Girlfriend said she was falling in love with me and I had poor response

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, alertingadf said:

@yogacat I thought at time I was responding with similar declaration of feelings. We had often talked about future.

 

So you were talking about the future but you couldn't muster a few sentences to express your love for her? That seems odd. Maybe it's a matter of trouble expressing your emotions and need some time to process and think about your feelings. Your girlfriend took a big step in opening up and expressing her love for you.

Don't feel pressured to say "I love you" if you're not ready, but also don't keep your girlfriend in the dark.

She just chose to turn the light on.

[Morello]

Cmon guys, it was three months. His response was fine. If she was really into him, it would not have been a problem. I doubt she was actually in love as she said (infatuated, yes, but that’s different). She was probably confused herself, hence it feeling out of the blue.

[alertingadf]

@rainbowsandroses its hard to say. But she knew I was 100% invested in the relationship. I was introducing her to my parents the next week as well and talking about moving in together in a couple of months when my lease was up. So I think I telling in other ways that I was all in. 

No I have not had this pattern in other relationships. its odd but we got along so well and very quickly in our initial meeting. Perhaps I slipped into a comfortable mode too quickly without expressing more emotionally how I felt.

Its hard to say because in some ways I am guessing since we never had a chance to talk through this.

 

I am debating in the New Year (giving time to breathe) if I message her and say I should have been more clear in my expression of feelings with you but felt same way. I personally dont expect a response though and debate if its worth it. 

 

@yogacat i agree she took a big step saying that. I think my surprise was that I never expected her to say that. She is originally from Colombia (been in the states a couple of years now). So there are some things where she expects male to take lead more. I think this in general was my surprise that she said something like that first. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Take the positive

 

Be glad you're not sharing a space with names on a lease

and have to split that way 

You said what you said, if you're not in love, all good

 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, alertingadf said:

 she text messaged me: I am just too busy for a relationship right now and you deserve someone who can spend more time with you, go on trips together. I dont want to bring you into my mess more because you will end up miserable because I just dont have time and not right for a relationship

Please accept the breakup. Please don't reach out in the new year. She has your contact info.  You seem to date South American women a lot without really understanding their language and culture. 

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, Morello said:

Cmon guys, it was three months. His response was fine. If she was really into him, it would not have been a problem. I doubt she was actually in love as she said (infatuated, yes, but that’s different). She was probably confused herself, hence it feeling out of the blue.

100%. OP is way over-thinking this imo.  As I said, she has most likely moved on and dating another guy as we speak. 

Agree with Wise, please do not send her any messages spilling your feels or HNY or anything else, please.

Best to move on, lesson learned. 

I'm sorry. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, alertingadf said:

 

@yogacat i agree she took a big step saying that. I think my surprise was that I never expected her to say that. She is originally from Colombia (been in the states a couple of years now). So there are some things where she expects male to take lead more. I think this in general was my surprise that she said something like that first. 

What were you doing then dating her if you didn't think she would say something like that? It seems to me that you were not fully prepared to be in a relationship with someone from a different culture and may have had some expectations about how she should act or behave.

[alertingadf]

@rainbowsandroses its very possible she has moved on and with someone else. I stopped looking at her social media. I didnt want to know. Last time I looked she was posting about its not her fault she wants someone to buy her expensive jewelry for Christmas and wanting to go to NYC for Christmas. Then last post I saw was her saying she was in NYC for 1 day/night and stories of going to Dior and Chanel stores. 

Could mean anything and cant say for sure. Probably best if I dont know and why I stopped looking at it because I will see something I dont want to see. 

[alertingadf]

@yogacat not at all on expectations on what I think she should do.I never said anything or suggested she should do x,y,z... That sounds controlling to me.

I always respected if she wanted to go spend time with friends, was busy or whatever. 

 

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, alertingadf said:

@yogacat not at all on expectations on what I think she should do.I never said anything or suggested she should do x,y,z... That sounds controlling to me.

