Can anybody help me understand my female colleque?

[Munster]

Hi all!

 

Sometimes I tend to overthink things in general, but this colleague of mine is really giving me a hard time. I liked her from the start because she has a very beautiful smile and just seems to be a very lovely person. We don't work close to each other, we just see each other when we walk by or from a distance. I showed some confidence and she was obviously attracted to that; she started to make eye contact with me, obvious eye contact - not the casual kind - so I started to strike up a conversation with her every time we met, asking her something about herself and so on. She always answered at length, but never asked anything back and was always in a bit of a hurry, which didn't make me think too much, because from observation I thought she was kind of shy, or at least she was around me, and of course she had to get back to work.

 

At one point I gave her a sincere compliment which made her blush and smile a lot. She seemed to like it and in the following days we flirted a bit and I told her that I would like to talk to her more often and not just for a moment and that's where I personally think I started to screw up: She came very close to me with an open body language, looked me deep in the eyes and told me that she felt the same way. Looking back, I think she wanted me to ask her out at that moment, or at least make some kind of suggestion for some alone time, but I didn't for two reasons: 1. I wanted to take it slow because dating a work colleague can be critical (it wasn't like we'd been talking for weeks and months) and 2. My self-confidence kind of disappeared and I got nervous.

 

At first it felt like she was still attracted to me, I caught her looking at me all the time when we were in the same room, but then her behaviour changed: she still looked at me, but it was not the same: it was cold, almost like she was angry with me, and then she started demonstratively ignoring me, I mean obviously demonstratively: Even when I was in her line of sight, she tried very hard to avoid any eye contact.

 

Maybe I should have backed off for a while at this point but with the Christmas holidays coming up I decided to make a move because I still thought I had messed up by not being direct and confident enough to ask her out and at the next opportunity I opened up about my interest in her, that I would like to get to know her better after the holidays but unfortunately I was weak again; I like her and she made me nervous again and things didn't come out of my mouth the way I intended.

 

Then she suddenly said, "But I've got a boyfriend. She rejected me. Of course I respected her answer and continued to be friendly, but the boyfriend thing was weird because I talked to her about her weekends and she never mentioned a "we" or that she had someone with her; it was always just "I". So I think she was just trying to tell me that she wasn't interested in me, or that she just didn't know what to say to my stammering at that moment, or that she needed space and that "but I have a boyfriend" thing was the first thing that came to mind. I guess a lot of girls are used to being hit on a lot, so that's their standard line to get rid of men, and that's exactly how it sounded, like I was a complete stranger hitting on her in the street that she wanted to get rid of.

 

I know a lot of people would tell me this now: She rejected you, move on and meet other woman, but I'm not a pick-up artist and I don't want to be one. Of course you always have to be careful that nobody is playing games with you and not get too attached to one person, but I still think she is a lovely character. We work with children and I see every day how she behaves around them and I just love it.

 

My personal opinion is that since she is shy around men she likes, she just can't handle men being shy around her; I think she needs a confident and direct approach and unfortunately I couldn't provide that due to my nervousness and she lost interest. Now she smiles at me from a distance every now and then, but that's about it.

 

Maybe it's a male illusion, but I like to think that she wants to challenge me, that she wants me to bring back the confident self I showed at the beginning, and I want to do that; I'd even appreciate it if she challenged me in that way, but maybe I'm just not able to see the truth: that she has no romantic interest in me. The thing is, I'm pretty sure I attracted her once and I want to do it again. Of course, I'm going to give her space and not pursue her aggressively, but I'm not ready to give up on her yet because I don't believe this boyfriend thing and I really like her. What do you guys think?

 

Thanks to all of you who read my text to the end! If anyone has any advice for me or can help me understand this woman, it would be much appreciated!

[smackie9]

She rejected you....end of. 

[Munster]

Thx for your opinion! One question since I'm new here and I don't know you. Is this a female or a male opinion?

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Munster said:

 Then she suddenly said, "But I've got a boyfriend. 

It seems like you tried and she gave you a definitive answer. All you can do is be polite and more professional at work. Keep in mind many people don't want to get involved in workplace romances, and that's a good policy.

Please try dating women outside of work. For example dating apps are a collection of single people looking to meet and date. The workplace is not a singles club and the reason people go there is to get a paycheck. 

[Munster]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you tried and she gave you a definitive answer. All you can do is be polite and more professional at work. Keep in mind many people don't want to get involved in workplace romances, and that's a good policy.

Please try dating women outside of work. For example dating apps are a collection of single people looking to meet and date. This workplace is not a singles club and the reason people go there is to get a paycheck. 

Thank you! I will be polite and professional. The work situation is something I've also thought about; why I hesitated, but I'm also no friend of this non-believing mentality. Most things in life come with the ability to believe in yourself and the thinking is: I know I attracted her once and I think I know why. So I think I could attract her again if I could get rid of the things that put her off, because as I wrote: I think I know what put her off and those are things I'd like to get rid of for myself anyway. Of course it shouldn't just be about her, but if I can believe in myself, then anything is possible. The challenge is to believe in myself as much as possible. Dating in the meantime and exploring other options is something one should do, of course.

