I need guidance.

[Loka56]

So, it's been around one and a half months being married to this amazing man. But I am struggling with one thing: on every quarrel, I say things like, 'Did you marry me for this?' 'drop me off at my mom's house' and things like that. These things do sound like threats. And as he has ended a marriage before, he is kind of scared/worried about our future together. 

So, the last time when he explained how he felt about this, I promised myself that I wouldn't say such mean things to him. But last night, I said the same sentence again 😞

What I came to know is: I suck at managing conflicts. 

I kind of get out of control when we try to talk things out. I don't want to open the doors to continuous yelling, fights, conflicts, and things like that. 

What should I do to control this behavior of mine? 

 

[MissCanuck]

I would seek professional counselling at this point. 

If you don't, you are likely to destroy the marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

: on every quarrel, I say things like, 'Did you marry me for this?' 'drop me off at my mom's house' and things like that. I promised myself that I wouldn't say such mean things to him. But last night, I said the same sentence again

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Please ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. You seem to be trying to manage major anger problems in ineffective ways.

Why does he upset you so much? You seem to have been miserable and conflicted throughout your relationship. 

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why does he upset you so much? You seem to have been miserable and conflicted throughout your relationship. 

To be honest, he doesn't upset me. I get upset. 

A night ago, what happened is he was letting me know a thing that he doesn't like. It was a small thing. He said that calmly. Everything was cool. But I got offended. As we were having a very light-mood chat, he put his earphones on, and it triggered me. I got upset and went to sleep. I yelled at him, 'I don't want to talk'

The next day, I kept on avoiding him. Why? Because I was thinking that he must be angry at me. However, he reached out to me 4 times during the day, and ii responded in a way that concluded our conversation in a few sentences. This is when he got upset in actual. 

The thing is, I know that I am not doing things in a healthy way, and it upsets him too. I noticed that he didn't sleep so well. 

About physical evaluation, I don't know how to go about that. Like, for mental health, I know I have to find a psychologist and start counseling. For the physical part, are you referring to tests? Can you give me some pointers? 

I am literally a dumb person. I got this far in life by reading books and implementing and applying the teachings of books. 

 

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I would seek professional counselling at this point. 

If you don't, you are likely to destroy the marriage. 

Thank you. I am definitely going to do that at this point. 

[MissCanuck]

Have you always struggled to regulate your emotions, OP? 

[Loka56]

Not always. I started facing difficulties in emotional management in 2021. I consulted with a psychologist back then. I was living at my dad's home, and things were at the peak of their worst. I was in the 7th semester of my degree, my mom's health was deteriorating, I took a loan for my younger sister's university admission, and was doing a full-time remote job. Things were getting out of my hands, so I consulted with a psychologist immediately. 

[Batya33]

Agree with Miss Canuck. I gave birth 2 months and 19 days into marriage.  We were 42.  We are now 57.  First marriage, first baby, 550 square foot apartment (mine).  Honestly -he is an amazing man but that's not my mindset that we are "amazing" and I wonder if part of this is you're putting him on some pedestal and then you crash and burn. 

We're humans.  Flawed humans.  I picked at him some as a new tired momma at the way he changed a diaper for example (I'd done that plenty as a sitter/nanny etc he never had -not surprising).  I realize now that was wrong - and he called me out on it and I stopped as much as humanly possible. 

In fact the one thing I think is essential is being the opposite - let your loved one do things his way, own it - so yes I'm running to a bog box store this morning to return a ridiculous purchase he made (my amaing highly intelligent husband cannot shop properly if his life depended on it and ... I can't help our son with his physics homework).  Yes I was annoyed - no I did not escalate as you do. 

See- it's about humility - self talk is powerful.  Before you open your mouth -self-talk "oh he put his earphones in just as I was telling him about how my coworker ate my left over fresh mozarella salad again" and say "self -let's see - did I do anything rude today? yesterday? is he really tired/can I cut him slack/can I wait 24 hours - and if I'm still upset tell him with I statements "I felt hurt when I was telling my story and you blocked me out with your earbuds".  Maybe in 24 hours after you replenish the fresh mozz you'll feel different- right?

Before you open your mouth find a place to press your fingers onto a surface - palm down. Or even press your feet into the floor.  Grounding.  Yes the whole 4-7-8 breathing works wonders (Weil Method -google it) or even just a deep breath.  You have to pause before you open your mouth.  And when you do slow down your speech -that will also modulate your tone.  I had to do that for our maintenance staff on Friday when I came home to a mess in my kitchen - my head was spinning to begin with so I slowww down and modulate my tone - I need them to want to help us - you need your husband to be on your team.

