Trying Not to be Disappointed

[VeryMisunderstood]

Firstly, I'm not sure what I'm exactly looking for. Need to let this out so I would consider this more of a rant/vent. I'm not huge on events or parties but I'm slowly celebrating myself more and more. It's crazy to say but the first party I ever made was my Bachelorette party and then wedding the next day but this was almost 2 years ago and both events were smaller. I get invited to others' events all the time; baby showers, gender reveals, birthdays, graduations, etc so I'm used to going a lot of events. There's typically at least 1 every month. Some further than others but I still go to most of the events. My husband and I are even used to giving rides to and from and helping out with set up/decorations. I had 3 of my siblings pregnant at the same time with back to back showers and gender reveals which was a lot but I was glad I'm an aunt and I get to celebrate those moments. My husband has 4 siblings and we're close to 2 of them. (The other 2 live in a another country and visit about every other year.) I have 5 but there's 2 I'm closer to. In terms of my social life, I would have to say it's the best it's ever been. I have an old friend group from high school that I keep in touch with sometimes and I just joined another adult friend group with an old coworker and her friends who I click with a lot! 

I just had a birthday recently but I already knew for a while this was a birthday I wanted to celebrate with my own party. I planned one for the weekend before my birthday because it fell a weekday and weekends are more open for the people around me. Most of us work during weekdays and have weekends off. The invitees were my husband and I's siblings, nieces, nephews, and friends. The place was kid friendly and didn't serve alcohol. All in all, approximately 34ish people invited but 7 did tell me they couldn't make due to various reasons which I was fine with. One of my friends were going out town and about 4 of them had to work which was 100% understandable. 

Fast forward to party day! I bought a special custom made cookie cake batter ice cream cake that everyone loved. The party was enjoyed by 2 of my husband's siblings, my husband's best friend and my husband and I. We had an amazing time and went over one of my in laws house to have an after party and eat the rest of the cake. I must say that I felt happy and loved and throughly enjoyed myself.

On the other hand, I was disappointed in my own siblings and friends for not being there for me. My brother did have an emergency with my niece and explained the situation to me which I was understanding and supportive of. I didn't really hear from anyone else. My thoughts are bit all over so I'll number some of the facts:

1. I do not attend others' events for things in return. It was strictly to celebrate the actual event for the person intended and me being someone who doesn't throw parties, this one did kind of come out of the blue. 

2. I am an adult and I understand that life becomes unpredictable and things happen.

3. I'm not quite used to throwing parties and everything I've felt so far is apparently considered normal, people just go about it in different ways. 

4. I am not cutting ANY relationships or holding this over anyone's head. Not my style.

5. I love my in law's dearly.

6. I still had a such good time!

7. Maybe it's not the people individually but the collective absences? 

But why does it bother me so much. Maybe because of the freshness? When I visit a friend who lived 3 hours away or went my sister's shower after a stressful day of work, I didn't want any brownie points. Most of these people have known me for 10+ years and this is the only birthday party as an adult that I've ever held so it was more serious for me? I guess I'm just ready for the disappointment to wear off even though it's fresh. I don't want any of my relationships to change but part of me feels like they will on either part? Event anxiety and woes are super common. I'm sure many people go through similar, do I just need time?

Tl;dr I threw my first birthday party and while I had a good time, I am experiencing hurt feelings because of the lack of attendance. 
 

[Batya33]

Your feelings are your feelings - you only can choose your reactions to your feelings. Sounds like you had unrealistic expectations and expected others to be as reliable and loyal as you and willing to show up in the same way you would.  That's unrealistic IMO.  

I think you planned a lovely party. In my personal experience I think technology has ironically made people even less reliable as far as showing up to parties on time, etc. 

Unless you like that sort of thing stop going to all these made up reasons to get more gifts.  I am a married mom. I had an amazing, magical wedding.  With 10 guests.  Two of my girlfriends (who were not invited to the wedding) asked if I wanted a bridal shower or dinner with the two of them. No brainer.  I chose the latter.  I did not want a baby shower and the whole idea of gender reveal -I cannot relate and I think it's an excuse to get more gifts and brag on social media.  It wasn't a thing when I was in my 20s or 30s (I got married and became a mom at 42).  

I think you went all out -but for people who are so overscheduled as it is with parties, life, kids, work -that to them it was something they could skip.  Also yes people get emergencies.  We had one larger bday party for my son -he was 5, it was at a children's museum.  Half of the 15 guests got sick at last minute (totally understandable despite disappointing!).  

One more tip -for an adult party I wouldn't go all out on a custom cake.  To me that's more for a wedding or a kids bday.  I'd have bought your favorite cake slice -or full cake -for yourself and your husband to enjoy at home.  This past week was my husband's bday and our anniversary.  I actually bought myself a special chocolate bar for my anniversary and bought a regular ice cream cake for husband's bday and special cheesecake for the anniversary.  What was lovely was sharing it with our son, etc and we made him a homemade card with appropriate New Yorker cartoons pasted in a collage.  Nothing on social media -we don't post -nothing to go all out for.  But our hearts went all out and the cakes were yummy.  Exceeded my expectations.

Your feelings are valid.  I'd react by accepting that your initial expectations were unrealistic so the disappointment is understandable.  Happy Bday!

 

[boltnrun]

I understand. I too would feel hurt and disappointed. 

I threw myself a 50th birthday party. It was held in a destination city (where I happened to live) and not one of my relatives came. Three friends came with their boyfriends (although the party was supposed to be "girls only", they refused to come unless they could bring their boyfriends) and one married friend also came solo. We still had fun but the friends who brought their boyfriends cut the party short so they could go hang out with them. I did have a second party two nights later for local friends and they turned out! About ten people showed and we had a blast. But I was a bit hurt that none of my cousins attended the first party. Most didn't even bother responding to the invitation. 

