how can i get over my boyfriend's past?

[NORMANmfingROCKWELL]

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year now. most of it's been really great, but i'll go into that later.

there is a very large, clear gap between our romantic and sexual experiences. including each other, my body count is 2. his is 12. this was not too much of an issue to me when he first told me; of course, i was a little bit insecure, but it was manageable, and i was okay with letting someone more experienced guide me through my first serious sexual relationship. however, i slowly started to take more of an issue/become more insecure about his past.

some details i've uncovered:

• he cheated on his first serious girlfriend. the only girl he's dated longer than me. he cheated on her, and then dated the girl he cheated on her with for a bit. he admitted he cheated on his first serious girlfriend to me, but omitted some of the details, and my omitted he lied. i had no clue he dated the girl he cheated with, or that he straight up had sex with her either. i was told they just talked.

• after dating his affair partner, he cheated on the next girlfriend.

• after this, he realized his faults (somewhat), and set to treat his next few girlfriends right.

• ...however, he did have a porn problem in all of his relationships, leading up to ours. he cut the habit for me.

• i also know way too much about his hookups. including sleeping with a few married women and/or strippers. he bragged to me about how a woman left her husband for him (it was an unstable, young adult/recent high school grad marriage, but still.)

why do i know way too much? well let me tell you... at the beginning of our relationship, he had a habit of bragging. naturally, i was curious about his past, especially since it's more colorful than mine, and he took the opportunity to brag. genuinely bragging, like, trying to make himself seem cool. being straight up disrespectful to these women he's been with in the past. for example, he told me, and i quote "i ***ed that *** in the same bed her husband did." he bragged about making previous girls orgasm multiple times. he exclusively referred to a lot of past experiences as "***es, ***, etc..." he even made up a few things, like having a threesome!

and if the way too detailed, grossly relayed stories didn't make me feel bad enough, a little less than a month into us dating, he told me he's "had better head from more mentally ill ***es before" right after i gave him head and joked that i'm mentally ill and that made it good.

he knows all of this hurt me. all of these things i've listed were stories he embellished in the first month of our relationship. but it's seriously damaged me in indescribable ways. i told him how it made me feel and he stopped. he's expressed sincere regret over everything- he told me he's had more bad experiences than good, and girls have made him feel bad about himself, and he just wanted to feel good about himself and somehow impress me. he's acknowledged how deeply this hurt me. he's taken it back, said i'm truly the best and that he treasures me, he was just an idiot who didn't know what he was talking about and who didn't realize how great i am. it's been nearly a year, and he's a different person now (we're both different people, in the sense that we got comfortable in the relationship and fell in love), things are great, i'm treated like i'm gold, we have great sex and he worships me and thinks im beautiful and sexy and blah blah...but these things he said to me at the beginning of the relationship, when i was most impressionable...they still hurt. bad.

to put things in to my perspective: i had sex with one person before him. one time. i was still a newbie not only to sex, but to relationships in general. i was naturally a little curious, i never expected the infodumping. i was a little insecure over his considerably higher body count, since i wanted to feel special, but it was easy to overlook. but he painted such a vivid picture for me, for a lot of these past experiences. he's taken his words back now, put some things more into context, explained that he embellished a lot and most things weren't as good as he made them out to be, but it still disturbs me every now and then. it haunted me at the beginning. i didn't feel good enough. he said he bragged because he didn't feel good enough, and by trying to make himself feel better, he made me feel horrible. i became somewhat hypersexual, because i felt i had to be to please him. i'd try to fulfill every possible role i could in the bedroom to please him, so he wouldn't think of anyone else or want anyone else or compare me.

i developed a bad habit of looking through his phone. i know it's bad, but he breached my trust by watching porn ( i know a lot of you are okay with it, and that's fine, but as for our relationship, we explicitly agreed to not watch it, and he'd even get paranoid and hypocritically accuse me of watching it sometimes!), and with al those details he shared... i felt like i had to look. and each time i've looked, i've found stuff. old tinder screenshots. him talking about his exes. old screenshots of conversations with exes. a picture of a stripper he slept with and a few past fwbs. i even found out he stayed in contact with the girl he cheated on his first serious girlfriend with up until a month before we met! (the first girlfriend was about 3 years before me) they're old, so it was easy for him to forget, so i don't think he intentionally kept these. but after the first time i asked him to please remove these really old things about past women from his phone, i still kept finding more, i had to ask about three times before he finally went through and cleared his phone.

