Girlfriend said she was falling in love with me and I had poor response

[alertingadf]

Little context: We (M 38/F34)had been dating for almost 3 months now. There were never any issues and everything was easy and flowing really well. We even commented it seemed like we had been dating longer than we had and had talks about future.

We were watching a movie when she told me "I think I am falling in love with you". I was surprised by this statement. I instantly responded back without thinking "I have really strong feelings for you too". There was an initial small reaction to that but we embraced and  everything seemed fine at first. And to be honest, I thought I was responding with a similar statement. 

Over the next week, she told me where she wanted to go for her birthday in March and I met her nephew for the first time. However, I started to notice she was contacting me a little less. We were talking everyday and exchanging messages. But from her end it was slowing down and I was always the one calling. She then canceled our date night and said she was just too tired and wanted to reschedule. This was not super surprising because she was working a ton of hours of late and got scheduled for more. She has been working a ton of hours in general.

However, the next day she text messaged me: I am just too busy for a relationship right now and you deserve someone who can spend more time with you, go on trips together. I dont want to bring you into my mess more because you will end up miserable because I just dont have time and not right for a relationship
Even with the change in behavior, this was surprising because how well things had been going in our relationship. 

 I tried to text her back asking for more info. She responded a day later saying she is sorry I am a great person but its just not right timing and she wants to end it now before its miserable. She agreed to do a call with me but then never answered her phone. I messaged her back I am happy to accommodate my schedule and sent her flowers. I never heard back. 

I sent flowers one more time and she responded to me. We talked on the phone for 4 days straight with each conversation getting a little longer each time (but about basic life things) and then I asked her if she would be open to talking over coffee. She agreed. When that day came I texted to confirm but heard nothing and she never showed up. I messaged her that I was confused and she replied back sorry i was sick the other day and today I just have been super busy running around. 

At this point, I feel the relationship is over. However, I keep wondering if I blew this with my response. It was just very fast end to something that seemed really promising.

TLDR: Girlfriend said she loved me, I was little taken back and didnt respond best way, she breaks up with me soon after

[Kwothe28]

31 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

At this point, I feel the relationship is over. However, I keep wondering if I blew this with my response.

I dont think so. I also dont think your response warrants her not answering a phone, and certanly not warrants her not even canceling nore showing up for a coffee date. Thats just bad behavior.

To be perfectly clear, I think its fine if she doesnt want to continue. After 3 months, some things become more clear, you take rose-colored glasses and assess if you want to continue further. She just doesnt from some reason. And that is fine and you should respect that. Its just that her behavior afterward is attrocius. Also, you sending 2 flowers buckets just so she would respond to you? Dont chase people who dont want to even hear from you. As you can see its not worth it. 

[alertingadf]

@Kwothe28 i know she really likes flowers and make her happy. I also sent them because I recall when we first started dating she said if we ever broke up would I try to win her back. It wasnt phrased exactly like that but something to that extent. I wanted to show I was serious about her and that maybe it was just a miscommunication on my part

[yogacat]

How is it that in 2022 you were a year older? 🤔

[Andrina]

59 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

I have really strong feelings for you too

I'm trying to make sense of your timeline, since you're going all the way back to March and now it's December.

Don't beat yourself up about that response. It was fine. If a woman, after only 90 days of dating, was actually triggered to break up with you after that response, her expectations were too high. 

And if you mean after a full year together, she broke up by text, that shows her character which is pretty crappy.

31 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

I recall when we first started dating she said if we ever broke up would I try to win her back.

Sounds like teen nonsense. 

What is the lesson learned? Without equal effort, you're wasting your time on someone who isn't prioritizing you. That's the time to call it quits since as you see, one-sided effort and chasing and wooing gets you nowhere. Chasing someone means they are running away from you like you're toxic fumes. Hold out for the person who shows you how much she cares.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, alertingadf said:

We were watching a movie when she told me "I think I am falling in love with you". I was surprised by this statement. I instantly responded back without thinking "I have really strong feelings for you too". There was an initial small reaction to that 

Do you believe she's actually that busy or it was a way to end the relationship because she was hurt by what you said? What , exactly was her reaction? It seems like you tried to make it up to her but maybe it was a little late.

Your reply wasn't as bad as "thank you", but if she's been seeing you regularly, sleeping with you and opened her heart to you, it was a pretty icy noncommittal reply. 

[Cookie24]

As a woman who's the same age as her, your response was just fine. However, I believe she has abandonment issues. You have actually hit the mark of 2-3 months during which people with abandonment issues start to pull away, question their feelings and sabotage the relationship. You might want to learn more about the fearful avoidant attachment style because she seems to fit the description. 

I had something similar happen to me just yesterday and decided to end things. Things were going great with this guy, and then he stated pulling away. I knew before hand he had abandonment issues, but didn't give it much attention and I wish I did. I ended things and he welcomed the decision saying that "he feels confused and it's not me.. it him." 

