I feel my wife is selfish and over uses me. Not sure if am over reacting

[Ismail]

i have been struggeling with work financials and depression for years. But mostly i am fine and i try to be as supportive and present to my wife and only son. In the past couple of months i had a particularly rough time financially and at work. My wife said i over complain and i will always have a problem to complaint about. I didnt get defensive and said she has a point and i will try to be better. But really things were indeed getting worse financially and at work. I just got rejected from a dream job. I was so drained and angry that am alone. So i sent my wife this message on whatsapp:

“  things are getting tougher at work and financially. Every month now my bank account is in negative i try a lot of things online just to make the credit cards dont get declined. And with the new job i was contacted to apply for i was feeling i will finally find the ultimate solution that fits justly what i saw as what i deserve. I felt i worked hard enough to earn such a job and its benefits. And when they attempted to head hunt me i felt i deserved it and i felt relieved.And that am being treated unfairly at my current job. Now i understand very well that this is not your problem and what you told me earlier about that i always have a story to burden you with and that you feel alone and unsupported. I thought i write my thoughts so that neither i say something that upsets you nor you respond with something that upsets me. Am sending you this message to say that i am not trying to burden you more but i am tired and angry and i am unable to do the things that you want or make you happy or feel you deserve. Its nothing against you, you did nothing wrong. But i just want to explain that as clearly and calmly as i possibly can. Its now out of my hands; am just drained and angry. And am trying to cool down basically. So please even if you are not convinced or dont agree; now is not the right time i can handle these opinions.”

 

my wife responded saying this “thank you for sharing this 🙏” and continued with her daily life. Which was basically napping and watching tv that particular day.

my question is: “right now i feel i dont want to know her anymore. That she is selfish and unreliable and self centric. Am i simply overthinking and over reacting? Is her responses and attitudes normal and its my fault not being strong enough to handle adversity?”

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been married? Do you both work? Is she a sahm? 

Where are the financial drains coming from? It seems like you and your wife need better financial planning and debt management.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Please understand that this level of emotion dumping and complaining is very draining and counterproductive.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Wiseman.

I'm sorry you didn't get the job. 

Is your wife working or otherwise contributing financially to the family? If she's not, that has to change. If she refuses,  you have a much bigger problem.

Have you seen a doctor for your depression? Is it situational? 

 

[Kwothe28]

Its not your sole responsibility to handle finances. Maybe your wife is SAHM, but still, many people work even after getting kids. Because you rarely can raise them on a single income. For example, you can work 2 jobs but still not have enough if you have stuff like debt, rent etc. No matter how much you try, if your expenditure is more than your income, you will be in trouble at the end of the month. And that is not solely your responsibility. You and your wife are supposed to be a union. Meaning that you both should work toward having enough at the end of the month. She being lazy and watching TV all day is not your mistake, its hers. If you want to maintain your standard she would have to work too. Otherwise you would have to manage your finances way better. Meaning maybe move to more affordable area if you pay rent or cut back on some other stuff like food or non- essentials like subscriptions on Netflix and other services if you have that. 
 

Other thing is, if you feel like you are not appreciated enough, that is because you arent. Your partner is suppose to be your support. Somebody who lifts you up after not getting the desired job or after hard life at the current one. That is the whole point of relationships and partnerships, its suppose to be something that makes your life easier, not harder. Your wife doesn’t make it easier nore even appreciate your efforts in maintaining mutual standards of living. Nore does she wants to help in those efforts by finding a job or probably even cutting back on things. Which doesnt make her a good partner but makes her rather somebody who you would probably do better without.

[catfeeder]

What, exactly, do you want wife to do that she is not doing?

Or, what do you want her to stop doing?

[tattoobunnie]

Based on what you wrote, sounds like venting, and skirting around what you want. Not sure what I'd respond with as well.

Just tell her she needs a J-O-B.  If you have young kids, she can be a lunch aide, and off when they are off.

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Based on what you wrote, sounds like venting, and skirting around what you want. Not sure what I'd respond with as well.

I agree. As your wife has pointed out, complaining doesn't solve a problem. Negotiation does. If there is something specific you want from your wife, tell her what it is. Be willing to offer something of value to her in exchange for your request.

Bribery and exchanging favors works for successful couples, while expecting a partner to read your mind is a set up for disappointment and hurt feelings. So get clear about what you want to ask, and then negotiate for it.

[boltnrun]

What is your wife doing to help get the FAMILY out of this financial hole?

[redswim30]

It sounds like your wife is emotionally selfish. 

