at this sexy exciting woman and wondering if she's lost interest and thinking God knows what.  

You keep moving the goalposts and now she has to initiate.  She just wants you to be nice to her and I bet tons of money that if you were nice to her and didn't pressure her, she'd want sex again.  

Unless you continue to go all weird and distant about it and then you haven't communicated anything to her and you can probably say goodbye. You are going to be her boyfriend, her lover and her friend. That's all in one body, not a fluid property that you can just partition off.  At any given time you need to have all three characteristics.  That's the human being she signed up to be with.  

But she can't be this rational if you keep treating her like she's being untrustworthy with your "investment".  From the way you talk you apparently can't imagine why someone wouldn't be running all over your penis to have sex with you.  

And don't take drugs intended for your mother without a prescription. That's potentially very dangerous.  

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 4/29/2024 at 7:07 PM, yogacat said:

You could have chosen to have just looked at this as a two week hiatus, but now it's a big knot and if you're not careful it could turn into a death spiral for the relationship.  

It's crazy how you've turned this into something bizarrely sinister. You have to chill.

Her libido - or feelings about you - were fine until two weeks ago. EVENTS HAVE OCCURRED.

Now you are looking at this sexy exciting woman and wondering if she's lost interest and thinking God knows what.  

You keep moving the goalposts and now she has to initiate.  She just wants you to be nice to her and I bet tons of money that if you were nice to her and didn't pressure her, she'd want sex again.  

Unless you continue to go all weird and distant about it and then you haven't communicated anything to her and you can probably say goodbye. You are going to be her boyfriend, her lover and her friend. That's all in one body, not a fluid property that you can just partition off.  At any given time you need to have all three characteristics.  That's the human being she signed up to be with.  

But she can't be this rational if you keep treating her like she's being untrustworthy with your "investment".  From the way you talk you apparently can't imagine why someone wouldn't be running all over your penis to have sex with you.  

And don't take drugs intended for your mother without a prescription. That's potentially very dangerous.  

I have removed all sexual expectations when I am with her. I have stopped taking fluoxetine. I agree. Taking that medication was stupid. I need to control my sexual desires on my own. 

Yesterday, I was very concentrated on being my self and hiding my sexual desires. We went to a pool, and in the private restrooms when we were naked I just concentrated on the ceiling, and thinking about soccer. When we showered, we kissed, and briefly performed oral on each other. Everything was initiated by her. I imitated her. At her house, we watched a movie, and it went well. What I have noticed is that she really enjoys teasing me a lot. Showing me her boobs, things of that nature, even though it won't lead to sex. I just stand my ground, compliment her, think of something else in my head. Is this normal? According to her, her libido is low right now, but she teases me? I don't understand how that works.

Next week, there is a high chance we might spend the whole day in her house, and no one is going to be there. What should be my approach? What I am thinking is to just go there, spend time with her and initiate nothing. And see if she initiates.

I am just puzzled. We started having sex like 3 months ago. For 3 months, our sex life was great. She would have higher libido than me. She really enjoyed the sex. Always lingeries. She had fantasies she wanted to try out. And then 3 weeks ago, no more lingeries. And then her mom found the condoms. And BOOM. Zero sex drive. It's been almost 3 weeks. And if she wanted to have sex, she wouldve brought up doing it in another place.

It is worth mentioning that 3 weeks ago, she also started working more, and she hates her job. She is constantly very tired. But she worked that much also when we first started having sex. Then she got more days off, and 3 weeks ago started working more again. She also has untreated anxiety and depression. But again, all these factors were present when we first started being intimate. So I don't understand. Something is not adding up. Something is out of place.

I am trying to be the best boyfriend I can be. Always surprising her, taking her out, listening to her, Putting her needs above mine when in bed, and helping her pay for therapy. So I don't understand what else I can do better. She says I am a good boyfriend and our relationship has always been good. 
 

 

[Batya33]

It’s not being the best boyfriend to put on this level of a fake performance and you also don’t trust her explanation. There seems to be way too much emphasis on fondling each others private parts. How about planning fun dates in public ??

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not being the best boyfriend to put on this level of a fake performance and you also don’t trust her explanation. There seems to be way too much emphasis on fondling each others private parts. How about planning fun dates in public ??

We do that a lot. Majority of our dates are outdoors. For example, yesterday, we ate out, went to the pool, walked around, and then went to her house and watched a movie. It is very rare for us to spend the whole day in my house or hers. The only time that happened was the first month when we first started being intimate with each other, 4 months into the relationship. I haven't stopped dating her. I always try to surprise her and make her feel special.

