Trust issues

[Almeida25]

I really wanna know if I’m exaggerating or being a drama queen. 
I have trust issues. My mom, both grandmas were cheated on. So it’s a generational trauma. Here it goes,

I don’t know if my husband has ever cheated on me. But I believe he didn’t. The problem is he hides things. In the past it bothered me many times that he looks at other girls especially when he is drunk. He even said “do you need anything” to a very hot girl next to me. We were with his college friend and his defense was that he felt like he is in college years next to him. 

6-7 years ago he was friendly with his coworker and hide his text messages even deleted. His defense was not to cause any fight cause I’m a suspicious person. I told him many times that if he hides again that’s it. 

A little while ago I had a dream he was cheating on me with one of his coworker (I have these kinds of dreams a lot and I hate it) I checked his messages with her and I promise I don’t do this normally - I’m not that paranoid. And I saw he told her “your wish is my command” and the coworker sent hearts. She is married and changed her last name and my husband avoids using her new last time. I confronted him and he thinks I’m overthinking and now that I work from home I have a lot of time to think. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking but the fact that I can’t trust him is my major problem in the relationship. These little things (not sure if they r little) ruining my relationship. How should I approach to this?

Any insight is highly appreciated  also I can add many other incidents to this thread but I wrote what came to my mind first  

 

PS. I had trust issues with only one of my exes. I had relationships where I had full trust in the past

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been married? Do you have children? How old is your husband? 

How is the marriage overall? Are there conflicts about money, in-laws, household responsibilities, intimacy or frequent arguments?

How is your and his health? Do either of you have physical or mental health issues or problems with alcohol?

Unfortunately you seem to be policing him because of some vague minor incidents, dreams and "generational trauma".

If you feel there is a disconnect in your marriage please talk to a qualified therapist to unpack and sort things out. Ask for a referral to a marriage counselor and see if your husband will attend with you. 

[Batya33]

Yes, trust is essential.  Please don't make up terms like generational trauma - it's not surprising that you know of people in your family who were cheated on in relationships.  I get that you link it up in your mind - and tell yourself you're even more upset because of what you know of other women in your family but for the sake of your relationship treat you and your husband as individuals not some kind of "see here we go again" bias.

Are you in individual counseling? What have you and your husband discussed about what is comfortable as far as boundaries in your marriage - is it ok to have good friends of the opposite sex? Are there limits on it? Is it ok to have privacy with one's own phone/laptop? Etc.

[reinventmyself]

Is the coworker you mentioned in two scenarios the same or different women?

[smackie9]

Well darling sounds like he's been gas lighting you since you met. That's the purpose of gas lighting...to make you think you are the crazy one, the one with trust issues, the one with the problem. I doubt couples counselling will work. If he's good at manipulating things to hide his secrets, he will do the same in therapy.

[tattoobunnie]

On 12/10/2023 at 1:19 AM, Almeida25 said:

6-7 years ago he was friendly with his coworker and hide his text messages even deleted...And I saw he told her “your wish is my command” and the coworker sent hearts.

I can smell his crap all the way here.  Doesn't matter if it's the same coworker or not, he's a liar.  Check his emails, take screenshots. Check the other messages in case he hid their name as someone else.  He's gross.