No you're not "bad at managing conflicts" -that's too broad (also what conflict when he rudely put in his earphones - you chose to raise the issue in a sort of toddler/venting way)- and you'll end up giving yourself a pass -keep it to the specific situation.  Keep it simple - avoid the psycho babble stuff.  "I overreacted when husband forgot to buy more bananas"  AND yes therapy -none of this is to say you don't need therapy.  A powerful tool  I agree.

  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Not always. I started facing difficulties in emotional management in 2021. I consulted with a psychologist back then. I was living at my dad's home, and things were at the peak of their worst. I was in the 7th semester of my degree, my mom's health was deteriorating, I took a loan for my younger sister's university admission, and was doing a full-time remote job. Things were getting out of my hands, so I consulted with a psychologist immediately. 

Good for you! And yes external stuff can exacerbate.  And - as you know people deal with a lot more and stay reasonably together and others have a lot less going on and fly off the handle.  

[Loka56]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Before you open your mouth find a place to press your fingers onto a surface - palm down. Or even press your feet into the floor.  Grounding.  Yes the whole 4-7-8 breathing works wonders (Weil Method -google it) or even just a deep breath.  You have to pause before you open your mouth.  And when you do slow down your speech -that will also modulate your tone.  I had to do that for our maintenance staff on Friday when I came home to a mess in my kitchen - my head was spinning to begin with so I slowww down and modulate my tone - I need them to want to help us - you need your husband to be on your team.

Thank you for your response.

He said I behaved like a toddler who loves her daddy when he brings her favorite candy, and if not, then daddy is a bad person. And it clicked. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Thank you for your response.

He said I behaved like a toddler who loves her daddy when he brings her favorite candy, and if not, then daddy is a bad person. And it clicked. 

I mean that's not very nice of him and -I get why he reacted that way. Glad it clicked! Be humble - confident people know of humility and know what they don't know - hope that clicks too.

[Andrina]

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a great book to read on couples' communication. I'd read it while you're awaiting the therapy appointment.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

 he was letting me know a thing that he doesn't like. It was a small thing. He said that calmly. Everything was cool. But I got offended. As we were having a very light-mood chat, he put his earphones on, and it triggered me. 

What exactly upsets you? You mentioned "light mood" talk but what is that and what did he say about "small things he didn't like"? It's strange you claim hes doesn't upset you yet you are seriously angry with him. Also strange that you claim "everything was cool but I got offended". 

[Loka56]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly upsets you?

He puts on his earphones while we are having a chat and asks me 'can you repeat what you said' with a loud voice. 

 

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

everything was cool but I got offended

Yes, the conversation was going smoothly until this ^ happened. 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/4/2024 at 7:00 AM, Loka56 said:

 he was letting me know a thing that he doesn't like. 

You keep avoiding the question of what he "didn't like".  

[Loka56]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You keep avoiding the question of what he "didn't like".  

I don't want to answer this one. 

[catfeeder]

I’ve found it helpful to clarify for myself the difference between a reaction and a response. A reaction is a flood of emotion without rational thought, and acting from this is usually irrational and destructive. A response considers factual information and potential options as well as consequences. It relies on reasoning to determine and deliver an answer.

So I won’t answer anything while I’m emotionally flooding. I’ll say, “That just struck me pretty hard, and I need to take some time and think it through.”

 The people closest to us are the most likely to stumble across our hidden minefields of shame. We may not even be conscious of these. But it appears that your spouse keeps stepping on your trip wires, and you instantly blow.

You are rightly concerned, because yes, this can kill your marriage. You mentioned above that you spoke with a therapist before, can you reach out to that person again?

[Cherylyn]

Practice self control.  Think before you speak and write.  Learn how to be empathetic.  Place yourself in other people's shoes.  Ask your self how you would want to be treated,  how you would want to be spoken to and written to.  Is it kind?  Is it respectful?  Are there good manners?  Is there politeness?  These are very basic rules of human decency and treating others honorably.  Treat others with dignity.  Have integrity. 

