Girlfriend said she was falling in love with me and I had poor response

[alertingadf]

@yogacat that post is unaffiliated with me. Seems like a separate item. 
 

yes as I was falling in love with her. I felt I was reciprocating the same thing she said. Also I  feel my actions were backing things up. But I know she is not a mind reader either. 

[MrMan1983]

I thought OPs response was fine and sounds like he made it obvious that he’s invested, not everyone falls at the same speed but doesn’t mean it’s not going to work in the longer run. Actually wouldn’t be surprised if the I’m falling for you thing is a red herring reason altogether and OP can only think of that as the reason it could have been. Especially if she’s just cut him off and now alluding to wanting princess treatment from someone (what she said on socials) maybe she met someone. Often a reason people go cold and weird. Truth is none of us will know unless she explicitly says that was the reason. 
 

Either way wouldn’t recommend simping with flowers that only works in unrealistic American romcoms. 

[alertingadf]

@MrMan1983 its possible. I recall in the beginning of relationship her friends said why is he not giving you money or expensive gifts. And that American men are selfish (I live in Miami, I am a minority here). She told me this and defended me to the friends.

I also know one of her friends almost divorced her husband because she wasnt getting expensive handbags and jewlery anymore even though she didnt have to work, had a live in maid and a high rise apartment, everything paid for. But she convinced the friend to stay with the husband

Could someone else come along who was going to give money and shower her with gifts and she left? I guess its possible. But fairness to her she seemed different than that and was willing to pay for items on her own as well and split dinners. She was becoming a doctor and had a job unlike some of the friends who didnt. But maybe this whole exchange led her to open the gate to this too.

To your last point, I just dont know because she never talked to me about this.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

. I was falling in love with her. I felt I was reciprocating the same thing she said. Also I  feel my actions were backing things up. But I know she is not a mind reader either. 

It's just sad before the holidays. However zoom out a bit and realize she can end it for any reason. Her stuff, your stuff, novelty wore off, not feeling it, busy, you wear green socks, whatever. However in her mind the reason she cited was specifically your reply.

[yogacat]

54 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

@yogacat that post is unaffiliated with me. Seems like a separate item. 
 

yes as I was falling in love with her. I felt I was reciprocating the same thing she said. Also I  feel my actions were backing things up. But I know she is not a mind reader either. 

It's unfortunate but seemed she was looking for a certain level of commitment or emotional intimacy from you at that point in the relationship, and felt disappointed when she didn't receive it. I am sure that caused her to feel insecure or unsure about where the relationship was heading, and your lack of response most likely confirmed her fears and caused her to reevaluate the relationship.

Sorry that happened.

You did not betray her trust or intentionally hurt her. It sounds like the timing just wasn't right for the both of you to be on the same page emotionally and she made the decision to end things. It seems hasty, but ultimately she has the right to make decisions about what she wants in a relationship and what she needs to feel secure and loved and what's best for her own emotional well-being, and that might mean ending the relationship. I think if she felt more secure with the relationship to begin with she would have had patience with you and not been in such a rush to get an "I love you" from you.

Maybe she had unresolved anxiety about relationships because of a past experience, or maybe she was just looking for a more committed relationship than you were able to give at that point in time. It sucks, but sometimes these things are just not meant to be and it's better to find out sooner rather than later.

I hope you both can take time to heal and eventually find happiness with someone who is able to meet your needs and vice versa.

[Batya33]

Do you feel comfortable with that level of a materialistic attitude?  I also am suspicious when a new person mentions what “friends” are saying about gift giving and “pampering “. Shouldn’t enjoying each others company be more than enough ??

[alertingadf]

@Batya33 not especially. But in fairness to her, those things never came up too much. Maybe those were subtle hints she was giving. If so I missed them. 

But she often paid for things as well. And we did enjoy each others company. It certainly was not at all focused on material things.

