Should I give a woman my number in public if there's an indication of interest?

[yogacat]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Nothing new under the sun.  Sometimes it's harder to do the appropriate thing.  Sometimes it's harder to put in the effort to empathize, to broaden a perspective, to see things from someone else's point of view.  Oh well - people who care about themselves and others and their community and maybe even the world- find a way either to understand or if you "can't" then at least fake it till you make it -keep your mouth closed instead of catcalling a woman or cold approaching to compliment her looks and stare - and faking it till you make it at least goes part way and may actually absorb into something genuine.  

I feel valued for my accomplishments.  But my definition of accomplishments is broad and not stereotypical.  I liked being complimented when I was pregnant - by my female colleagues actually -I was the only one in the office at that time and I liked how they cared about how I was feeling and complimented my glow, the cute belly, etc.  I wouldn't have liked male attention for the most part about that.  I have a number of women friends who regularly post photos of themselves -ranging from conservative to not so much and they bask in the likes and the accolades.  I personally don't relate and I find it a little cringey.  I don't relate to the assumptions that all compliments are created equal and all good. Nope not IMHO.

 

This is what I was alluding to. It's so much easier to just appreciate the compliment rather than look for sexism in everything. But, yeah, if what you mentioned there is true, I get why men are reluctant to provide compliments.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Everyone’s a stranger until you get to know ‘em! 
 

x

That's true!

I was followed by a man several times (different man each time) and it was always uncomfortable.

One of these guys followed me for several minutes to ask for my phone number, and when I refused, he started to convince me to give him a chance. Maybe some women enjoy this attention, I certainly don't. I come from a country where we rarely interact with strangers on a street so I prefer to meet men in a different way :)

[MrMan1983]

11 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I got the impression we’re talking about regular guys, at appropriate settings, approaching a woman they don’t know to compliment her and ask her out?

Same, that’s what I gathered we were talking about too (cold approaches but polite ones) yet now it’s turned into stating the obvious “yeh but if he came up to me wearing a Freddie Kruger mask in a dark alley and said nice ass that would be inappropriate” or random examples of obviously inappropriate approaches 😂 Granted OPs “hey you’re hot” is ill advised but sure he’s got the memo.  

[mylolita]

I’m curious with the zero wanted approach from guys who you don’t know… where does that leave everyone?

 

I am thinking, dating sites? But you still don’t know them anyway! 
 

Through work, friends recommending and matching up? 
 

For the women who don’t think it is appropriate for a man who is a stranger to chat them up and ask them for a date, what are the alternative “acceptable” ways for men to meet women, romantically? 
 

By the way, I’m not for guys being pushy and stalking women. I totally think it’s admirable and highly romantic sometimes to give a genuine compliment and ask a stranger out. I think this is as old as time and definitely how my parents and me and my husband met. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it of course unless you feel unsafe. No one wants being pursued aggressively; but I didn’t think that needed to be stated, of course! I presumed that was obvious! 
 

The OP gave the woman a compliment like hot or something other related to appearance… to me; this is not the end of the world! 
 

Most people compliment on appearance I think because it is one of the first things we take in about someone. Personality and vibe comes minutes and hours after originally meeting and getting to talk to them. 
 

x

 

 

[mylolita]

2 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Same, that’s what I gathered we were talking about too (cold approaches but polite ones) yet now it’s turned into stating the obvious “yeh but if he came up to me wearing a Freddie Kruger mask in a dark alley and said nice ass that would be inappropriate” or random examples of obviously inappropriate approaches 😂 Granted OPs “hey you’re hot” is ill advised but sure he’s got the memo.  

Yes 🤣

 

I think an appearance based compliment once and then leaving vs a stalker and potential law violation are completely different things! 
 

In my books, anyway! 
 