as i've said, we've talked about all this, and he's sincerely apologized and expressed remorse. these things weigh a little less heavy over me now, but i still feel bad about it. he's a completely different person with me now than he was at the beginning of our relationship, and than he was in the past. he's said i've truly changed him and made him want to be better. but it's so hard to consolidate these two versions of my boyfriend, because, to be frank, he used to be quite a ***ty person with an alarming attitude towards women.

how can i get over this? how can i consolidate these multiple versions of my boyfriend in my head?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year now. , he used to be quite a ***ty person with an alarming attitude towards women.how can i get over this?

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Please trust your instincts. He has a seriously degraded view of women and sexuality. He seems to have his mind stuck in a porn world. 

Please go to a clinic/doctor and get tested for STDs. Please consider talking to a therapist about your experience and sorting out what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Please stop having sex with this pervert. Tell him it's not working out then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

to be frank, he used to be quite a ***ty person with an alarming attitude towards women.

From what you described, he still is that. Especially with his bedroom behavior. 

People dont change that much. Person who brags how he cheated every woman he has been with, would have no problem repeating that to you. Person who is abusive toward you(and yes, he was abusive with his comments) will not hesitate to do it again next time he wants to be abusive. "But he/she changed" is a common narrative in an abusive relationships. And you should walk away before he does more damage to you and your mental health. Because all you described, including you feeling inadequate and blaming yourself, is something he created with his abuse. 

[Batya33]

I don’t have an issue with his number. You two have different values and you react by violating his privacy.  He values objectifying women and lying to get sex and prioritizes bragging over your feelings. Why would you associate with him let alone romantically??

[smackie9]

When I see "cheating" come up more than once in a post, that tells me you are in a relationship with a person of poor values. He only cares about himself, and knows the power of manipulation by telling a woman what they want to hear. Get out now!

[Andrina]

Yuck. If he's your idea of a prized lifetime partner, I'm questioning what the hell you think of yourself to think that's all you deserve.

[itsallgrand]

This is hard to read because this guy is destroying your self worth. It breaks my heart this is becoming your prototype of what a relationship is!

You don't get over it, you listen to your self and everything in you is screaming get away from this dude. Why is pleasing him more important to you than self preservation and what would be good for you? 

I also agree with what everyone else has said. 

[NORMANmfingROCKWELL]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Please trust your instincts. He has a seriously degraded view of women and sexuality. He seems to have his mind stuck in a porn world. 

Please go to a clinic/doctor and get tested for STDs. Please consider talking to a therapist about your experience and sorting out what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Please stop having sex with this pervert. Tell him it's not working out then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

thank you for your comment. he is 21. i agree that he has a twisted view of women, i wouldn't say he is stuck in a porn world however. i know a replies are saying "he's changed" is a victim mentality and not true, but i personally do believe it to be true. he stopped porn completely because he says he saw how much he hurt me, and he never wanted to do that again, and it made him realize how much i meant to him (this was about 2 months in to our relationship). since then, we've had honest conversations and he seems to have reflected. he admitted he had a genuine problem, and that he knew porn is nothing like real life and it was just a really bad habit. though that didn't excuse him breaching my trust, but i digress, i already went in on that. he told me that ever since he quit, he feels closer to me and like our relationship has improved. i genuinely agree, as i feel like we got closer after that.

to elaborate on the twisted view of women, ever since the porn incident and ever since i truly let him know how all that bragging made me feel, he's been incredibly careful so as to not make me think he even looks at any other women, because he doesn't want me to worry about that. but he goes too far. he calls other women typical degrading words, or will nitpick their appearance or anything about them really. and to be honest, sometimes i start it as a tactic hoping he will notice all of their flaws and not be attracted to them. i recently asked him to stop talking about other women like that, i know he does it because he thinks it'll help me, but i just end up feeling bad. he insists he's only attracted to me and i do believe that. but honestly sometimes i am a bit disturbed that, outside of his family and a few female friends, i am the only woman he talks about in a respectful manner. 

another thing that's weird, that i've told him: this is the first time he's ever had to deal with just having one girl. one girl to look at, to have sex with, to talk to. i'm the only girl he hasn't either cheated on, cheated with, been a fwb with, watched porn for the entire duration of our relationship, and definitely one of the only girls where he wasn't fooling around with other people shortly before we got together. i should feel flattered and special that he's so different with me, but i'm not. it's actually kind of terrifying.

there is no worry about STDs. if i had one, symptoms would've shown by now, and my gyno did one for me about 5 months in. the girl he cheated on his first girlfriend with was apparently HIV positive but he was careful and got tested.

