Reasons to Stay Single...

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi guys, I'm having a lazy day and doing a lot of reading and came across an article from a website (legit site).

One of the reasons is 'You value your mental and physical health."  Lol

I suppose we could read a whole lot into that one! 😀 

The implication being relationships can cause anxiety, stress, frustration, anger, disappointment while also providing joy, safety, peace, a sense of connection and happiness. Among other things on both sides. 

The reason the article stated was:

Turns out: people like you, who make being physically and mentally healthy a high priority in their lives won’t turn their attention to other areas of life such as romantic relationships until these essentials are met and maintained according to a recent study.

P.S. I'm feeling a bit philosophical today and have many different thoughts whirling around, this is just one.

Worth discussing?  

Thanks!  

 

 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

What are the essentials to be met ? What criteria are they using ? I am not understanding the question. 

[Lambert]

Are you saying healthy people look for healthy people?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

What are the essentials to be met ? What criteria are they using ? I am not understanding the question. 

Not sure..  It was an article written by a woman Cat Harper on January 13th this year.

Cat Harper

Cat is an experienced Sales and Enablement professional turned writer whose passions span from psychology and relationships to continuous self-improvement, lifelong learning and pushing back on societal expectations to forge a life she loves. An avid traveler and adventure sports enthusiast, in her downtime you'll find Cat snowboarding, motorcycling or working on her latest self-development project.

If you or anyone is interested I can link the article, I just thought that particular reason was interesting as it resonates with me personally.

My emotions tend to be a bit all over the place when I enter into a relationship.  Getting them to remain stable is a work in progress. 

[Seraphim]

Okay, I am not so much interested in her bio , paraphrase the article. Break it down to the nitty gritty . 

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Are you saying healthy people look for healthy people?

No, I'm not saying anything about that.  I consider myself emotionally "healthy" but yet my own emotions tend to fluctuate when in a relationship.  Nothing horrible I do a good job of managing it.

Highs/lows, ups/downs, joyful/sadness, etc depending on what's happening in the relationship which is ever-changing (in my experience) especially early stages which is where I am now with new man I'm dating (just shy of two months). 

Again, I thought the one reason I mentioned (there were 9 reasons given) would be an interesting discussion and wonder if others experience the same in their relationships.

And if being single where these fluctuations don't occur is a more peaceful place for them emotionally.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

What are the essentials to be met ? What criteria are they using ? I am not understanding the question. 

Sorry @Seraphim , below are the essentials to be met pertaining to that one reason (there were 9 reasons given) for remaining single according to the article (you value your mental and physical health).  It's pretty basic, doesn't really get into much. 

This thread was more my personal take on it based on my experience and asking if others felt the same.

____

>>In looking after physical and mental health important to you?

You enjoy working out and have incorporated it into your daily routine. You make time for self-care such as journaling and meditation too. These things are not nice to have for you but must-haves.

Turns out: people like you, who make being physically and mentally healthy a high priority in their lives won’t turn their attention to other areas of life such as romantic relationships until these essentials are met and maintained according to a recent study.

As we all know, good physical and mental health are already known to improve happiness and satisfaction. Being able to focus time on these things, adds to your ability to enjoy single life.<<

 

[Seraphim]

Oh ok. So it is more or less her point of view ? 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Oh ok. So it is more or less her point of view ? 

Yes.  Do you have any thoughts about it and about my take on it?

I know you've been married 30 years so would be especially interested in your opinion, and if you experience the peaks and valleys and how you deal with the valleys?

 

[Seraphim]

Every single relationship in the world no matter what it is has its ups and downs. 
The valleys , I would say just to understand there is going to be ups and downs and that it is normal. Having a valley episode shouldn’t be so monumental that it means disaster or to force disaster . Just ride it out . Life changes all the time. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Every single relationship in the world no matter what it is has its ups and downs. 
The valleys , I would say just to understand there is going to be ups and downs and that it is normal. Having a valley episode shouldn’t be so monumental that it means disaster or to force disaster . Just ride it out . Life changes all the time. 