The only difference, she was much more liberal about spending and throwing around money. She would spend lavishly on dinners with her friends/by herself and had been to all the trendy restaurants. She would often buy new clothes all the time. But that was with her money, and i have no issues with what someone wants to do with their own money. I am not a penny pincher or cheap but I dont spend nearly the amount of money that she does

But I think its partly how we were raised too. I didnt have a bunch of money growing up but have been successful now in my career. But I think that past keeps me a little grounded.

She told me growing up she never had to worry about anything and was spoiled growing up as a kid. And she is used to getting what she wants. The only time I saw any issue was once when we were going to her favorite restaurant. Its a trendy place and need reservations. For whatever reason, something happened when she made it and they didnt have it when we showed up

She got very upset and was barely speaking. I quickly found another place to go to that was near (not as trendy/fancy but good). She said at first she was upset at me because I didnt offer them money to sit us. But she realized that it was not my fault so didnt say anything. 

She got out of the mood she was in by the end of the meal. I think that was the only time I ever saw anything that I would consider warning. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

The issue is if you rush to move in together then her spending and “saving” habits are going to affect you and obviously even more so with marriage or if you have a child with the person. So she spends her own money but wanted you to use your own money to pay off a maitre d for a table at a restaurant that she really wanted to go to?  Then sulked about it?  Please. 

[alertingadf]

I know what you are saying. But she is studying to become a doctor. I think with combined income,  wouldnt have had much issue worrying about those things. I might be very naive with that statement!

And she told me that as a passing thought but never actually asked me to do that. Honestly, doing something like that would never even register in my mind! 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

I thought OPs response was fine and sounds like he made it obvious that he’s invested, not everyone falls at the same speed but doesn’t mean it’s not going to work in the longer run. Actually wouldn’t be surprised if the I’m falling for you thing is a red herring reason altogether and OP can only think of that as the reason it could have been. Especially if she’s just cut him off and now alluding to wanting princess treatment from someone (what she said on socials) maybe she met someone. Often a reason people go cold and weird. Truth is none of us will know unless she explicitly says that was the reason.

Either way wouldn’t recommend simping with flowers that only works in unrealistic American romcoms. 

I agree with @MrMan1983.  I mean if she was that bothered (hurt?) by your response, why the heck did she continue talking to you (four days in a row, acting as she normally does), making future plans etc after it happened?  For an entire week?  

Delayed reaction? 

I don't think so. Something else is going on and agree her comment on her SM is quite telling and wreaks of entitlement! 

She may have used your response as a reason to dump but given her behavior immediately following, the SM comment, her blowing your coffee date off without so much as a courtesy text letting you know, OP it appears you may not know this woman as well as you think you do.

And how could you? You only dated three months!!

Let it go.  You're gonna drive yourself crazy with all the different stories. And the guilt. 

Your response was fine only three months in.  You did NOTHING wrong.  

Something I've learned over the years is things are NOT always what they appear to be.  It's been true in my life, my friends' lives and on the threads we read on this forum and others.  

Begin detaching and enjoy the rest of the holidays! 

It waa three months. Not very long in the grand scheme of things. 

I'm sorry. 

 

 

[alertingadf]

That was the thing that baffled me the most. Why talk to me what you want to do in March for your birthday? Why introduce me to you 6 yr old nephew after that exchange happened.

Then why reengange with me, talk with me for 4 days then ghost. Just doesnt make sense and felt like getting broke up with all over again

 

But I agree, I dont know and who knows whats actually going on and feel like I have already driven myself crazy with guilt trying to figure it out haha

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, alertingadf said:

I know what you are saying. But she is studying to become a doctor. I think with combined income,  wouldnt have had much issue worrying about those things. I might be very naive with that statement!

And she told me that as a passing thought but never actually asked me to do that. Honestly, doing something like that would never even register in my mind! 

If she is a big spender keep that in mind.  Also would you be paying her loans ? From school ? 

[alertingadf]

No she finished up school and just has residency left. Yes, the spending was on back of my mind, but with combined incomes I dont think we would have had to worry to much about that and why it was less of a concern of mine at the time. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

No she finished up school and just has residency left. Yes, the spending was on back of my mind, but with combined incomes I dont think we would have had to worry to much about that and why it was less of a concern of mine at the time. 

