LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

 I mentioned I did that too, (focusing only on Ms. Sniffles...even with the assumption she were most likely kissing John, Jake and Joe too, 

You're fine whether you date one person at a time or have a bunch of chats and meets going on. Have you rescheduled? Unfortunately this situation seems like trying to get a 747 off the ground with AA batteries. 

[RN4L_1969]

On 2/9/2024 at 7:38 AM, Andrina said:

I did OLD in the past, and was all for multi-dating when it was just those one or two dates with each. But when it got to the point I liked someone so much that we were making out, going on dates with anyone else stopped. I preferred dating men who were on the same page, and if they weren't, I no longer dated them. I liked the idea of focusing on one person without the distraction of others, even if on the fourth or fifth date it ended. I didn't expect forever because that of course is unknown at that early point. But it was in my comfort zone to not be making out with John and then the next day he had a date with Sue who he was also making out with. Not for me.

Yes...pretty much what I'm leaning towards...

But as far as him having a date with Sue and making out with...you would never know...

[RN4L_1969]

On 2/8/2024 at 11:02 AM, Starlight925 said:

I've loved reading your thread, and I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on both bolded points!  😄

This was not time wasted.  Time wasted would have been if she had lied to you, if she had stood you up and you continued to try, etc.  

You gave this an honest effort, with honest feelings, and that is time well spent.

I also think you didn't lose out by focusing on one person, as you could have had multiple dates going, and it would have taken you longer to figure out that Ms. Sniffles isn't the one.

I do believe we have to have some sort of chemistry, attraction, that thought of when will we kiss?  Or holding hands gives you an electrical charge.  This was lackluster, it lacked the energy you are looking for.  No shame in that.

 

You are correct in this and I was so focusing too much on the disappointment that I neglected to reflect on my own feeling "at the time", which was enjoy the moment. Amazing how fast that gets lost when in the overall picture it didn't work out, and now 2 people are somewhat negatively changed, (even to the smallest degree), from the brief experience...

Than you for reminding me to look at the positive in this... 🙂

 

[RN4L_1969]

On 2/8/2024 at 12:11 PM, Batya33 said:

As I’ve written I would have missed out on my husband if I’d said no to meeting him for a platonic dinner because I was dating someone - had been out a few times and yes it was platonic the first time - and also the second time - but second time was Saturday night dinner and theater. Had I been only dating one person at a time meeting a man for that sort of evening would have at least an  inappropriate. 

This is what I hope doesn't happen to me, hence why I'm now keeping my options open...And I agree, after 'x' amount of dates with someone in particular where there's everything, (fireworks, vibe, connection, chemistry, etc...), then all else gets cancelled and dropped...and it's just that person...agree.

[RN4L_1969]

On 2/9/2024 at 8:03 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Of course you want someone you're attracted to, but unicorns and seashells is simply avoiding dating and looking for unrealistic highs to jump-start yourself and your loneliness. Almost like looking for princess charming to carry you away from your life in a magical coach. 

Expound on this? 

Why can't I want the best for myself?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Expound on this? 

Why can't I want the best for myself?

Everyone should -no one should settle.  Sometimes we have to reevaluate what is "best" and whether what we think is best is really just an old tape playing in our heads and not really what is "best".

[RN4L_1969]

On 2/9/2024 at 8:38 AM, reinventmyself said:

But I can't help but wonder if this is a defense mechanism on your part. 

That's a good perception. And probably so since I've been hurt way too many times in the past, (and not necessarily the divorces, although of course those were painful in their own way and at a different level), but it's the back and forth of dating. The disappointments, frustrations, lies, deceptions, fakes, etc...that all go along with OLD. And I get that, and I put myself out there every time knowing this. But after each and every failed attempt at a healthy relationship, (it could be a million different factors), my invisible barrier seems to get re-enforced? And this is not even thought/done on purpose...like you said - "defense mechanism" - and what worries me about that is that I could be "defending myself to a point where I literally "lose" someone that is meant for me. (A different subject all together, but I do believe everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be, then it will reveal itself...no matter how much I may screw it up...BUT, that's a huge risk to take)

[RN4L_1969]

21 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@RN4L_1969I think what @Andrinawas referring to and I'm the same is we make the decision to focus on one at a time, when it's obvious there is a mutual spark and something is definitely happening between us. 

Often for me (and him), that happened on first date. It's an energy, a chemistry that again is obvious!  To both of us! 

It doesn't happen often but when it did, that is when the focus changes and you choose to focus on only each other to see where it will lead. 

In your case, that energy/chemistry, "spark" was not there, it was never there, mutual or otherwise from what you've posted. 

So imo it was a mistake to focus on just her.  SHE wasn't focused on just you, so it was unbalanced.

