Online issues

[needingadvice99]

I have been married happily for 22 years, together 26 years. I have no complaints in my marriage. We are best friends and have a great sex life.

I recently was plugging in all our devices in our kitchen before heading out to the gym. When I plugged in my husband's tablets, a picture of a nude woman popped up on the screen. I thought it was odd, so I opened the internet and looked at his history and it was Def not a pop up. He had clicked on 15 pics of this same woman from a free internet site.

He walked into the kitchen and could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong. I said why did this pic pop up on your screen? He said oh, it's probably a pop-up. I said no, it is not. You clicked on 15 pictures of this girl. He finally said, ok, yes I did. I said why? He said, I have been physically exhausted the past three days. I really wanted to have sex with you, but could not stay awake to even try. So this morning I was looking at these pics as I was really frustrated with myself. I was like, that doesn't even make sense. I asked if he was paying for the site or talking to the women and he said absolutely not. I believe him in that respect. He also said be loves me and our relationship and loves having sex with me. We have a very active sex life so this isn't about him not getting laid.

I get many women have no prob with porn, but I am not ok with this. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel old, unattractive and not good enough, even though I know none of that is true. Side note, my husband would be very unhappy if he knew I was looking secretly at porn online.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I know men and women are very different. I'm just trying to understand and process all of this and know I'm not alone.

Thanks for listening.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, needingadvice99 said:

 He said, I have been physically exhausted the past three days. I really wanted to have sex with you, but could not stay awake to even try. So this morning I was looking at these pics as I was really frustrated with myself. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Does he have any health issues? 

He should not have blamed you for masturbating instead of sex because he was exhausted.  Perhaps suggest marriage therapy if you feel his porn and masturbation is creating issues with the marriage. 

[smackie9]

first off, you should have called him out on his bs excuses right there. He lied to you and you shouldn't put up with that. Secondly you need to express how it made you feel to him. You both need to communicate better about this.

[ShySoul]

To be clear, he's saying he has been too tired and feel asleep? If so, maybe there was a sense of confusion, fustration, and shame. For some men there is probably a worry that something is wrong with them, that they are less manly if they can't "get it up." If he is regularly able to have sex, maybe that fustrated him more that he wasn't able to perform. And that might not be something you want to discuss, might be embarrassed by. So in the heat of the moment, maybe he thought he would test himself with porn. Yes, bad decision. He allowed his fustrations to override his better judgement. And yes, he should have been honest when confronted.

The question now is was this a one time mistake or is this a larger issue for him? Relationships are about honesty and trust. You need to make clear to him how you feel about it, how much it hurts you and why. And he should care enough about you to understand and respect that. If the relationship is as you say, then it shouldn't be difficult for him to not turn to porn. Likewise, if he feels something is wrong, then he needs to be honest about it. The key is that the two of you talk things out openly and work together through whatever comes up.

[MissCanuck]

He's probably been doing this for a while. It was just the first time you caught him. 

7 hours ago, needingadvice99 said:

I get many women have no prob with porn, but I am not ok with this.

Does he know that? 

7 hours ago, needingadvice99 said:

It hurts my feelings and makes me feel old, unattractive and not good enough

Why is that? Dig deeper here and see how your self-esteem is doing these days. You don't have to be okay with porn, to be very clear, but it's worth exploring why some random pics of a naked lady on the internet have the ability to make you feel this terrible.