Would you bring that up? (early stage)

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi Sindy, gotta admit I'm a bit surprised given your earlier posts about him.  I honestly thought from your posts and  was really hoping he was the one for you! 

I do understand though now that you've shared more context and believe you made the right decision for you since you didn't feel right about things.

About him not being comfortable with you seeing his home and how he lives, allow me to share a story about my friend. 

Her boyfriend didn't want her seeing his place for almost an entire year! Finally he invited her over and he lived in virtual squalor and said he had been embarrassed.

She on the other hand had a large beautiful home so it was fine spending all their time at hers and he eventually moved in but kept his place. 

I always felt something was seriously off and never liked him but accepted she loved him and supported her decision.

They were together five years.  During their fifth year, she discovered that he had been cheating with several woman throughout their entire relationship from the beginning!  Taking them to his.

Where am I going with this?  You made the right call!  Balancing logic with emotion.  And logically things didn't add up, and after only 6 weeks, it's NEXT. 

I'm learning to do this too, balance logic with emotion.  Had I done that in my previous relationships including my ex-husband, I never would have gotten as involved as I did and gotten hurt. 

I am sorry things didn't work out for you though, thats always a disappointment.

But good job and I'm glad you're feeling better too and your wounds are healing! 😀

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You made the right call!  Balancing logic with emotion.  And logically things didn't add up, and after only 6 weeks, it's goodbye.

This is exactly what I’m trying to stick to. If there’s something I cannot understand, I adress it, if the guy cannot correct I move on… it’s that simple and so important in the early stages. I do think he is single, but if he is not ready to invite me over to his place, it doesn’t work for me. he might just no be ready to give space to a woman in his life. Whatever his reasons are, not my problem, we are not on the same page. So I next… I hope everything is going good for you and your guy! Thank you also for your support! 

[boltnrun]

I have kids and a hard and fast rule I had was that no man would ever spend the night when I had my kids with me.  Not unless we were planning to live together.  Any man who had a problem with that wouldn't be in my life anymore.  I was in three different relationships over the course of about 12 years and this was my rule for all of them.  However, when the kids weren't there then I did allow sleepovers.  I had a set schedule for when the kids were with me and when they weren't so it was fairly easy to plan.

But I understand you've been having doubts about this man.  I feel he could have planned to at least have you over for dinner or something.

I hope you are healing well from your accident.

[Sindy_0311]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

 

I have kids and a hard and fast rule I had was that no man would ever spend the night when I had my kids with me.  Not unless we were planning to live together.  Any man who had a problem with that wouldn't be in my life anymore.  I was in three different relationships over the course of about 12 years and this was my rule for all of them.  However, when the kids weren't there then I did allow sleepovers.  I had a set schedule for when the kids were with me and when they weren't so it was fairly easy to plan.

 

This is exactly the way I operate. I never introduced a man to my kid. They come to my place when he isn’t. For me it’s important to allow a man I’m dating to come over after a few dates, and I expect the same in return. I am a mom but I also prioritize my love life. If I cannot go to his place after a few weeks of dating, I assume there’s an issue either because of his supposed single status or because he isn’t willing to share his world with me. In both cases, huge red flag 🚩 

[catfeeder]

Oh, I'm sorry, Sindy. I'm happy to learn that despite your private insecurities you've also been able to uphold a focus on whether this man would meet your needs as well.

That's the part that gets lost for people who are too focused on pleasing, and less on evaluating. You have clarity about what you seek from dating, and that is a healthy and wonderful model for all of us.

Also glad to hear that your wounds are healing well.

[Sindy_0311]

I asked my friend to check the dating app, to see if he was online. She sent me a screen shot of his profile. He registered again after only 24 hours… in his details it mentions that he is looking for casual only. Seems like I dogged a bullet.

In one of his last texts he said that he would wait for me for a while in case I change my mind, but apparently he won’t… I will send him a good riddance text tomorrow and then block him. I don’t understand why he registered again knowing that I would probably see it if I activate mine… he could at least have changed for another app for a few days or hide his profile… it’s weird. 