I'm sorry this happened. But I'm glad you had a nice time with your husband and inlaws. 

[tattoobunnie]

How did you send out invites? If people rsvp'ed yes, but then did a no-show, that's awful. But maybe they didn't notice it?  Did you use evite, send a text message, use Facebook events or call?  Did any of them send a sorry text that they couldn't make it, or nothing?  I usually do a text, with text reminders.  If I don't hear back after the 1st invite, I private message them.  People are weird sometimes, and overlook things.  Happy Belated Birthday!

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry.   I also admire the way you have been able to still value the good time you did have with the people who celebrated with you, and also that you aren't planning on "punishing" those who did not.

It was not ok for them to not RSVP.  But I myself have missed evites.  My Email is not my friend anymore, it seems I am looking at it less and less as I am semi-retired and it's rarely important.

Happy birthday, please do continue to celebrate yourself.   You deserve it!

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your hurt feelings.  I'd feel hurt, too. ☹️

Life is unfair.  People decline attendance whether they have emergencies,  illness or not.  They have their reasons or excuses even if it's simply not having the preference to attend.  They want to do what they want to do with their time despite your gracious attendance to their parties.  It's just the way it is.  🙄

I've found that when you lower your expectations and standards in others,  your disappointment in them is less and your hurts decrease.  You'll become numb to human nature because nothing will surprise you anymore.  😒

It's your prerogative to either accept or decline other people's invitations.  If you want to be more fair,  you don't have to attend every single party especially if the person didn't care enough to attend your party or any of your occasions. 

I've been in your position.  I figure if I'm not that important in someone's eyes,  then likewise,  they're not that important to me either. 

I don't get hurt anymore because I treat people the same exact way they treat me.  If they're nice,  I'm nice.  If they're there for me for whatever reason (emergencies and sicknesses barred),  then I'm there for them as well.  If they're generous,  I'm generous.  If they're cheap,  they receive the same treatment.  If they truly love me and show it,  I'll do the same for them.  If they give me their time and energy,  I'll do the same for them.  If they treat me in a nonchalant way,  I'm the same towards them.  I mirror other people.  You see?  These relationships are fair and equitable.  No one feels unbalanced.  These relationships are on equal footing. 

The only time you will feel slighted is if you do more for them than they do for you. 

Or, you can have a different perspective and have a generous heart,  accept and attend invitations,  spend money on travel and gifts without any expectations in return.  Know these types of relationships are a one-way street and if some people just take, take, take,  you'll have to give, give, give because it won't change. 

[VeryMisunderstood]

I posted this last night and it's already the next day and I feel so better. I didn't feel like I had huge expectations for this party, it was very casual and costed a total of like $266 including the cake, which is cheap were I live and totally worth it. I'm not even sure how to do events moving forward and how to handle being invited to events moving forward but I will most definitly figure it out because I am no one's doormat. Thanks for the all the replies!

Oh and also for the RSVPing, I sent invites digitally in different ways. For my siblings it was through text because I text them all the time. For my old high school friends it was in our group chat that we all frequent in and I could see that everyone saw it and some hearted it. 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, VeryMisunderstood said:

I posted this last night and it's already the next day and I feel so better. I didn't feel like I had huge expectations for this party, it was very casual and costed a total of like $266 including the cake, which is cheap were I live and totally worth it. I'm not even sure how to do events moving forward and how to handle being invited to events moving forward but I will most definitly figure it out because I am no one's doormat. Thanks for the all the replies!

Oh and also for the RSVPing, I sent invites digitally in different ways. For my siblings it was through text because I text them all the time. For my old high school friends it was in our group chat that we all frequent in and I could see that everyone saw it and some hearted it. 

I personally would have done at least an evite. A group chat might be quickly forgotten.  When I get an evite I save it and put it in my calendar. I’m so so glad you’re feeling better ! 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It's disappointing when guests can't make it. Sometimes invitations need to be sent out sooner, but that doesn't guarantee people will be able to make it. However the purpose of RSVP is for people to decline or accept so it's normal that attendance isn't 100%. You handled it well. 

Hopefully your friends and family wished you a happy birthday privately. Keep in mind some people just don't like certain types of parties. 

[smackie9]

This was one of those life lessons by fate. This happened for a reason. It opened your eyes to something you didn't see before. Making a few new adjustments to your life/how you do things going forward sounds reasonable to me. Keep in mind, those who appreciate you will show it maybe in other ways. Happy Birthday BTW 🙂

[greendots]

Firstly, happy belated birthday VeryMisunderstood!

Some observations from my experience:

• True (close) friends and family members (who care) will make time to celebrate your birthday with you, no matter how busy they are. They may only show up for an hour, or they'll suggest an alternative date to spent time with you. Even if it's just to grab a coffee or go for a walk.
• The less amount the guest has to spent, the higher the chances of them showing up as not everyone is happy to fork out X amount for a celebration. Still, those who really care will show you in other ways how important you are to them.
• Acquaintances or "friends", in looser terms, may be more lax about attending a birthday of someone they aren't that close to. Therefore, they may also not feel the need to RSVP.

Glad you had an awesome time on your day! 🙂

[Wiseman2]

On 12/11/2023 at 12:46 AM, VeryMisunderstood said:

. The place was kid friendly and didn't serve alcohol. approximately 34ish people invited but 7 did tell me they couldn't make due to various reasons . One of my friends were going out town and about 4 of them had to work.

Sometimes getting people together for a party like this is like herding cats. As long as they acknowledge you, it's ok if they can't attend a party.