Kandy02 Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 My fiancé and I have our wedding set for 2025 but we also want a kid. Ideally we’d want a kid next year before turning 30 (in 2025) but thinking about the expenses (wedding, finding a place to live, having a baby) and knowing that my pay would lessen if I were to go on maternity leave just scares me. We also already put a deposit down for our wedding date and I have a possibility for a promotion next year…. I can tell my fiancé really wants a kid and so do I but the finances just scares me and I keep thinking would we even be able to handle/afford a wedding before the kid turns 1? What should I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Seraphim Posted December 21, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted December 21, 2023 Personally, I would get married first and enjoy being married for a bit . Things don’t go by when you want them to happen. Just relax the expectations. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shouldhavelearned Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Marry and enjoy Then enjoy again 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LotusBlack Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Also, I know people have expectations for their weddings and often have this image in their minds about what it will look like, but if you’re not too attached to that, perhaps consider going a little more simple or doing a lot of it yourself to save on money if you are experiencing a lot of finance anxiety. A lot of people forget that a wedding really boils down to just one day; it’s the rest of your life that follows that really matters and many of the married couples I know, while thinking fondly of their wedding day, often really don’t consider it/think back on it that much once they are married. So, I think a lot of people focus on it until they are married and then often think about how they could have used their money more practically in hindsight, But, for some people the wedding day is very important in terms of how it happens,:so do what you feel will make you happy. It really is possible to do both - have a child and have a low-budget wedding that is still just as beautiful if you plan it right. However, as Seraphim said, it is nice to enjoy being a married couple for a bit first (maybe a year or two) before having kids because it really does change everything forever. FYI, I was 7 months pregnant when I got married (not why I got married/not shotgun wedding) and my ceremony was super low-key and no reception, just my important people at a lovely dinner afterwards and it was the best! I would have liked to have a year or two with my husband before we had kids but that just isn’t how it turned out. Having a child was too much on our new marriage and he also wasn’t a wonderful human being, so we are now divorced, and a lot of it had to do with too much as once. So, I’d avoid doing them both at the same time, in your shoes. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 We had a very small wedding and reception at my parent’s house . It was lovely . We were married 4 years before we had our baby. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Hi Kandy! I always think there is a trend for extravagant and expensive weddings - to me, they are reserved for the wealthy! Normal couples with regular incomes starting out their newly married life and the beginning of their financial “journey” together, I personally think, should be prioritising! I think children are much more important than an expensive wedding! Just personally. It’s one day. I think the romance and feeling and intimacy and love behind it is much, much, much(!) more important than a £1,500 dress and a 20k bill at the end of the day. In my opinion? Have a small, romantic, intimidate but inexpensive wedding - and as newly weds, enjoy trying to make a baby! Because, even if you are fairly young, the average time for conception is 6 months to a year, and then there is 9 months of course to cook your bambino up! I would also, more importantly than how your wedding is or how much you spend on it, think very seriously and plan financially for when the baby arrives. Think about if you want to breast feed for a year - this realistically can’t be done without you staying home. Think about, in your heart, what you really want as a new wife and potentially new mother. You might want to stay home for a few years - I think if given the choice, eloping or having a very small bed simple wedding would be better, and putting aside extra savings for your maternity, a much better choice! All the best! And, congratulations! x 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 29 minutes ago, Seraphim said: We had a very small wedding and reception at my parent’s house . It was lovely . We were married 4 years before we had our baby. I would like to second this OP! There is a strange statistic… it’s something like, the more expensive the wedding, the more likely the couple are to divorce, especially if spending on that wedding puts you in debt or under future financial strain. I’ve been with my husband 15 years, we got married when I was 24 - we have 3 children ages 5, 4 and 2. I’m 34. I would not have had it any other way! We had a tiny wedding in our friends garden, and a kind of “posh” bbq! My friend who is a photographer took our pictures for a wedding present. We didn’t hire cars. Because we didn’t spend on extravagant venues, we were able to provide drinks all day at our expense for our 30 family and friends and put the majority of them up in a local hotel as well, our expense, because most of them had to travel to be there. Most people need to prioritise financially and I think your home (or buying a house if you can) and financially planning for children (childcare or Mum staying at home, etc) is more important than spending a lot on your wedding! x 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 1 hour ago, Kandy02 said: . I can tell my fiancé really wants a kid and so do I but the finances just scares me and I keep thinking would we even be able to handle/afford a wedding before the kid turns 1? How long have you been together? Do you both work? Are you living together? Why is the wedding so far off? Are you both planning or interested in an elaborate wedding? Please get married sooner rather than later and avoid unaffordable weddings. Make sure both of you are financially stable and prepared before you bring children into the mix. Whose idea is it to wait to marry in 2025 and whose idea is it to have a child ASAP? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kandy02 Posted December 21, 2023 Author Share Posted December 21, 2023 22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you been together? Do you both work? Are you living together? Why is the wedding so far off? Are you both planning or interested in an elaborate wedding? Please get married sooner rather than later and avoid unaffordable weddings. Make sure both of you are financially stable and prepared before you bring children into the mix. Whose idea is it to wait to marry in 2025 and whose idea is it to have a child ASAP? We’ve been together for a couple years but have known each other for 14 years. We both have full time jobs however currently both living separately with our families but actively looking for a place to move into together. The wedding is far off because we already have 6 weddings to attend in 2024 and would rather have time to enjoy the engagement and take our time with planning. We’re both planning the wedding together and i’m very thankful that us starting a family together and planning a wedding are something that we are both very excited about however we’re torn between what to prioritize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Have a small wedding. My brother spent $65,000 on his wedding and 3 kids later were divorced. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 53 minutes ago, Kandy02 said: We’ve been together for a couple years but have known each other for 14 years. We both have full time jobs however currently both living separately with our families but actively looking for a place to move into together. It seems like the main priority would be getting a stable home and living situation and getting your finances managed before anything else. For example, until you know what your move-in startup and all the other costs of housing and monthly expenses are how can you possibly know what your budget is for a wedding? Or if you can afford starting a family asap? Have you discussed health insurance? Childcare and costs? How are you going to manage more expenses with a family if one of you works less, etc. Maybe it's time to see a financial planner rather than a wedding planner? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 My wedding cost maybe $2000 total. We had a lovely reception but decorated the hall ourselves and had a low key catered meal. My dress was a designer gown but it was a sample so it only cost $300. I got my shoes at Kinney Shoes (which doesn't even exist anymore lol). And just to give fair warning, it took me exactly two days of trying to become pregnant with my son. No six to 12 months for us lol! Are you planning a lavish wedding that will cost $20k or more? Or something lower key? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 5 minutes ago, boltnrun said: My wedding cost maybe $2000 total. We had a lovely reception but decorated the hall ourselves and had a low key catered meal. My dress was a designer gown but it was a sample so it only cost $300. I got my shoes at Kinney Shoes (which doesn't even exist anymore lol). And just to give fair warning, it took me exactly two days of trying to become pregnant with my son. No six to 12 months for us lol! Are you planning a lavish wedding that will cost $20k or more? Or something lower key? Hahaha we were together 9 years before we had our son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Just now, Seraphim said: Hahaha we were together 9 years before we had our son. I became pregnant if a man two blocks away just glanced slightly in my direction. I'm kidding...sort of. I was Fertile Myrtle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Yes it is very different for all regarding making bambino’s! I fell pregnant the first time we had sex after we stopped using contraception! Then the other two took under 3 months. It really depends. I know female friends in great health who had a half year to a year or even two of trying, and there was nothing wrong with them fertility or health wise. All I’m saying is, when planning a family, keep in mind it might not happen as soon as you think (or, it might!) the older you get, the longer it can take on average to conceive. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 2 minutes ago, boltnrun said: I became pregnant if a man two blocks away just glanced slightly in my direction. I'm kidding...sort of. I was Fertile Myrtle. Yeah, I got pregnant 5 times but only 1 live baby. My body was broken by the time I was a later teen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 My doctor literally said "How did YOU get pregnant????" My baby making machine is put together backwards and upside down and has several non functional parts and yet I got pregnant at the drop of a hat. Very strange. But to the OP, only you and your fiance can decide how important spending $$ for a wedding is and if it's a priority over saving for children. I personally wanted kids more than I wanted an expensive wedding. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LotusBlack Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 1 hour ago, Seraphim said: Have a small wedding. My brother spent $65,000 on his wedding and 3 kids later were divorced. Yeah, my sister just spent over $100,000 on her wedding a few months ago (they don’t want kids and have that kind of money to spend), but she married him in secret days before the wedding with just 2 witnesses by the beach and only had the wedding for other people. In contrast, I got married at a beautiful registry office with my closest friends and then shouted them all to dinner at a wonderful restaurant where everyone had a great time. I think we spent about $500 in total. Being that we are now divorced, I’m glad I didn’t spend more than that. Despite the end result, I still have the memories of a brilliant day that I wouldn’t change. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 We had a modest wedding, saved our money for a down payment on our first house, waited a few years, enjoyed our childless years and then had the first of our two sons. We were better prepared financially. I was even able to afford being a SAHM for a few years. Think things through and be prudent. You'll be glad you did and thank yourself for making wise decisions. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 I’d say don’t sweat it. Too many people get wrapped up in a static view of their finances or desires. Being a good husband or wife tends to motivate the other spouse into improving the situation for all, from my observations. So look to have a good wedding, not the most lavish. Do something that has meaning for you two. Place to live, now that takes foresight; but you don’t have to stay there forever. Now in the UK and Europe it’s more difficult to have housing mobility, but in the US you have options. As for a child, also don’t get wrapped up in planning everything. One friend of mine sweated every detail with his wife and they made themselves miserable. another, she and her husband adapted and are thriving. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 There is, of course, an emotional/psychological change from going to living apart to being married and cohabiting. I think it's really important to get a year or two in as a married couple before bringing a child into the world. Think of it as building a solid foundation that will withstand the major changes and challenges a young one will add to the household. Though children are a blessing and a joy, they also bring stress. One parent might not like how the other parent handles parenting duties. Sometimes a child has colic and cries a lot, or isn't a good sleeper, etc., and that brings exhaustion and stress. It's beneficial if a couple has some time as a couple for a time because when a baby comes along, so much time and attention must be devoted to the child and sometimes one of the parents feels neglected. When you have first built a loving partnership, these issues can be better solved than if you hadn't put in that buffer. And I second a less expensive wedding than what perhaps your friends have been doing, or what you think is necessary but is not. I have a relative who got married, just she and her spouse, in the Caribbean. A few weeks after they returned, they had a reception, in full wedding gear with a DJ and potluck food and a purchased buffet, in a church hall. In those 2 years, put a bit of money in a separate account slated for maternity leave expenses. Every little bit will add up, and you can feel proactive. Write down your biggest stressors and next to them, write a list of solutions, even if you don't think you'll use the solution. You have time to peruse and think outside of the box. When another relative got married, I thought that spent good money on the wrong things. Instead of a professional photographer, their friend said he'd take photos. Big mistake. Instead of having a DJ or band, they spent money lining the pews with elaborate flower arrangements. It was a twenty minute service with a boring 2 hour barbecue in a back yard with zero music. One of the worst weddings I've been to. Anyway, good luck and keep us in the loop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 I say contact a financial planner at your bank. They will be able to help you organize your spending/savings to get to your goal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 I got married while I was about 5 months prego. You are still young. Have kiddos after the wedding, because your body will not go back to how you think it will, especially in your 30's unless your job is in fitness, and you have to work out for a living. Forget drinking at your own wedding if you are prego or nursing. It can be done, but while working full-time too...it takes some doing...which I didn't find time to until after 9 years. If expenses for a wedding, frighten you, stick to a budget, and only within the budget. Get a second job to save towards the wedding and home. With a newborn/infant, good luck (you won't be able to). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 On 12/21/2023 at 11:46 AM, Kandy02 said: My fiancé and I have our wedding set for 2025 but we also want a kid. Ideally we’d want a kid next year before turning 30 (in 2025) but thinking about the expenses (wedding, finding a place to live, having a baby) and knowing that my pay would lessen if I were to go on maternity leave just scares me. We also already put a deposit down for our wedding date and I have a possibility for a promotion next year…. I can tell my fiancé really wants a kid and so do I but the finances just scares me and I keep thinking would we even be able to handle/afford a wedding before the kid turns 1? What should I do? What do you need to afford to get married ? We tried to conceive before getting married and were successful. Our amazing wedding cost about $1,500 total including clothes and wedding band. 10 guests. Lunch after. I was in my 8th month. Great memories. The wedding is the ceremony not the party. Also unless you have fertility issues why the rush? We started trying when I was almost 41. I got pregnant at 42 naturally. He’s 14 now ! Good luck! edited. I think if you save $$$ not having a wedding reception you can afford maybe your maternity leave a bit better ? Can your fiancé take in a second job ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 I personally think a pregnant bride is absolutely beautiful! There is something special, blooming - even CUTE about it! So tender! I think being pregnant and getting married would be lovely! I personally don’t think you need years to enjoy being newly weds - sometimes, we feel we have all this time to fritter away. Time waits for no man. You never know what is round the corner (and apologies, I don’t mean to be morbid!) but, I look back at how drawn out everything was for me, including 3 years being engaged, and then another 3 years after that before having our son - and I just think, girl?! What was I exactly waiting for?! The only thing I would have changed is getting a bit more snappy about it! But it is of course, each to their own! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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