I believe in multi-dating until you meet that special someone with whom you feel a mutual chemistry and spark. 

For me, once that happens I have no desire to meet anyone else.  I focus on just us to see where it will lead, if anywhere.

May last a week, a month, a year, 20 years, for me there is no point in tossing others in the mix when I'm clear about my own feelings and his as well, typically.

As 'genuine' chemistry between two people (beyond the superficial) is typically mutual imo and experience.  And quite obvious to both of us when it happens.

Try and detach from the outcome and enjoy the journey.  That was/is always my motto.  Always.

Even with my boyfriend now and we have confirmed we are exclusive and pretty much always were, I still remain detached from the outcome - what will happen tomorrow or whenever.

We live in the present moment and are enjoying the journey, letting things develop organically in their natural course. 

Hope that makes sense! 

 

 

 

Yes for sure, and thank you for the context. But one question:

Even with my boyfriend now and we have confirmed we are exclusive and pretty much always were, I still remain detached from the outcome - what will happen tomorrow or whenever.

Why on this? I know "guys" have been know to separate their emotions from their feelings, is this what you're saying or...? Curious....

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Yes for sure, and thank you for the context. But one question:

Even with my boyfriend now and we have confirmed we are exclusive and pretty much always were, I still remain detached from the outcome - what will happen tomorrow or whenever.

Why on this? I know "guys" have been know to separate their emotions from their feelings, is this what you're saying or...? Curious....

 

I read this as meaning she of course is emotionally involved -in the moment - if tomorrow he no longer wants to be with her then - fine -she'll cherish the memories, the past emotions and be able to move on easier given her goal and practice of detachment.  That's how I see her approach (it's not mine but that's how I understood her approach).

I think many people can separate emotions from an emotional experience as needed -I've had to do that many many times as a parent - be stoic/fake it till you make it. It's so hard but it's essential to be a good parent in certain specific situations.  By contrast I always knew I would get emotionally attached by having sex so I never had casual sex.  I know my limits.

[RN4L_1969]

22 hours ago, catfeeder said:

There are no judges or juries in our love lives, so there are no 'shoulds'. Gone are the days of high school friends who try to talk us into 'liking' someone they'd prefer for us. Nobody else gets a vote. It's all subjective, so skip the committees and just keep meeting the nice people until you strike simpatico. EnjOy!

This needs to be a post-it on my computer.........

[RN4L_1969]

22 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

They can even get married but that feeling that something is missing is still there.

How very true....and how very sad 😞

[Starlight925]

Any updates on Ms. Sniffles?  Have you two texted, or are you both letting it evaporate? 

[RN4L_1969]

21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

A split down the middle would be 'meeting' multiple people over coffee to learn which one you'd like to date to get to know better. Yet, you can continue to keep meeting people--what's a quick coffee now and then?

This way, if that person doesn't work out after a date or two, you may have already met the next person you'd want to ask out, OR, you may meet them the next day or week because you keep setting up meets.

And yes, the reverse could also be true. You could meet a second person you'd like to date while you're still dating the first. Then you can cross that bridge IF you ever come to it. (Sounds like an okay problem to have.)

I wish I had that problem of setting up meets one after another, lol...I have to get the replies/interest 1st to do that since I'm lucky to get 1-2/week haha...

But this is a perfect approach - and yes, coffee at first, not El Gaucho 😆

[RN4L_1969]

53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Everyone should -no one should settle.  Sometimes we have to reevaluate what is "best" and whether what we think is best is really just an old tape playing in our heads and not really what is "best".

Got it....

[RN4L_1969]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I read this as meaning she of course is emotionally involved -in the moment - if tomorrow he no longer wants to be with her then - fine -she'll cherish the memories, the past emotions and be able to move on easier given her goal and practice of detachment.  That's how I see her approach (it's not mine but that's how I understood her approach).

I think many people can separate emotions from an emotional experience as needed -I've had to do that many many times as a parent - be stoic/fake it till you make it. It's so hard but it's essential to be a good parent in certain specific situations.  By contrast I always knew I would get emotionally attached by having sex so I never had casual sex.  I know my limits.

Yea that's definitely NOT me! As a parent, yes of course, agree; but when it comes to dating and connecting with someone, and there's obvious chemistry between us, everything from a "how's your day" message to the sex you think about during the work day that's distracting you, I tend to latch on and get emotionally involved. The last time I had this was with my ..., yes you know, my xgf... 

And to put it in further context, it took me 2 years to finally settle within myself in my divorce with my x-wife. Even though we are still very good friends and have a "different" love for each other now, we're like best friends and always "run by  each other" the new person in our lives...we have fun...