If you're willing to work things out, go ahead but are you alright with the idea of probably going through this over and over again in the future? Relationships require equal effort, and this lady isn't doing any at all. 

I'd say move on and grant her her wish. Maybe she would realize her mistake and come back to you, and only then you get to decide whether you want her back or not. 

Don't let anyone instill and kinds of negative feelings in you (in this case it's regret and doubt). You did fine. Take a step back and give it some time and see how things unfold. If things are meant to be, they will. 

Good luck. 

[Batya33]

I don’t think she necessarily has issues. She might have regretted what she said whether she really felt that way or not and who knows maybe she got advice from a friend and or met someone else /reconciled with an ex. Anything can happen. I’d have moved on after the first lame excuse she gave. I’m sorry you’re disappointed 

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, alertingadf said:

if we ever broke up would I try to win her back

I think she is testing you. I agree with @Cookie24, she sounds like a woman with abandonment issues. She confessed she was falling in love with you, and she maybe hoped for more from you. Also the 3 month deadline is something people struggle to overcome when they are afraid of rejection. They rather pull away than let their significant other do it. (I'm telling you because somehow I have been there) 

What I suggest in your case, is you keep texting her from time to times, asking how she is doing, wishing her happy holidays, just let her some time, a few days/weeks to calm down. And if she still responds to your texts, then you know that she didn't loose interest yet. Just be here, but not too pushy, be consistent through time, show her that she is important to you. 

I could be wrong, but this my take on it! 

Wishing you a merry Christmas!!

[alertingadf]

@Wiseman2 there was an intial little reaction from my reply but everything seemed fine. Honestly, I thought I was communicating the same thing and only until it was after that I realized she was upset  with my reply. 

I met her nephew for first time after and we talked about her birthday. I assumed everything was fine at the time until all of a sudden she was contacting me less and i wasnt sure why. I asked her is everything ok via text and she said yes.

 

 

[alertingadf]

@Andrina this is 90 days. Well I guess less that but still the timeframe. It felt like more because we would talk everyday. Whether that was meeting up in person or talking on the phone each day.

[alertingadf]

@Cookie24 youre right I have regret and doubt from this. Even feel a little guilty that I potentially messed something up. But perhaps youre right that stepping back makes sense.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, alertingadf said:

I sent flowers one more time and she responded to me. We talked on the phone for 4 days straight with each conversation getting a little longer each time (but about basic life things) and then I asked her if she would be open to talking over coffee. She agreed. When that day came I texted to confirm but heard nothing and she never showed up. 

Bolded, that's just flat out rude and disrespectful and should have been a dealbreaker right then and there.  Unless she had a plausible reason which I gather she did not.

She didn't even have the courtesy to text/call, she just decided to not show up.

Dealbreaker and wondering what story you told yourself that made it okay in your mind. 

Your response was fine at three months.  Given her behavior in the week that followed (talking every night, making future plans with you, etc), her ending your relationship is not related to your response. 

Not directly. 

Had you and she discussed exclusivity?  If not, what possibly may have happened (keep in mind I'm speculating but it's possible), is that she took your response as being somewhat non-committal and chose to explore other options.

And as such, she began talking to other men, meeting other men and has since started dating another man (or men) and you're out.  This may even be the reason she stood you up. 

Again speculation but possible and imo quite likely especially if you had not discussed exclusivity. 

Please stop chasing her and apologizing.  You did nothing wrong and the flowers and everything else makes you appear like a bit of a chump, I'm sorry. 

She's made her decision and it's best to leave her alone and begin the process of moving on yourself.

Everything happens for a reason, and no matter what that reason is which we many never know, it's always for the best and paves the way for a new and better experience(s).

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Better for you to be honest

She layed it out and didn't like the response.

 

Let her go

[yogacat]

It is good that she knew you weren't on the same page and she can peacefully move on from you without spending more time and energy trying to woo you.

The truth is that you simply didn’t feel the same way about her when she said it, and all she can do is take your words (or lack thereof) at face value instead of making assumptions to believe what she wants to think.

What did you feel should have happened? That she sit and tell herself “maybe in a few months he will change his mind?”

Give her time to get over it and move on. Maybe down the road the two of you can be friends.

By being honest with her, you've given her the opportunity to find someone who does feel the same way about her.

Her bond with you would never be the same and maybe she would stop talking to you like she did because one-sided love in a relationship can torment you.

She needed to respect your feelings and your decision. It's not easy to put yourself out there and confess your love to someone, but at least she had the courage to do so. Instead of being angry, try to see things from her perspective.

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 hours ago, alertingadf said:

@Kwothe28 i know she really likes flowers and make her happy. I also sent them because I recall when we first started dating she said if we ever broke up would I try to win her back. It wasnt phrased exactly like that but something to that extent. I wanted to show I was serious about her and that maybe it was just a miscommunication on my part

This is dysfunctional though, not romantic. And it shouldn’t be normalized 

 

in a healthy relationship there is communication, not avoidance. She’s made every effort to dodge you and then you’ve chased her.  A healthy partner would make space for communication and if they don’t, the other healthy partner would recognize that behavior as dysfunctional and move on with someone who had the tools to cultivate health. 