I always respected if she wanted to go spend time with friends, was busy or whatever. 

 

That's not what I am suggesting. If you're dating someone, spending time with them, sleeping with them, surely at some point in that dynamic you must of thought she may have feelings for you. It's not that she "should" say it, but it's a natural expectation that someone you are dating would eventually express their feelings for you. If you were taken by surprise when she said it, it indicates that you weren't expecting her to have those feelings. And if that's the case, then perhaps you weren't fully aware of what it means to be in a relationship with someone.

 

[alertingadf]

@yogacat apologies took your comment differently. We had both expressed feelings for each other and said how much we appreciated each other. So its not to say that never happened. 

I was just surprised she was the first one to offer "I think I am falling in love". It was out of character for her to offer that first.  That was more the surprise. Not that she had feelings. 

We both had feelings for each other. I thought my reply " I have really strong feelings for you too"  was conveying that. I also sent romantic texts to her before this too (not i love you, but other ones that were sweet)

But we are different people both personality and cultural background. 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

We had both expressed feelings for each other and said how much we appreciated each other. So its not to say that never happened. 

I was just surprised she was the first one to offer "I think I am falling in love". It was out of character for her to offer that first.  That was more the surprise. Not that she had feelings. 

We both had feelings for each other. I thought my reply " I have really strong feelings for you too"  was conveying that. I also sent romantic texts to her before this too (not i love you, but other ones that were sweet)

But we are different people both personality and cultural background. 

 

 

I think what happened here was that she took a big step and said something that was out of character for her, and it caught you off guard. To which I would ask, what does her cultural background have to do with her expressing her feelings for you? It shouldn't matter whether she's from or not, the point is that she felt comfortable enough with you to express her feelings, and your surprise suggests that you may not have been fully prepared for that in a relationship. I know it's easy to pin this on cultural differences, but at the root of it, it's about communication and understanding each other's emotions and feelings. If you were truly on the same page with her, her saying "I am falling in love you" wouldn't have been such a surprise.

[alertingadf]

@yogacat I think youre right. It was more out of character for her. And you make a very fair point on your last sentence. 

I also thought my reply to her was conveying the same. But to your last point, maybe that again shows that we were not on same page/communicating well

[Batya33]

I’d strongly advise slowing your roll as far as moving in together. With anyone. Why the rush to share living space and financial stuff ?

[SooSad33]

19 hours ago, alertingadf said:

I keep wondering if I blew this with my response. It was just very fast end to something that seemed really promising.

TLDR: Girlfriend said she loved me, I was little taken back and didnt respond best way,

I doubt your response has anything to do with her.  IMO, she's pulled away, on her own accord, realizing she can't do it, for a number of reasons.

Sorry for your loss.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, alertingadf said:

When she sent the text message to break up, I said I was really confused because things were going well. I texted you even said you think you are falling in love with me so I am surprised by this big reversal. She replied yes and when you said you had strong feelings I decided to pull back and focus on work. 

It seems she was clear that she ended things specifically because of your reply. Could have been other things in addition such as moving in talk (only because your lease is up?) way too soon.

Either way it's unfortunate it ended so soon but after 3 months it's good to know where people stand.

It doesn't matter what culture someone is from, what matters is treating someone you supposedly care about with love and respect, not like a convenience. 

[alertingadf]

I don’t think I ever treated her like she was a convenience or took her for granted. I would often listen to problems, help her out, send her nice messages, and other things. It w a just this one moment ( I think). 
 

in terms of moving in I had mentioned my lease was expiring in couple months and she suggested if things going well to move in and I agreed.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

 It w a just this one moment ( I think). 

I wish I could just say she's flaky, you dodged a bullet. But interestingly you had a very similar situation with a Brazilian woman just a year ago:

 

[alertingadf]

@Wiseman2 you’re right. Very different ending and circumstances but yes. In that time too she was one who brought up moving in. 