[Munster]

Would really like to hear a female opinion on this one!

[boltnrun]

You don't know anything other than what she told you.  In essence, she said "no thank you."

If you continue to pursue you run the risk of professional consequences.  Remember, "no" means "no", no matter how you want to try spin it.

Please respect her response and don't try to pursue her anymore.

I am female and if I said "I have a boyfriend" to a man it does NOT mean "continue to pursue me" or "change your approach and I'll say yes".  It means I am not available.

[Munster]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You don't know anything other than what she told you.  In essence, she said "no thank you."

If you continue to pursue you run the risk of professional consequences.  Remember, "no" means "no", no matter how you want to try spin it.

Please respect her response and don't try to pursue her anymore.

I am female and if I said "I have a boyfriend" to a man it does NOT mean "continue to pursue me" or "change your approach and I'll say yes".  It means I am not available.

Thx! I said I won't pursue her anymore. If there's a chance of re-attraction it should be "naturally".

[Jaunty]

You are drastically overthinking and also, I fear, have misread this woman from the beginning.

You start right off with "she was obviously attracted" to you or things about you.

Sorry, but there's a very good chance that you were getting things wrong.

Also - it's very good to "believe in yourself as much as possible."   This does not translate into believing things you are telling yourself about a virtual stranger and their thoughts, motives, attractions, etc.  

Anyway, keep on believing in yourself and move all the way on from considering this woman as a potential date.

 

[boltnrun]

53 minutes ago, Munster said:

Thx! I said I won't pursue her anymore. If there's a chance of re-attraction it should be "naturally".

What plans do you have for "re-attracting" her?

 

3 hours ago, Munster said:

I like to think that she wants to challenge me, that she wants me to bring back the confident self I showed at the beginning, and I want to do that

I don't know where you got that idea from but saying "I have a boyfriend" doesn't translate to "please act confident and I'll be attracted to you".

But I see you said you "like to think that", so at least you acknowledge this is something you want to be true but know it likely isn't.

[Munster]

37 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You are drastically overthinking and also, I fear, have misread this woman from the beginning.

You start right off with "she was obviously attracted" to you or things about you.

Sorry, but there's a very good chance that you were getting things wrong.

Also - it's very good to "believe in yourself as much as possible."   This does not translate into believing things you are telling yourself about a virtual stranger and their thoughts, motives, attractions, etc.  

Anyway, keep on believing in yourself and move all the way on from considering this woman as a potential date.

 

I know I'm overthinking things, but it's also a process of self-reflection.

I'm aware that there's a possibility that I misread her, but if I did, she must have a serious problem with a lot of guys misreading her.

[Coily]

I think this is another case of misreading her, without knowing it.

Short story long: Her actions and body language were meant as friendly and polite; she probably thinks of you as a safe colleague to be around, thus smiles more and is warmer. We men (Ok I know I have) read this as her being interested romantically; rather than relaxed and comfortable (maybe too comfortable). There are some women who don't know/care that they are being perceived as opening that flirting door by being warm and friendly. A lot of men, because of the structure of human social interactions, will take a smile and a look from a woman as her eyeing you up for a date.

So mark this down as lesson learned and option explored, there is nothing wrong with asking. Now you can relax and just be yourself around her, she said no, now you can find a woman worth your time.

[boltnrun]

I've had men at work assume I'm romantically interested in them because I was friendly toward them.  It got to the point where I almost had to be rude so that none of them tried to cozy up to me or ask for my phone number.  Then I was assumed to be a <female dog> or "frigid" or stuck up and full of myself. 

It's not an easy line to walk.

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, Munster said:

I know I'm overthinking things, but it's also a process of self-reflection.

I'm aware that there's a possibility that I misread her, but if I did, she must have a serious problem with a lot of guys misreading her.

It’s not a problem. Because if a man misreads her and asks her out she’ll say no. Problem solved. If man continues that’s his problem. If she’s overly flirtatious she simply will either keep saying no or change her behavior if it’s annoying. I’ve been asked out when I was friendly only and even when I mentioned my boyfriend.  

[catfeeder]

The thing about work connections is that they’re rarely about just the two people. There are inputs from others, whether that’s fair or not.

I once consulted at a company where most colleagues had known one another for many years. So when a guy I found attractive asked me to lunch, I joined him and had a great time despite finding it a bit of a 70’s throwback that he ordered alcohol, and more than one, during a time when we’d need to return to the office. On my return each of my teammates discussed what we did for lunch, and when I mentioned the guy, each went silent. Later, each approached me to warn privately that the guy was nice but usually drunk. He had not lost his job due to family connections in the industry.

Another time I met a man who I could tell was very interested in me but suddenly went ‘polite’. I had lunch with his teammate after his retirement years later and she flat out yelled, “My god! I thought you were married! Greg wanted to ask you out, but I told him you were married!”

