I need guidance.

[Batya33]

I don’t think a professional therapist has to be married to treat married couples. Can a male obstetrician help and treat pregnant women ? Can a female therapist treat a male?

[Loka56]

54 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think a professional therapist has to be married to treat married couples. Can a male obstetrician help and treat pregnant women ? Can a female therapist treat a male?

A valid point, but I think a non-married marriage therapist would be using learnings from books instead of any kind of personal or professional experience.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

A valid point, but I think a non-married marriage therapist would be using learnings from books instead of any kind of personal or professional experience.

Yes and I would not make that a priority right now in your circumstances and you are actually very wrong from all my knowledge and understanding -that person would be using learnings from his or her professional experience, professional knowledge.  Personal experience can be harmful actually because of bias.  You are in a very serious situation so I'd get help sooner rather than later and avoid your assumptions that are not based in reality.  You have serious marital issues.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Batya. And actually, this is a personal issue even more so than a specialized marriage issue. What you need help with is regulating your emotions and communication. So why not start booking some first meets so you can find a therapist you are comfortable with? 

Have you stopped threatening to leave? That's one of the Golden rules, never using threats to leave or other threats in a relationship. Unless you actually mean you are leaving for good. It will destroy the foundation of trust and security so fast your head will spin.

[Loka56]

13 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Have you stopped threatening to leave?

I didn't say it again. But today, I said, 'Do you want me to live with you?' which I think is same, and must have sound the same. 

[itsallgrand]

2 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

I didn't say it again. But today, I said, 'Do you want me to live with you?' which I think is same, and must have sound the same. 

Yes, it's the same. Bringing the relationship into question every time there's any hiccup at all.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

 I think a non-married marriage therapist would be using learnings from books instead of any kind of personal or professional experience.

Unfortunately you seem to be trying to be an obedient wife but you are seething with so much anger, then blow up acting out.

You don't need a marriage therapist.You need a licensed qualified therapist. You grew up in an abusive unhealthy household therefore individual therapy is more appropriate.

I'm sorry but the marital status of healthcare providers is irrelevant and your prejudices are not valid.  Sadly it seems like you are looking for excuses not to fix things. 

Please stop having tantrums at least. Especially when your husband called you out on only cuddling up to look at his phone and then you lied about it. 

[smackie9]

I'm married but not a therapist, but I do see your issues. You can't expect change in an instant. You need to pick small goals and do them one at a time, whether it be some self improvement, or a simple adjustment request of your husband.

Acting out is your number one issue that should be addressed first. Cut out the drama. You don't sleep on the damn floor crying. This will affect the whole household. Your kids hear it and feel it no matter what you think. It proves nothing to your husband except you acting out like a child. You are a big girl now. If it can't possibly be resolved you just go find a different place in the house to sleep, like the sofa or guest room. Next, don't have discussions before bed. You do it when you both can have time to sit and talk like after dinner or on the weekend when there is one on one time. Make room for compromises. If you don't get your way, make a compromise that you both can accept...bend a little. Remove the tunnel vision. Don't pinpoint and stew over something that is bothering you. You don't have a clear mind, you won't be able to discuss things reasonably. Fights will ensue every time if you are not calm, and have your thought and feelings in check. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Loka56 said:

… I think a non-married marriage therapist would be using learnings from books instead of any kind of personal or professional experience.

No, she or he would be objectively treating your anxiety and rage through years of clinical experience, many of which were supervised and reviewed by senior professionals in the field.

Instead of allowing perfectionism to be your barrier to treatment, you can pursue treatment for that as well. You are getting in your own way with your ego, and you’d best put that aside before you destroy your relationships with your family beyond repair.

Your attention-seeking tantrums are within your control, but as long as you choose to view them as something that happens TO you rather than as your own responsibility to manage, you will continue to act out in ways that drive a larger and larger wedge between your partner and yourself. Telling him you are sorry has run out of sincerity when you continue the behaviors. Then you get angrier when your partner assigns hostile motives to you, even while you throw another tantrum to prove his point.

Step up, get the help, and don’t make it about the therapist, because you are the one who needs to do the work. The best therapist in the world can’t do that FOR you. The work will not have you leaving that office feeling wonderful and cleaned up. You’ll need to be willing to take your stuff apart and make a mess before you can even get near the point of clean up, so don’t waste your time and money on trying to play the role of the ‘good patient’. That’s a delay tactic that is typical (I’ve done it myself) and reaches for an early proclamation that you are terrific and everyone else must be the problem. Skip that part and go straight into your worst messes, your biggest fails, and your deepest shames. You’ll thank yourself sooner rather than later.