Be slow to anger.  Take a pause and think before you act upon it.  If you're unsure,  then obviously it's not wise to blurt out an emotional outburst with negative consequences.  ☹️

Reword everything.  Instead of being cynical and sarcastic,  tone it down so your sentences are calm,  mature,  intelligent and nice.  Then discuss whatever is bothering you so it doesn't sound acidic.   Don't lash out.  Don't explode impulsively otherwise you'll face severe repercussions.  ☹️ Never play with people because most people don't play and they won't take your ________ either.  They simply dissolve and exit the relationship PERMANENTLY because it's easier,  more convenient,  saves time,  energy and resources in the long run.  People feel safer and secure when conditions are comfortable.  Any other way is too much unnecessary,  wasteful work.

Threats backfire.  I know for myself whenever anyone plays games with me,  I don't fight back anymore.  Why bother?  I simply leave the relationship because my life is too precious to waste it on a person who doesn't treat me right.  I deserve to be treated with kindness and if it doesn't happen consistently,  I prefer to either be alone or surround myself with people who know how to behave like decent human beings.  There is no gray.  Either behave with class and grace or it won't work.  Often times people make it more complicated than it needs to be. 

[Loka56]

15 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Practice self control.  Think before you speak and write.  Learn how to be empathetic.  Place yourself in other people's shoes.  Ask your self how you would want to be treated,  how you would want to be spoken to and written to.  Is it kind?  Is it respectful?  Are there good manners?  Is there politeness?  These are very basic rules of human decency and treating others honorably.  Treat others with dignity.  Have integrity. 

Be slow to anger.  Take a pause and think before you act upon it.  If you're unsure,  then obviously it's not wise to blurt out an emotional outburst with negative consequences.  ☹️

Reword everything.  Instead of being cynical and sarcastic,  tone it down so your sentences are calm,  mature,  intelligent and nice.  Then discuss whatever is bothering you so it doesn't sound acidic.   Don't lash out.  Don't explode impulsively otherwise you'll face severe repercussions.  ☹️ Never play with people because most people don't play and they won't take your ________ either.  They simply dissolve and exit the relationship PERMANENTLY because it's easier,  more convenient,  saves time,  energy and resources in the long run.  People feel safer and secure when conditions are comfortable.  Any other way is too much unnecessary,  wasteful work.

Threats backfire.  I know for myself whenever anyone plays games with me,  I don't fight back anymore.  Why bother?  I simply leave the relationship because my life is too precious to waste it on a person who doesn't treat me right.  I deserve to be treated with kindness and if it doesn't happen consistently,  I prefer to either be alone or surround myself with people who know how to behave like decent human beings.  There is no gray.  Either behave with class and grace or it won't work.  Often times people make it more complicated than it needs to be. 

Thank you so much @Cherylyn. Honestly, my behavior is concerning for me. I just don't want to keep doing that. I used to journal before getting married; back then, it was a bit easier to control my emotional outbursts. I am going to resume that. 

[Loka56]

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

So I won’t answer anything while I’m emotionally flooding. I’ll say, “That just struck me pretty hard, and I need to take some time and think it through.”

Thank you for mentioning this. 

I will surely start using it. 

[Kwothe28]

You can perfectly discern that you shouldnt threat your husband that you would leave him. You just choose not to. Because people learn some pattern behaviors through life. You learned that its easier to threat and emotionally manipulate(because yes, what you do is an emotional manipupation) then to talk rationally about what you are experiencing at the moment. For example, whole earbuds argument could be avoided by you just asking him to take them off to talk. No need for "triggered" mode and you blowing it out of the proportion. I mean, we dont know what he says to you, but what you describe is nothing that big that cant be solved by talking. No, you are not "dumb". You just use that as an excuse not to work on yourself and you handling conflicts. Because you learned that emotionally manipulating him is easier to get what you want then to solve the conflict in a healthy way. You pout for few days, he gets concerned that you will leave and it resolved by him dropping the ball on the ground. 

And unfortunately it takes a lot of work to change those patterns. People literally go to school to learn that. Those kind of behaviors if they are missed by a family(which is a case in your example) and their education of you, are tried to "fixed" through school or even society in general in some cases. If not, they just persist. So I would suggest a therapy. Meditation and other stuff wont help you when your whole behavioral pattern is quite literally toxic. 

[Cherylyn]

I actually admire you because you want to change for the better.  This world would be a better place if more people were humble enough to admit faults,  admit their shortcomings,  put forth sincere effort to change by treating others with utmost respect and consistent kindness. 

Most people whom I know continue behaving badly towards others and consequences be darned.  They don't care how other people feel whatsoever.  If anyone is offended,  hurt,  pained,  disappointed or disrespected,  it never matters which is most infuriating.  😡  I avoid those types of people like the plague.

