Advice Please

[moomooland]

Situationships ended things a month ago and now he's been calling me. I still care and miss him but I can't put myself out there again. I was really hurt when he wanted to go our separate ways. We shared great memories for a year . When we start this thing, we both were emotionally unavailable, not sure that changes over time on his side. I'm not sure if I should answer his calls/call him back. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, moomooland said:

. I still care and miss him but I can't put myself out there again. I was really hurt when he wanted to go our separate ways. . When we start this thing, we both were emotionally unavailable, not sure that changes over time on his side. 

Sorry this happened. What ended the situation?  Are you more "emotionally available" at this time? Is this the same man?

 

[moomooland]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What ended the situation?  Are you more "emotionally available" at this time? Is this the same man?

 

I'm divorced 

[Batya33]

Was he simply not emotionally available for you? Missing someone and caring is emotionally available. Perhaps it was one sided?

[moomooland]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What ended the situation?  Are you more "emotionally available" at this time? Is this the same man?

 

It's the same guy, I actually ended up opening up to him and I brought him in my house. We were both emotionally unavailable at that time, I called him after thanksgiving because I haven't heard from him and he said we should see other people. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, moomooland said:

It's the same guy, I actually ended up opening up to him and I brought him in my house. We were both emotionally unavailable at that time, I called him after thanksgiving because I haven't heard from him and he said we should see other people. 

I'd not depend on catch phrases -you two had a sexual arrangement.  You then wanted more as far as perhaps actually going on dates with potential for a serious relationship. He didn't.  He still doesn't unless he is telling you -with actual plans "I want to date you because I see potential for a serious relationship and I'd love a chance to show you these serious intentions."

[moomooland]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Was he simply not emotionally available for you? Missing someone and caring is emotionally available. Perhaps it was one sided?

I think as we spent more time together, he  started to have feelings for me. 

[Batya33]

Just now, moomooland said:

I think as we spent more time together, he  started to have feelings for me. 

Well no that is not how it works -you had a sexual arrangement, he then got to know you sexually and also enjoyed your company. However he did not want to date you and didn't see potential for a serious relationship even if he had feelings -he didn't want to act on those feelings by dating you. He was fine acting on those feelings by having intercourse with you when he felt like having sex with you.

[Andrina]

19 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I called him after thanksgiving because I haven't heard from him and he said we should see other people. 

As Dr. Phil says, the best predictor of future behavior is past recent behavior. He ended the sex buddy situation with you recently. If you got back together for sex, when the newness wears off, he will dump you once more.

You say you "think" he developed feelings. That's your wishful thinking. I agree with Batya. A man who's had an epiphany and can't bear to miss out on a golden opportunity would've said, "This time apart has made me realize what I really want, and it's you as a serious partner." Instead, he has no takers for female hookups and misses sex, so he's hitting up the woman he knows was hurt when he ended things, not caring one bit that she will be hurt all over again when he tires of you nagging about wanting more from him and setting boundaries.

I read your previous post which I had responded to. Are you in therapy? Do your parents now know you're divorced? If none of that is true, and even if you have taken those proactive steps, you're clearly not in a good headspace to wisely date. Block this man from contacting you. Vow never to have another "situationship." It hasn't worked in your favor before and it will never work. Continue or begin therapy so you can learn your value. Right now, your self-love is lacking and predators can sniff you out as the weak prey you are at the moment. Decent men are attracted to confident women who practice self-love. When you achieve that, you'll be ready to date.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, moomooland said:

, I called him after thanksgiving because I haven't heard from him and he said we should see other people. 

Sorry this happened. However at least it's some type of "closure". Perhaps you dodged a bullet because you met at a bad time and things have improved since

. Consider this your ticket to freedom from nebulous situationships and the opportunity to start talking to and dating men who want what you want. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Consider this your ticket to freedom from nebulous situationships and the opportunity to start talking to and dating men who want what you want. 

Which begs the question - @moomoolandwhat do you want?