Do you have the same financial values. My husband and I do. We’re basically savers. Despite being financially comfortable 

[alertingadf]

No. She is definitely a spender and doesnt save. I definitely save a good portion of my income but also spend on things. But nowhere near what she spends on.

 

For example, she has a perfectly good couch, but wanted to buy a new one for 6k because it looked nicer. Which is just crazy to me. Or would spend 250-300  getting dinner by herself. Or just other things like that which seems a bit excessive to me. 

[LotusBlack]

I have only read the first page not the second and third, so this might have been mentioned on those pages, but I don’t think what you expressed was remotely similar and I think on a subconscious level you knew that too at the time. As such, I think you said exactly what you meant: that you have strong feelings for her. That doesn’t automatically mean you are falling in love yet, though. 

In my opinion, such as it is, people who feel the same thing in any context, tend to mirror each other, and it is so natural for one to respond in kind with similar wording, in this case, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” a natural response would be, “I think I’m falling in love with you too.” or, “me too”, “I feel the same” etc. But, what you said was something that doesn’t easily fall off the tongue in a mirrored response. Rather, it is specifically avoidant of agreement to the same degree. You also have to go out of your way to phrase your response so as not to create a misunderstanding of where exactly you’re at. Now, these thoughts and the process of this information happens so fast that I think it wasn’t a conscious choice to word things that way. I think you expressed exactly how you felt on a subconscious level and what you expressed was strong feelings for her without quite being in the direct realm of love at that point.

Your gf didn’t say she loved you but was falling in love with you. I think it is quite possible to be at that stage in 3 months. That you were not at the same stage as her perhaps highlighted to her that you might never develop stronger feelings than greatly liking her. Perhaps she just cut her losses because it is quite normal for people to gauge fairly early on in a relationship if it has the potential for love to develop.

There is nothing wrong with how you felt about her, but there was also nothing wrong with her deciding to end things. Whether your response was cold or not is a matter of opinion and context matters. We weren’t there so don’t know the tone or the manner in which you spoke. You were free to express your feelings the way you wanted and she was free to do the same and she chose to end things. 

I suggest next time when someone tells you something important, you stop for a second to consider your response rather than just speaking without thought. 

[spinstermanquee]

10 hours ago, alertingadf said:

She is definitely a spender and doesnt save... would spend 250-300  getting dinner by herself

wow.  just wow. are you sure this is accurate?  she sounds like a professional lady or sugar baby not a doctor.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

she sounds like a professional lady or sugar baby not a doctor.

Lots of people live above their lifestyle. My brother in law dad, who does used car sales, told me how, for example, lots of his customers likes to splash in for a car, while they are living in basically a shack. Its more important for people to see that they drive a nice car, then how they trully live. 

I suspect this is one of those cases. Doctors are suppose to be living a certain lifestyle. So she tries for that even though she has no dough to sustain that. Not a really good property if OP has planned a future there, that is for sure.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, alertingadf said:

. I think with combined income,  wouldnt have had much issue worrying about those things.

There's no reason to feel guilty about saying what you did. If that's how you felt, then it is what it is. Maybe it was a turning point for her, maybe it was the last straw. 

Whatever the case, it seems she thought about it and tried to end the relationship with the "busy" explanation until you pressed further and she admitted the response was the reason she ended it.

As far as your socioeconomic differences, maybe that was becoming palpable as well. However, handbags and sofas aren't the reason this didn't work out. She had the same money style and socioeconomic status when you met.

It's unclear why you're still trying to find mysterious reasons for the breakup when she told you your response was the reason. 

Maybe overall there were just too many incompatibilities as well as too much too soon, especially telling her your lease is up. So while she cited that it was the comment itself, it's probably that and some other factors. 

[alertingadf]

@LotusBlack yes this thread went in many different directions and long now. But what I said before, I thought I was reflecting the same thing and said it in a warm and loving way. Yes, I realize now that there were better responses as you said. But its what I first said right away.