 

[NORMANmfingROCKWELL]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

From what you described, he still is that. Especially with his bedroom behavior. 

People dont change that much. Person who brags how he cheated every woman he has been with, would have no problem repeating that to you. Person who is abusive toward you(and yes, he was abusive with his comments) will not hesitate to do it again next time he wants to be abusive. "But he/she changed" is a common narrative in an abusive relationships. And you should walk away before he does more damage to you and your mental health. Because all you described, including you feeling inadequate and blaming yourself, is something he created with his abuse. 

for context, he didn't brag about cheating on those previous two partners. he admitted that it happened to me after i found out he was watching porn and asked if there was anyone else, and he said he had been like that in the past but never again. he's cried about it to me and seems genuinely remorseful, he told me it took him about a year of reflecting before he realized just how messed up that was. 

i know "he changed" is a common narrative, but i do believe it to be true in this instance...everything i've described him bragging about, he did within our first month of being together. in the moment, i didn't stand up for myself. but once i went into him about it and told him just how it made me feel, he stopped. he truly has changed, and that's why this is so difficult! he doesn't brag anymore, expresses remorse, tells me he'd take it all back if he would. i know it's hard to relay to internet strangers, but he's different, we're both different people as we've become more comfortable and honest. after all of this, he said he realized how much i meant and that i'm perfect, and that's why he changed. and i can see that. he treats me very well now, but i'm still haunted by his past, hence me needing to consolidate two versiosn.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

. he calls other women typical degrading words, or will nitpick their appearance or anything about them really. and to be honest, sometimes i start it as a tactic hoping he will notice all of their flaws and not be attracted to them

Unfortunately his misogynistic attitude is still there just mutated into another form. He seems quite immature and insecure bragging about his conquests.

And it's particularly disrespectful to you.   You seem attached and hopefully there won't be more headaches and heartaches ahead for you. 

[smackie9]

This guy just isn't normal. He's immature, so fixated on sex and girls, and he has to restrain himself. His behavior still bothers you. That's just who he is, you can't mold him into a prince charming. it's so much easier to just find someone else.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on before you become the next victim 

[Batya33]

Date people not projects. Maybe in 5 years he’ll have changed. Don’t wait around. Cut your losses now and move on. It was especially creepy to me that your mindset is to cut him slack because - poor thing has never had “one girl “ to look at and have sex with. Do you realize how absurd that sounds? 

[ShySoul]

I'm not going to say he can't change or that he isn't working on changing. Plenty of people who do horrible things manage to do a 180 and turn there life around. Plenty more can't. 

The real question is, how much are you willing to put up with? If he has acting this way for so long and with so many women, any change won't be overnight. There will be many low points where he reverts back to that behavior. There will be many temptations for him that he might not be able to overcome. And even if he does, can you handle always having to be on guard for those times? You sound like a nice person whose attitude towards sex, genders, and relationships were the complete opposite to his. I don't think it's fair for you to have to be the one to guide him into being a better person. Ultimately, only he can do it for himself. And only you can decide if being with him is worth all that comes with it. Follow what your heart and what your gut is telling you. If you are having these doubts, there is probably a good reason. Maybe you should be listening to them?

[NORMANmfingROCKWELL]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Date people not projects. Maybe in 5 years he’ll have changed. Don’t wait around. Cut your losses now and move on. It was especially creepy to me that your mindset is to cut him slack because - poor thing has never had “one girl “ to look at and have sex with. Do you realize how absurd that sounds? 

no. to clarify, that's not why i cut him slack at all. i never thought of him as a poor thing for that. at all. i made that point to emphasize my disturbance. 