I’m sorry, I feel I may have the men’s sympathy on this. I must add, as some strange but potentially important caveat, that I am a bi-sexual woman and have picked up women and flirted with women and even though I am not a man; and could never understand the male plight at this(!) I feel like, maybe through my slight Tom boy ways, I sympathise with the male perspective on this! From having been on the other end as well - LOL! Need I say more?! 
 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

I dated a man for several months who cold approached me at the supermarket.

He did not lead with a compliment, he made a comment about an item in my cart which prompted a very natural conversation about food and cooking.

We talked for around 15-20 minutes even after we were done checking out, everyone was staring lol but we were clicking and when out of the market, we exchanged numbers.

My current who I met in an elevator did not lead with a compliment either.  His dog was jumping on me and we began talking about dogs and he mentioned HH that evening and asked me to come, he'd buy me a drink. 

Come on guys, be creative!  Lol. 

Compliments are nice, I'm not offended by them, they just don't "move me" or incline me to want to talk further. 

JMO. 😀

 

[yogacat]

4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I think an appearance based compliment once and then leaving vs a stalker and potential law violation are completely different things! 

Agree.

What took me back was someone asked who I live with. That to me is more invasive and concerning versus someone going up to someone and saying they're hot.

If someone said that I am hot I wouldn't care. It might bother me a little, but not like living in a paranoid state like someone was stalking me or interested in me. When someone asks who I live with the first thing I would think is; “why are you interested in me? What motives do you have?”

Now, someone can go up to someone with the intentions of hooking up and picking someone up and take them home, but that doesn't happen all the time, I feel like most men are just trying to find a way to approach women they find attractive and they just need some guidance on it.

Everyone has different boundaries and comfort levels.

For me, being asked who I live with is much more invasive and concerning than being told I'm hot. It is a personal question that may imply that the person is interested in me in a more serious way, and it can also make me feel vulnerable and exposed.

On the other hand, being told I'm hot is more of a surface-level compliment and can be easily brushed off or accepted without feeling too uncomfortable.

Ultimately, it all depends on the context and delivery of the comment, but for me, being asked personal questions like who I live with would make me more cautious and guarded.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, kim42 said:

One of these guys followed me for several minutes to ask for my phone number, and when I refused, he started to convince me to give him a chance. Maybe some women enjoy this attention, I certainly don't

Trust your instincts. That was super creepy. 

[MrMan1983]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He did not lead with a compliment, he made a comment about an item in my cart which prompted a very natural conversation about food and cooking.

“That’s a cracking aubergine you’ve got there”

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

“That’s a cracking aubergine you’ve got there”

Haha, it was actually a type of alcohol not food and he was buying scotch, the type my dad drank.  That's how the conversation started anyway. 

I dunno, I prefer spontaneous approaches that happen naturally in natural settings. 

Not the guys who are out "hunting" on a Saturday afternoon calling every attractive woman they see "beautiful" or "hot", there's a distinct difference that any savvy woman who has experienced what I'm referring to understands :))

 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, yogacat said:

 

This is what I was alluding to. It's so much easier to just appreciate the compliment rather than look for sexism in everything. But, yeah, if what you mentioned there is true, I get why men are reluctant to provide compliments.

It's not about sexism for me at all.  To me it's inappropriate for a stranger to approach a woman walking on the street with "hi sexy" or hi beautiful.  And also inappropriate if genders reversed.

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Haha, it was actually a type of alcohol not food and he was buying scotch, the type my dad drank.  That's how the conversation started anyway. 

I dunno, I prefer spontaneous approaches that happen naturally in natural settings. 

Not the guys who are out "hunting" on a Saturday afternoon calling every attractive woman they see "beautiful" or "hot", there's a distinct difference and any savvy woman who has experienced what I'm referring knows. :))

 

May I ask why it didn’t work out with your scotch guy rainbows? 
 

The “chat up” or introductory line a guy uses is only such a small smidge of the whole parcel of course. Once you get into dating and relationships, you find out the whole picture. Making the correct judgement on a guy within the first 10 minutes to see if he’s worth spending time on and a real contender is what counts in my eyes! 
 