I don’t regret anything. I had good company, good sex, and learnt another lesson: I will stick to my principle to not accept exclusivity so early on. I already have another date planned for next week 😄🙏

[kim42]

I don't understand why you would care if he's on a dating app after you ended things with him. I mean, he's free to do whatever he wants.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't understand why you would care if he's on a dating app after you ended things with him. I mean, he's free to do whatever he wants.

I agree.  He might be honestly "waiting" meaning -all he's doing is advertising he is single -which he is- so if in the next little while you change your mind what he did after you ended things is none of your business.  I don't think after just 9 weeks of dating it's fair to expect him not to look to date anyone else after you told him you're no longer interested in dating. Also I'd stop checking up on him -close that door.

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm a bit confused by your reaction Sindy, and wondering how you're viewing this?

I mean you broke up with him, the end. 

He's hurt naturally and says he may wait in case it's just fear or something (my take on why he wants to wait) and you change your mind.

In the meantime, he dates other women but casually. He states on the app he only wants casual. 

I'm not understanding why you're faulting him for this, did you expect that he would sit home and act like a monk in case someday you change your mind?  

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but what's really going on?  And why in the world would you ever send him this (below) when you already ended it?

9 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I will send him a good riddance text tomorrow and then block him. 

Please don't send that. Again, you already ended it, there is no reason to. 

You seem angry about something.  IMO he sounded like a good guy who cared about you. 

You were uncomfortable that he didn't invite you to see his just yet, and you suddenly ended it. 

Personally, I was surprised by your reaction to that; I wound not have had the same reaction.  But supported your decision regardless. 

But I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around you're reaction now.

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don't understand why you would care if he's on a dating app after you ended things with him. I mean, he's free to do whatever he wants.

Yes he is free of course. But i was a bit surprised to be honest. I dont know what he is about. He texted me this morning asking how my appointement to the doctor went. I didn’t reply. I told him the other day that I was moving on, so why is he still reaching out like if nothing happened. I don’t want to be rude either by blocking him right away. But I guess I will have to do it if he reaches out again. 
im always curious about people’s behaviors, and why they act the way they do.

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I'm always curious about people’s behaviors, and why they act the way they do.

Do you extend that same curiosity to yourself and your own reactions?

I always support you Sindy, whatever feels right to you. 

But again, honestly I don't understand your reaction now and feel there is something else going on (within you) that is causing this reaction.

Just my take. 

 

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Please don't send that. Again, you already ended it, there is no reason to. 

You seem angry about something.  IMO he sounded like a good guy who cared about you. 

I didn’t send him the text. Didn’t send anything since I wished him well on Saturday. Frankly I’m feeling frustrated… might be because of the events of last week, the fact that I had plenty of time on my hands to overthink it all. I don’t know.

[Sindy_0311]

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Personally, I was surprised by your reaction to that; I wound not have had the same reaction.

How would you have handled it? I’m not comfortable with him not being able to invite me over. So what was I supposed to do after discussing it with him? I broke up because we weren’t able to move at the same pace… 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Frankly I’m feeling frustrated…

About what though? You ended it.

@Kwothe28posted this earlier:

On 2/17/2024 at 6:03 AM, Kwothe28 said:

Are you sure you arent just scarred  because it was going good? Because it seems way too abrupt to go from something that went pretty good to just breaking up in a few days.

I had the same thought at first. Have you thought more about it? 

I have have actually done same, in fact, I almost ended it with my current boyfriend for this reason - fear.

You have been through A LOT and were hurt by the last guy. So if you were a little scared by where this relationship was goung, it's understandable imo. 

Just something to consider 

[Sindy_0311]

Of course there’s some fear involved, we are all humans, and that’s why we set boundaries; to avoid disappointments or being hurt. 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

About what though? You ended it.