In hindsight, it would have been better for me to take even a second before speaking. Because I did care about her in that way. 

@Wiseman2 Yes I agree this is likely the main reason this ended. Whether it was the sole reason or opened the door to have her reconsider things I dont know but not sure how much it matters. 

I have actually entered therapy because I feel how I expressed myself ended a relationship I really cared for. That is heartbreaking and I dont want to repeat this again. 

 

@spinstermanquee yes thats correct but I also live in expensive city so its not hard to do that if you order a bunch. @Kwothe28 yes she lives above her income right now, but she will be doctor in a year so basically her income will likely meet her lifestyle. Or she will find someone who will help her do that

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

....agree this is likely the main reason this ended. Whether it was the sole reason or opened the door to have her reconsider things I dont know but not sure how much it matters. I have actually entered therapy because I feel how I expressed myself ended a relationship I really cared for. That is heartbreaking and I dont want to repeat this again. she lives above her income right now, but she will be doctor in a year so basically her income will likely meet her lifestyle.

Therapy is a great idea. Not because a 12 week relationship didn't work out but because it's a pattern with different women.  Frankly, how she spends her money is her business. That you feel it's frivolous only reveals incompatibilities. 

[alertingadf]

@Wiseman2 agree on your first part. I said in previous  part how someone spends their money is no issue to me. But understand what you are saying. 

[Batya33]

It’s good you know you’re ready to be with someone who lives as she does. You of course have options. My friend paid off his wife’s medical school loans when they married even though she was a doctor. After being married over 10 yesrs she reduced to very part time after an accident so there went her income.
this is not a different direction in the thread. Many people have hesitancy of acting on strong feelings if the person has different values. You don’t care and you’re ready to be with someone who spends a combined income lavishly. I am also a professional. Never spent that way in part because when I was single I knew I’d want to be a SAHM one day for at least a couple of years and figured having a nest egg from which to contribute $$ if needed was a good idea. I saved for 11 years after paying odd grad school loans.  I lived comfortably on my own. 
So I wouldn’t generalize and as far as responding to a woman you’re into who says that I’d say honestly “I’m not quite there yet but I feel like you and I have real potential and I feel strongly about you and our future “

[alertingadf]

@Batya33 thanks. I wasnt too worried about income and agree with your statements. 

As for your last part, it would have been much better response. I think end of day this is going to just be a painful lesson.

I think both of us in relationship in some way did not communicate well. Mine on my response and how I felt. On her side, I had no idea until later how much impact this had on her. Everything seemed fine in the moment. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, alertingadf said:

As for for your last part, it would have been much better response. I think end of day this is going to just be a painful lesson.

I don't think it was necessarily "better."  Better for her perhaps assuming that's why she dumped you, but not better generally imo.

For many women including myself your response would have been fine, especially given how you described your tone when saying it, how you treated her throughout your short time together and how well you got on together.

I am going to assume she was happy and felt love and caring from you by your actions (which is where it counts) prior to this.  Otherwise she would not have felt comfortable making the declaration in the first place. 

People who feel unhappy, anxious and insecure would typically be seeking reassurance from you, asking where you envision the relationship going, etc not making a grand declaration about how they feel.

This suggests she was happy prior to this and imo if the words you chose to express your feelings, although different from hers, were enough for her to dump you, then honestly it's for the best it's over.

You're not compatible and it's good you discovered this so early in.

As I said, another woman might have a completely different reaction and taken your words differently, more positively, and as YOUR way of expressing your feelings.

It's great to introspect when a relationship ends, I always do.  And I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and others by doing so.

So I encourage you to do that as well, but please stop beating yourself up over this.  I've seen guilt destroy people and here, again my opinion but there is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

She simply wasn't the right person for you nor you for her.  People shouldn't have to walk on eggshells afraid to be themselves and express themselves in their own way, what's comfortable for them, for fear their partner might dump them for it.  That is no way to live.

Be true to yourself and find a partner who is accepting of that and vice versa. 

I truly do hope that someday soon you're able to make peace with this and move on with your life.

Take care.