[RN4L_1969]

Update on Ms. Sniffles:, (yea she gets the red bolded color)

So pretty much what I figured. No mention of another date. I'm not bummed, more kind of quizzical, again, trying to figure out what goes on in that "mind", (and not necessarily her), with women in similar situations.

Meaning yes, there was never a spark; but there was enough interest to keep us going. I felt it was on her to setup/ask or arrange the next date...it was her who cancelled the day of our date and asked for the raincheck right? Even with several texts going back and forth, seeing if she'll ask about another date, well it never came, (and yes I know...why do that OP if you're not 100% interested in her? And there's no spark?). Well, honestly, it would be nice to keep her as a friend. There may not be a romantic vibe at all, but we have enough in common and get along where it would be nice to stay in touch once in a while and be friends.

But I think that's even out the door now...and now I have a little bit of a bitter taste in my mouth about her not even reaching out, not necessarily for another date, but just in general. Now she still might, she knows I'm headed out of town tomorrow, so she still might, but I'm not holding my breath...

 I've already moved on...I'm in the Matrix again...

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Yes for sure, and thank you for the context. But one question:

Even with my boyfriend now and we have confirmed we are exclusive and pretty much always were, I still remain detached from the outcome - what will happen tomorrow or whenever.

Why on this? I know "guys" have been know to separate their emotio from their feelings, is this what you're saying or...? Curious....

I think I've explained before but for me, for us in this case because we're on the same wavelength about it, we live in the present.  We enjoy the present, and appreciate the journey to wherever the universe takes us, as hokey as that might sound to some. 

JMO, but If you're secure within yourself and each other and your mutual connection/relationship, why  worry about tomorrow or next week, next year, 20 years?

Anything can happen, literally, even when a couple has the best intentions going in.

There are no guarantees, ever.  I've always known that but the ending of my marriage confirmed it.

That's not to say we can't plan a vacation or future activities etc but such talks about where we will be as a couple in five or however many years, I don't understand the point of those types of future discussions.

My marriage ended after one year due to a series of losses I experienced and as a newly-married couple, were too difficult to cope with despite our commitment.

In a relationship you discussed, your mutual feelings were quite intense but everything fell apart after six months.

So in my mind, what was the point of discussing the future early in or ever?  To seek momentary reassurance?

This is NOT a judgment I promise, it's a genuine question. Or a rhetorical question.

Again literally anything can happen...So I (we) live in the moment, love and cherish each other, experience life together, grow and evolve together remaining detached from what will happen down the road.

BTW, I know my attitude is NOT the norm but it's pretty much how I have viewed relationships ever since I began having them.

Not sure why, probably has something to do with my parents stifling marriage, the environment I was raised in where the divorce rate was like 75% percent, and even when not divorced, infidelity ran rampant and/or the marriage was unhappy.

And this was upper middle class suburban NY! 

I was always very observant as a kid and now as an adult, I don't miss a trick.

I also practice a form of eastern philosophy/religion where what I believe in - detachment and the like - are embraced.

If not for you or others which it's not typically, I totally respect that! 😀

Hope that clarifies.

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

So, @rainbowsandroses, let's say you and your current guy just spent a terrific weekend together, did some fun activities, had great sex and great conversation...and tomorrow he tells you he's decided he's going to date someone else, thanks for the fun, have a nice life!  And you'd be totally Zen with that?  No hurt feelings at all?

Not challenging you, just curious.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So, @rainbowsandroses, let's say you and your current guy just spent a terrific weekend together, did some fun activities, had great sex and great conversation...and tomorrow he tells you he's decided he's going to date someone else, thanks for the fun, have a nice life!  And you'd be totally Zen with that?  No hurt feelings at all?

Not challenging you, just curious.

IF that were to ever happen, which given the current state of our connection and relationship, I trust would not, BUT if it did, I never said I would be "Zen" with it, I'd be terribly hurt of course!  Shocked, devastated, the whole nine! 

But I'd deal with it then which is what I do when faced with any disappointment and hurt.  I deal with it. I'm pretty resilient and typically bounce back quick. 

On that same note, do you think having a conversation about the future would  prevent the scenario you just described from happening? 

I don't think so, people do what they want to do, which is why we see so much cheating and other types of deceptions in many relationships today, at least I do. 

You still must have faith and trust in each other, in your connection and relationship.  Choosing to embrace and live in the moment and not be overly concerned with (or wishing to discuss) what will happen "tomorrow" or where we will be down the road does NOT change that. 

Anyway I realize this attitude might be very difficult to understand for those couples with a more traditional view.

But a good place to start for anyone interested is a great little book called "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra.

It's a powerful book that will take you one hour or less to read, I practically have the entire book memorized! 

 

[Batya33]

42 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Update on Ms. Sniffles:, (yea she gets the red bolded color)

So pretty much what I figured. No mention of another date. I'm not bummed, more kind of quizzical, again, trying to figure out what goes on in that "mind", (and not necessarily her), with women in similar situations.