You clearly vented your heart out to her.  Her response is friendly, but not supportive or holding a strong desire to help you work through all these feelings. 

First thing is first, please see someone about your depression.   It will only be helpful to you, no matter what is going on within your marriage. 

Sorry you got rejected from the job.  But remember, it's just one job.  There will be more. 

You and your wife need to sit down and talk about things.  While it's not her job to "fix" your depression.  It IS her job to be supportive and to be as emotionally open and available to you as you seem to be towards her.  It's interesting that she says you complain too much, but it also sounds like when you express anything less than pleasant emotions, her response is to shut down.  No wonder you feel emotionally alone, it's because you ARE.   You are basically in a no win emotional situation with her.  She doesn't want to hear complaining, yet when you are fair and vulnerable she shuts down.  You do not have healthy communication here.   I would strongly recommend getting into couples therapy.  

You both need some help defining your emotional needs.   Marriage takes two and you BOTH need to be fully invested in creating change and improvements.  If you both aren't in this, your marriage will only continue to deteriorate little by little, until it reaches a boiling point and one (or both) of you can't take it anymore and separate.   Take it from me, your marriage is on a bad path.  NOW is the time to try and correct it, not brush it under the rug just hoping things will get better.  Honesty and therapy time. 

[TeeDee]

Why would you send your wife a whatsapp message like that?  Why wouldn't you call her or wait to discuss things when you got home. 

If your salary isn't paying the bills it's time you two made a new household budget or she gets a job.   Stop shouldering the whole burden yourself.  

[AuthenticSelf]

Before thinking she was selfish,  we need to look at her point first. 

I heard there was a husband in Japan or some Asian country complained his wife sort of just stay home and do nothing 

Until the day when she was sick, he got to stay home and took care of the kids. For him, it was a nightmare.  

 

 

 

Are you annoyed because you will always have a problem to complain about or you wife said you over complain? 

[Tinydance]

Well I'm actually not really sure how to answer this because I feel we didn't get enough information. My question is the same, why is your wife not working? How old is your son? Do you have any family (e.g. parents) that can watch your son while she can work? Or can you send him to daycare? How long have you been married? To give a better answer I need to get an idea of the situation.

For example here in Australia it's very multicultural. There are a lot of married people who moved here from overseas alone and they have no family here at all. To send your child to daycare you have to pay and some people can't really afford it. So the wife stays at home to look after the kids. But believe it or not I actually know a married man who is a stay at home father because it's his wife who makes a lot of money. So in this case it's the man who isn't working.

Second question is why are you struggling financially? Usually something happens to put you in this situation so what happened?

The thing is I know it's easy to say your wife isn't supportive and I agree, she needs to be supportive. But you say she accused you of complaining too much. Do you think you do complain too much or she exaggerated?

I completely understand depression but I can really see the other person's side as well. My ex fiance had severe depression and anxiety and he was extremely negative a lot of the time. I was with him for more than two years and I actually was very supportive in my opinion. I'm not blaming anyone for having depression because it's an illness just like a physical illness. But it's actually very hard to be with someone with depression because that person can be really incapacitated by it and as a partner you can't do anything/much.

My ex would have bad mood swings and he would actually complain a lot about everything. The thing is depression puts the person in a very dark place and they tend to see things as really negative.

For example, my ex had really nice work colleagues who I met many times. They invited him to parties, out for dinner, drinks, etc. But my ex would get really depressed and be like: "Nobody at work likes me, nobody talks to me, etc." And even though it was the depression talking, it's very difficult to listen to this all the time and especially as it's not the reality. This is just one example but he was like this about a lot of things. And the problem is that while I did want to support him but I'm not a professional therapist and a partner shouldn't have to take on that burden constantly. 

I actually don't know your situation at all so I don't know if you are complaining a lot or not. I was just talking about my own experience being in a relationship with someone with bad depression. I think maybe you could benefit from going to therapy instead of only coming to your wife about your feelings and problems. But of course she does need to be supportive and be there for you. All I'm saying is people can reach their limits, you know what I mean? But at the same time I know there are some people who can't deal with anything emotional and just shut off. My Dad was like this. So again as I'm saying, I can see both sides of the story.

 

[Tinydance]

Oppps just saw this was an old post lol Hope you're feeling better OP!

[Butterbea]

Sorry that you are feeling so much stress. It was fine the way you approached your wife, though a bit open ended. Maybe you could lay out a budget. Together and lay out a saving plan? Can she work. Part time babysit or elder care?