I felt frustrated because I thought there was potential. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

How would you have handled it? I’m not comfortable with him not being able to invite me over. So what was I supposed to do after discussing it with him? I broke up because we weren’t able to move at the same pace… 

You did the right thing (for you), and I supported your decision.  

Me?  I would have taken into consideration our entire relationship up to that point, especially his caring nature towards me (you), his response to your insecurities, his sensitivity to those insecurities, and the efforts he made to plan thoughtful dates. 

I would have tried to understand he was not comfortable inviting you to his just yet, whether it was because of his children or whatever the reason, everyone feels differently about personal space. 

I know of a man who because of his kids, didn't invite his new girlfriend over for six months, when he was ready for her to meet them. He also had joint custody but kids pick up on things.

Everyone has a different response to when they're ready for certain things to occur. 

The friend I mentioned in my post?  Her boyfriend, now ex, was a sex addict! 

I'm sorry I posted that now.

 

[boltnrun]

I agree. Did this problem with him not having you over just occur to you or was it an ongoing issue for you? You went from telling us all the nice things he was saying and doing to ending it. It seemed awfully abrupt. 

And he is free to date whoever and however he wants after you ended the relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to tell him off. Was he supposed to pine? 

I'm legit confused.

[kim42]

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yes he is free of course. But i was a bit surprised to be honest. I dont know what he is about. He texted me this morning asking how my appointement to the doctor went. I didn’t reply. I told him the other day that I was moving on, so why is he still reaching out like if nothing happened. I don’t want to be rude either by blocking him right away. But I guess I will have to do it if he reaches out again. 
im always curious about people’s behaviors, and why they act the way they do.

I don't think it's that unusual if a man reaches out after you decide to end things. It has happened to me several times. Maybe he was hoping you've changed your mind or simply wanted to know how you're doing health-wise, given your recent accident. He seems like a caring person so it doesn't surprise me that he sent you that message.

If you feel that blocking him will give you peace, then do it.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I didn’t send him the text. Didn’t send anything since I wished him well on Saturday. 

That's good. You can just ignore him.  Although his text seems caring and following up on your accident, if you ended things, let them end. It's always better to cut your losses sooner rather than later when you notice red flags such as being banned from someone's home. Try not to react or respond. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's always better to cut your losses sooner rather than later when you notice red flags such as being banned from someone's home.

Sindy, did he actually "ban" you from his home?

Apologies if I missed that, seems harsh. 

If so, then agree with Wiseman.

I thought he simply wasn't comfortable yet due to his kids. 

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy, did he actually "ban" you from his home?

Apologies if I missed that, seems harsh. 

If so, then agree with Wiseman.

I thought he simply wasn't comfortable yet due to his kids. 

He didn’t ban me. He said his 13 years old daughter is having some difficulties staying at her moms because she argues a lot with her stepfather. And therefore she was coming more often. He also said that since I live next to were he works it makes it easier to see each other. Would I live in his city (40 minutes drive) he would have to forbid his daughter to come home somedays. 
i brought it up once 2 weeks ago when he sent me photos of his laptop and all his gaming tools, I told him I would enjoy  visiting his place. 
he only sleeped once in my bed and we don’t see each other often during weekends because he is with his daughter. (We only spent one weekend together) we have been dating since 2nd of January, not 9 weeks… (I previously corrected it) 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. He also said that since I live next to were he works it makes it easier to see each other. 

You made the right decision ending things. Being "convenient" to his work is another red flag.

Try to made a rule for yourself: that if you host it man, next time it's his turn. It's that simple. Never accept imbalanced situations. Please never accept men who want to drop by like stray cats whenever convenient but won't invite you to their homes. 

The reason doesn't matter since you're both single parents and both need to make appropriate childcare arrangements in order to date. 

[Sindy_0311]

In fact I think HE should change his mind and arrange for me to come over someday, even a few hours, if really he wants to pursue this 

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being "convenient" to his work is another red flag.

He also came a few times when he wasn’t working, BUT why wasn’t he staying the night on work days. His work place is 10 minutes away from my place.