Getting to talk to them is the objection I think for most men - they just need something to introduce themselves and get chatting. The approaching is the hard and awkward part for most. I think most guys are simply trying their best, and the hard bit is simply getting the courage to go over there and make the move. I can imagine it’s very nerve racking.

 

When my husband “cold approached” me and told me he liked my hair, we then chatted about him being a drummer and music - I was mixing cocktails behind a bar at the time and I made a joke about his chipped tooth and called it cute. He’d lost it boxing and he has both his front teeth capped now. Anyway, the “superficial” line was genuine on his part, he really did like my hair! (I’m a redhead!) - but then once we got talking there was so much more! 

I think most guys just want and use a line or comment or compliment to simply get a convo going! 
 

I don’t think the focus on the line or sentence they use is that important. I get the hot thing, it’s a little flat and forward. Never been called hot in my life so I wouldn’t know 🤣 never had to be offended or eye rolled at that one ha! 
 

But yes! How to start a conversation with a complete stranger! It’s not easy.

 

x

 

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, kim42 said:

That's true!

I was followed by a man several times (different man each time) and it was always uncomfortable.

One of these guys followed me for several minutes to ask for my phone number, and when I refused, he started to convince me to give him a chance. Maybe some women enjoy this attention, I certainly don't. I come from a country where we rarely interact with strangers on a street so I prefer to meet men in a different way 🙂

It depends in what context the stranger approaches. I started chatting with my new neighbor in the hallway a couple days ago -complete stranger.  I've had men in the fitness room in my building greet me or ask me a question -totally fine.  And meeting strangers in certain contexts means you know more about them  than a cold approach on the street. 

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not about sexism for me at all.  To me it's inappropriate for a stranger to approach a woman walking on the street with "hi sexy" or hi beautiful.  And also inappropriate if genders reversed.

I am not talking about a scenario where there are construction workers and construction materials around and guys cat calls a woman in full formal clothing from car or something. I am talking about a man that finds a woman beautiful in a surprise interaction and says "hi beautiful" once.

I understand that some women may find this uncomfortable and intimidating, but I also think it depends on the situation and the approach of the man. You've reduced the interaction to just "finding someone attractive" but it's not just about finding someone attractive, it's about the approach and the context. If a man approaches a woman in a respectful and non-threatening manner and expresses genuine interest or compliments her, that can be seen as a friendly and harmless interaction.

What are you judging the interaction based on? Are you assuming that the man is only approaching the woman because he finds her physically attractive and has no other intentions?

That is a stereotype and assumption that can be harmful and unfair to both men and women.

Everyone has the right to express themselves and interact with others, as long as it is done in a respectful and appropriate manner. We should not automatically see compliments or expressions of attraction as sexist or inappropriate, but rather consider the context and the intentions behind them.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, mylolita said:

May I ask why it didn’t work out with your scotch guy rainbows? 

It was several years ago but as I got to know him, he was quite rigid and demanding, he was also a marine biologist who lived on his boat.

At the time I was a free-spirited adventurer on her way to law school who wanted to 'change the world' 😆 and our lifestyles simply didn't mesh. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I am not talking about a scenario where there are construction workers and construction materials around and guys cat calls a woman in full formal clothing from car or something. I am talking about a man that finds a woman beautiful in a surprise interaction and says "hi beautiful" once.

I understand that some women may find this uncomfortable and intimidating, but I also think it depends on the situation and the approach of the man. You've reduced the interaction to just "finding someone attractive" but it's not just about finding someone attractive, it's about the approach and the context. If a man approaches a woman in a respectful and non-threatening manner and expresses genuine interest or compliments her, that can be seen as a friendly and harmless interaction.

What are you judging the interaction based on? Are you assuming that the man is only approaching the woman because he finds her physically attractive and has no other intentions?

That is a stereotype and assumption that can be harmful and unfair to both men and women.