You are growing up and maturing.  Intelligent people such as yourself become silent and wise.  Unintelligent people do what they do and they really don't wonder why they alienate others because again,  they simply do not care.  They're not empathetic types.

Develop emotional intelligence which is feeling for others and your life will turn around to the point where you'll like yourself better,  feel more secure and it will all come back to you because you'll be received well.  ☺️

[Loka56]

Guys, it's less than a month to this thread, and the same thing happened again. 😞

What happened: He was watching an FB video, and I was next to him, trying to sleep. I couldn't sleep, so I turned to him to get close. As I tried getting close to him, he tried getting away, hiding his mobile screen, which made me look at his phone. I saw a woman with no clothes on in front of a well-dressed man, and the background was white. He said, 'What are you doing? You startled me,' I replied, 'I am just trying to get close to you, nothing more than that,' and turned away. After a couple of minutes, I asked what you were watching, and he said, 'Nothing.' I said,' I saw there was a woman with no clothes on and a white background.' he said, okay, let me show you, and he showed me the video he was watching. I turned to the other side and slept. This was the Monday night. 

The next day, everything was cool. In fact, the kid's mom made some false accusations about me in the court. The typical way of presenting a stepmom in custody court. My hubby and I thought that we should talk about this move of their mom with them. On Tuesday, the eldest son had an appointment with the child psychologist, and my husband wanted me to talk to the eldest son about the case accusation before his appointment so that he could address how he feels about this in his session. I did it before my husband woke up. And when he woke up, I told him about this. He was so happy, and he appreciated the way I talked and said,' You handle these things so well' 

On Tuesday, I was happy all day long. I had very good moments with my MIL and kids. I was waiting for the night to come and see him. I was tired, and I fell asleep a bit earlier than usual, but I woke up after two hours and saw him busy with YouTube shorts. I waited for like 45 minutes, then asked him if he was upset with me. he said, yes, I am upset about what happened last night. It makes me feel like you are trying to keep an eye on me. You were next to me the whole time I was watching game videos, and as soon as I started watching that particular video, you got close to confronting me.  

This, his statement that it was planned like I wanted to confront him, got me defensive because it wasn't the case, and instead of saying sorry, I started explaining myself and started an argument. 

And he said, 'I don't want to talk about it right now I am already exhausted' 

What I should have done was listen to his request and give him some room to cool down. But I started saying sorry and expected him to be okay instantly. It resulted in irritating him to the extent that he shut me down with a loud manly voice which scared the hell out of me, and I slept on the floor in anger, crying. 

I didn't sleep the whole night, so he is. I was so angry at him that I didn't make breakfast. He is going to Dubai for 10 days to attend a conference on Friday night. On Wednesday, I didn't do anything for him and kept thinking that he didn't need me because he wasn't asking me for anything. On Wednesday night, he was packing his stuff alone, which was taxing for him, and I didn't help. I worked till 3 AM and then went to the bedroom, he was watching something on his phone, and I slept on the floor again. Throughout the night, I woke up multiple times because he was unable to fall asleep. He started doing his office work. 

Now, on Thursday, I asked the wrong question, 'Do you want me to live with you' and then we started talking. Everything else is good. What I am sick of is the way I think of these tiny quarrels and start thinking that he doesn't need me. The way I was angry at him the whole day and didn't help him in anything is so bad. 

On Wednesday, my mother-in-law (MIL) saw me in a low-energy mood, so she said that I should rest. I was sleep-deprived, so I slept from 4 PM to 6PM. Then my MIL took me out on a dinner, just she and I, while the kids were at their aunt's. 

Kids, too, noticed that I was not as lively as I am usually. The second son, who is the most difficult one among these four, said, 'mummy, are you taking off of work today? I said, no. He replied, I'll do my homework on my own today, you can rest or do your office work, you are looking so low in energy.'

The youngest one of these four said, 'mummy, today I will change to night dress on my own. I am a big girl now.'

I am looking for insights on how to be an adult 😢

[Loka56]

Progress on psychologists: I couldn't find psychologists who specialize in marriage and family matters. The ones I found aren't married, and I am married to a single dad of four kids. I think it is pointless to talk to someone who is not married. 

BetterHelp seems to be the last option, but 

- it is expensive

- it is not in my native language, and I suck at English speaking+writing. 

[Loka56]

His flight is tomorrow night. I want to make it up to him. Any suggestions other than making his favorite food? He is so easy to please, but I want to make some effort.