Referencing your previous thread back in July, you didn't want to be close (with him or any man), you didn't want anything serious, you didn't want him seeing your living space, you only wanted casual, no feelings, no strings 

Not just with him but any man!

In fact you were quite angry that he did want to get closer. 

Has any of this changed?  Do you even want to change?  

If you do, are you in therapy?

There is no sense talking to and dating other men who want what you want unless and until you figure out what it is you actually want. 

Re your ex, I do not recommend going back there.  After only a month, it's doubtful much if anything has changed. 

It's very normal to miss an ex during the holidays.  In the coming new year, strive to aim higher in both what you want and deserve yourself and what you have in you to give to others.

All the best. 

[moomooland]

I have told my family about my divorced, I am in therapy.  I brought him to my house once to show him where I live, he said I don't text him enough and most the time he doesn't know what I've been up to when we are not together 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, moomooland said:

I have told my family about my divorced, I am in therapy.  I brought him to my house once to show him where I live, he said I don't text him enough and most the time he doesn't know what I've been up to when we are not together 

How is this relevant to whether he wants a relationship with you? Sex partners might also like to text in between sexual meeting.  

[smackie9]

He's not emotionally missing you he's looking to hookup. 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't bother with someone who just dumped me out of nowhere for no clear reason and then reaches out again. Allowing that would set me up for insecure misery, always wondering when he'll do it again. I mean, he's already demonstrated that he's capable of that, so continually fearing the next time would not be the way I would choose to live.

It might be different if we has a good, close intimate relationship of trust, but then we encountered a difference we couldn't resolve. If we parted and then he reached out after that, I'd want to learn whether he had a new idea for a solution to our problem or a good compromise. But just getting unceremoniously dumped wouldn't be something I'd forgive, so I'd never want to speak with him again.

[moomooland]

He didn't, it doesn't matter, he Left me for another women anyway 

[LootieTootie]

4 minutes ago, moomooland said:

He didn't, it doesn't matter, he Left me for another women anyway 

How did you find out he left you for another woman?

[moomooland]

He texted me about it , I guess I'm just looking for empathy now, never really know love my whole life. Not even from my parents. I know I am broken and properly too late 

[LootieTootie]

I'm sorry this happened to you moomoo. One way you can look at this, is yes its another disappointment but another way to look at this, is its a blessing in disguise.

This man was living with you and making you feel bad about when you guys weren't together but there was no commitment and love on his part, but just manipulation and sex.

Like Andrina said, its self-love you are lacking. Not love from others. Once you find your self-love, that's all you need to be happy and fulfilled. Think about this and meditate on it. Keep going to your therapy, keep journaling, keep looking for your voice and keep holding your head high. You will find your way.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I'm sorry this happened to you moomoo. One way you can look at this, is yes its another disappointment but another way to look at this, is its a blessing in disguise.

This man was living with you and making you feel bad about when you guys weren't together but there was no commitment and love on his part, but just manipulation and sex.

Like Andrina said, its self-love you are lacking. Not love from others. Once you find your self-love, that's all you need to be happy and fulfilled. Think about this and meditate on it. Keep going to your therapy, keep journaling, keep looking for your voice and keep holding your head high. You will find your way.

Also go for a brisk walk daily - try to do a 15-20 minute mile at least even if you only go half a mile -for at least 20 minutes a day -listen to music, look at trees or choose a place with nature - listen to a podcast.  It's really head clearing. If you can't go outside, dance in your living room -really with energy -to music.

Do you do volunteer work? Find a volunteer opportunity where you interact with others- meaning not something you do from home.

He did not leave you.  He decided to stop having sex with you.  He wasn't with you as a person to begin with - I hope you have some good memories of the sexual pleasure but he wasn't with you ever in any relevant way and he didn't leave "you" nor was this a relationship of any kind based on genuine caring or love.  You wrote you had great memories for a year so there is that -sounds like it was fun and exciting for the time it lasted.