Everyone has the right to express themselves and interact with others, as long as it is done in a respectful and appropriate manner. We should not automatically see compliments or expressions of attraction as sexist or inappropriate, but rather consider the context and the intentions behind them.

I’ve written what I mean above. Again and again. I don’t think it’s respectful for a stranger to approach a stranger of the opposite sex on the street and lead with a sexual comment or looks based compliment like hi sexy or you are hot or you are beautiful. That’s my opinion particularly in todays world and it’s far more of a safety concern for women than men with rare exception.

And yes I’ve been : sexually assaulted and harassed including by strangers. That’s not why I feel that way. I feel that way anyway. And I have good company with many many women I know and know of. I’m done because I’ve written again and again what I mean and I’m not a fan of being attacked as sexist or having my words exaggerated or taken completely out of context. 

[mylolita]

 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’ve written what I mean above. Again and again. I don’t think it’s respectful for a stranger to approach a stranger of the opposite sex on the street and lead with a sexual comment or looks based compliment like hi sexy or you are hot or you are beautiful. That’s my opinion particularly in todays world and it’s far more of a safety concern for women than men with rare exception.

And yes I’ve been : sexually assaulted and harassed including by strangers. That’s not why I feel that way. I feel that way anyway. And I have good company with many many women I know and know of. I’m done because I’ve written again and again what I mean and I’m not a fan of being attacked as sexist or having my words exaggerated or taken completely out of context. 

With respect Batya, this is your personal preference and opinion, but not all women’s view on this.

 

Some women, including myself, obviously don’t mind an appearance based compliment from a stranger. 
 

We can’t speak for all women. Some will find it border harassment, others just feel complimented even if they have no interest in the guy. It’s not the end of the world! 

My Mum and Dad met as strangers, so did all my Grandparents. So did me and my husband. I didn’t feel unsafe or belittled when he complimented me, so it’s obviously down to personal preference. There doesn’t seem to be a general “fits all” acceptable rule for this. 
 

x

[mylolita]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It was several years ago but as I got to know him, he was quite rigid and demanding, he was also a marine biologists who lived on his boat.

At the time I was a free-spirited adventurer on her way to law school who wanted to 'change the world' 😆 and we simply didn't mesh. 

Sounds like a cool guy 🤣

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Sounds like a cool guy 🤣

 

x

He was very cool just not for me, nor I for him as it goes both ways. 😀

[yogacat]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’ve written what I mean above. Again and again. I don’t think it’s respectful for a stranger to approach a stranger of the opposite sex on the street and lead with a sexual comment or looks based compliment like hi sexy or you are hot or you are beautiful. That’s my opinion particularly in todays world and it’s far more of a safety concern for women than men with rare exception.

And yes I’ve been : sexually assaulted and harassed including by strangers. That’s not why I feel that way. I feel that way anyway. And I have good company with many many women I know and know of. I’m done because I’ve written again and again what I mean and I’m not a fan of being attacked as sexist or having my words exaggerated or taken completely out of context. 

I'm sorry that you've been a victim of sexual assault and harassment; it is completely unacceptable and I hope that you are doing well and have found support and resources to cope and heal. It is understandable that these experiences may influence your perspective on how strangers should approach others. It is also valid for you to have an opinion on what respect means to you in terms of interactions with others.

However, I do want to clarify that the comments saying you may come across as sexist or extreme may not necessarily be attacking you personally or your experiences. They may simply be pointing out that your stance may come across as broad and dismissive of men, and that it is not necessarily true that all men approach women with sexual comments or looks.

It is good to acknowledge and consider differing perspectives, especially when discussing such complex and sensitive topics.

FWIW, I was in a social setting once, with my boyfriend at the time, and a man took his hand and placed it straight up my dress and between my legs into my panties. My boyfriend and I looked at each other, he shrugged and I panicked but didn't know what to do. Of course my boyfriend was ready to beat the crap out of him, but there were so many people that we had no idea who did it. I've had other things happen as well but I prefer to keep those more personal. In any event, that, as well as other incidents, were not why I feel that way. I feel that not all men do it but when I say this I always get 'not all men'. Women have feelings and they range from fear to degradation and anger at being talked to like a sex object.