[NORMANmfingROCKWELL]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I'm not going to say he can't change or that he isn't working on changing. Plenty of people who do horrible things manage to do a 180 and turn there life around. Plenty more can't. 

The real question is, how much are you willing to put up with? If he has acting this way for so long and with so many women, any change won't be overnight. There will be many low points where he reverts back to that behavior. There will be many temptations for him that he might not be able to overcome. And even if he does, can you handle always having to be on guard for those times? You sound like a nice person whose attitude towards sex, genders, and relationships were the complete opposite to his. I don't think it's fair for you to have to be the one to guide him into being a better person. Ultimately, only he can do it for himself. And only you can decide if being with him is worth all that comes with it. Follow what your heart and what your gut is telling you. If you are having these doubts, there is probably a good reason. Maybe you should be listening to them?

thank you for your response. i really appreciate your perspective.

he hasn't acted in the way that truly disturbed me in almost a year; like i said, this happened in the first month of our relationship, and since then he has cut the bragging completely and been progressively more honest and i myself have asked questions. he has also expressed serious remorse towards how he acted and what he said. it is just that these things come back to haunt me, and as i learn more, i am slightly more disturbed. he has yet to revert, as he knows i would break up with him and he has also genuinely reflected. the way i see it, he had been working on changing certain aspects before me (i.e. the cheating, as he hadn't done that in 3 years). i think i just shone a light on his underlying misogyny and insecurity. additionally, as for the bragging, he's told me he genuinely didn't realize it was that hurtful, as he's had the same thing done to him. i think it's made clear by the post he hasn't really been with that great of people in the past. he also did it because he was insecure and wanted to 
"impress me"- not trying to excuse this, by the way- he was apparently intimidated by how i had my *** together and wanted me to think highly of him, but took a drastically wrong approach.

i also don't see him as a project, this isn't an "i can fix him." truly, i haven't been guiding him. with these things, i've made it clear what i do and do not tolerate. it's his own journey, i've told him that. i've just provided perspective and called him out when i needed to. 

[Andrina]

17 hours ago, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

he calls other women typical degrading words, or will nitpick their appearance or anything about them really. and to be honest, sometimes i start it as a tactic hoping he will notice all of their flaws and not be attracted to them. i recently asked him to stop talking about other women like that, i know he does it because he thinks it'll help me, but i just end up feeling bad. he insists he's only attracted to me and i do believe that. but honestly sometimes i am a bit disturbed that, outside of his family and a few female friends, i am the only woman he talks about in a respectful manner. 

Wow, I can see why he's so great to be around. A truly enjoyable experience. NOT!!

 

On 12/22/2023 at 12:07 AM, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

i felt like i had to look. and each time i've looked, i've found stuff. old tinder screenshots. him talking about his exes. old screenshots of conversations with exes. a picture of a stripper he slept with and a few past fwbs. i even found out he stayed in contact with the girl he cheated on his first serious girlfriend with up until a month before we met! (the first girlfriend was about 3 years before me) they're old, so it was easy for him to forget, so i don't think he intentionally kept these. but after the first time i asked him to please remove these really old things about past women from his phone, i still kept finding more, i had to ask about three times before he finally went through and cleared his phone.

Take a look in the mirror and see how much all of this has aged you. In another year, if it even lasts that long, you will look like the crypt keeper.

After the newness wears off, he will tire of the crypt keeper asking to monitor his phone and yanking on his dog collar when he's done wrong. But when he ends things, he'll actually be doing you a favor because you're like a barnacle on a rock while hurricane waves crash against you and you won't let go as you should.

[MissCanuck]

Ew, no. Girl. What are you thinking?

I would not date this guy. He is not a good dude. Sorry. Stay at your own risk, and keep your family and friends close for the day he breaks your heart. It's coming. 

[Jaunty]

18 hours ago, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

he said he realized how much i meant and that i'm perfect, and that's why he changed.

Sheesh.  There are a lot of blinding red flags here.  I would especially like to alert you to how destructive it is for you to have a standard set by him of PERFECTION which is supposedly the only reason he's not still a ridiculous douche like he has been so far in his sexual life.
 