Meaning yes, there was never a spark; but there was enough interest to keep us going. I felt it was on her to setup/ask or arrange the next date...it was her who cancelled the day of our date and asked for the raincheck right? Even with several texts going back and forth, seeing if she'll ask about another date, well it never came, (and yes I know...why do that OP if you're not 100% interested in her? And there's no spark?). Well, honestly, it would be nice to keep her as a friend. There may not be a romantic vibe at all, but we have enough in common and get along where it would be nice to stay in touch once in a while and be friends.

But I think that's even out the door now...and now I have a little bit of a bitter taste in my mouth about her not even reaching out, not necessarily for another date, but just in general. Now she still might, she knows I'm headed out of town tomorrow, so she still might, but I'm not holding my breath...

 I've already moved on...I'm in the Matrix again...

Yes - so often people change their minds after a few dates and yes it was on her to reschedule! Stay in touch as friends if you're up for hearing about who she's dating!

I'm a fan of living in the present and having future goals in common despite no guarantees - I find it's a range - no guarantees depends on the specific situation - my marriage is solid so I live in the present and expect our marriage will remain solid while excepting obviously anything can happen.  I wouldn't have dated anyone who avoided making long term plans -whether relationship/job/financial because of some perceived inconsistency with living in the moment or because "no guarantees". 

I'm a planner.  It's served me so well. Despite experiencing that old saying "man plans and god laughs." With dating I lived in the moment -date to date -until we were exclusive.  Each date was the last unless there was another date planned.  That's how I managed my expectations.

[boltnrun]

Got it.  It was your use of the word "detachment" that piqued my curiosity initially.  Thanks for clarifying.

[yogacat]

There's no spark because she's not 100% interested.  If you weren't 100% interested then you wouldn't be here trying to rationalize your behaviours with feigned disappointed that she's not reaching out to you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Got it.  It was your use of the word "detachment" that piqued my curiosity initially.  Thanks for clarifying.

No worries,  And I do understand how the word "detachment" can be confusing even to the OP, who has stated he equates it, as many people do, with being detached from emotion or lack of emotion.

So not true!   

It simply means being detached from a particular "outcome"  (i.e where is this relationship going, where will we be next week, next year etc).

The feelings/emotions and level of commitment are the same as a more traditional mindset and being concerned about the future. 

Law of Detachment

Allow yourself and others the freedom to be who they are. Do not force solutions—allow solutions to spontaneously emerge. Uncertainty is essential, and your path to freedom. (Internal freedom).

It has many layers to it as do all the other spiritual laws referenced earlier, but that's it in a nutshell. 

[yogacat]

Living in the moment, while great in theory, is problematic because you are not assessing the potential long-term consequences of your actions. One can definitely get themselves in some sticky situations because they are overly focused on the short term.

This is especially important for making decisions regarding romantic prospects as there can be significant emotional impacts. I also agree with your point that, although these instinctual responses may seem natural, we still have the power to choose how we act on them. It's important to weigh the possible outcomes and make a decision that aligns with our values and goals.

I think fleeting perspective is fine in music, where you're listening to something fleeting, rather than in something like eating, where you shouldn't necessarily be thinking past, "This tastes great" (and then you can think about it later). In romance, the fact that you can't fully reconcile the amount in resources you're putting into someone with the possibility that they could leave at any moment (thereby, you still want to be careful with how much of your resources you put into anyone you're not married to) is just something you need to think through.

Next thing you know you're married after two months and 33 year miserable marriage and five kids, all the while just bored or generally not fulfilled, enough to get to thinking, "Would marriage have been better if I waited longer for someone else who seemed less likely to leave me? In the end, is my heart now just *telling* me, 'You should have looked around more.'"

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I wish I had that problem of setting up meets one after another, lol...I have to get the replies/interest 1st to do that since I'm lucky to get 1-2/week haha...

But this is a perfect approach - and yes, coffee at first, not El Gaucho 😆

Sure! No need to overspend on the dice rolls of meeting strangers. They each share your goal of screening out wrong matches in favor of finding simpatico. So grand impressions don’t belong in this context. Either someone resonates with you, or not, and it’s important to get comfortable with the natural odds that most people will NOT.

This is true for everyone. It’s the reason why you may adore every acquaintance you’ve made over time, but you’ve only bonded into a close friendship with a fraction of those.

Same is true of screening for dating. Either the two of you share the capacity to view one another through the right lens, or not. It makes no sense to try to force a fit otherwise, no matter how great a person may be outside the context of romantic partner. So rejection boils down to two equally valid puzzle pieces that don’t fit together. Allow those to pass early to move your focus onto the next possibility.

Head high.