So we can’t always know what influences others to pursue or not pursue, and colleagues often protect their sources of information. So saying, “I’m in a relationship’ is a pretty foolproof way of shutting down someone without revealing a reason.

[Munster]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What plans do you have for "re-attracting" her?

It's not about focusing on her, it's about focusing on myself and growing for myself; dealing with the issues I've discovered in the process. I can only attract her again from a distance by simply being a better version of myself. Then I'll see if she wants to talk to me again, and if she does, I'll just try to be a good man by listening to her and asking her questions about herself and making her laugh. That's it.

[Munster]

44 minutes ago, Coily said:

I think this is another case of misreading her, without knowing it.

Short story long: Her actions and body language were meant as friendly and polite; she probably thinks of you as a safe colleague to be around, thus smiles more and is warmer. We men (Ok I know I have) read this as her being interested romantically; rather than relaxed and comfortable (maybe too comfortable). There are some women who don't know/care that they are being perceived as opening that flirting door by being warm and friendly. A lot of men, because of the structure of human social interactions, will take a smile and a look from a woman as her eyeing you up for a date.

So mark this down as lesson learned and option explored, there is nothing wrong with asking. Now you can relax and just be yourself around her, she said no, now you can find a woman worth your time.

Thank you! These are the kind of comments you like to read when such things have happend.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Munster said:

I know a lot of people would tell me this now: She rejected you, move on and meet other woman, but I'm not a pick-up artist

It doesnt take a pick up artist to take a hint and move on. As one of my friends says, "If she doesnt want me, eh, somebody else will". And he is by no means "Casanova". Just has a healthier atitude toward aproaching women and dating. 

[Munster]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I've had men at work assume I'm romantically interested in them because I was friendly toward them.  It got to the point where I almost had to be rude so that none of them tried to cozy up to me or ask for my phone number.  Then I was assumed to be a <female dog> or "frigid" or stuck up and full of myself. 

It's not an easy line to walk.

I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not that kind of person. I liked her from the first moment I saw her because of her charisma and I did not try to get close to her because I thought she gave me romantic vibes - that developed later. I just liked her and wanted to get to know her and I would never speak badly about her because she rejected me.

[Munster]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

It doesnt take a pick up artist to take a hint and move on. As one of my friends says, "If she doesnt want me, eh, somebody else will". And he is by no means "Casanova". Just has a healthier atitude toward aproaching women and dating. 

I understand that and for sure it's a healthy attitude but it's also kind of a superficial approach because not everybody is sure about his or her feelings at the start of a relationchip. Of course, if these girls show a bad attitude, then screw em' but sometimes it's also good to give people some space if you care about them.

[Munster]

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not a problem. Because if a man misreads her and asks her out she’ll say no. Problem solved. If man continues that’s his problem. If she’s overly flirtatious she simply will either keep saying no or change her behavior if it’s annoying. I’ve been asked out when I was friendly only and even when I mentioned my boyfriend.  

Well, if you not have a problem with getting hit on constantly, yes, then it's no problem.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Munster said:

I know I'm overthinking things, but it's also a process of self-reflection.

Self reflection is good. But you are projecting your reflections onto another person here.  Not so good.

1 hour ago, Munster said:

I'm aware that there's a possibility that I misread her, but if I did, she must have a serious problem with a lot of guys misreading her.

That's projection as well.  You "read" her, whether you got it right or not.  This doesn't have anything to do with how other guys would take how she looked, acted, or what she said. 

She evidently has a boyfriend, so her communication with at least that one man must be reasonably on point.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Munster said:

 I'm also no friend of this non-believing mentality. Most things in life come with the ability to believe in yourself and the thinking is: I know I attracted her once and I think I know why. 

Please understand that the workplace is not a laboratory to try out pickup artist techniques.

There's nothing to "re-attract" here because 1.She has a BF and 2.She's a coworker. If you would like to hone your dating skills be confident and secure and do it on your own time. Not on company time. 

. Practicing on female coworkers who are there because they're making a living could give you a bad reputation as the workplace wolf. 

Join some groups and clubs volunteer get involved in sports and fitness take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons and have fun meeting like-minded people and talking to women in those settings.

Additionally get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. 

[Munster]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

That's projection as well.  You "read" her, whether you got it right or not.  This doesn't have anything to do with how other guys would take how she looked, acted, or what she said. 

Well, I don't know what it's like to be a woman, but I do know a bit about men. She is definitely attractive and when she walks around smiling at people the way she smiled at me, the guys line up behind her and never give her a moment to herself anymore. I can tell you that.

[Kwothe28]

19 minutes ago, Munster said:

I understand that and for sure it's a healthy attitude but it's also kind of a superficial approach because not everybody is sure about his or her feelings at the start of a relationchip.

Its not superficial approach to just move on from somebody who told you she got a boyfriend. That is not "Not sure about her feelings", that is straight up "I got somebody else already". And you should honor that and move on. Instead of thinking how she is stil interested. No. She literally told you she is not.