I am just puzzled at what I need to do. Back off and wait for her to initiate? Also, she knows I am horny all the time. Which is true, I even confirmed it to her. That's why I took fluoxetine to lower my drive, in case that upset her. But now I see that was a mistake. Taking medication like that could even kill me. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I have removed all sexual expectations when I am with her. I have stopped taking fluoxetine. I agree. Taking that medication was stupid. I need to control my sexual desires on my own. 

Yesterday, I was very concentrated on being my self and hiding my sexual desires. We went to a pool, and in the private restrooms when we were naked I just concentrated on the ceiling, and thinking about soccer. When we showered, we kissed, and briefly performed oral on each other. Everything was initiated by her. I imitated her. At her house, we watched a movie, and it went well. What I have noticed is that she really enjoys teasing me a lot. Showing me her boobs, things of that nature, even though it won't lead to sex. I just stand my ground, compliment her, think of something else in my head. Is this normal? According to her, her libido is low right now, but she teases me? I don't understand how that works.

Next week, there is a high chance we might spend the whole day in her house, and no one is going to be there. What should be my approach? What I am thinking is to just go there, spend time with her and initiate nothing. And see if she initiates.

I am just puzzled. We started having sex like 3 months ago. For 3 months, our sex life was great. She would have higher libido than me. She really enjoyed the sex. Always lingeries. She had fantasies she wanted to try out. And then 3 weeks ago, no more lingeries. And then her mom found the condoms. And BOOM. Zero sex drive. It's been almost 3 weeks. And if she wanted to have sex, she wouldve brought up doing it in another place.

It is worth mentioning that 3 weeks ago, she also started working more, and she hates her job. She is constantly very tired. But she worked that much also when we first started having sex. Then she got more days off, and 3 weeks ago started working more again. She also has untreated anxiety and depression. But again, all these factors were present when we first started being intimate. So I don't understand. Something is not adding up. Something is out of place.

I am trying to be the best boyfriend I can be. Always surprising her, taking her out, listening to her, Putting her needs above mine when in bed, and helping her pay for therapy. So I don't understand what else I can do better. She says I am a good boyfriend and our relationship has always been good. 

There's something to be said for initiating physical contact without the goal of sex. It's a loving, non-threatening form of affection and may help her feel more comfortable and connected to you.

I mean, you don't want to be pawing at her constantly like a dog in heat, but touching her gently on the small of her back, or giving her neck a kiss, can be a huge source of comfort. Without there being a goal in mind. If it ends in sex, all the better.

And I don't think that you have to hide the difficulty. It's ok to be sexually frustrated, I am just wondering why in just two weeks without it it was so intense or hard for you that you resorted to taking Fluoxetine.

But I get it, everyone is different and has a different libido and that is okay.

She's not even addressing her depression and anxiety. What does that tell you? Sure, she had it when you first met and it didn't affect your intimacy - but life's little way of derailing us has thrown a bit of a curveball at you.

While I agree that backing off when she is trying to avoid it is the right thing to do, she's got some stuff going on (aside from her mother finding condoms in a room that she uses) and that stuff is seeping over.

So what to do?

Well, a lot of it depends on how concerned you are about the relationship. One thing to remember is that this situation is a really difficult one for her too. Can I suggest that you two make time for a longer date night? Make it special. Maybe take her out for a nice dinner then afterwards leave the night up for grabs.

What she needs is 100% mental immersion and that goes with libido just as much as it does with 100% focus on soccer or whatever it is you do. What she really needs to do is de-stress and get out of her head. Try a billiards hall and goof around. Spa it up. Do things that are fun that you don't usually do. The most important thing here is for you two to de-stress and stop stressing over sex. Focus on closeness.

Then if things go right you might get lucky.

Try that. If all else fails, and it's more of the same, then I think you really need to consider that there are underlying issues that are just too much to bridge together.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

.I am just puzzled at what I need to do. Back off and wait for her to initiate? Also, she knows I am horny all the time. Which is true, I even confirmed it to her. 

Please stop taking the pulse of her libido. Especially since you finally admit she has untreated depression and anxiety, which in itself affects libido.

You're trying to be a good BF which is fine, but you'll have to manage your own sex drive without measuring hers all the time. It's too much pressure on both of you and that again is a libido killer for her. Please try to relax and enjoy each other more. 

[Batya33]

If you feel comfortable having oral sex then open your mouth and speak with I statements "I feel confused when you touch me that way and then say you don't want to have sex" or like that -be curious not furious.

Do you feel like you two have a close bond aside from sexual attraction?

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Something is not adding up. Something is out of place.

^^First thing you've said on this thread that makes any sense...