Thank you so much, and that's what I do or try to do - "ride it out."  I do yoga and sometimes meditate to remain calm. 

Anyway, he will be here in a few and I'm sure when I see him everything will be fine.

It's just that we're at this "in between" stage (not casual but not serious) and we haven't discussed being exclusive.

It's so funny I'm always screaming about how I 'embrace uncertainty' blah blah LOL.

But I'm very into this man so not embracing it so much now..

Anyway, thanks again and congrats on 30 years married!  💛

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One of the reasons is 'You value your mental and physical health."  

It seems like the butterflies are making you Google all sorts of stuff. Enjoy the date!

[Coily]

From that snippet, my first reaction is: Sounds like they are writing from kind of a selfish point of view. They are only focused on what they get from working out or mental health; rather than seeing a relationship as being added value in the long run.

That point i find unsettling.

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you so much, and that's what I do or try to do - "ride it out."  I do yoga and sometimes meditate to remain calm. 

Anyway, he will be here in a few and I'm sure when I see him everything will be fine.

It's just that we're at this "in between" stage (not casual but not serious) and we haven't discussed being exclusive.

It's so funny I'm always screaming about how I 'embrace uncertainty' blah blah LOL.

But I'm very into this man so not embracing it so much now..

Anyway, thanks again and congrats on 30 years married!  💛

Thanks . Have a good date . 

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

From that snippet, my first reaction is: Sounds like they are writing from kind of a selfish point of view. They are only focused on what they get from working out or mental health; rather than seeing a relationship as being added value in the long run.

That point i find unsettling.

Agreed. I think it is more written by a person who doesn’t want a relationship and finds them cumbersome. 

[waffle]

There are advantages to both.  Advantages to being single and advantages to being coupled-up.  For example, for me, one advantage to being single is that I can watch TV in my bed at 3;00 a.m. if I want, and/or I can have a bowl of cereal for dinner if I want and don't have to worry about making sure someone else is fed and consider what it is that they want, etc.  Advantages to being coupled can include financial (an extra income), companionship, help getting stuff down from the top shelf, lifting and carrying heavy things, stuff like that.

That's how I look at it.  I don't really subscribe to all the other hooey.

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, waffle said:

There are advantages to both.  Advantages to being single and advantages to being coupled-up.  For example, for me, one advantage to being single is that I can watch TV in my bed at 3;00 a.m. if I want, and/or I can have a bowl of cereal for dinner if I want and don't have to worry about making sure someone else is fed and consider what it is that they want, etc.  Advantages to being coupled can include financial (an extra income), companionship, help getting stuff down from the top shelf, lifting and carrying heavy things, stuff like that.

That's how I look at it.  I don't really subscribe to all the other hooey.

Agreed there are advantages to both . 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Turns out: people like you, who make being physically and mentally healthy a high priority in their lives won’t turn their attention to other areas of life such as romantic relationships until these essentials are met and maintained according to a recent study.

I haven't read the full article, but I've got a thought based off of the highlighted section. It makes sense to stay single until you are physically and (especially) mentally healthy. If you are struggling to take care of yourself, you won't be in the position to really care for and commit to the other person. You're unhappiness with yourself will find ways to manifest in the relationship. You could become dependent on the other person to make you happy, thus placing an unfair burden on them. Or you could unfairly blame them for your own issues. Hurt people, hurt people. Far too many relationships are between damaged people who didn't take the time to heal themselves. The relationship becomes an exercise in pointless drama and no one wins.

I don't think you should be in a relationship until you are first comfortable with yourself and are happy alone. Once you are, you can approach any relationship with a clearer understanding of all it entails, the good and bad. That's not saying you have to be perfect or work through everything beforehand. There will always be things you can work on to improve yourself. But you should try to be free of most baggage, or at least working on it.

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I consider myself emotionally "healthy" but yet my own emotions tend to fluctuate when in a relationship. 