[catfeeder]

I think she demonstrates the exact level of stability to be expected from one who professes love so early.

And while watching a movie.

That kinda says, "~ Boing! ~" to me.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, alertingadf said:

 she told me "I think I am falling in love with you". I was surprised by this statement. I instantly responded back without thinking "I have really strong feelings for you too". 

After dating 3 months, being intimate and talking about future plans why was this surprising? 

[alertingadf]

@yogacat I thought at time I was responding with similar declaration of feelings. We had often talked about future.

@Wiseman2

It surprised me because it was during middle of watching a movie she just said it. Not necessarily the timing just out of the blue. I would have chose different words in hindsight  but felt I was expressing similar at the time

 

I am not angry per se but just wish we had a chance to talk through this. I didn’t realize how much this impacted her. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Had you and she discussed exclusivity?

OP, can you answer this?  

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

It surprised me because it was during middle of watching a movie she just said it. Not necessarily the timing just out of the blue. I would have chose different words in hindsight  but felt I was expressing similar at the time.

So you don't feel it was a poor response or you do? Would you rather believe your statement was fine and she's just busy?

  It seems like you're trying to backtrack after she told you it's not working out.  She was trying to avoid confrontation but you were quite persistent. Just because you wanted to see her again, it's  doesn't mean she wanted to rehash the break-up. 

You stated you talked quite a bit afterward and made plans etc. so it's unclear what really happened.  Please work on your communication skills. She doesn't need a formal setting to express feelings.  Perhaps reflect why after 3 months dating, being intimate, talking about the future why you were so cold when she opened up to you. It seems like you don't love her and panicked when she ended things as a result. 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

I am not angry per se but just wish we had a chance to talk through this. I didn’t realize how much this impacted her.

You're overthinking this.  Honestly, I don't think it impacted her as much as you think or as much as you want it to impact her 

It was only three months and unless you respond otherwise, you had not yet even discussed exclusivity.

Again your response was non-committal so she's looking elsewhere. She may even be dating another man right now.

She was not in love with you, and frankly it sounds like her "I think I'm falling in love with you" was a **** test to gauge your commitment level.

You weren't on the same page and perhaps you should consider that the only reason why this is affecting you the way it is now is because you don't have her.

That's not love which is cherishing what you DO have and wanting to commit, but rather longing which is craving and obsessing about what you DON'T have, which is what you're now. 

Something to consider?

 

 

 

 

[alertingadf]

@Wiseman2 in the moment, no, I did not think it was a poor response. From further reflection and talking with people, I can see how it came off as one (and obviously what happened). I dont believe she is just busy. We were both busy before but things were working out well. Maybe that means I need to  communicate better because in my head I thought I was expressing something similar. I guess I wish we had a chance to talk about it and  I think was why I was hoping to rehash with her and thought that would be better in person vs on the phone.

 

@rainbowsandroses I had mentioned to her that I had deleted dating apps (we met through one). However, I dont think I specifically said "so we are exclusive right?".

I have thought that through... if am I going through longing/missing comfortability or love. However, I did really cherish what we had going on. 

But all of this makes me feel guilty or wish I had been more clear. I obviously miss her, but really miss the moments we had/plans we had for future. Seems really sad that through some quick statements that this appears to no longer be. Perhaps this will just be a really tough lesson that I will need to learn from and not repeat in the future.

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

Perhaps this will just be a really tough lesson that I will need to learn from and not repeat in the future

I think this is a tough lesson for many people to learn.

From what I've observed and even in some of my own relationships, we coast along going through the motions sometimes not even knowing what we feel or what we want.

Then suddenly and without warning, our partner ends the relationship and BAM, suddenly we have so much clarity!  We realize we love this person, we want to commit to this person. 

But the question remains - why does such clarity arrive after our partner ends the relationship?  Why does it take them leaving to realize this?

My take is for her, it wasn't just that one incident.  She may have felt you're weren't "all in" for awhile..  Your response simply confirmed for her what she had already been feeling for awhile, that you just weren't on the same page. 

You say you were, so if I may ask, why did you not ever communicate that to her?

Why did it take her leaving for you to realize this? 

Is this a pattern for you that happened in other relationships? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

.Maybe that means I need to  communicate better because in my head I thought I was expressing something similar

3 months in and sleeping together and making future plans is a fine time for her to express herself and gauge your response. Not many women want to continue to sleep with and invest in men who are just "meh" about them and coasting along.

She didn't ask you for a kidney, she open her heart to you and your response was cold and non-committal. In a relationship it's important to be able to communicate appropriately, freely and with affection and emotional intelligence

 You can blame her for being "rude",  because she wouldn't have coffee, but perhaps work on the emotional constipation and withholding.