4 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

When we showered, we kissed, and briefly performed oral on each other. Everything was initiated by her.

Did you bring each other to orgasm? 

I think it's odd she's on board with oral which she initiated, but yet has no desire for intercourse and wants you to "calm down"? 

Yes something sounds terribly off about this entire situation and I maintain my original opinion. 

See my previous posts, good luck. . 

 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^First thing you've said on this thread that makes any sense...

Did you bring each other to orgasm? 

I think it's odd she's on board with oral which she initiated, but yet has no desire for intercourse and wants you to "calm down"? 

Yes something sounds terribly off about this entire situation and I maintain my original opinion. 

See my previous posts, good luck. . 

 

I have an orgasm almost every time we have sex. She however, does not. We have talked about this in the past, and she said she has never had an orgasm. She said it was all good and enjoyed having sex with me.  I tried to give her an orgasm. I really did. Whenever I finish, I keep going, and do everything I can to help her reach an orgasm. But without success. 

And regarding oral. We did at the pool bathroom before like a week ago too. We also did intercourse for like 30 seconds but she was afraid we almost got caught. I don't know if she feels comfortable with intercourse at a pool restroom. 

And regarding her cheating history in her previous relationship. Yes bro. I do agree. That is my biggest concern by far. According to her, she changed, and I understand why she did what she did. But it's a fear Ive had for sure. Before I was not too concerned. But now, that sex went from 100 to 0, it does really scare me. But she never hides her phone, no funny business.

She is either at home, or at work. She doesn't have a car, so there is a good chance she is not cheating. But the sudden drop in sex does really scare me. And to add to that, yesterday at the pool she thought I was looking at another woman. I explained to her that I did not. That's the first time it has ever happened. 

Next month I will be away for 3 weeks for vacation. And I am really nervous. This is my first relationship, and I am doing everything to be the best boyfriend that I can be. In the beginning, I sensed something was not right. That she was hiding something. And only after 6 months, the truth came in. And I am having the same feeling again. But I find nothing. And honestly, I am very afraid of what lies ahead.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

. I don't know if she feels comfortable with intercourse at a pool restroom. 

And regarding her cheating history in her previous relationship. Yes bro. I do agree. That is my biggest concern by far. According to her, she changed, and I 

, so there is a good chance she is not cheating. But the sudden drop in sex does really scare me. And to add to that, yesterday at the pool . This is my first relationship, and I am doing everything to be the best boyfriend That she was hiding something.  I am very afraid of what lies ahead.

You already know she's uncomfortable having sex in her mother's house and the pool restroom is even worse. She's not cheating. You need to stop slot shaming her asap. It's playing mind games with you because of your nativity and paranoia and that certainly isn't helping you or your relationship. It doesn't matter if she orgasms. You're both inexperienced and too nervous. Please stop listening to people who feed your paranoia and anxiety as well as your own thoughts. If you don't trust her and want to continue to hold her past against her,set her free for someone more secure and mature.

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I have an orgasm almost every time we have sex. She however, does not. We have talked about this in the past, and she said she has never had an orgasm. She said it was all good and enjoyed having sex with me.  I tried to give her an orgasm. I really did. Whenever I finish, I keep going, and do everything I can to help her reach an orgasm. But without success. 

And regarding oral. We did at the pool bathroom before like a week ago too. We also did intercourse for like 30 seconds but she was afraid we almost got caught. I don't know if she feels comfortable with intercourse at a pool restroom. 

And regarding her cheating history in her previous relationship. Yes bro. I do agree. That is my biggest concern by far. According to her, she changed, and I understand why she did what she did. But it's a fear Ive had for sure. Before I was not too concerned. But now, that sex went from 100 to 0, it does really scare me. But she never hides her phone, no funny business.

She is either at home, or at work. She doesn't have a car, so there is a good chance she is not cheating. But the sudden drop in sex does really scare me. And to add to that, yesterday at the pool she thought I was looking at another woman. I explained to her that I did not. That's the first time it has ever happened. 

Next month I will be away for 3 weeks for vacation. And I am really nervous. This is my first relationship, and I am doing everything to be the best boyfriend that I can be. In the beginning, I sensed something was not right. That she was hiding something. And only after 6 months, the truth came in. And I am having the same feeling again. But I find nothing. And honestly, I am very afraid of what lies ahead.

So you think she's cheating, that's what it reallly boils down to. I haven't cheated in any long term relationship and I can tell you, when my exes have tried to initiate sex when I am under a lot of stress and have already told them I am not in the mood (work stress, home stress, doesn't matter- I just want to save energy for the next day), I have not been very happy.