Relationships are full of fluctuations. I agree, ride it out. Go with what you are feeling and if something comes up, talk about it together. If you work together, you should be able to handle most things no problem. And remember, the deep lows can often make the highs that much sweeter.

[BeaTlesFan77]

As I like to say, it's a double-edged sword.  It's great to have that independence where you can do what you want for as long as you want, eat what you want whenever, go out as you please, etc.  However, at the same time, it's great to have that companionship, touch, and someone to talk to. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Reasons to Stay Single

You can fart without anyone getting upset, but there must be better reasons? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

The issue is that how people have relationships is “wrong.”  Meaning, instead of actually relating to people in healthy autonomous ways, it seems to me that people use romantic relationships as a receptacle for their bs unhealed trauma. They imbue a lot of fantasy onto their partner as well, which causes grief, anxiety, and general unhappiness when the partner doesn’t live up to the fantasy. Then there’s the people who further burden their partners with being responsible for their well-being and happiness, which isn’t fair to put onto someone else.  The list goes on. All of these are unmet needs that people seem to take no personal responsibility for and presume it’s the responsibility of other. They haven’t learned how to be alone. 
 

People who have found out how to be secure in their own solitude, happy with their own company, are less likely to approach relationships that way.. as if they’re a necessity. These people are more likely to only allow assets into their lives as they’ve figured out how to meet their own needs.  so yes people with these traits are more likely to be happy single, if all relationships are offering them is an added burden. 
 

the majority of my friends are single, by choice, and they all share these similar traits: successful, driven, happy to be in their own company, mental-health minded, etc   They’re not sitting around thinking about how they need someone to be whole, or to make them happy, or to feel a sense of fulfillment, they already have that through community and purpose. They’re not going to put up with a dysfunctional relationship, why trade a happy fulfilling life for some needy toxic bs? 

[yogacat]

It seems like you have a desire for marriage, having been engaged twice, married, and divorced within a short span of time. It may be important for you to take things slow with this new person and really get to know each other before making any big decisions. This will give you time to determine if you are truly compatible and if this is the right path for you.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The implication being relationships can cause anxiety, stress, frustration, anger, disappointment

Being single brings on the same feelings for many people, too. 

The premise of the article/snippet is silly. Both single and coupled folks can experience highs and lows as a result of their relationship status. For some, being single is thoroughly enjoyable and for others it is a sad and lonely place. And for some, having a partner is wonderful and positive while for others it can feel suffocating and boring and create more problems. There are pros and cons on both sides, and it varies so much depending on the indivdual. 

The author significantly over-simplifies the issue, in other words. 

[kim42]

For me the good thing about being single right now is that I can fully enjoy my routine and don't have to take into consideration someone else and what they want to do.

I have an activity almost every evening after work (dance class, language class) or I go out with my friends.

Sure, there are moments I feel lonely but right now I think I'm sort of protective of my happiness and this routine that I've built.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi guys, I'm having a lazy day and doing a lot of reading and came across an article from a website (legit site).

One of the reasons is 'You value your mental and physical health."  Lol

I suppose we could read a whole lot into that one! 😀 

The implication being relationships can cause anxiety, stress, frustration, anger, disappointment while also providing joy, safety, peace, a sense of connection and happiness. Among other things on both sides. 

The reason the article stated was:

Turns out: people like you, who make being physically and mentally healthy a high priority in their lives won’t turn their attention to other areas of life such as romantic relationships until these essentials are met and maintained according to a recent study.

P.S. I'm feeling a bit philosophical today and have many different thoughts whirling around, this is just one.

Worth discussing?  

Thanks!  

 

 

 

 

 

I always considered myself single when I wasn't engaged or married.  If I was exclusively dating someone that meant I wasn't going to date anyone else or try to and I was a single woman.  I disagree with that statement and to me it's ridiculously broad with all sorts of assumptions. 

I find marriage a lot more freeing than being single. I think my husband is healthier physically because he's married and married to me.  I see where I inspire him (he does this on his own -no I don't nag!) to make healthier choices and I do things like have healthful foods available which for him personally improves his physical health. 