Quote

 

i also don't see him as a project, this isn't an "i can fix him." truly, i haven't been guiding him

 

Girl, you just went into detail about your repeated combing through his social media and instructing him explicitly on what he needed to get rid of.   And also being the "porn police."  

I assure you (and you already know) that he has not and will not stop looking at porn because you do not allow it, he'll just be more sneaky about that.  

He's also never going to tell you about his cheating, when he does it.   You will have to find out by more monitoring, or when he decides he's leaving for the next one in line.

It's like your full time job and now your actual identity to police him and not be less than PERFECT or else he will slip back into his gutter.

The guy might change.  Plenty of young men are dirty dogs.  None of them are boyfriend material and none of them changed FOR a girlfriend.  That kind of change comes from growth and realizing that doing all the scuzzy things doesn't lead to where the guy wants to be.

A person needs to get to this point on their own - not because of a girlfriend "helping" him control himself and being "PERFECT."

I'm sorry you're putting yourself though this and that you will see the light and move on quick.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 hours ago, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

I know "he changed" is a common narrative, but i do believe it to be true in this instance....

First off, I agree with all the previous posts for reasons stated. 

Secondly, with regard to what's quoted, I agree that people can change their behavior for various reasons.  Here, he changed his behavior -- for you.  

That may sound lovely and romantic, but please understand his "inner core" has not changed.  His overall "character" as a man and human being has not changed.  

He is still the same man who objectifies women, has misogynistic tendencies, and doesn't value fidelity in a committed relationship.  Among other rather questionable and frankly undesirable characteristics.

This imo is why you're having difficulty "getting over" it. 

It's that little voice inside you screaming at you that him changing his behavior (stopping porn, remaining faithful etc) is only a temporary change contingent upon whatever feelings he has about you at any given time.

Because remember, you are the only reason he changed his behavior assuming he has and not simply found a better way of hiding it.

That's not really changing.  His inner core, his values, his character still remain where they always were - in the gutter.

And as time goes on and your relationship continues and you fall from the pedestal he's placed you on (which you WILL eventually), his desire to please you will diminish and he'll go right back to his previous behavior because THAT is who he truly is.  As a man and human being.

I hope you will at least condider this. I see nothing good or positive here at all.  None, nada, nothing. 

All the best whatever you decide.

[catfeeder]

His past is the least of your problems. Having him in your life as he is today ain't no picnic.

Don't you deserve a better man as your partner?

[ShySoul]

On 12/22/2023 at 12:53 PM, NORMANmfingROCKWELL said:

 he calls other women typical degrading words, or will nitpick their appearance or anything about them really. and to be honest, sometimes i start it as a tactic hoping he will notice all of their flaws and not be attracted to them. i recently asked him to stop talking about other women like that, i know he does it because he thinks it'll help me, but i just end up feeling bad. he insists he's only attracted to me and i do believe that. but honestly sometimes i am a bit disturbed that, outside of his family and a few female friends, i am the only woman he talks about in a respectful manner. 

This part sticks out to me. If he has truly changed, why is he still saying degrading terms? Why is he being disrespectful at all, to any woman? I don't speak like that about any woman, even the ones who have annoyed and fustrated me. Also, you need to be really careful about what you say. You admit to starting this at times. That's not going to help the situation. It just gives him an excuse to say the things the "old" him would say. You shouldn't be comparing yourself to anyone else or needing to see his reaction. If someone cares for you, they will be focused on saying positive things about you, not negative things about others. 

I'm a romantic at heart, so I want to believe you are right and he is turning things around. But I know from experience that it's never easy, for the person changing or the people they are around. To get to your original question, I don't know if you ever do "get over" something like that. There is always the doubt in your mind, the examing of every action, the insecurity of wondering if they will do it again. I think it comes down to time and trust. Does he do enough in his words and actions to prove he can be trusted? Over time, does these thoughts and worries occur less frequently or more? If you can honestly say, looking objectively and not making excuses, that he is a man you are proud to be with, then your worries should gradually decrease as time passes and he earns that trust. However, if there comes a point where the worries are too much and you can't handle it, then end things. Doesn't even have to be something he says or does to end it. If you ever feel it's to much for you to handle, that's all the reason you need. At the end of the day, it's your life and your heart at play, so do what makes you happy.