I don't know the details of her past cheating, whether it was "excitement" or related to stress over work, family, and her personal life.  It would be very, very easy to tell you to ruin your relationship with her and accuse her of cheating based on this hearsay evidence.

My advice for now is just to communicate with her and then leave it alone. Go about your own business. 

She clearly is stressed (about work or something else) in general and feels like she's constantly being watched and cannot even enjoy her own home.  

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

Update. In the sex department, things got better. I learned how to control my self better. By focusing on other things. And I came to accept that my girlfriend has a lower sex drive. I also learned the more she goes without sex, the more she wants it. I went on vacation for almost 3 weeks. When I came back, we had the most passionate sex. I could feel she was really horny. She told me that when she goes that amount of time without sex, she wants it more, as opposed to every week. Which is fine by me.

Anyways, that’s not the topic of the update. The update is, that something happened. Something I am not surprised by, but it is of great relevance for sure.

In our almost 11 months together, she has grown a lot. At the beginning, she didn’t trust me, due to past experiences, but over time, that trust has grown. It was very hard for her to open up about her deepest secrets. Over time, the barriers came down. And yesterday, she told me something else.

She was very worried for her brother. Because of how he is. Like her, he has depression and anxiety, and she is worried for him because of his lack of goals and ambitions in life. So she tried to dig deeper, and I asked if something happened in his and her childhood, and that’s when she started crying and she told me something about her childhood. She has never told anyone about that.

She said that when she was 6 or 7, she got sexually molested by a man. And that her parents would leave the TV turned on, and sexual stuff would come up. So in her early childhood, she thought that stuff was normal. Her brother is like 3 years younger than her. And so around that age her brother and her touched each others private parts. They eventually grew up and all that stopped.

Anyways, she told me that there is a chance her brother was molested by that same man. She also says she feels like a monster for what they did at that age. And she is afraid that what happened when they were really young maybe has an impact on his personality.

I told her that even tho it is messed up, it was not her fault. At that age, kids are gonna do what they see. Monkey see monkey do. And also that man needs to be in jail. What matters is that eventually she outgrew that.

Anyways, she then told me she was really afraid of telling me all this. Because she thought I would see her different and maybe break up with her. That is when I start thinking to my self.

Okay, that’s good. She trusts me a lot to the point where she is sharing something very deep. Thats more trust building up. Ive always told her that communication is key in a relationship. What I am having trouble understanding is. If she thought that there would be a possibility of me seeing her different and breaking up with her, then why did she tell me all that?

Like, Idk. That takes a lot of courage. But like, that doesn’t impact our relationship directly, so why did she decide to tell me? Thats what I don’t understand. Like If I went through what she went through, and I knew that bringing that up could lead to break up, I don’t know if I would be able to share something that deep.

Anyways, I asked her about that. Of why she was telling me all this. And her response was “I don’t know honey, I just felt like you needed to know”.

I also understand she has depression and anxiety. Anyways, I am a natural over thinker. She also is. My question is. Am I overthinking this? Is there something I am missing? Or should I just be grateful she trusts me to the point of telling me all this.

And also how can I be there for her? What can I do to comfort her?

But that little thought is bugging my mind. If she trusts me a lot, why did she think I would see her different and break up with her? And why did she tell me?

[ShySoul]

You never know how a person will react when you tell them something, especially something as huge as what she told you. Even if you trust the person and think it will be okay, there is always the chance you are wrong and it changes everything about your relationship. It's a big risk to take and not something you do easily or without a lot of thought beforehand. There are all kinds of stories of women being abused or molested, telling someone and no one believing them. There are people who make excuses for the guy ("boys will be boys") and people who will turn it around on the woman. It takes a lot of courage to come forward and say something, courage that she might have needed to build inside her first. There may also have been a sense of shame and guilt she had to overcome. Victims can internalize things and think it's there fault, that they deserved it. Admitting it to you might have seemed like admitting her mistake, that she did something horrible.

Basically, her thought process on when and what to say wasn't about you. It was working through her own thoughts and feelings and reaching a point where she was ready to say it. 

She finally did tell you because she trusts you. Your words and actions for almost a year have shown her that you are a caring, compassionate person with who she doesn't have to be as guarded with. You're supportive and understanding. That's awesome. She realized she had found someone that she can open herself to fully, that won't hurt her. Given what happened, there was bound to be lingering doubts. But she knew you were worth the risks. And you handled it great. Children at that age would be curious, especially if sex is an open subject in the household. They weren't monsters. The man was the monster. 

Be there and comfort her by doing just what you have been doing. Treat her with love and respect. Don't pressure her into sex or anything else. Make sure she know you are there for her, even if it's just to listen. Support and encourage her. You've done well, so don't overthing it.