I find being a parent a restriction on many of my freedoms which I am happy to sacrifice for the blessing and joy of being a parent. But marriage is freeing!  I don't have to worry about meeting someone suitable to marry and work on that even when I don't feel like it, it's easier to be married than single as far as moving about in the world and having common ground with others, I married a person who likes that I am independent, likes that I like to work, basically understands my post-birth need for space the last 15 years or so, and who saved my life basically when I had a postpartum stroke - I mean what if I'd had a baby on my own as I'd considered -as a single woman and not had someone there to recognize signs of a stroke -I didn't - so that's a stark example of how my physical health -my life -is greatly improved because he was there to take action and make sure I got to the ER.  That quote is one of those pie in the sky fluffy abstract health things but let's get down to the nitty gritty -my husband was there to make sure I got treated. 

Many new moms who are single (whether by choice or otherwise) might have been all alone with their 12 day old infant or with a friend or neighbor who wasn't as invested in her well being.

That quote is about being single -single people have kids.  A romantic partner who interacts in a healthful way often is a tremendous asset to the family even if he is not the bio dad.  Single people have aging parents. A romantic partner can be a tremendous asset there too. Aging parents can be a tremendous stress on a single person and it's anyone's guess whether there will be a "village" of friends (or siblings if there are siblings) to assist - I was a tremendous asset to my husband and he to me in those situations and for months and years.  

I don't know of many people who don't make being physically and mentally healthy a high priority -I mean it's basic common sense survival -the problem is how do you define it? Sure if you define it in some lofty abstract terms mentally - attaining "full" self sufficiency, security, never feeling panicky or anxious -that's one "definition" - so it depends.

Physically - it's also a range.  I know of people like me who likely will need meds to manage stuff later in life (physically) and I know of people who make mental health a priority by drinking lots of alcohol and/or smoking lots of weed or drinking tons of coffee/energy drinks/spending $$$$ on all sorts of fancy supplements while living with parents who don't charge them rent -they feel much better mentally apparently -they are also making mental health a priority.  

I know of people who make physical and mental health such a high priority that they are single because they are just too high maintenance to interact with - they can't see you because they have this or that 3 hour workout with their personal trainer at a boot camp gym, or another 3 day yoga retreat after which they will be home detoxing for another 3 days (LOL) they will go only to a specific inconvenient restaurant because of their choice to eat very restrictively and "cannot" eat before, etc.  They won't hesitate to judge your choices either -they are making their own health a priority for sure.  

I had to become the right person to find the right person -as Woody Allen said sort of - two people whose neuroses complement each other lol.  He recognized -as do I -that prioritizing mental and physical health is always a thing and very very often a work in progress with regressions too.  

My mom is in her late 80s and has been widowed about 7 years after a 60 plus year marriage. One reason she is physically and mentally healthy is because she is constantly with her friends. She lives where I grew up and now it's an older community with tons of free classes - exercise, nutrition, field trips, conversation groups, book club.  She then meets one or two of her BFFs for walks.  One of her friends is turning 100. 

No she's not romantically involved at all (although she swore to me 6 years ago that a TSA agent at the airport flirted with her lol), but absolutely 100% if she wasn't closely connected to these (mostly) women I would be very worried about her - their close connection keeps her healthy, inspires her, keeps her vital. 

Again I get it -she is single these are not romantic but overall - it's very very similar in how these connections work.  She even had a falling out with one woman -it was very stressful as this woman was also her ride to a weekly event she enjoyed - and the woman was mean to her -it was frustrating.  But my mom would never decide that the stress of crap like that means she shouldn't pursue strong and deep connections. 

No they don't live with her but because they are elderly she often has knocks on her door where they ask for her help, they ask for her to store their food for them in her fridge and on and on.  There are similarities and my elderly mother puts in the efforts because the relationships are worth it, while she highly prioritizes her physical and mental health. She's a dynamo and a bad a__ woman for sure.