Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 2 hours ago, yogacat said: It's hard for men to understand this because they are not subjected to the same kind of attention and scrutiny for their looks. Men are often valued for their achievements and accomplishments rather than their appearance. It's also hard for men to recognize that their compliments may make women feel uncomfortable because they may genuinely have good intentions and just want to make the woman feel good. Nothing new under the sun. Sometimes it's harder to do the appropriate thing. Sometimes it's harder to put in the effort to empathize, to broaden a perspective, to see things from someone else's point of view. Oh well - people who care about themselves and others and their community and maybe even the world- find a way either to understand or if you "can't" then at least fake it till you make it -keep your mouth closed instead of catcalling a woman or cold approaching to compliment her looks and stare - and faking it till you make it at least goes part way and may actually absorb into something genuine. I feel valued for my accomplishments. But my definition of accomplishments is broad and not stereotypical. I liked being complimented when I was pregnant - by my female colleagues actually -I was the only one in the office at that time and I liked how they cared about how I was feeling and complimented my glow, the cute belly, etc. I wouldn't have liked male attention for the most part about that. I have a number of women friends who regularly post photos of themselves -ranging from conservative to not so much and they bask in the likes and the accolades. I personally don't relate and I find it a little cringey. I don't relate to the assumptions that all compliments are created equal and all good. Nope not IMHO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 3 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said: 😂 Yes I jokingly used them as an exaggerated example, point being I’m sure it depends who’s doing the number dropping (eg. let’s say ‘Higher than average Joe’ 😂) more than the etiquette of it apparently being wrong for the guy to give her his number, poster I was replying to said she’d automatically chuck a guys number out if it was that way round. No not to me. A stranger is a stranger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: To clarify @mylolitaI don't get tired of hearing compliments when in a relationship as long as when given, they're genuine and from the heart! What gets "old" for me is when they're given as some sort of contrived strategy to "pull" me or 'pick me up' or otherwise get my attention upon first approach or meet. It's not that I don't think I'm attractive or deserving, I find them phony when given in that context. I dunno, you'd have to be me on any given day and I'm not even some great beauty! A little above average maybe but very low key. In fact I get approached more often and told I'm beautiful when wearing jeans and tee, hair back in pony with a baseball cap! As I said, I'm always very gracious regardless. That’s absolutely fair do’s! I don’t know if I’ve ever received a compliment I thought was dis-ingenious or contrived? I’m trying to think back, I don’t think so but I must have at some point! And men never really seemed to try to pick me up for casual things! I was a stripper and lap dancer from the ages of 18-21. You can maybe imagine, you get showered with compliments and strangely, not even half of them were purely sexual, which was even a surprise to me! I also don’t wear that much make-up rainbows but I do like GLAMOUR! And always wear lipstick! Always! I gave birth to my three babies wearing lipstick - LMAO! I am grateful to feel overly complimented too - from strangers and friends alike. I always find it so lovely! Maybe I’m too socially deaf to realise if it’s disingenuous. I never really dated so I never had the experience of being picked up. I met my husband when I was 18 - I’m now 34, so I can’t say what it’s like to go to places single with single guys about all the time. The stripping gave me an intimidate and curious insight into the minds and feelings of men - thousands of them. With drink and charged atmospheres in a velvet curtained booth, you become more of a therapist than a sex worker, and I’ve heard all kinds of heart felt confessions from guys who would normally come across as “one of the lads” “Mr Alpha”. I’ve been a waitress and bar tender at a cocktail bar and again, plenty of can I have your number but, so did all the other girls who worked there, and I never got tired of it either, it was always such a big compliment to think a guy would want to take me on a date! If it’s generic run of the mill, thoughtless and impersonal compliments, maybe I could see your point! From this thread I can see every girl takes this stuff so differently! I don’t mind for example being complimented solely on superficial things at all - LOLOL! 🤣 x 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 To throw some kerosene on the fire here. A lot of men are trained to compliment women on looks. There is the cliche of a woman getting upset that her new haircut isn't noticed by her boyfriend or husband, or how that new cute dress looks on her. Or the deadly "Does this make me look fat?" Boys see that in media, their homes, and life in general. There is a level of expectation that a man "must" compliment a woman on her appearance to some degree. Then to be told it's the most vile creepy thing, does confuse and frustrate men. Sure it's taken to extremes, anything can be; but 90% of the time we don't know what the reaction will be. Even when the compliments are warmly welcomed, it can be as much of a shock to us as it is the woman receiving them. Which all rolls back into; communication between men and women is always ***ly on first contact. One woman I went on a date with, was mad i didn't notice her dress or her hair specifically. I just said she looked nice. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 2 minutes ago, mylolita said: don’t mind for example being complimented solely on superficial things at all - LOLOL! 🤣 Neither do I for the most part. I mind a man I don't know approaching me in public on a street or in a store to compliment my looks. I wouldn't feel comfortable and likely would feel unsafe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, Coily said: Boys see that in media, their homes, and life in general. There is a level of expectation that a man "must" compliment a woman on her appearance to some degree. Then to be told it's the most vile creepy thing, does confuse and frustrate men. Sure it's taken to extremes, anything can be; but 90% of the time we don't know what the reaction will be. Even when the compliments are warmly welcomed, it can be as much of a shock to us as it is the woman receiving them. Which all rolls back into; communication between men and women is always ***ly on first contact. One woman I went on a date with, was mad i didn't notice her dress or her hair specifically. I just said she looked nice. Yes in that context it's nice as long as it's not the only compliment. That's not a cold approach stranger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: Yes in that context it's nice as long as it's not the only compliment. That's not a cold approach stranger. But it could be. Some people thrive on cold approach compliments. Everyone is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: Yes in that context it's nice as long as it's not the only compliment. That's not a cold approach stranger. My husband says I look nice all the time! He’s a man. What do we want? Down on one knee to recite Keats? 🤣 I don’t take it as basic at all because I can tell underneath it is a torrent of romance and hai heart is aching! One time he was looking at me naked and said, “Look at you! You are the picture of health.” Some women might think, weird! Scientific? But I always remembered that. It was so sweet and natural. This was 13 years ago… I still liked that one 🤣 x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, Coily said: But it could be. Some people thrive on cold approach compliments. Everyone is different. I personally love for the spur of the moment and delight in the spontaneous social situations! As long as it’s not unsafe of course! I think definitely everyone is different here. Maybe I am in the minority for women. It seems like maybe men have to be friends first or match made or vetted through a dating profile? x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 9 minutes ago, mylolita said: I also don’t wear that much make-up rainbows but I do like GLAMOUR! And always wear lipstick! Always! I have birth to my three babies wearing lipstick - LMAO! I can relate to this^ although I don't call it "glamor" I call it "style." I'm very much into style, wearing stylish clothes, and looking my best. Lol @ lipstick! As far as makeup, I'm a "less is more" girl, but you will very rarely see me without a hint of tinted lip gloss or pale lipstick of some sort. So totally with ya on that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, mylolita said: My husband says I look nice all the time! He’s a man. What do we want? Down on one knee to recite Keats? 🤣 I don’t take it as basic at all because I can tell underneath it is a torrent of romance and hai heart is aching! One time he was looking at me naked and said, “Look at you! You are the picture of health.” Some women might think, weird! Scientific? But I always remembered that. It was so sweet and natural. This was 13 years ago… I still liked that one 🤣 x Husbands are not strangers cold approaching. I wrote above my husband and I compliment each others' looks regularly. I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 minute ago, mylolita said: I personally love for the spur of the moment and delight in the spontaneous social situations! As long as it’s not unsafe of course! I think definitely everyone is different here. Maybe I am in the minority for women. It seems like maybe men have to be friends first or match made or vetted through a dating profile? x I don't find a man approaching me on a street and telling me I look hot or beautiful as social or spontaneous. Kind of like the couple of times I was sitting right next to my son on a bus when he was young and a stranger approached him all smiles and offered him candy. How -spontaneous. What a kind gesture. Not. Depends on context. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 2 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Husbands are not strangers cold approaching. I wrote above my husband and I compliment each others' looks regularly. I love it. Thanks Bat, it's an important distinction. And I include "boyfriends" in with husbands too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, Batya33 said: Husbands are not strangers cold approaching. I wrote above my husband and I compliment each others' looks regularly. I love it. Yes! Batya I don’t mind if a random guy says “you look lovely”! I say schucks!! Thanks! I was meaning that when Coily said his date was off when he said she looked “nice”. I realise some women can see that as a flat and unthoughtful, too general compliment. I was just saying I think it’s a lovely compliment and when men say it, husbands or strangers, they really mean something deeper. Nice to men covers “sexy, beautiful, stylish, gorgeous, pretty, cute” all the rest! I think it’s a really nice compliment - hahahaha! x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, rainbowsandroses said: Thanks Bat, it's an important distinction. Well my husband was cold approaching me before I married him! He did it once, then we got to know each other, 15 years later 3 kids, here we are! Not everyone meets someone recommended by their friend or a fellow student or class mate or work colleague! Some people go out to bars or just strike a convo at the library! Shock horror!!! x 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I xan relate to this^ although I don't call it "glamor" I call it "style." I'm very much into style, wearing stylish clothes, and looking my best. Lol @ lipstick! As far as makeup, I'm a "less is more" girl, but you will very rarely see me without a hint of tinted lip gloss or pale lipstick of some sort. So totally with ya on that! I’m with ya too rainbows apart from my lipstick choices are reds, deep reds and dramatic plums! I get the “you look retro/antique” thing a lot! But it’s just pale skin rosy cheeks and lipstick that’s all! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, mylolita said: Yes! Batya I don’t mind if a random guy says “you look lovely”! I say schucks!! Thanks! I was meaning that when Coily said his date was off when he said she looked “nice”. I realise some women can see that as a flat and unthoughtful, too general compliment. I was just saying I think it’s a lovely compliment and when men say it, husbands or strangers, they really mean something deeper. Nice to men covers “sexy, beautiful, stylish, gorgeous, pretty, cute” all the rest! I think it’s a really nice compliment - hahahaha! x It depends - I wrote above -if it's on a dark street and I'm walking alone -not ok - if it's said with a stare or a leer -not ok - if it's as I'm walking quickly by -fine -I'll likely say thanks and keep walking to discourage any further interaction and not to show any discomfort. I think it's inappropriate and from how my son behaves in public with strangers I doubt he'd do something like that. If he said something like hot or sexy I'd be frightened until I could walk away fast. I wouldn't run as I wouldn't want to draw attention. If it were on a crowded subway or bus and I could get off at the next stop I would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 I think most of us were born and exist because some guy took the plunge and spoke to a girl he didn’t know! Either our Grandfathers or our own fathers! My Dad met my Mum when she had snuck into a country club at 16 - he asked her to dance; they were strangers. It’s not all bad! My Grandparents were the same, they met when my Grandma relocated at 15 and they were at a farmers market I think! He went up to her and asked her to go to a dance with him! Wonder if he said, “Hey Violet, you look hot?” 🤣 x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 4 minutes ago, mylolita said: Well my husband was cold approaching me before I married him! He did it once, then we got to know each other, 15 years later 3 kids, here we are! Not everyone meets someone recommended by their friend or a fellow student or class mate or work colleague! Some people go out to bars or just strike a convo at the library! Shock horror!!! x I met my husband originally at work. I crossed a crowded conference room and greeted him. Not really a cold approach since we were supposed to meet the new employees and I was doing my part. It would have been completely wrong for either of us to compliment the other on his/her looks other than maybe "nice tie". No shock or horror. I think it's fine to approach people at a bar. Did it many many times. I struck up a convo with my new neighbor in the hallway last week and complimented her outfit. That to me is socially acceptable. For me personally I was referring to the original poster's plan to approach a stranger on a street or in a store and tell her she is hot or sexy or beautiful. I wrote above -again and again - it depends on context and timing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: It depends - I wrote above -if it's on a dark street and I'm walking alone -not ok - if it's said with a stare or a leer -not ok - if it's as I'm walking quickly by -fine -I'll likely say thanks and keep walking to discourage any further interaction and not to show any discomfort. I think it's inappropriate and from how my son behaves in public with strangers I doubt he'd do something like that. If he said something like hot or sexy I'd be frightened until I could walk away fast. I wouldn't run as I wouldn't want to draw attention. If it were on a crowded subway or bus and I could get off at the next stop I would. This surely goes without saying and is common sense. We’re talking daily daytime life or out with friends somewhere. If you’re in a dark alley like some movie and a guy comes at you well of course! I don’t get the impression anyone is talking about if you feel unsafe. It’s more like, if you’re at the supermarket, or just having a coffee in a cafe; or at the library. A guy approaching you and saying something, or