[shouldhavelearned]

Stop having the sex and focus on the relationship 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

 

Unfortunate update: The first part of what she told me in person she told me via text.

The thing is one day later I forgot and left my phone open for 45 seconds while I went to the bathrrom, and during that time my 15 year old brother checked my phone to search something online, but I am positive he did not check the message. She knows this and she knows it is very unlikely he found out. But she got mad at me. Like very mad. Because of the remote possibility that he saw it. And I get it, it’s my fault. I should’ve known better. We communicate a lot. But she was clearly mad because of the small possibility that that information was leaked when she said that was something between me and her. ( A similar thing happened in the past when she told part of her past to her cousin and she ended up telling her whole family.) She asked for 2 hours for her self.

Anyways, I later asked her how she felt during that time, and she said for a split second she thought about leaving me. Her reasoning was because she would never be able to be part of the family and would have to avoid my family because of that information getting leaked. I asked her why she chose to continue being with me and she said because I am the only person she has. Also because she wouldn’t be able to find someone like me.  She said she shouldn’t have been too tough on me that it was okay and that it was not really my fault

I repeatedly told her it’s almost impossible that my little brother went through the messages. She said she believed me andis going to trust me.

Anyway, how bad did I screw up and did she overreact?

[shouldhavelearned]

She's trying to find a way out. 

Hopefully you didn't get her pregnant and can leave the relationship mutually.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

She's trying to find a way out. 

Hopefully you didn't get her pregnant and can leave the relationship mutually.

What makes you think that?

[ShySoul]

Be more careful locking your phone. And tell your brother to not use your stuff without asking permission first. Otherwise, you didn't screw up. You made an easy mistake that could have happened to anyone. I wouldn't even say it was a mistake, more of a bad coincidence.

She's not trying to find a way out. If she was, why would she stay with you and say she overreacted? Wouldn't she have used this as an excuse to just end things? 

You are the first person she has told this to. This is not something she is is comfortable sharing. It is a very private and traumatic subject. So the thought of it getting out probably scares her. Her first instinct was to panic and assume the worse. Given what happened to her and that the last person she told part of it to betrayed that trust, she's going to be easily triggered on the subject. She overreacted, but with a good reason.

Sometimes the best way to handle a disagreement is to take a short break like she did. It gets you away from the initial heat of the moment and anger. It lets you clear your head and think more rationally. Once she did that she saw that it was an accident and wasn't worth breaking up over. That was actually the most mature wag to handle things.

I do think so is overreacting on not being able to be part of your family. There will always be a danger someone will find out, be it family, friends, coworkers, anyone. But the odds aren't great enough to avoid them entirely. She can't live her life hiding from people because they might somehow find out. How long has she known you, had a relationship with you, and you didn't have any idea. How many people has she known since it happened that have no idea? 

It may seem odd at first having this secret neither of you can tell even your closest loved ones. But you will get used to it. Odds are it won't be a problem. And she will get more trusting with you with time. She already trusts you enough to share this. Just stay steady and respectful and ride out those moments of doubt on her part.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/21/2024 at 9:57 AM, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I came to accept that my girlfriend has a lower sex drive...

^^Sounds to me like more of a "desire" drive for all the reasons stated in my previous posts.  

On 6/21/2024 at 9:57 AM, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I also learned the more she goes without sex, the more she wants it. I went on vacation for almost 3 weeks. When I came back, we had the most passionate sex....

^^Bingo!  When you weren't around hounding her for sex, the more she desired it - desired you!  

If it were a decreased libido, that wouldn't have happened.  

Please learn from that and stop acting like a thirsty horndog, and give her space.  Space to miss you, space to desire you!

I and many other women I know have experienced same especially in a long term relationship. 

This was never about "libido."  It's about her desire and it's gonna peak and valley depending on you and how you choose to interact with her at any given time. 

Like you said, the more you leave her alone about sex and give her the space to miss you and desire you, the more she will want/desire sex and you.

Re the text message, I'm not sure if she's looking for a way out but imo it was/is a definite over-reaction on her part.

How does she know your brother even saw the message?   He's 15!  Why would he be scrolling your messages reading texts from your girlfriend?  15 year olds have better things to do.  I grew up with five brothers, I know this. 

Her 'punishment' doesn't fit the 'crime' so to speak. So to me yeah she could possibly be looking for a way out. 

In any event, none of this sounds good or positive.  Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  Too many conflicts. 

I would suggest you start emotionally preparing yourself for this relationship to be over soon.. Great learning experience though about how women's sexual desire works. 

I'm sorry and good luck.