[Tinydance]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

That's not what I am suggesting. If you're dating someone, spending time with them, sleeping with them, surely at some point in that dynamic you must of thought she may have feelings for you. It's not that she "should" say it, but it's a natural expectation that someone you are dating would eventually express their feelings for you. If you were taken by surprise when she said it, it indicates that you weren't expecting her to have those feelings. And if that's the case, then perhaps you weren't fully aware of what it means to be in a relationship with someone.

 

But he actually did say he had very strong feelings for her too. She didn't say: "I love you" straight out like that either. I think saying: "I'm falling in love with you" actually is the same as "I have very strong feelings for you". It indicates feelings which are string and growing and can become love.

[Tinydance]

I actually also thought that she might have abandonment issues. I was literally thinking that and then she someone already said that. To me it seems like she put herself out there and was vulnerable. She was expecting some kind of strong response but she didn't get it, so she got scared you weren't as invested and you were going to hurt her. She decided to end it and pull away herself first before you did it. 

I don't really see what you did wrong at all. If anything maybe it was all moving a bit too fast and she wanted it to rush along. Whereas you were the one thinking more clearly. I don't really see why she would end it just because you didn't use the word "love". You were actually acting very serious about her by saying you would even move in with her in a couple of months if all was going well. It's OK to say you love someone after three months but it's also OK if you're not 100% ready to say it yet. Everyone moves at a different pace.

People also have different love languages. Sometimes people get offended that someone else's love language is different to theirs. For example, I love buying gifts for people and that's how I show I care. Other people use words of affirmation and might be always saying things like: "I love you", "You're amazing", "You're my everything", etc. Some people do acts of service and they'll bring you  breakfast in bed, wash your car, walk your dog. That's how they show their love.

You were showing her how much you cared but just because you weren't like: "I LOVE YOU!!" she got scared and ran away.

 

[alertingadf]

@Tinydance its possible. Her parents divorced when she was young. She also got divorced after a marriage of year and half. But she also initiated that divorce. She said she learned more about her ex-husband when they were married that she wasnt aware of. She didnt live with him prior to getting married. 

So I dont think necessarily abandonment from that. But she did tell me stories from her ex husband how he was more verbally abusive to her (granted I am only getting her side of story but I believed her). 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, alertingadf said:

@Tinydance its possible. Her parents divorced when she was young. She also got divorced after a marriage of year and half. But she also initiated that divorce. She said she learned more about her ex-husband when they were married that she wasnt aware of. She didnt live with him prior to getting married. 

So I dont think necessarily abandonment from that. But she did tell me stories from her ex husband how he was more verbally abusive to her (granted I am only getting her side of story but I believed her). 

How long ago did she separate from her ex-husband? If it hadn't been that long then maybe she just has a lot of trauma to deal with. In any case I think she's got some issues and that's why she behaved the way she did. 

[alertingadf]

divorce was finalized earlier this year. they separated a little more than a year ago

[yogacat]

10 hours ago, alertingadf said:

@yogacat I think youre right. It was more out of character for her. And you make a very fair point on your last sentence. 

I also thought my reply to her was conveying the same. But to your last point, maybe that again shows that we were not on same page/communicating well

I think so too.

That's a big part of it, being able to communicate feelings clearly and effectively. When you said that you had strong feelings for her, did you feel in that moment that you were falling in love with her? If so, then that's something you could have communicated to her. If not, then it might have been important to tell her that you're not at that point yet, but you are open to exploring your feelings and see where they go. That might have eased her concerns and helped her understand where you're at in the relationship.

I think she was confused because you're both making these future plans and meeting family and friends, so she expected that you were on the same page emotionally. But when you didn't say you were falling in love with her, it probably was surprising for her because actions and words often go hand in hand when it comes to love.

A bit off topic but it could shed some additional light.

Do you happen to be the same member who posted in this thread too?

I'm curious because in another forum, this thread (and yours) were both posted within the same discussion, and it seemed to be from the same member. If that's the case, it could present a different perspective. 

My apologies if I am mistaken.