asking you out, to me? Is not a scary or bad thing. But I do understand, there is always an element of safety for women, we always have to bear that in mind for sure. x 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 12 minutes ago, mylolita said: Batya I don’t mind if a random guy says “you look lovely”! I say schucks!! That's a very kind and respectful compliment and I smile and say thank you. That's not how it often goes down through, they can be quite crass and obnoxious. I had one guy following me around Ralph's (grocery market) telling me how utterly gorgeous I was, asking other shoppers "isn't she gorgeous"? Literally begging me to go out with him. Another man followed me home, waited for me outside my building in the morning as I left for work, wanted to walk to work with me calling me sexy, beautiful, hot the entire time. I finally had to tell him I wasn't interested and to please leave me alone. These are just two examples, you cannot tell me this would flatter you, would it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim42 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 17 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Neither do I for the most part. I mind a man I don't know approaching me in public on a street or in a store to compliment my looks. I wouldn't feel comfortable and likely would feel unsafe. I'm the same, it makes me uncomfortable, especially on a street. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, mylolita said: This surely goes without saying and is common sense. We’re talking daily daytime life or out with friends somewhere. If you’re in a dark alley like some movie and a guy comes at you well of course! I don’t get the impression anyone is talking about if you feel unsafe. It’s more like, if you’re at the supermarket, or just having a coffee in a cafe; or at the library. A guy approaching you and saying something, or asking you out, to me? Is not a scary or bad thing. But I do understand, there is always an element of safety for women, we always have to bear that in mind for sure. x Yes that could be ok. Not if he approached me in a store and first said "hi sexy". Or "hi you are beautiful." I don't want to date or be friends with someone who thinks that is ok. I know my son wouldn't do that and I see how he interacts with strangers -respectful, appropriate, thoughtful. Tells them "have a great day!" Not "have a great day, beautiful!" I left a dentists' office a few years ago and the hygienist called out loudly after me "BYE SKINNY!!!!" Really? I'm supposed to feel flattered that someone noticed I'm slim? And shouted it out as I walked away? To each her own I guess. During covid a man followed me in a supermarket. Kept following me in the aisles. Older than me- getting too close not socially distancing. I asked him to please keep his distance. This egged him on. He got pushier. So I went to a manager because I only was shopping once a week and leaving was simply just not a real option. It was really uncomfortable and he thought it was funny. Management did not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: That's a very kind and respectful compliment and I smile and say thank you. That's not how it often goes down through, they can be quite crass and obnoxious. I had one guy following me around Ralph's (grocery market) telling me how utterly gorgeous I was, asking other shoppers "isn't she gorgeous"? Literally begging me to go out with him. Another man followed me home, waited for me outside my building in the morning as I left for work, wanted to walk to work with me calling me sexy, beautifu, hot the entire time. I finally had to tell him I wasn't interested and to please leave me alone. These are just two examples, you cannot tell me this would flatter you, would it? No no rainbows this is something different! That is harassment. But I simply thought that was obvious we’re not talking about harassment and strangers coming to our houses? I got the impression we’re talking about regular guys, at appropriate settings, approaching a woman they don’t know to compliment her and ask her out? I think it seems a general consensus that the women on here wouldn’t want to be called hot! I’ve actually never been called hot I don’t think by any guy! I wouldn’t know that one! x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Just now, mylolita said: No no rainbows this is something different! That is harassment. But I simply thought that was obvious we’re not talking about harassment and strangers coming to our houses? I got the impression we’re talking about regular guys, at appropriate settings, approaching a woman they don’t know to compliment her and ask her out? I think it seems a general consensus that the women on here wouldn’t want to be called hot! I’ve actually never been called hot I don’t think by any guy! I wouldn’t know that one! x My (former) friend, coworker, classmate (we lost touch!) met her husband when he smiled at her and waved from across a street. So she crossed over. She is BEAUTIFUL like model beautiful. But what I knew of her - I mean -what a lovely person. Great heart extremely attune to people's feeling and also a great intellect and mind for business. What a gem. Knowing her I am positive he didn't lead with how beautiful she was. She I am sure got that alllll the time and would have been turned off. I'm so glad she met him and I love that story so much. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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