If you read that hard, you will see that I say not **only** men. If anything, men can be a bit more understanding that someone somewhere is abusing women and imagine how it would feel to be that woman who is being degraded. But there are other men that have genuinely put in the thought of how women feel about this and are genuinely wanting to know the correct protocol to follow.

So, this opens this up if you are that man and still have altruistic motive towards women and don't have the thoughts revolving around a hidden agenda but wanting to improve themselves with respect to women and how they see beautiful strangers.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It depends in what context the stranger approaches. I started chatting with my new neighbor in the hallway a couple days ago -complete stranger.  I've had men in the fitness room in my building greet me or ask me a question -totally fine.  And meeting strangers in certain contexts means you know more about them  than a cold approach on the street. 

Absolutely, I was specifically talking about being approached on the street which is something I don't like.

[Coily]

23 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If you read that hard, you will see that I say not **only** men. If anything, men can be a bit more understanding that someone somewhere is abusing women and imagine how it would feel to be that woman who is being degraded. But there are other men that have genuinely put in the thought of how women feel about this and are genuinely wanting to know the correct protocol to follow.

So, this opens this up if you are that man and still have altruistic motive towards women and don't have the thoughts revolving around a hidden agenda but wanting to improve themselves with respect to women and how they see beautiful strangers.

All of this! It's ever sifting sands as to what is appropriate for men to do or even how to act around women. Everything is contradictory it seems. What works in one setting will get the tarred and feathered in another.

Sure there are ground rules like no stalking, but the rest? You got me stumped. When a polite compliment is treated as heresy worthy of the Spanish Inquisition (which no one expects), it's baffling.

This thread has been rather illuminating about how mindboggling the dating world is for men these days.

 

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, mylolita said:

 

With respect Batya, this is your personal preference and opinion, but not all women’s view on this.

 

Some women, including myself, obviously don’t mind an appearance based compliment from a stranger. 
 

We can’t speak for all women. Some will find it border harassment, others just feel complimented even if they have no interest in the guy. It’s not the end of the world! 

My Mum and Dad met as strangers, so did all my Grandparents. So did me and my husband. I didn’t feel unsafe or belittled when he complimented me, so it’s obviously down to personal preference. There doesn’t seem to be a general “fits all” acceptable rule for this. 
 

x

So did mine.  I wrote what I wrote about my views in a specific context.  What you wrote has nothing to do with what I wrote. Obviously I wrote it as my personal opinion.  Again and again.

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, yogacat said:

'm sorry that you've been a victim of sexual assault and harassment; it is completely unacceptable and I hope that you are doing well and have found support and resources to cope and heal. It is understandable that these experiences may influence your perspective on how strangers should approach others. It is also valid for you to have an opinion on what respect means to you in terms of interactions with others.

No they don't. I wrote that above. I felt this same way before these incidents. And after I felt that way separately. And when I write "this same way" I wrote above several times now the context and specifics.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's not about sexism for me at all.  To me it's inappropriate for a stranger to approach a woman walking on the street with "hi sexy" or hi beautiful.  And also inappropriate if genders reversed.

I am unclear what you mean by "inappropriate" Bat.  

I don't think it's inappropriate, it's a compliment not harassment. My opinion. 😀

I just don't think it will render a man the best results if he's actually hoping to talk to a woman, get her number and ask her out.

I've never seen it happen that way at least in my social circle and this is for the OP.

Just like on the apps, it's suggested you comment on something unique about her from her profile; with approach find something unique about her personal style, what she's wearing or something and comment on that in a natural way, not like you're "coming on" to her.

Any Tom, D*ck or Harry can give a compliment based on her appearance, be creative, be unique.

JMO and what I and women I associate with respond to.